BREAKING: Thing Would Make Great Bong

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

VALRICO, Fla. — According to reports coming out of the Shamrock Shopping Center Goodwill store, local marijuana enthusiast Travis Cross has reportedly found another thing that would make a great bong, curious shoppers report.

“With a little bit of Gorilla Glue, a dremel tool with a glass cutting attachment, some PVC piping, and that hooka I broke a few months ago, this thing would make a pretty killer bong,” Cross told his shopping companion while waving around a Precious Moments snow globe. “Plus it’s only five bucks, and today is yellow sticker day so it’s half off. One man’s trash is another man’s chillum. I better buy this before someone else snatches it up.”

Cross’ roommate and friend, Janice Ray, is starting to grow tired of his growing collection of possible smoking implements.

“Our living room is starting to look like The Old Yankee Workshop if Norm Abram was a stoner. Every day he brings home a doohickey he found in the trash, or a gismo he bartered for at a swap meet,” Ray said while throwing out a basketball trophy from 1987 Cross brought home last week. “He always says he’s going to turn it into a vaporizer or a steamroller but he ends up just getting high out of the bong he bought in high school and never gets around to anything. He has these lofty ambitions that he’s going to sell these things on Etsy or some shit. No one on Etsy wants to inhale burnt duct tape and hot-glue fumes, and if they need a bong that barely works that bad I’m sure they have an old toilet paper tube lying around.”

Marijuana sociologist Dr. Olga Jennings explained that there is nothing new in what Cross is doing.

“This kind of behavior dates as far back as history itself. Many experts believe that Adam and Eve actually used the apple from the Tree of Knowledge as a makeshift pipe, and that is what inspired God’s wrath,” Dr. Jennings explained while taking a toke out of a human skull. “If it can hold liquid and air can be passed through it, you can bet that someone will try to convert it into a bong. Some theorize that after they were used as tombs, people even tried to smoke out of the Great Pyramids of Egypt but no one was able to reach the carb.”

As of press time, Cross was in the checkout line of his local co-op holding a zucchini, bamboo wind chimes, and a beeswax candle.

Manager Questions Validity of Four Different Employees Claiming Their Pets Were Sprayed By Skunks on the Same Day

Posted on by Chris Bowen

SENECA FALLS, N.Y. — Local grocery store shift manager, Jane Nerrow, is suspicious as to why several of her employees claimed the odd smell they were giving off that day was caused by their pets being sprayed by skunks, sources confirmed.

“I mean, what are the odds? One of them says he had his dog at the vet’s, and some punk’s pet sprayed his dog right in the face,” Nerrow said. “Another claims they were taking care of their pet goldfish, then the second she took her eye off him, bam! Skunk came out of nowhere and got ’em. It’s truly scary times we’re living in. I have my doubts as to how they all had the same problem the same day, but it still makes more sense than the time a cashier came back from lunch break smelling like yeast because he was baking some bread. Everyone knows that takes at least three hours, and he only gets 30 minutes.”

Animal Control Officer, Gus Wilson, used his expertise to weigh in on the aromatic events of the day.

“Sure, around here, the skunks have been quite an issue in the past. Anymore, the actual calls regarding the rodents have been at an all-time low. The odd thing is, however, the stench of skunk has frequently been reported in certain areas, and especially around late April,” he explained. “Smells of skunk at park benches in the broad daylight, and especially in fast food restaurant parking lots have been increasingly high. We’re working on a tip we’ve received regarding the number of candy wrappers found at these scenes, must be our critter has a bit of a sweet tooth.”

An inspector at the bottling plant and alleged victim of the skunking, Gary Micolychek, made a statement in regard to being a victim of

“Dude, it was insane. I let my cat, Dio, in, and my entire apartment just became totally enveloped in that smell. That guy really must have emptied the tank on my poor kitty, and right before I had to go to work too,” Micolychek exclaimed. “It extra sucks too because now the brownies I baked for lunch smell like skunk too.”

At press time, Narrow had already received multiple requests for the day off on May 5th, 6th, and in one instance, 7th.

How To Weaponize Your Newly Diagnosed ADHD To Never Do The Dishes Again

Posted on by Colleen Nerney

Thank god — you have recently been diagnosed with ADHD, which makes so much sense considering what a train wreck you are. This is useful for a variety of reasons, like getting work done and functioning well, but also, you can totally weaponize this to not do your share of the chores.

It’s easy if you follow these simple steps:

1. Be sure to let everyone know you have been diagnosed with ADHD
You should do both an Instagram story and a grid post with a several-hundred-word caption detailing your journey. We also suggest making sure to tell all of your family, close friends, and roommates in person individually like you’re coming out or something.

2. Mention your neurodivergent status as often as possible
Try to do a little sprinkling of ADHD talk throughout your daily life. For example, when your roommate has to pay for your coffee because you forgot your debit card (again), brush it off with something like “oh, you know how it is—just one of those neurodivergent things!”

3. Clearly state to your roommate that you haven’t forgotten to do the dishes
When Lydia starts to mention that it’s your turn to do the dishes, be clear with her that you didn’t forget. This is a symptom of ADHD, so like, it’s not that you’re blowing her off; it’s that you literally can’t help not doing them.

4. Get defensive when they mention that they’ve been piling up for weeks
Ok, now she’s being kind of a huge bitch in suggesting that this is the fifth time she’s asked you to do them. And like, so what if it is? Is she seriously going to accuse you of mal-intent when you obviously have a legitimate mental disorder that makes it impossible for you to be a decent person to live with???

5. Accuse them of ableism
You know what? She’s being ableist as hell right now. Tell this to her face and be sure to raise your voice even though she is trying her best to diffuse the situation and keeps apologizing and crying and stuff.

6. Make a callout post about your toxic housing situation
Now that your Instagram page is titled “neuroatypicalqueerthings” has blown up, it’s time to utilize the power of a massive anonymous mob. Be sure to tag Lydia and drop her parent’s home address in the comments after asking people to “not harass her you guys, I’m just asking for accountability.”

7. Post a GoFundMe for moving expenses
It has become clear that you need to get out of this apartment STAT. It’s time to post a GoFundMe for your moving fees to the most gentrified part of Portland.

8. Move; repeat steps 1-7…
…until all potential roommates are terrified of you, and you will never have to do housework of any kind again!

Funyuns and Shasta Left Out For Weed Guy

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

BOULDER, Colo. — Potheads across the country are leaving out Funyuns and Shasta for the weed delivery guy as he brings marijuana to all the stoners who have been good this past year, sources report.

“I really hope he drops by tonight and gets me that Watermelon Kush I asked for. I’ve been pretty good this year, so I’m optimistic,” reported one local stoner. “He’s probably got a ton of houses to stop by which is probably why he’s not calling me back, so I figure he’s going to be hungry. The store didn’t have Faygo, but this is just as good. They say he won’t come by until you’ve nodded off on the couch, but I’m so excited for tomorrow, I don’t know how I’m going to get any sleep.”

“I’m just worried that if he thinks I’ve been bad he’ll leave Delta 8,” he added.

Experts state that this is one of many traditions associated with the myth of the Weed Guy that cannabis enthusiasts partake of.

“While Funyuns and Shasta are a popular snack to leave out for the weed guy, the food of choice can vary by region,” noted Scott Beall of Benzinga. “In Maryland, stoners typically leave out Utz Crab Chips and a 40 of Natty Boh, while in California it might be Green Juice and Paleo Puffs. My household’s tradition has typically been Pizza Rolls and Gatorade. When you’re going around the world in one night, you’ll need that protein and the electrolytes for energy. Soda will just make him sluggish and keep swearing he’ll be there in ten minutes.”

When asked for his thoughts on it, the Weed Guy appreciated the gesture but said it wasn’t necessary.

“I don’t eat processed food or refined sugar, so I tend not to eat the stuff people leave out,” he stated. “I’ve got a shit ton of houses to get to and my bike is constantly fucking up so I don’t get high while I’m working, so I’m not really all that hungry anyway. I might take a sip or a couple nibbles as a thank you just so people’s feelings aren’t hurt.”

At press time, most snacks had been consumed by the people who put them there as they realized they should have left them out yesterday.

Photo by Jana Miller.

World Wide Grit Shortage Expected to Halt Hollywood Reboots

Posted on by Ryan Danley

LOS ANGELES — Producers and directors tasked with creating a new batch of reboots were left scrambling to find new ways to express tone in their movies as global grit levels hit record lows, confirmed cocaine-addled sources.

“My new take on Spiderman was going to be amazing. It would feature a more ‘battered by life, balls in the vice-grip’ Peter Parker. We are talking about a guy lost in the bottom of a vodka bottle who had lost everything and was fighting his inner demons as much as he was fighting villains,” said director Jon Watts. “But then we got hit with the grit shortage, and poof…the movie now has him paired with an animated martian played by Kevin Hart looking for a magical amulet that unlocks the secrets of the U.S. Constitution. When the first Batman film came out we had a grit surplus. By the time we got to Robert Pattison’s Batman we were literally scraping it out of the bottom of the barrel.”

Devin Sanders, President of The Organization Of Grit Resources and Exports(OGRE) warns that this problem is only just beginning.

“We had been telling Hollywood for years. But they never wanted to listen. Nothing was going to get in the way of giving the Joker face tattoos. Most people don’t even realize we’ve been reliant on Russian Grit since the late ‘90s,” said Sanders. “I mean there’s no resource you can just go to time and time again. When we will learn this as a species. There’s a gritty reboot of the damn Archie Comic for christ’s sake. What did they think was going to happen? It seems we flew too close to the sun on wings of grit. ”

While many have been left to wonder what the future may hold, cinema historians believe the movie industry will adjust.

“You think this grit thing is bad, you should have seen the ‘Moxie’ shortage of 1946. See, most of America’s moxie got shipped to the South Pacific to help our boys fighting Tojo. Sure, it was great for the troops, but it really put a damper on the movie biz,” said President of Movie Archives, Spencer Hudson. They tried to make up for the lack of moxie with some imported Canadian pizazz, but it just wasn’t the same. The shortage pretty much killed the noir genre, and gave rise to musicals.”

At press time, the FBI has noted a staggering increase in “imitation grit” being sold on the dark web and warned the film industry to avoid it, as it is primarily baby powder, pep, and fentanyl.

Body-Inclusive Clothing Line Features Models with Blown-Out Lobes

Posted on by Courtney Paige Barnett

LOS ANGELES – Rising Millennial and Gen Z clothing brand Figure Four is dedicated to featuring models of all sizes, skin tones, and even some with blown-out ear lobes that are so damaged even the best plastic surgeons in the country would have trouble fixing them.

“As an inclusive brand, it’s important that we feature all bodies, even ones whose flaws are the person’s own fault because they thought it would look cool in 2009,” said Figure Four CEO Rafa Salazar. “We want our clothes to show that everyone is beautiful, even the people that give me the heeby-jeebies when I see how their ears dangle and flap around whenever they walk. We are all about transparency, and we want to be as see-through as their weird damaged ears.”

Amongst the new lineup of model talent is Blake Howard, who stretched his ears too quickly during a regrettable metalcore phase in high school.

“It’s cool to be a part of a positive change. I want to inspire others with my story and show that even if you went overboard with gauged ears, and have multiple nautical tattoos, you can be proud and comfortable in your stretched skin,” said Howard while listening to the latest Acacia Strain album. “Who woulda thought not taking care of my body correctly would’ve paid off? Definitely not all the girls who tell me my giant keloids were a turnoff. But lots of babes wanna touch my lumpy danglies now!”

Customer feedback has been overwhelmingly positive, as former members of the 00s screamo and metalcore scenes now see themselves represented in the brand and feel comfortable purchasing from the Figure Four website.

“It’s a relief to see a body like mine represented in fashion,” said Melanie Hargrove, a former scenester who, through youthful impatience and poor hygiene, has lived with blown-out lobes since ‘08. “I bought a cardigan because their models helped me to see what a person who made the same stupid decisions as me looked like wearing that particular cardigan. When I saw their models proudly displaying their gross ass ears I didn’t gag once. This clothing actually made them look presentable. It almost made me want to dye my hair black and get the ‘Amelie’ haircut again.”

With all-time high sales this past quarter, Figure Four hopes to someday expand its portfolio to include people with botched Spring Break tramp stamps.

Check Out This Asshole! He Likes a Slightly Different Subgenre of the Extremely Specific Music We Both Love

Posted on by Matt McInerney

Can you believe this asshole? Sitting there like an idiot, playing that alt nu-metal garbage on repeat again. You can practically hear the band’s soul patches pouring through his speakers. This dumbass wouldn’t know good metal if it bit him in the dick. He probably doesn’t even know what funeral doom is.

Basically everything this guy does is wrong. He calls himself a metalhead but I bet you can’t find one album in his collection that isn’t just butt rock with a Hot Topic twist. The one time I tried to educate this lost soul, I sat him down in my cubicle to enjoy a 63-minute drone masterpiece together. The shithead listened quietly for 25 minutes max before telling me he has to leave for a meeting. What a fucking dick.

He also endlessly quotes Michael Scott. So annoying. But when I do a funnier David Brent line, he looks confused. On top of that, he didn’t even get the reference when I put his stapler in jelly. The jackass kept laughing and calling it ‘Jell-O.’

And have you seen him around the kitchenette? He keeps the weirdest food in the pantry. One time I spotted him eating a Boston Creme Pop-Tart. First of all, I didn’t even know they make that flavor. Second of all, yuck! Everyone knows S’mores are the only good kind.

Then the other day I was playing Magic by myself in the break room when he comes over holding some dumbass card, asking if I’m playing Pokémon… a fucking children’s game. I tried explaining that Magic the Gathering is far superior, how they control the value of cards and preserve the sanctity of the game, but he was too distracted by his foil Chamillionaire or whatever. This clown probably can’t even play with his $20,000 card.

I’d sooner kill myself than hang out with a guy who thinks birch beer is as good as root beer and decided to buy his Crosstrek in orange. The only positive thing I can think of about this asshole is that at least when I park my Crosstrek near his I can tell them apart by that hideous color. God, can you imagine being stuck in his ugly ass car, probably forced to listen to the stupid songs that Spotify keeps suggesting to me? What a nightmare. You can’t get me far enough away from this weirdo.

Man in Audience Way Too Proud After Picking Up Singer’s Knocked Over Mic Stand

Posted on by Amber Scala

VENTURA, Calif. — 30-year-old Magnus Hahn made last night’s show all about him after picking up the Faulty Mechanics singer’s knocked over mic stand in the middle of the set.

“I was just doing what anyone would do in that situation,” shared a beaming Hahn as he looked off into the distance recalling the memory. “What a rush. As soon as I heard the intro to ‘Nuts and Bolts,’ I knew the mic stand was going to be threatened, and had no choice but to brave my way through the windmill kicks for the rescue. Once it was safely in my hands, I looked around and saw that most people were smiling. It’s kind of embarrassing getting that much attention, that’s not why I do it, but clearly they witnessed the sacrifice I had made.”

Faulty Mechanics singer Jay Mandegary does not recall the situation at all.

“I was trying to move my gear so the next band could get set up, and some guy kept appearing next to me, nodding and saying ‘No problem, man. We gotta work together to keep the scene safe,’” he said. “I thought he was the dude who picked up the girl who broke her nose in the middle of our set, but apparently that guy left to accompany her to the hospital. Maybe he’s the dude who’s house we crashed at. I have no idea.”

Hahn’s girlfriend Claire Groverton confirmed that this isn’t the first time Hahn was left with a disproportionate amount of pride over what is ultimately nothing.

“Last week we were at Starbucks and the lady in front of us was short a quarter. After rummaging through my coin purse, he handed the barista the needed change, and then asked the lady if she wanted a picture with him to remember the moment,” she recalled. “He kept referring to the band as ‘the guys’ for the rest of the night, and still keeps finding ways to drop hints that I didn’t capture any footage of his ‘big save.’ I’d break up with him now but his birthday is in two weeks so I’ll just feel like a dick unless I wait.”

At press time, Hahn has been spotted at multiple shows setting traffic cones around the PA speakers even though no one asked him to.

Photo by Jana Miller. 

Here’s How I Turned My Passion Into A Career By Selling Nylon-covered Mannequin Legs Out Of A Dirty Tent Next To The Highway

Posted on by James Knapp

When someone is committed to following their dreams no amount of psychiatric intervention can stop them. Which is why today I am the proud owner of a soiled tent that I found at the bus station and two dozen nylon-covered mannequin legs which I have been selling from the side of the I-83 off ramp.

Most called me crazy when I finally decided to leave the daily grind behind and go into business for myself – some so passionately in fact that they insisted I be “institutionalized so as to not actively harm the social contract.”

For as long as I can remember, which oddly is not anytime before I became engrossed in a very specific genre of erotic documentary, my passion has always been for the sensual application of artificial stockings to a department store mannequin – preferably while I secretly watch, concealed in a sweatpants display somewhere in the active-wear section.

And now I’m ready for everyone else to experience the same passion that I do whenever I slip a lacy little thing over those hard, silicon calves. A passion that makes you feel warm and damp and just like you wanna put your tongue on stuff. That’s the dream!

Now admittedly, sales have been a little slow starting out. That’s just the reality of starting any small business in this sort of economy. Fortunately, I’ve been able to keep overhead costs low by acquiring most of my merchandise from the dumpster behind JCPenney. Also I sold some of my teeth to Kenny The Suck, who sells pointy blowjobs on the other side of the same highway. How’s that for building a business community?

I believe in this country. I believe in free enterprise. I am proud to live in a country where a man can turn his perverse sexual fixation into a thriving business.

Just the other day I had a customer who seemed really interested in buying one of my fine, salty, slightly blood-covered mannequin legs right before they maced me through the window of their Corolla. But my heart is still in it – I just may have to tweak the business model a bit.

I’m flexible, but there is one rule I simply wont budge on: Do not use these legs to build one of the lamps from “A Christmas Story.” They’re not for that! They’re for sex things.

Tearful Hans Zimmer Pushes Off Ska Album Again After Getting Hired to Compose Another Dumb Movie Score

Posted on by Jonah Nink

LOS ANGELES — A discouraged Hans Zimmer closed out the GarageBand tab on his long-delayed ska album to begin work on another stupid movie score late yesterday morning, ska-loving sources confirmed.

“It’s been my dream to record a ska album, but it seems like every year I get hired to compose for some dumbass movie,” said Zimmer. “Ska is why I got into music in the first place. Composing for Hollywood blockbusters is just a day job. Every time I finish a movie I think ‘now I finally have time to start the album,’ but then I’ll get an email saying ‘Hey Hans, we need you to do another ‘Pirates of the Caribbean’ movie.’ It sucks. I just want to dance and play the trombone in a band with twenty guys like any other Academy Award-winning composer.”

Director Denis Villeneuve said that Zimmer seemed distracted while scoring the film’s soundtrack.

“I’d tell him how I want the music to sound and he’d nod, but it was obvious his mind was elsewhere,” said Villeneuve. “This giant CGI sandworm cost millions and took 8,000 man-hours to animate, and he scored it with upbeat trumpets? We only had a couple days to record an entire new soundtrack, so Hans recorded himself singing in the shower and added a ton of reverb. Surprisingly, that new soundtrack is on track to win an Oscar. I still won’t be working with him again.”

Despite criticism from collaborators, Zimmer has shared demos of the album in works with his colleagues to great delight.

“Zimmer’s shit fucking rips, dude,” said ‘Star Wars’ composer John Williams. “Less Than Jake? Goldfinger? Reel Big Fish? Those motherfuckers can’t hold a candle to some of the demos that the Hansmeister has shown me. It’s a shame he hasn’t had a chance to finish the songs, but I know how it goes. My two-piece slam metal band “Shitfuck” had an EP in the works, but then Disney bought Star Wars and I had to compose for all those dumb new movies. Sure the new trilogy is over, but now I have to wait until my drummer finishes his community service hours to work on the songs again.”

At press time, sources reported seeing Zimmer try to convince Ridley Scott to let him put a trumpet breakdown in the ‘Gladiator 2’ soundtrack.

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