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How To Weaponize Your Newly Diagnosed ADHD To Never Do The Dishes Again

Thank god — you have recently been diagnosed with ADHD, which makes so much sense considering what a train wreck you are. This is useful for a variety of reasons, like getting work done and functioning well, but also, you can totally weaponize this to not do your share of the chores.

It’s easy if you follow these simple steps:

1. Be sure to let everyone know you have been diagnosed with ADHD

You should do both an Instagram story and a grid post with a several-hundred-word caption detailing your journey. We also suggest making sure to tell all of your family, close friends, and roommates in person individually like you’re coming out or something.

2. Mention your neurodivergent status as often as possible
Try to do a little sprinkling of ADHD talk throughout your daily life. For example, when your roommate has to pay for your coffee because you forgot your debit card (again), brush it off with something like “oh, you know how it is—just one of those neurodivergent things!”

3. Clearly state to your roommate that you haven’t forgotten to do the dishes
When Lydia starts to mention that it’s your turn to do the dishes, be clear with her that you didn’t forget. This is a symptom of ADHD, so like, it’s not that you’re blowing her off; it’s that you literally can’t help not doing them.

4. Get defensive when they mention that they’ve been piling up for weeks
Ok, now she’s being kind of a huge bitch in suggesting that this is the fifth time she’s asked you to do them. And like, so what if it is? Is she seriously going to accuse you of mal-intent when you obviously have a legitimate mental disorder that makes it impossible for you to be a decent person to live with???

5. Accuse them of ableism
You know what? She’s being ableist as hell right now. Tell this to her face and be sure to raise your voice even though she is trying her best to diffuse the situation and keeps apologizing and crying and stuff.

6. Make a callout post about your toxic housing situation
Now that your Instagram page is titled “neuroatypicalqueerthings” has blown up, it’s time to utilize the power of a massive anonymous mob. Be sure to tag Lydia and drop her parent’s home address in the comments after asking people to “not harass her you guys, I’m just asking for accountability.”

7. Post a GoFundMe for moving expenses
It has become clear that you need to get out of this apartment STAT. It’s time to post a GoFundMe for your moving fees to the most gentrified part of Portland.

8. Move; repeat steps 1-7…
…until all potential roommates are terrified of you, and you will never have to do housework of any kind again!