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Here’s How I Turned My Passion Into A Career By Selling Nylon-covered Mannequin Legs Out Of A Dirty Tent Next To The Highway

When someone is committed to following their dreams no amount of psychiatric intervention can stop them. Which is why today I am the proud owner of a soiled tent that I found at the bus station and two dozen nylon-covered mannequin legs which I have been selling from the side of the I-83 off ramp.

Most called me crazy when I finally decided to leave the daily grind behind and go into business for myself – some so passionately in fact that they insisted I be “institutionalized so as to not actively harm the social contract.”

For as long as I can remember, which oddly is not anytime before I became engrossed in a very specific genre of erotic documentary, my passion has always been for the sensual application of artificial stockings to a department store mannequin – preferably while I secretly watch, concealed in a sweatpants display somewhere in the active-wear section.

And now I’m ready for everyone else to experience the same passion that I do whenever I slip a lacy little thing over those hard, silicon calves. A passion that makes you feel warm and damp and just like you wanna put your tongue on stuff. That’s the dream!

Now admittedly, sales have been a little slow starting out. That’s just the reality of starting any small business in this sort of economy. Fortunately, I’ve been able to keep overhead costs low by acquiring most of my merchandise from the dumpster behind JCPenney. Also I sold some of my teeth to Kenny The Suck, who sells pointy blowjobs on the other side of the same highway. How’s that for building a business community?

I believe in this country. I believe in free enterprise. I am proud to live in a country where a man can turn his perverse sexual fixation into a thriving business.

Just the other day I had a customer who seemed really interested in buying one of my fine, salty, slightly blood-covered mannequin legs right before they maced me through the window of their Corolla. But my heart is still in it – I just may have to tweak the business model a bit.

I’m flexible, but there is one rule I simply wont budge on: Do not use these legs to build one of the lamps from “A Christmas Story.” They’re not for that! They’re for sex things.