Every Avenged Sevenfold Album Ranked Worst To Best

Posted on by Scott Waldman

Avenged Sevenfold formed in 1999, released their debut LP “Sounding the Seventh Trumpet” in 2001 via Good Life Recordings, a Belgian independent record label with acts like Death Before Disco, Shelter, and Gimme Shelter: THE Stones Tribute Band, consisting of a seven-foot tall Keith Richards-esque imitator holding an empty coconut consisting of seven cigarette butts whilst sneering in disgust at all miscreants in the crowd, then signed with Hopeless Records, re-released said first record, and several years later became one of the biggest bands in hard rock/metal. Avenged Sevenfold came out with a polarizing studio album this year called “Life Is But A Dream…,” and we are ranking said album along with their seven others from worst to best.

8. Sounding the Seventh Trumpet (2001)

A band’s first album sometimes is a peak version of said act, and in other instances it foreshadows what the group is going to become, in a good to some and meh to others way. “Sounding the Seventh Trumpet” is more of the latter than the former, but overall, it’s still quite strong. A lot of people thought that Avenged Sevenfold was in the Christian club populated by Underoath, Emery, and Sons of Abraham because of this collection of songs’ title, which comes from the Book of Revelation, but it couldn’t be further from the truth, as the band has been practicing Dudeism since the Coen Brothers’ “The Big Lebowski” came out. What’s rad about this is that the band doesn’t preach or proselytize, knowing that said darkness surrounding verbiage will be an epic of time wasted… Through thick and thin, this band has morals that may surprise you!

Play it again: “Warmness On The Soul”
Skip it: “Streets”

7. Hail to the King (2013)

Alright, it’s feather ruffling time now, or possibly said birds perished because of the previous mention about 76 trombones. Despite this LP containing the band’s highest public number of streams title track, any record after the perfect and dreamy “Nightmare” likely would’ve been at least a disappointment. “Hail to the King” was not only produced by Mike Elizondo of 50 Cent, Twenty One Pilots, and Winger fame, but it’s also the first and last A7X record to feature drummer Arin Ilejay, who played the kit like a technically proficient badass till his departure just two years later. “Hail to the King,” like all Avenged Sevenfold records, is great, but the royal family may take issue with its title, and most certainly, Prince “We Want Privacy” Harry, Duke of Sussex, and Megan Markle, Duchess of “Suits,” will make a tell-all Netflix documentary about it.

Play it again: “This Means War”
Skip it: “Crimson Day”

6. The Stage (2016)

It’s a killer move to open an album with an eight-minute plus track, and close it with one approaching sixteen minutes; much respect to the band’s sunny disposition in a simulation era world populated by Neil deGrasse Tyson, and a Roman Sky creating our heavenly father, hallowed be thy name, the angel to the land, a typical example or pattern of something, and the best or worst Summer Stock Stage. It sounds like Avenged Sevenfold listened to a lot of progressive rock/metal between “Hail to the King” and this studio album in the best way possible. Concept albums can fall flat, but “The Stage” truly rises vertically, and if we’re being completely honest, we’re just happy that this one exists. Sincerely. Also of note, in a surprising move to everyone but Bleeding Through, A7X covers Creed’s hit “Higher” to perfection and you need to listen to it right now.

Play it again: “Exist”
Skip it: “Creating God”

5. Life Is But A Dream… (2023)

“Life Is But A Dream…,” A7X’s only album containing an ellipsis, and second LP featuring former Bad Religion, Bad4Good, and Bad Company drummer Brooks Wackerman, is easily their most polarizing release, and possibly one of the more loved yet maligned and maligned yet loved records in the metal world since Megadeth’s live acoustic album “St. Anger”. It’s openly weird AF, and we wish that we were a fly on the wall for Jethro Christianson III’s backwoods Missouri solo album listening party wherein Jethro threw the mp3s of this record into a wall that was clad with SARS, sawdust, and asbestos. We’re all about this. For lack of a better word, dreamy psychedelic masterpiece, yet we’re scared to try 5-MeO-DMT or 4-NotMeP-LOL like da boys in da band. Also, Avenged Sevenfold’s vocalist/frontman/svengal/bouncer M. Shadows publicly acknowledged that this album isn’t for everyone, but it may be for Y-O-U!

Play it again: “Mattel”
Skip it: “Beautiful Morning”

4. City of Evil (2005)

We know that you’re metaphorically going to burn us down and feel betrayed by this non-bronze, silver, or gold medal album ranking, spouting drivel that A7X’s major label debut should’ve been at the very least in the top three or two here, but the wicked strength of the world gives us permission to blind your faulty senses in chains, and eventually trash and scatter your newfound ashes all across your personal city of good, thus making our private country sponsored by evil. The boys look like they work out a lot in each of the music videos for this album’s singles. While the first single from “City of Evil,” “Burn It Down,” essentially didn’t, TRL played the hell out of its follow-up, “Bat Country,” which puts the Bat in “Bateaux,” and the five-piece earned enough royalties from this song/album to procure their own boats.

Play it again: “M.I.A.”
Skip it: “Betrayed”

3. Waking the Fallen (2003)

Sophomore slump? More like a second heartbeat, amirite! Anyway, Avenged Sevenfold’s breakout album “Waking The Fallen” introduced beginner, intermediate, and annoyed passerby guitarists at Guitar Center to the band, and deservedly so… The main riff is a radiant eclipse that could truly wake the fallen from eternal rest, and then you will see the ones that fell so graciously tonight twice whilst all things will begin, end, begin again, and eventually end! We know, like every ranking piece we do, our opinion is so, so wrong, and this album should so, so be number one, regardless of the fact that you don’t know what the hell a remenission is, and are a huge freaking poser… So, so much posing/posturing/positivism/postmodernism here! This record also has the distinction of being the last A7X release with “bleghs,” ogre noises, and “grrrs,” displeasing ardent idiots, and pleasing vocal coaches.

Play it again: “Unholy Confessions”
Skip it: “Radiant Eclipse”

2. Self-Titled (2007)

Self-titled albums could go any way under the sun, and self-produced efforts could fall any way below the earth’s core. It’s almost easy to rag on “Avenged Sevenfold” and the literal Avenged Sevenfold, but your hilarious comments are lost before they are found… This LP was apparently inspired by Disturbed’s set at Ozzfest, and that is not a joke! We would find ourselves scarfing at a little piece of heaven if you gave this succinct and fun record a chance, as it is ten tracks that inspire a confluence of emotions in the best way. Also, “Afterlife” is their best single, and “A Little Piece Of Heaven” is the band’s most grandiose and awesomest Tim Burton-inspired song that never got a chance for soundtrack placement and is way too #$%^ vulgar for a PG-13 rating, but not creepy enough for an NC-17 one like Elizabeth Berkley’s brilliant opus, “Showgirls”.

Play it again: (tie) “Afterlife” & “A Little Piece Of Heaven”
Skip it: “Lost”

1. Nightmare (2010)

Before we get to the sad stuff, we have to shout out three current members of A7X that haven’t been mentioned yet here: Rhythm guitarist who can also masterfully play lead guitar, Zacky Vengeance, lead guitarist who is also an underrated singer, Synyster Gates, and badass bassist Johnny Christ. “Nightmare,” Avenged Sevenfold’s fifth/most superior album, is the first in their catalog without longtime drummer Jimmy “The Rev” Sullivan, who passed away in late-2009. However, the drum parts he wrote were executed flawlessly by former Dream Theater, and eventually former A7X drummer Mike Portnoy, who is a proud Long Beach High School alum on Long Island, New York, but we digress. In addition, The Rev’s vocal takes are featured on “Nightmare” as a loving and powerful tribute. In closing, “Save Me” is the best Avenged Sevenfold tune, and we will take that to the streets!

Play it again: “Nightmare” till the last second of the epic closer, “Save Me”
Skip it: Daymare

Incredible: Guitar Plays in Left Ear, Then Right Ear, Then Both Ears

Posted on by Tyler Roland

Yo, guys. I cannot believe what I just heard. Something that completely redefined my idea of what music is and can be. Get this: at the beginning of this song, the guitar played in my left ear. Then it played in my right ear. But after that…holy shit…the guitar played in both goddamn ears!

It was like the guitarist was cloned inside my own head, playing in a mirror image just for me!
This is fucking genius! It’s like I’m scanning a horizon of music, as if the riffs are words on a page I’m reading!

This insane technology catapulted this song for me, to say the least. Instantly, this tune was transformed from mediocre alt-rocker to something as groundbreaking as “Tomorrow Never Knows.” This has got to be the most innovative musical effort since the first caveman rhythm beaten out on two rocks.

Now, I know what you’re thinking, and I’m thinking it too. Imagine the potential this “musical landscape” innovation has with drums! There’s, like, a dozen of them to map around the listener! I’ve got to meet the person who produced or mixed or mastered this or whatever. We’ve got the next Phil Spector on our hands. There could even be opposite, right-to-left songs recorded for Arabic-speaking markets…it’s fucking Music 2.0!!!

Hearing loss runs in my family, and I never took it that seriously, but you can bet I’m taking every precaution now because if this seamless left-to-right-to-both breakthrough I’ve just discovered is where we’re headed, I don’t want to miss a beat! Then again, if recording technology has reached this level of advancement, robot ears can’t be far behind!

Chill Restaurant Lets You Put Paper Towels in the Toilet

Posted on by Jeff Bender

PHILADELPHIA — The reportedly “chill” establishment known as the 9th Street Tavern in the Bella Vista neighborhood of Center City is now allowing patrons to put paper towels in the toilet, elated sources report.

“It’s just way more convenient than throwing it out in the garbage receptacle six feet away. We get those restroom hardships around here,” said Scott Falcone, who’s owned the bar and grill since 2005. “I realized I don’t want to be ‘that restaurant guy’ who tells his customers what they can and cannot put down the latrine. I want my patrons to feel at home where they can feel free to stuff pretty much anything they want down there, like disposable towels, clumps of hair, and bags of cocaine when the cops are outside their door. Since then business has been on the uptick. Bon Appetit magazine has even deemed us the ‘the best restroom experience in Philly.’”

Customers old and new have flocked to this mainstay, some just to use the bathroom.

“You can’t imagine how thrilled we are about this. It’s so hard to find a place downtown where you can just be yourself, undo a belt loop, and, you know, ram some ‘quicker picker upper’ down the toilet. All my old haunts were starting to tighten up citing ‘blockages’ and ‘outrageously expensive repairs,” said Duke Conti, an on-again-off-again patron of the restaurant. “Scott at 9th Street? He understands. It’s two fifteen in the morning, I’m five Hurricanes in, and normal toilet paper just won’t cut it. Scott’s the only dude in this city that understands that.”

“Inquirer” food critic Craig Laban suggested that the “paper towel fad” might be wearing thin.

“I heard the 9th Street Tavern has plumbers on-call 24/7 because of their controversial paper towel policy. That’s a lot just to make yourself attract customers,” said Laban. “I mean, they really should’ve just focused on the quality dining options instead of toilet needs. And [Falcone] won’t admit this, it seems the patrons are coming in exclusively to relieve themselves before sauntering off to somewhere with better food. Lines for the restroom are frequently out the door. I give this place a week before the entire plumbing infrastructure completely collapses. That’s exactly what happened to all Beefsteak Charlie’s restaurants.”

At press time, Falcone was seen changing the letters on the marquee to announce that 9th Street would now let its customers vape near children.

Recently Sober Friend Pounding Non-Alcoholic Beers With Familiar Ferocity

Posted on by Ryan Dondero

BOSTON — Recently sober man, Brad McBride, is consuming non-alcoholic beers with a ruthlessness comparable to the way he used to consume alcoholic beers, worried sources confirmed.

“I felt like I was losing control of my life,” said McBride as he polished off his sixth Heineken 0.0 and loaded two Athletic Run Wild IPAs into a red beer helmet. “Everything came into sharp focus for me after Sarah’s birthday party at her uncle’s cabin. I blacked out and apparently killed the entire vibe. I had a lot of apologizing to do after running that four-wheeler into the jacuzzi and telling Jake that his half-thrift store, half-coffee shop business idea was fucking stupid and derivative. I think I really hurt his feelings.”

“This is pretty good,” added McBride as he punched a hole in the side of a Budweiser Zero with his house keys in preparation for a shotgun.

McBride’s spouse, Meadow, expressed mixed feelings about his sobriety.

“Of course, it’s great that Brad isn’t drinking anymore. He was absolutely wild and unruly when he drank. It’s just…don’t get me wrong here…I thought he’d be significantly less out-of-control,” she said as her husband constructed a wizard staff out of empties of Bravus Peanut Butter Dark Stout in the living room. “He’s still kind of a maniac, I’m pretty sure he has two broken ribs after he pounded a Suntory ALL-FREE and tried to jump over two of our trash cans. And he spends so much money on non-alcoholic beer. Almost more than when he was drinking.”

Terry Norton, owner of Oak River Brewing, a non-alcoholic beer maker, says this sort of behavior is quite common.

“You stop drinking and you want to keep the party going,” said Norton. “It’s part of a ritual and their routine to consume as much of this liquid as they can and then act like maniacs. And because there are no serious consequences, you can beer bong Brewdog Hazy AF or play ‘Roxanne’ with Partake Pale. We want to provide a product that allows our customers to fill a void in their life while maintaining their reputation as the type of guy who would spit on a cop or fight a group of frat boys because it would be a ‘funny story.’”

At press time, McBride was up at 6:00 a.m. on a Tuesday playing quarters with Brooklyn Special Effects Hoppy Amber.

Eight Songs We’re Listening To This Week To Take Our Minds Off The Roman Empire

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

With Autumn officially in full swing, you might be finding yourself thinking of the power of change. Perhaps you’re considering turning over a new leaf yourself. If previous seasonal transitions are any indication, however, you’ll probably just continue being the same person you were last fall, and the fall before that, and so on and so forth. Rather than scanning your past to figure out what went wrong, we think it’s in your best interest to inject a bit of fresh life into your dull and monotonous existence. The easiest way to do so is with some new music. The best part is, you don’t even have to do anything but sit and listen. We’re pretty sure you’re already sitting, so that’s half the battle won already. Without further ado, here are some new songs and few classics to help widen your palate and ease you into a season of personal transformation or some shit.

Mustard Plug “Where Did All My Friends Go?”

It wasn’t long ago that you would shout the title of this song to an empty living room the second you queued up a ska-punk song at your house party. Now, however, your guests are infatuated with that goofy shit, as TikTok trends and collective societal amnesia have made skanking and trombones seem cool again. Paddle them out to the fourth wave by blasting the latest from genre legends Mustard Plug, whose most recent album sounds just as fresh as a bunch of twenty-somethings on the internet think the summer of ’97 was.

Upchuck “Crashing”

Atlanta’s Upchuck gained quite a reputation for their chaotic live shows and unforgivingly visceral sound. Perhaps the most shocking of all of the band’s abilities is their ability to slow things down at just the right moment to tap into lead singer KT’s innate pop sensibilities. ‘Crashing’ – the latest single from their forthcoming Ty Segall produced LP, ‘Bite The Hand That Feeds’ – showcases the group’s versatility, blending minimalist production with indie-pop hooks large enough to land a whale shark. If they keep it up, punk kids across the nation might actually learn to dance for a change.

The Mountain Goats “Murder At the 18th St. Garage”

You may be asking yourself several questions including, but not limited to: ‘Are those distorted electric guitars? In a Mountain Goats song? Am I dead? Is this Heaven?’ No, no, no. We’re pretty sure the living world is actually Hell, but at least we’re alive to hear the most raucous single The Mountain Goats have released in years, making the wait for their 22nd album ‘Jenny From Thebes’ feel even longer. ‘Murder At the 18th St. Garage’ is a blazing track about, you guessed it, murder. Though John Darnielle has pinned the crime on the album’s titular character in a press release, we’re pretty sure the real killers are Alicia Bognanno, Matt Douglas, Peter Hughes, and Jon Wurster. All of whom’s performances are auditorially homicidal.

Ty Segall “Egg Man”

No, your brain isn’t breaking, that’s just the weird-ass tempo shift in Ty Segall’s new single, ‘Egg Man.’ Having conquered nearly every corner of the tapestry of rock soundscapes, Segall is seemingly setting his eyes on the one that makes you think the brownie you had with lunch was an edible. While we’re on the topic, the production on this one is so wild that we’re pretty sure listening to this song could make you fail a drug test. It would be ludicrous to suggest that Ty Segall is on path to becoming this generation’s Zappa, so we won’t. Still, we have to admit that it’s incredibly entertaining and satisfying to witness him try.

SUM 41 “Landmines”

It’s quite a thing for a band to announce a break-up shortly before an album release and a massive tour. Some call it a marketing ploy, others call it a fantastic marketing ploy. Wherever you land on the controversial subject, Sum 41 is back with a new single, ‘Landmines,’ from their forthcoming as well as final album ‘Heaven x Hell.’ If the signature hooks and bombast on the latest track is any indication, the band appears to be going out with a bang. It’s a great reminder that the best time to quit is when you’re ahead, then a little bit behind, then ahead again.

We recently asked our staff what classic songs they like to play as we head face-first into fall. While the majority of their answers were too horrifyingly depressing to print, there were a couple good ones that didn’t make us feel utterly hopeless. Here are the highlights:

The Chills “I Love My Leather Jacket”

Finally, we are fully in the two to three-week span where it’s not too cold or too hot to really start dressin’. The first day temperatures dropped below 70, one of our writers put on his faithful biker jacket and has failed to stop singing the chorus of this song to himself since. While we don’t really think he can pull off the look, it shouldn’t stop you from trying.

My Chemical Romance “Cemetery Drive”

Now that Halloween is just around the corner, our Managing Editor has moved her office to an unmarked grave in an undisclosed location. She’s still attempting to get interns to bring her coffee, but when they ask her for the address she just sends a link to MCR’s ‘Cemetery Drive’ and tells them they should be able to figure it out from there. To date, five of our employees have never returned from their fated Starbucks runs.

Elliott “Calm Americans”

It’s been a long time since we could imagine Americans being described as ‘calm,’ and it’s been even longer since anyone has thought about the band Elliott, whose unique amalgamation of emo stylings made them one of the genre’s best-kept secrets until their breakup 20 years ago. The writer who hipped us to this one claims it as his go-to Autumn soundtrack, so we’ve been checking in on him a bit more than usual lately.

Goth Band’s Worldview Forever Changed After Single Visit To Water Park

Posted on by James Knapp

COWARD, S.C. — Touring goth band Need Help Again With Ghoul, reportedly changed their entire world perspective of gloomy unenthusiasm after enjoying some fun in the sun at the East Coward Splish & Sploosh water park, sources who can’t stop smiling no matter how hard they try confirmed.

“I never used to think that the sadness of the world could be overcome by superficial pleasures–but did you see how fast I was going on that one really tall slide? Did you?!” said drummer Scooter “Hallowed Murmur” Schlipsciff. “I’m so full of nachos and damp funnel cake right now I feel like I’m gonna puke all over this splash pad, and absolutely no part of me dislikes that feeling. I can’t believe no one ever told me that something as beautiful as this park could exist.”

East Coward Splish & Sploosh manager Carl Foreman was not as enthusiastic about the band’s presence in the park.

“Fuck me, man. Now the lazy river is gonna bleed black with runny mascara for the next three days. This is why we tell people to shower off before they go on any of the rides,” bemoaned Foreman, who it should be noted works in an industry where everything is notoriously covered in urine. “Any time we get one of these goth bands come through, I end up spending my whole lunch break detangling masses of fishnet stockings from the wave pool skimmer. This is not the right body of water for fishnets.”

Water park expert Kaleb Kirkmartin, who is seven years old and a D student, provided his insight on the positive effects waterslides can have on mood.

“I can do a cannonball – but you have to watch me,” began Kirkpatrick. “I love Sploosh park. We come here every weekend so Mom and Dad can relax while they ‘leave the babysitting to those clowns in red shorts and whistles that are all over the place,’ whatever that means. The red slide is the biggest, but I like the blue slide the best. Those weird looking people definitely knew what they were doing, though, when they ate Dippin’ Dots for an hour straight. Expert move!”

At press time, Need Help Again With Ghoul rebooked their entire East Coast tour to coincide with every Six Flags Hurricane Harbor location.



Opinion: Everyone Standing Outside This Tour Bus Hoping to Meet the Band Is a Pathetic Loser Except Me

Posted on by Jessica Lillian

Hey, look at this crowd of people outside the venue next to the band’s idling tour bus. It’s been more than half an hour since the show ended and these weirdos are still here. Don’t they have anything better to do? They’re just shivering in an alley, choking on diesel exhaust, and getting yelled at over and over by security.

All because — get a load of this — they think if they stand here long enough, they’re going to meet the band when they come out and that the band will be like “Hey, you look cool as hell, come hang with us and have a few drinks.”. Ha. Can you believe it? What a parade of patheticness. A lineup of lonely losers. Literally the most embarrassing thing I’ve ever seen.

Now of course I’m standing here, too, but that’s different. When the band gets out here, they’ll be able to tell right away that I’m their one and only real fan. I’ve got my copy of the rare Japanese import version of the debut album on both vinyl and cassette, and a couple Sharpies and a quick four-page letter I wrote to the lead singer.

It’ll be amazing. He’ll marvel at my appreciation of their music and we’ll laugh at those idiot “fans” over there who definitely didn’t even know there was a Japanese import cassette. After that, I’m thinking he’ll invite me on the bus to talk guitars over a few beers and then we’ll go from there. Pretty decent chance that by the end of it, my band winds up opening for them. Maybe on the next tour if our schedules line up.

But look, it’s not like I remotely care about meeting these guys. I’m probably going to leave in a few minutes, anyway, and get away from this whole uncomfortable scene. I’m just waiting for Uber surge prices to drop. I’m not some cringy teenybopper like that girl over there. She keeps craning her neck every time that side door creaks open and someone drags out a road case. Absolutely no chill. Gross.

We’ve — I mean they’ve — been waiting for a long time now. Meanwhile I’ve walked up and down the alley and entire venue parking lot four times now. Just for some exercise, to be clear. Not to try to see if the band snuck out of a different door already to go the bar next door or to talk to the roadie who was taking a smoke break on the steps and find out if he knows where the guys are.

All right, here we go. Yeah, there’s the drummer coming outside and the bassist is right behind. I can’t believe the tour manager isn’t shooing away all those losers swarming them. They’re really taking photos and signing autographs? I guess in that case, I might as well wander back over to the bus. Just so the band members and I can roll our eyes at everyone.

Audience Member Preparing to Throw Phone at Taylor Swift Torn Apart by Mysterious Shadows

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

CHICAGO — Taylor Swift concertgoer Noah Nussbaum was torn into dozens of bloody chunks of meat by dark, shrieking shadows in front of shocked onlookers after he attempted to throw his iPhone at the “Shake It Off” singer, sources confirm.

“The shadows came out of nowhere,” said Swiftie Eleanor Feist while the international pop star continued to play “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together” from the stage. “They just surrounded him and ripped that kid into a million pieces. Part of his lungs got on my shoes. He just said ‘Watch this’ and lifted his phone, and all the shadows came alive and turned into dark hands that lifted him screaming into the air and flayed him alive. I didn’t have much time to think about it though because she was just about to get to the chorus and I had to sing it back as loud as humanly possible.”

Bruce Tadburn, a roadie on Swift’s Eras Tour, has seen the evisceration of a malcontent fan before.

“I’m not really sure what those…things are,” said Tadburn while looking around suspiciously. “In Arlington, they came for a girl in the crowd who was trying to film Taylor. She couldn’t have been more than 16 years old, and they couldn’t find enough of her to put in a Ziploc for the parents. And then in Houston, someone snuck backstage, and I’m told ‘their suffering will only end when the universe itself does.’ On the other hand, those shadows are awesome security and Taylor gave us all a huge bonus, so it kind of evens out.”

Tour manager Derricka Verbosa had little to say publicly about the nature of the avenging shadows who tore Nussbaum apart and sent an eerie chill into every person in a two-mile radius of Soldier Field.

“A star of Tay’s magnitude cannot rely on normal security,” said Verbosa, stubbing out a cigarette and staring into the cheering audience. “Especially with this awful trend of throwing things at performers. Taylor has had to enlist rather unconventional protection for this tour, and all things she borrows from the beyond must someday be paid for in full. Taylor knows this and accepts the risks.”

As of press time, the audience was ecstatic as Bon Iver was being gutted from within during a surprise performance of “Exile.”

Funeral Ruined by Creepy Guy Just Lying There

Posted on by Alec Walker

BUFFALO, N.Y. — Local community members attending a nearby funeral reported the mood of the event was a bit sour thanks to the presence of a lifeless, creepy old man just sort of lying there, multiple sources confirmed.

“I got hired on TaskRabbit to help with this event about some guy named Frank Jones, I don’t know. I showed up, and the guy was rude from the start, totally unresponsive. I kept asking what he did to deserve this beautiful ceremony, but the asshole stonewalled me for like 90 minutes,” said pallbearer Luther McBride. “Wouldn’t even open his eyes! I even kissed his stiff lips to see if it was, like, a Snow White situation, but nothing. It was like his mouth was sewn shut. Eventually I just carried him over my shoulder to his weird horizontal seat. Dude looked like a melting gargoyle, but expected to be treated like an Arabian Prince or some shit.”

Tabitha Burch, a funeralgoer, wasn’t too pleased with Jones’ presence either,

“Singles night down the street got canceled and I was already all dressed up, so I came here ’cause it looked packed,” said Burch, as she unstuffed her bra with used napkins from her glove box. “I thought maybe I’d have a funeral meet-cute. I started flirting with this hot older guy in all black who looked like geriatric John Wick, but it was impossible to get a conversation going with some dead freak in geisha makeup lying down in the middle of the room. Everyone was too focused on him to appreciate my mournful cleavage.”

The priest, Father Paul Gatsenburg, could not withhold judgment of the deceased, even during the eulogy,

“I didn’t have the opportunity to meet Mr. Jones, but the obituary describes him as an exuberant ray of light that brightened every room he entered,” said the highly respected priest. “Honestly, I’m not really getting that energy from him at all. He seems like a real drip, to be candid. Should we kick his stinky ass out? He was really cramping my style earlier when I was mackin’ on that dime piece in the front pew.”

At press time, Jones’ final wishes were honored when he was haphazardly whipped into his grave, gravity sucking his ragdolling carcass into the earth as everyone cheered.

We Went to a Chicago Hot Dog Eating Contest but It Turns Out They Just Eat Like That Normally

Posted on by Rob Steinberg

Fuck yes! A Hot Dog Eating Contest! An American tradition if there ever was one. We were passing through Chicago and appear to have found some sort of hot dog festival because there is hot dog imagery everywhere. And where there’s a hot dog fest there must be an eating competition.

We found it! Wait no, maybe? Every person outside of this Portillo’s has several hotdogs each but nobody seems to be counting how many each person is having.

But people are cheering each other on! Or huh I guess people here just are taking pride in having a nice pile of hot dogs.

Wait, this one guy has a hot dog soaked like the professionals do! Nevermind, it’s soaked because it’s an Italian Beef. Are Italian Beefs really being eaten as a side dish to hot dogs?

I am just a naive twig boy from Portland. This celebration of greasy food is so foreign to me. Our only awareness of hot dog love comes from watching Joey Chestnut compete, but alas these people need no Mustard Belt to prove their enjoyment of franks.

I swear to God every person here has a hot dog tattoo. Half of them say “Hot Doug’s” like they were all branded for some sort of cult. One tattoo says “King Glizzard and The Glizzard Glizzard” which I can only assume is a King Gizzard and The Lizard Wizard pun but they couldn’t decide which word should be the glizzy reference.

Well the night is falling and people are leaving to go get drunk. Then they said something about getting chocolate shakes at a place called… The Weiner Circle? Well the cycle completes itself…