PHILADELPHIA — The reportedly “chill” establishment known as the 9th Street Tavern in the Bella Vista neighborhood of Center City is now allowing patrons to put paper towels in the toilet, elated sources report.
“It’s just way more convenient than throwing it out in the garbage receptacle six feet away. We get those restroom hardships around here,” said Scott Falcone, who’s owned the bar and grill since 2005. “I realized I don’t want to be ‘that restaurant guy’ who tells his customers what they can and cannot put down the latrine. I want my patrons to feel at home where they can feel free to stuff pretty much anything they want down there, like disposable towels, clumps of hair, and bags of cocaine when the cops are outside their door. Since then business has been on the uptick. Bon Appetit magazine has even deemed us the ‘the best restroom experience in Philly.’”
Customers old and new have flocked to this mainstay, some just to use the bathroom.
“You can’t imagine how thrilled we are about this. It’s so hard to find a place downtown where you can just be yourself, undo a belt loop, and, you know, ram some ‘quicker picker upper’ down the toilet. All my old haunts were starting to tighten up citing ‘blockages’ and ‘outrageously expensive repairs,” said Duke Conti, an on-again-off-again patron of the restaurant. “Scott at 9th Street? He understands. It’s two fifteen in the morning, I’m five Hurricanes in, and normal toilet paper just won’t cut it. Scott’s the only dude in this city that understands that.”
“Inquirer” food critic Craig Laban suggested that the “paper towel fad” might be wearing thin.
“I heard the 9th Street Tavern has plumbers on-call 24/7 because of their controversial paper towel policy. That’s a lot just to make yourself attract customers,” said Laban. “I mean, they really should’ve just focused on the quality dining options instead of toilet needs. And [Falcone] won’t admit this, it seems the patrons are coming in exclusively to relieve themselves before sauntering off to somewhere with better food. Lines for the restroom are frequently out the door. I give this place a week before the entire plumbing infrastructure completely collapses. That’s exactly what happened to all Beefsteak Charlie’s restaurants.”
At press time, Falcone was seen changing the letters on the marquee to announce that 9th Street would now let its customers vape near children.