COWARD, S.C. — Touring goth band Need Help Again With Ghoul, reportedly changed their entire world perspective of gloomy unenthusiasm after enjoying some fun in the sun at the East Coward Splish & Sploosh water park, sources who can’t stop smiling no matter how hard they try confirmed.
“I never used to think that the sadness of the world could be overcome by superficial pleasures–but did you see how fast I was going on that one really tall slide? Did you?!” said drummer Scooter “Hallowed Murmur” Schlipsciff. “I’m so full of nachos and damp funnel cake right now I feel like I’m gonna puke all over this splash pad, and absolutely no part of me dislikes that feeling. I can’t believe no one ever told me that something as beautiful as this park could exist.”
East Coward Splish & Sploosh manager Carl Foreman was not as enthusiastic about the band’s presence in the park.
“Fuck me, man. Now the lazy river is gonna bleed black with runny mascara for the next three days. This is why we tell people to shower off before they go on any of the rides,” bemoaned Foreman, who it should be noted works in an industry where everything is notoriously covered in urine. “Any time we get one of these goth bands come through, I end up spending my whole lunch break detangling masses of fishnet stockings from the wave pool skimmer. This is not the right body of water for fishnets.”
Water park expert Kaleb Kirkmartin, who is seven years old and a D student, provided his insight on the positive effects waterslides can have on mood.
“I can do a cannonball – but you have to watch me,” began Kirkpatrick. “I love Sploosh park. We come here every weekend so Mom and Dad can relax while they ‘leave the babysitting to those clowns in red shorts and whistles that are all over the place,’ whatever that means. The red slide is the biggest, but I like the blue slide the best. Those weird looking people definitely knew what they were doing, though, when they ate Dippin’ Dots for an hour straight. Expert move!”
At press time, Need Help Again With Ghoul rebooked their entire East Coast tour to coincide with every Six Flags Hurricane Harbor location.