RICHMOND, Va. — Local man Bryce Carrick found himself humiliated after running out of Dude Wipes and being forced to wipe his ass with toilet paper like a woman, sources report.
“This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me,” Carrick wailed. “I pride myself in being a true man, which is why I always keep a pack of Dude Wipes at the ready for when it comes time to drop a deuce. I never want to use toilet paper to wipe my south-mouth, so when I saw that my pack was empty, I knew I had royally fucked up. Also, I had already pinched off the loaf, so it’s not like I could just suck it back up and run to the store to replenish my supply. I just had to swallow my pride and use some of my girlfriend’s Charmin. I’m so ashamed.”
Carrick’s friend Geoff Burke was shocked and disgusted at his bro’s transgression.
“Bryce did what?” Burke exclaimed. “I never in a million years would’ve thought he’d pull such a bitch move after dropping a log. Doesn’t he know that men need to use Dude Wipes because Cottonelle is for women? I just can’t believe he would do something like this not just to himself, but to me. It’s like he took a swipe at the hole of each of his dudes with that weak-ass toilet paper. He better not try to look me in the eye and act like nothing is wrong the next time he sees me, because as far as I’m concerned, Bryce Carrick is dead to me.”
Gordon Stillwater, an expert on bro culture, provided his expertise on the situation.
“It is a serious breach of bro culture for a guy to engage in a sanitary habit that’s not specifically catered to men,” Stillwater reported. “Frankly, I’m shocked that this individual debased himself so much as to use regular toilet paper. If he were a true bro, he would have postponed the wiping and ventured out to purchase more Dude Wipes with a dirty asshole. The only acceptable form toilet paper for men is Dude Wipes, leaves, and tree bark.”
At press time, Carrick was further humiliated when he ran out of Manly Loads and had to use regular laundry detergent like a woman.
