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Recently Sober Friend Pounding Non-Alcoholic Beers With Familiar Ferocity

BOSTON — Recently sober man, Brad McBride, is consuming non-alcoholic beers with a ruthlessness comparable to the way he used to consume alcoholic beers, worried sources confirmed.

“I felt like I was losing control of my life,” said McBride as he polished off his sixth Heineken 0.0 and loaded two Athletic Run Wild IPAs into a red beer helmet. “Everything came into sharp focus for me after Sarah’s birthday party at her uncle’s cabin. I blacked out and apparently killed the entire vibe. I had a lot of apologizing to do after running that four-wheeler into the jacuzzi and telling Jake that his half-thrift store, half-coffee shop business idea was fucking stupid and derivative. I think I really hurt his feelings.”

“This is pretty good,” added McBride as he punched a hole in the side of a Budweiser Zero with his house keys in preparation for a shotgun.

McBride’s spouse, Meadow, expressed mixed feelings about his sobriety.

“Of course, it’s great that Brad isn’t drinking anymore. He was absolutely wild and unruly when he drank. It’s just…don’t get me wrong here…I thought he’d be significantly less out-of-control,” she said as her husband constructed a wizard staff out of empties of Bravus Peanut Butter Dark Stout in the living room. “He’s still kind of a maniac, I’m pretty sure he has two broken ribs after he pounded a Suntory ALL-FREE and tried to jump over two of our trash cans. And he spends so much money on non-alcoholic beer. Almost more than when he was drinking.”

Terry Norton, owner of Oak River Brewing, a non-alcoholic beer maker, says this sort of behavior is quite common.

“You stop drinking and you want to keep the party going,” said Norton. “It’s part of a ritual and their routine to consume as much of this liquid as they can and then act like maniacs. And because there are no serious consequences, you can beer bong Brewdog Hazy AF or play ‘Roxanne’ with Partake Pale. We want to provide a product that allows our customers to fill a void in their life while maintaining their reputation as the type of guy who would spit on a cop or fight a group of frat boys because it would be a ‘funny story.’”

At press time, McBride was up at 6:00 a.m. on a Tuesday playing quarters with Brooklyn Special Effects Hoppy Amber.