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Funeral Ruined by Creepy Guy Just Lying There

BUFFALO, N.Y. — Local community members attending a nearby funeral reported the mood of the event was a bit sour thanks to the presence of a lifeless, creepy old man just sort of lying there, multiple sources confirmed.

“I got hired on TaskRabbit to help with this event about some guy named Frank Jones, I don’t know. I showed up, and the guy was rude from the start, totally unresponsive. I kept asking what he did to deserve this beautiful ceremony, but the asshole stonewalled me for like 90 minutes,” said pallbearer Luther McBride. “Wouldn’t even open his eyes! I even kissed his stiff lips to see if it was, like, a Snow White situation, but nothing. It was like his mouth was sewn shut. Eventually I just carried him over my shoulder to his weird horizontal seat. Dude looked like a melting gargoyle, but expected to be treated like an Arabian Prince or some shit.”

Tabitha Burch, a funeralgoer, wasn’t too pleased with Jones’ presence either,

“Singles night down the street got canceled and I was already all dressed up, so I came here ’cause it looked packed,” said Burch, as she unstuffed her bra with used napkins from her glove box. “I thought maybe I’d have a funeral meet-cute. I started flirting with this hot older guy in all black who looked like geriatric John Wick, but it was impossible to get a conversation going with some dead freak in geisha makeup lying down in the middle of the room. Everyone was too focused on him to appreciate my mournful cleavage.”

The priest, Father Paul Gatsenburg, could not withhold judgment of the deceased, even during the eulogy,

“I didn’t have the opportunity to meet Mr. Jones, but the obituary describes him as an exuberant ray of light that brightened every room he entered,” said the highly respected priest. “Honestly, I’m not really getting that energy from him at all. He seems like a real drip, to be candid. Should we kick his stinky ass out? He was really cramping my style earlier when I was mackin’ on that dime piece in the front pew.”

At press time, Jones’ final wishes were honored when he was haphazardly whipped into his grave, gravity sucking his ragdolling carcass into the earth as everyone cheered.