CHICAGO — Taylor Swift concertgoer Noah Nussbaum was torn into dozens of bloody chunks of meat by dark, shrieking shadows in front of shocked onlookers after he attempted to throw his iPhone at the “Shake It Off” singer, sources confirm.
“The shadows came out of nowhere,” said Swiftie Eleanor Feist while the international pop star continued to play “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together” from the stage. “They just surrounded him and ripped that kid into a million pieces. Part of his lungs got on my shoes. He just said ‘Watch this’ and lifted his phone, and all the shadows came alive and turned into dark hands that lifted him screaming into the air and flayed him alive. I didn’t have much time to think about it though because she was just about to get to the chorus and I had to sing it back as loud as humanly possible.”
Bruce Tadburn, a roadie on Swift’s Eras Tour, has seen the evisceration of a malcontent fan before.
“I’m not really sure what those…things are,” said Tadburn while looking around suspiciously. “In Arlington, they came for a girl in the crowd who was trying to film Taylor. She couldn’t have been more than 16 years old, and they couldn’t find enough of her to put in a Ziploc for the parents. And then in Houston, someone snuck backstage, and I’m told ‘their suffering will only end when the universe itself does.’ On the other hand, those shadows are awesome security and Taylor gave us all a huge bonus, so it kind of evens out.”
Tour manager Derricka Verbosa had little to say publicly about the nature of the avenging shadows who tore Nussbaum apart and sent an eerie chill into every person in a two-mile radius of Soldier Field.
“A star of Tay’s magnitude cannot rely on normal security,” said Verbosa, stubbing out a cigarette and staring into the cheering audience. “Especially with this awful trend of throwing things at performers. Taylor has had to enlist rather unconventional protection for this tour, and all things she borrows from the beyond must someday be paid for in full. Taylor knows this and accepts the risks.”
As of press time, the audience was ecstatic as Bon Iver was being gutted from within during a surprise performance of “Exile.”