World’s Oldest Recorder Player Dies at 12

Posted on by Cory Cousins

OGDEN, Utah — The recorder community grieved this week as its oldest living member, Jenny “Jelly Roll” Wilson, passed away at the seasoned age of 12, sources in Wilson’s brownie scout troop confirmed.

“I still can’t believe she’s gone,” lamented professional recordist Charlie “Toots” Clarke, 7. “Jenny was a mensch. She was the type of girl who would give you the last McNugget out of her Happy Meal without even asking her for it. Not to mention her skill. I mean, most of us just ‘play’ the recorder. Jenny transcended the recorder into a spiritual experience for her audiences. Her rendition of ‘Hot Cross Buns’ still brings me to tears even after all these years. We lost a giant.”

Wilson’s parents were shaken by the passing of their daughter, but were moved by the outpouring of kind words and support from fans and colleagues alike.

“It’s been really tough on us as parents,” admitted Wilson’s mother, Geannie Wilson. “Of course, nobody wants to go through the experience of burying one’s child, but it has also shed some light on who Jenny was as a person, and the huge influence she had on people. The response from the international recorder community has been overwhelming. Jenny died doing what she loved — playing a small handful of notes on a plastic woodwind instrument — and that’s evident now. Plus, we have another kid, so it could be worse.”

Wilson’s on-again, off-again girlfriend, Chelsea Bernstein, 10, offered a look into the sagely musician’s personal life outside of the constant touring and celebrity image that had dominated much of her later life.

“Jenny wasn’t ‘Jenny Wilson, oldest living internationally-famous recordist’ to me,” explained Bernstein. “She was just a person. A person with all of the flaws, quirks, and insecurities the rest of us have. I think that’s what attracted me to her in the first place. Her vulnerability. True, we did have our rocky patches along the way, like when her parents grounded her for two days, or when my parents took me to my grandma’s for the weekend. The distance put a huge strain on our relationship. But it was never anything a big bowl of Mac n’ Cheese and a marathon of Pokémon in my parent’s living room couldn’t fix. I’ll remember her for infinity plus one.”

Following the burial of Wilson, the title of “World’s Oldest Recorder Player” was passed on to eleven-year-old fifth grader from Oshkosh, Wisconsin, Johnny “Jaws” Baumgartner.

Tragic: Friend With Car Doesn’t Want To Leave This Party Yet

Posted on by Rob Steinberg

Horrible news. It looks like Chris, our friend who drove us to the party, wants to stay longer. He seems to be in the middle of some conversation with a bunch of people—we don’t know them—who won’t stop joking about some friend of theirs who we also don’t know. You’re seriously the only person I get along with here, and it doesn’t even count because we came here together in dumbass Chris’ car. This is a tragedy and I just wanna go home.

I looked at my phone and it’s past midnight so no more buses are running at this time. We could split an Uber but we’re so far away. Hey, at least looking up how to get home gave us something to do! But now I’m bored again. This sucks.

Honestly, this is our fault for agreeing to come along. Sure, we heard more people we knew were gonna show up, but we should’ve confirmed somehow. Where are they? Do you think they all decided to hang out without us? Do you think it’s because Chris is always blowing his real friends off to talk to his other friends? Fucking Chris, dude.

Who are these people? How does Chris know all of them? Why do I have zero things in common with them when I try to talk to them? Not one person laughed when I quoted Mitch Hedberg. I hate it here.

People have been slowly trickling out, and it seems like we’re gonna be one the last ones here. Only one person gave us a half-hearted “nice meeting you” before enthusiastically hugging Chris goodbye. Humanity is scum and if the apocalypse happens tomorrow, I’ll be happy.

I think I found us a ride. Before you even ask, yes, it’s the older couple in the corner who are obviously swingers. Well, they said Chris’ car looks old enough to hotwire and they’re old enough to know to do that, so let’s crush these seltzers and get outta here.

Dive Bar Bouncer Forced to Cover Non-Tattooed Parts of Body Before Clocking In

Posted on by Zach Raffio

SAN FRANCISCO — Local bouncer Frank DeGarge confirmed today that he is forced to cover up any non-tattooed parts of his body before clocking in for his shift at crunchy punk pub Mel’s Dive.

“It’s a little frustrating that I can’t express myself, but at the same time, I get that I’m representing the business,” noted DeGarge while taping small strips of fabric to his body parts lacking art. “They just don’t want people to get the wrong idea: this is a slimy, grungy, rough n’ tumble establishment, and it’s important for the brand voice that all employees match that. If people see me outside exposing non-tattooed skin, they might think this is some yuppie bar where they can hang out after working at their ‘disruptive’ tech start up. This is one of the only bars left in town where every conversation isn’t about mother fucking algorithms.”

Bar patrons appreciate the policy.

“It just makes me feel more comfortable,” noted Mel’s regular Angie Hall. “As someone who comes to Mel’s to listen to street punk, drink a few beers, and maybe threaten someone with a broken bottle, it makes me feel safer to be surrounded by someone completely covered in tattoos from head to toe. I don’t care if it’s perpetrating a social stigma: seeing even one square inch of un-etched skin is completely unprofessional.

Mel’s Dive owner and manager Mel Lubin believes the dress code is a vital part to the success of his establishment.

“If you want to flaunt your tacky, un-tattooed arms, go work at Goldman Sachs,” noted the longtime small business owner, who is almost completely covered in body art and follows his own policy by wearing sunglasses indoors to cover his non-tattooed pupils. “We have a stern culture here at Mel’s. In fact, I almost didn’t hire Frank once I saw that the upper area of his neck was completely bare. But hey, I’m trying to be more open.”

Mel’s Dive is also planning to mandate name tags featuring sub-genre associations, and restricting PTO for bar fight stabbings planned at least two weeks in advance.

Review: The Evens “Get Evens”

Posted on by Krissy Howard

The Evens followed up their self-titled debut with “Get Evens” an album that will make most married couples say “Why can’t we do more stuff together.”

When I heard that Ian MacKaye and Amy Farina had a project called The Evens, I couldn’t wait to check it out. Minor Threat was my favorite band in high school after my first boyfriend, Evan [name redacted] made me a tape with some of their stuff on it. The thing that made me most excited about it, though, was the fact that Farina and MacKaye could come together, as a couple, to support each other, collaborate, and make sweet beautiful love in the form of three-and-a-half minute songs.

Even when things got hard, which I’m sure they did, Ian and Amy walked through it together. I wish me and Evan could have said the same, but unfortunately, the pressure of being boyfriend/girlfriend in seventh grade in 1994 proved to be too much for us, even after giving it six honest tries over the span of nine months.

My assignment for this review was to listen to and talk about The Evens album ‘Get Evens,’ but this whole thing got me thinking about young love, parents who I’m pretty sure had it out for me ever since the time I refused a napkin and instead used the interior of Mr. [name redacted]’s car to wipe ice cream off my hair, and of course, my sweet Evan.

It also led me down a path of internet searches that led me to learn that restraining orders expire after one year, and don’t last “until after one of you dies,” like Evan’s horrible mom, Mrs. [name redacted], told me after refusing to give me candy on Halloween a couple of years after I graduated. But now that I think about it, I’m not even sure that was true, based on how the [name redacted]’s would still have me come over every third Saturday to mow their lawn.

To think, that all this time Evan and I could have been making beautiful art and living a wonderful life together, but instead, Evan’s wasted all these years moving on with his life without me, while I’ve been here breeding backyard guinea pigs and picking up my 60 day key tag no less than 14 times.

Anyway, maybe, as the great Bhodi once said to his frenemy/hottie Johnny Utah, I’ll “see you in the next lift,” Evan [name redacted.] I hope you’re happy wherever you are (which according to what I saw on Facebook is Boca Raton, Florida at your cousin Brooke’s wedding, or at least that’s where you were 13 weeks ago.)

Score: I guess if I want to get paid for writing this I’ll give the album 4 out of 5 orders of protection, since apparently those don’t mean shit anyway and anyone can just say they got one against you when really they’re just mad about how you clogged their lawnmower with one of those plastic milk cartons. They obviously needed to change the blades on that thing anyway because it didn’t cut jack shit.

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Senate Pulls All Nighter to Ensure Infrastructure Deal Protects Oil and Gas Industry

Posted on by Dianne Nora

WASHINGTON — Members of the United States Senate were up until the early hours of the morning working to protect the oil and gas industry from sweeping reforms in the infrastructure bill.

“We want our lobbyists from all over the country to know that their interests are our interests,” said Senator Joe Manchin, while sweeping up several crushed empties of Monster Energy drink cans and discarded coffee cups. “If that means I have to lose sleep to ensure a ban on fracking never sees the light of day, then you can bet on the significant donations I receive from the petroleum industry that that is what I’m going to do.”

While many of the amendments dealt with potential issues in the bill, some Senators went the extra mile to ensure every right-wing talking point would be addressed.

“There may be no actual portions of this infrastructure bill that address caps on animal flatulence, but facts don’t go far in this town,” confirmed a messy-haired and red-eyed Senator Joni Ernst of Iowa, who proposed an amendment forbidding methane regulations on livestock in between double espresso shots. “If my little stunt can get me on Fox News, I know that my most important constituents, from one end of K Street to the other, will know that I’m willing to put their bottom lines above my own. And that’s what I came to Washington to do.”

Oil industry representatives shared their utmost appreciation for the selfless determination displayed by the senators in question.

“It can be a hard, thankless job that we do, and it’s just nice to see that some people who we pay a lot of money to are thinking of us over their own comfort,” said lobbyist for BP, Dana Oates-Classon. “It took a lot of jumping jacks, music turned up at full blast, and late-night streaking just to keep their heads in the game, but our boys came through, and we won’t forget that. Plus, I heard Schumer was the first to pass out and they totally got him with that hand in warm water prank, which is just fucking classic.”

At press time, Senators were still unresolved on an amendment forcing Ted Cruz to share his travel agent with his colleagues should a natural disaster force them to leave town in a hurry.

Man Worried Marriage Proposal Sending Wrong Message About Level of Commitment

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

CHICAGO — Local man Wesley Farkas is worried that a recent proposal to enter into a lifetime commitment with girlfriend Rebecca Bender sent the wrong message about his level of availability to the partnership, sources confirmed.

“I just don’t want Becky to read too much into this,” Farkas said while deleting emails from his new fiancé about wedding venues. “I really don’t know why every time a guy gets down on one knee after a lovely brunch with all their friends and family and asks a woman to make him the happiest man on Earth, some chicks act like it’s a huge deal. Becky and I have only been hanging out for like, seven years. I just want to keep things casual, and not have that one-and-a-half karat cubic zirconia ring be misinterpreted. I mean, am I wrong?”

Bender had equally strong, if differing opinions about the proposal.

“I won’t lie, that proposal was pretty shocking,” Bender said. “I honestly thought that Wes seemed to be pulling away ever since I moved into his condo. He had gotten kind of vague about everything and wouldn’t ever make plans other than ‘getting a casual drink,’ but I guess all of that was just an act so I would be that much more surprised when waited til sunset to play that ‘You’ve Got a Friend in Me’ song from ‘Toy Story’ on ukulele. Kind of a weird choice, now that I’m saying it out loud.”

Pre-marriage counselor Diane Penham is familiar with couples like Farkas and Bender, and she considers it an unfortunate case.

“Shared expectations are the absolute foundation of any successful relationship,” Penham said. “But people often have differing internal definitions of what a gesture symbolizes, and the little nuances get easily lost. In this case, the wedding proposal in which he promised to ‘grow old with her and watch our grandchildren grow,’ to her, is a symbol of lifetime commitment. However, to Farkas, it’s as good as saying that he’s in it for another three, four weeks, tops, and definitely hasn’t deleted Hinge.”

As of press time, Farkas was wondering if he needed to check in with any of the other women to whom he recently proposed.

Cop Makes Heroic Domestic Violence Arrest By Turning Himself In

Posted on by Taylor Roebuck

PLYMOUTH, Ind. — Police officer Kurt Aldrich made a heroic domestic violence arrest after turning himself over to authorities following countless instances of harassment and assault, awestruck sources confirmed.

“I don’t want to call myself a hero. But when someone ensures that a dangerous criminal is put behind bars, unable to harm anyone, I suppose ‘hero’ is the only word that applies,” said Officer Aldrich, a thrice-divorced, 17-year veteran of the force. “I’ve been pursuing this lead for quite a while. I’m not an easy man to catch, especially considering the way everything is set up for me over here. I’ll do everything in my power to ensure that this dirtbag is prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law, and you better believe I’m going to fight it every step of the way.”

Plymouth Police Department chief Burt Burtley was pleasantly befuddled by Aldrich’s landmark arrest.

“At first, I thought he was trying to tell me he got nailed by those spineless bastards from Internal Affairs. I assured him we’d handle it by following protocol and sweep it under the rug immediately. And we’d have to give him the harshest punishment possible for officers: two weeks’ paid administrative leave,” said Burtley. “After I finally understood what he was saying, I was in shock. I’ve been in this field for 35 years and I’m not too proud to say that I actually shed a tear. Some of the finest damn police work I’ve ever seen.”

Experts indicate that this unprecedented incident points to an underlying trend within the nation’s police forces.

“Our research shows that there is actually a wide overlap between law enforcement officers and unlawful behavior. It’s shocking, I know,” said criminologist Marcia González. “Based on the information we’ve gathered, every police force in the country could feasibly see similar landmark arrests. If every eligible domestic violence abuser was apprehended, this country’s jail cells would be completely full and every single precinct would be drastically understaffed.”

At press time, Aldrich was spotted in the backseat of his squad car, instinctively attempting to plant drugs on himself.

The Only Thing That Can Stop a Bad Girl With a Piercing Gun Is a Good Girl With a Piercing Gun

Posted on by V.F. Thompson

Okay, listen up, snowflakes. There’s been a lot of talk about piercing guns, and how they’re “unsafe” and “put children at risk of horrific infections”. Well guess what, I’ve been working at this mall for six years, and I think I know a thing or two about responsible piercing gun use.

You want to ban piercing guns? Well guess what, bans don’t work. People will still get their hands on them, and people will still use them. Do you want your daughter buying a gun of her own on Wish and taking it to a slumber party, putting all of the other girls at risk, or do you want to bring her here, to Claire’s, where I can safely shove a piece of blunt, unsanitary metal through her earlobe?

Even if bans did work, guess what? This country is built on freedom, sweetie. The Bill of Rights guarantees that citizens have the unalienable right to pierce children however they damn well please. It’s a slippery slope; it starts with the government coming for your piercing guns, and you know what happens after that? That’s right. You’re in a gulag, mining salt for twelve hours a day.

Besides, you’re missing the most important point. When a crazed woman comes into the store and tries to hold your child down and pierce their ear, you’re going to want a responsible piercer like myself to be there. You’ve got an unhinged bitch waving around her piercing gun, threatening to drive butterfly studs into the tender flesh of your daughter, and you’re going to need a hero to stand up and do the job right.

That’s what I’m here for. When it’s your child on the line, maybe you’ll learn to appreciate it. Now do you have any whiskey to clean this needle with or not?

Van Thieves Thwarted by Band’s Insistence on Using Peavey, Epiphone Gear

Posted on by John Danek

DENVER — Tooth Rust, a punk band on their first nationwide tour, was spared from robbery yesterday because of their Peavey, Epiphone, and other undesirable brands of equipment, the relieved band confirmed.

“What a waste of time. We’ve been scoping this venue for days, ready to rob one of these chump bands blind,” said a crestfallen Skyler Merrick, one of the would-be burglars. “But we never considered the possibility that a touring band might use cheap, unsellable gear that even a high school music department would reject. Imagine how our hearts sank upon seeing Peavey Valveking heads, sweat-soaked Epiphone Les Pauls, and a shit-ton of Behringer pedals. Behringers are barely worth the raw materials they’re made of.”

“It’s difficult days like this that make me question my childhood dreams of stealing from small-time bands,” lamented Merrick.

Tooth Rust’s rhythm guitarist and vocalist Marky Benn defended his band’s gear choices.

“Well, sorry if we don’t have rich parents like a lot of the bands in our scene. This is the best we could afford, and we actually like our gear,” argued Benn. “Peaveys are cheap and easy to fix, and no one can tell the difference between a Behringer and a Strymon reverb when cranked in a piss-soaked bar basement. So get over yourselves.”

“But in a big picture sort of way, it woulda been nice if someone did run off with all our shit,” admitted bassist Krya Farth. “We could’ve had a Kickstarter and finally get real Gibsons and Mesa/Boogie heads and JHS pedals. That’s why I left the van unlocked in the first place.”

A spokesperson for Peavey Electronics challenged the notion that their products are ear-splitting garbage.

“Our engineers have devoted their lives to creating the perfect American guitar amplifier,” explained Peavey Director of Marketing Sarah Todd. “We set out to create a guitar tone so similar to a garbage disposal that the product itself becomes its own security system — no one will steal your Peavey head, because no one wants it. That is the Peavey guarantee.”

Rumors are circulating that at their next tour stop, members of Tooth Rust laid a trail of dollar bills from the main thoroughfare to the open backdoor of their van.

Gaetz Urges DeSantis to Reconsider Ban on Mask Mandates in Urgent Push to Save Eyes Wide Shut Party

Posted on by Dianne Nora

TALLAHASSEE — Florida Congressman Matt Gaetz issued an impassioned call for Governor Ron DeSantis to revoke his ban on mask mandates early this morning in a desperate attempt to protect his upcoming Eyes Wide Shut party.

“With all due respect to the Governor, he’s really not considering the people who could be hurt by this ban on mask mandates, but masks are about way more than preventing the spread of disease” Gaetz stated. “His rash decision could put the young people of Florida at risk of missing out on some seriously kinky shit. There’s just no getting around it: masks keep us safe, particularly those of us who’ve got the Feds breathing down our necks and who also maybe want to keep their anonymity in case they run into someone from the post office or other place in their kind of small town when they’re just trying to unwind after a long week.”

Faye Barnes, a Jacksonville business owner who specializes in elaborate Venetian masks for sexual exploration, says that DeSantis’s ban has done considerable damage to Florida businesses like her own.

“Ron DeSantis should know that the purveyors of kink accessories in his state have deep ties to Florida politicians and business leaders, so he can expect to hear from us,” Barnes said. “Without going into detail, I can reassure you that many important people, from the statehouse to the clergy, want to be able to enforce masking rules at our elite private sex clubs. It can really go a long way in helping to set a scene. Don’t let the likes of Matt Gaetz fool you. We generally include only the classiest set of anonymous sex enthusiasts.”

Aiden Mosley, a sex researcher and the University of Florida, agreed that DeSantis’s ban would have far-reaching effects on masked sex parties across the state.

“The Governor is playing with fire with this mask mandate, and not in the fun, consensual way that arouses a small but not insignificant number of Floridians,” Mosley confirmed. “Banning mask mandates could leave thousands across the state with only their girlfriends to have intercourse with. Or, in the most desperate scenarios, this ban may force some to have sex with their own wives.”

At press time, Gaetz added that while masks sometimes make it harder to tell a six from a nine, that was the sort of sacrifice we all need to make right now for the safety of our communities.

Photo credit: Gage Skidmore