BEACON, N.Y. — A local raccoon known around the neighborhood simply as “that thing in the yard” could not believe someone would throw away a pile of perfectly good garbage, sources who tried to shoo him away with a broom confirmed.
“Fuckin’ A! Look at all these rare finds in here,” said the raccoon while swimming among the trash as if he was Scrooge McDuck doing laps in a pool of his own money. “I’m talking rotten banana peels, maggot-filled meat chunks, and marinara-stained napkins. Total jackpot! This is like eating at one of those fine dining restaurant dumpsters. Seriously, if these guys had any clue what sort of gems they had on their hands they would’ve never thrown it all away. Really glad I moved to the suburbs when I did. City trash can be absolute garbage sometimes.”
Neighbors were none too pleased to have some varmint rummaging around their personal trash can.
“Not in my backyard he doesn’t,” said Anthony Kremer while discreetly peeking through the blinds to see if the critter was still rifling through his rubbish. “If he wants to eat straight up garbage like some sort of animal then he needs to do it elsewhere. I mean, what if it has rabies? Or even worse, COVID? It could be out there right now spreading a deadly virus to all the innocent squirrels and chipmunks who would never dare disrupt the sanctity of a man’s garbage. Honestly, I’m thinking about calling animal control. I just can’t stand the thought of anything other than me enjoying my hard-earned trash.”
Experts noted that the raccoon is just doing what feels natural.
“These creatures exemplify the ‘one man’s trash is another animal’s treasure’ motto,” said Jane Druin, backyard wildlife expert. “Raccoons are one of the few ‘zero waste’ species on earth. They naturally take a holistic approach to address the problem of unsustainable waste and should probably be commended for their contributions to the community. Instead, they have small rocks hurled at them, BB guns pointed at them, and are sometimes offered a small handful of cat food from an unsupervised child, at best.”
At press time, the raccoon could not believe his luck when he stumbled upon an Olive Garden dumpster that offered seemingly unlimited moldy breadsticks.
“IPAs have kind of always been my thing, at least since high school when I first drank Heady Topper with the cooks behind the restaurant we worked at. But low key, these hard seltzer things get you pretty buzzed and I don’t have to lie about how much I like the taste,” said Watley. “I would never check this in on Untappd though–my beer buddies would roast me nonstop for it. I usually take a six-pack home and enjoy them while I make vegan food. I’ve been trying to cut down on red meat for a while now, I just put on a show about eating burgers when I’m in public.”