Santa Claus Is Coming to Town? Fuck, I Still Owe That Guy 50 Bucks!

Posted on by Rob Walker

Did you hear the news? Santa Claus is coming to town! For most, that means putting out the cookies and milk and eagerly awaiting his arrival. For me, it means boarding up my chimney and spraying reindeer poison all over my lawn. Because while Santa may be coming to bring you all presents, he’s coming to my house to collect. I never should’ve borrowed $50 from the most ruthless debt collector this side of the North Pole.

Most folks think of Santa as a pleasantly plump old elf who hands out presents. But I can tell you that he also has a dark side. The man keeps and updates a list of “naughty children.” Santa holds a grudge. God only knows what he does to people who give him bounced checks.

Admittedly, borrowing money from Kris Kringle wasn’t my proudest moment. I was behind on my rent and, if I’m being perfectly honest, I had made some lousy crypto investments. Who would have thought the “JizzCoin” bubble would burst, leaving egg all over my face? Anyway, I had to get to my mom’s house and needed to get the boot off my car. That’s when that jolly piece of shit appeared out of nowhere with a 50 dollar bill. At the time I thought it was a gift. When he laid his finger aside of his nose, I thought that was the end of it.

Santa doesn’t play, boys and girls. He is relentless. From the day after Thanksgiving to December 26th, his rosy-red ass is everywhere. He knows when you’re sleeping. He knows when you’re awake. He can break into your fucking house, so don’t borrow money for him for goodness sake!

Maybe I just need to level with that velvet-covered toy-pimp. Hopefully, he’ll be riding high on free cookies and kissing mommies that he’ll let this one go until next year. Maybe I could offer him a JizzCoin.

Touring Band’s Secret Santa Exchange Has Firm Two Drink Ticket Budget

Posted on by Zach Raffio

LAUGHLIN, Nev. — Touring band Jug Blowers attempted to avoid the drama of last year’s disastrous holiday festivities by enacting a firm two drink ticket budget for their group Secret Santa exchange, the frugal ensemble confirmed.

“We don’t want anyone going overboard or anything. If we don’t set these sorts of budgets then some members might think we are playing favorites,” noted drummer Anastasia Torrence, trying to slyly gauge whether the bass play was more of a pale ale or cider guy. “We all love to give, and there is no better feeling than opening up your gift and finding two vouchers for comped drinks. Some of these can even be combined to get a single basket of tater tots, which is really cool.”

The band was seen trying to wrap their drink tickets in toilet paper from the bar bathroom, careful not to let their fellow rockers sneak a peek.

“This is the fourth year we’ve done this and this has been the least stressful so far. The first year we did it I gifted our keyboardist writing credit on three songs and that nearly caused the band to break up,” claimed singer Henry Curr, who still doesn’t speak with their former guitarist due to what they call the “grilled cheese situation”. “Setting limits has helped with band unity. Sure, last year and I somehow ended up getting myself as my own Secret Santa and used a bunch of the band funds to get a huge tattoo on my back, but they have all forgiven me by now.”

Louisa Kanon, bartender at Meats & Beats where the gift exchange occurred, weighed in on the flimsy gift exchange.

“These things always get me in the holiday spirit. I’ve seen bands use all kinds of secret santa methods,” stated Kanon while standing near the venue’s “Christmas Tree,” which is just the small bush outside where everyone smokes. “Some bands exchange bottles of Five Hour Energy. Sometimes a guitarist will load in all the drummer’s gear. One year I saw a band exchange their own merch with one another. They… they broke up.”

At press time, current guitarist Hannah Bullkop was reportedly going the “homemade” route, gifting her recipient a batch of homemade wine she’s been fermenting throughout the tour in an empty Gatorade bottle she found.

Real Life ‘Christmas Carol?’ This Woman Was Texted by Three Pale Men From Her Past on Christmas Eve

Posted on by Tim Sheard

Charles Dickens’ 1843 novella A Christmas Carol tells the story of Ebenezer Scrooge, an old miser who is shown the error of his ways by three foreboding spirits. Would you believe it if we told you that one local woman just went on her own holiday journey of self discovery? One that provided a terrifying look at what her life might have become?

Sheryl Doggins was home alone watching TV on Christmas Eve when she received what would be the first of three text messages from some of the pale, sickly men she had dated over the years.

“I was just sitting there on the couch watching The Crown when I felt a chill come over the room,” Doggins said. “That’s when my phone vibrated and I saw a text from Trey. It said, ‘Lmao hey. Just thinking about the Christmas we spent together. Are you keeping warm?” I guess that’s in reference to the year I skipped Christmas to stay with him at his apartment with no heat. Why would he think that was a fond memory for me? I can’t believe I almost followed him to Tampa.”

It wasn’t long before Sheryl was visited upon by another malnourished man from her past.

“As soon as I saw Brandon’s name pop up on my screen, the smell of stale cigarette smoke flooded my memory. The thing is, our text conversation was pretty nice for a little while. But it wasn’t long before he started asking for nudes.”

Sheryl was ready to change her ways and live a more righteous life, but she was yet to face the final specter from her haunted past.

“The text from Kyle just said, ‘Sup.’ Really? He stole my sister’s Xbox for coke money and all he’s got to say is ‘sup?’ I don’t know why I’ve wasted so much of my life on men like Kyle. And I truly have no idea why I just invited him over.”

Lead Singer Refuses to Help Drummer Unload Christmas Gifts from Car

Posted on by Tim Nash

SACRAMENTO — Local post-punk heroes Modern Error have been on the verge of collapse due to lead singer Jeremy Larson refusing to help bring in Christmas gifts from outside, citing exhaustion, seniority, and just about anything else he can think of.

“I’m out there each and every night putting one thousand percent of myself into these shows and my bandmates want me to risk life and limb carrying in gifts? I don’t think, if I throw out my back then this band is basically done for,” said Larson while drinking a mug of tea. “And not to mention that I need to be well-rested for the gift exchange. People are going to expect me to take the lead, hand out all the presents, and gleefully announce what each item is. I’m basically the ‘Santa’ of this entire goddamn scene.”

While other members of the group seemed unfazed by the ordeal, drummer Mikey Donnelly has found it difficult to work past Larson’s brazen attitude toward holiday cheer.

“He said the same thing last year. I was so busy loading in all the gifts that nobody even made me a hot chocolate. I had to make my own, and by that time we were out of marshmallows,” mumbled a visibly upset Donnelly as he choked back tears. “I really thought it would be different this time. I even made sure I was assigned as his secret Santa so he would get something good. But some people just don’t seem to change, even after all we’ve been through.”

Psychologist Morgan Sullivan has made the selfish nature of lead singers a focal point of her latest research.

“For all of their talk of unity and harmony a frontman spouts, you would think it’s natural for these feelings to heighten during the holidays, but astonishingly, it’s quite the opposite. Lead singers actually get more self-absorbed during Christmas,” said Sullivan. “I’m reminded of the time Billie Joe Armstrong sabotaged an entire neighborhood carollers outing at an orphanage just because Tré Cool took the ‘best Santa hat.’ Tré never really recovered, and those poor kids had to watch Billie Joe smash a guitar into pieces while screaming ‘Good King Wenceslas’ at the top of his lungs. It was quite disturbing.”

At press time, Larson was thoroughly unimpressed with his Secret Santa gift: a framed photo of him and Donnelly on their first tour.

Gift of the Magi? This Girl Sold Her Hair To Get Her Boyfriend a Tattoo and Her Boyfriend Sold His Guitar To Get Himself a Tattoo

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

In what can only be described as a Christmas miracle, the holiday news cycle has brought us yet another heartwarming tale of how love can rise above circumstance. This holiday season, one modern couple inadvertently recreated The Gift of the Magi when this girl sold her hair to get her boyfriend the tattoo he’d been wanting all year. Meanwhile, her boyfriend sold his guitar to buy himself the exact same tattoo.

What a lucky couple!

Hattie Kennedy only works part-time at a used book store while trying to get her Installation Art career off the ground, but she still wanted to get her partner, Randal Quinn, something special for their pagan solstice celebration. After much self-introspection, Hattie decided to sell her luxurious, oft-complimented long blonde hair to a local artesian wig company. She shaved her head almost to the scalp in an effort to get enough money to afford the tattoo for her beloved.

“Randal is always saying how he wants a tattoo of Leatherface eating at a Waffle House on his upper thigh,” Hattie posted in the subreddit r/Relationship_Advice. “Wasn’t he going to be shocked when I put a non-refundable deposit down for a session with one of the best artists in the city? Hair will grow back, even if it did turn out that I have a bit of a lumpy skull.”

In an ironic twist worthy of O. Henry, Randal had holiday plans of his own. Randal was also strapped for cash and decided that he would pawn one of his seven guitars to have a little extra cash for something special as well. Without telling Hattie, he paid a friend to give him the Leatherface/Waffle House tattoo.

“I’m just about out of real estate on my skin for tattoos, but I’ve been saving space for this baby,” Randal said from his friend’s basement/tattoo parlor. “Luckily, the dude at the pawnshop gives me a good deal and I’ll be able to buy my guitar back once I ask Hattie to float me a loan. She’s good like that.”

Upon returning home with a shorn scalp, Randal told Hattie that her new haircut was super ‘punk’ and that she should dye what little hair she had purple. He then promptly showed Hattie his new tattoo and she started to cry. He assured her once the infection cleared up it would look awesome.

We followed up with Randal to ask what gift he ended up getting for Hattie. Randal swore loudly and asked us what gas stations were still open.

Man Unsure if Relationship with Wife is Serious Enough to Merit Christmas Present

Posted on by Dianne Nora

PROVIDENCE. R.I. — Benny Davison is not sure if his relationship with his wife of six years, Tara Davison, is serious enough that they need to exchange Christmas presents, sources confirm.

“I’m just worried that it might be a little soon to purchase a unique gift just for her at this point in our relationship,” Davison said, turning over his wedding ring in his fingers. “Don’t get me wrong. I love her. I really do. I just think if I get her a scarf or some earrings, she might get the impression I’m looking for something more serious in this legal union than I’m ready to commit to right now. I’m just not sure what kinds of signals that might send.”

Tara Davison confirmed that she had modest expectations for what she might receive this year.

“It’s not that he never gives me presents,” a four-months pregnant Mrs. Davison said. “Last year, when we were still engaged, he gave me a hand-written gift certificate for one massage, which was so sweet—he even wrote it out in front of me on an old CVS receipt. When I tried to cash in on the massage, things got romantic really quickly, if you know what I mean. I get that he doesn’t want to feel too tied-down. We’ve only been together for six years, so things are moving pretty fast.”

Abiha Quintero, an expert in contemporary relationships, said that many couples had moved away from traditional gift-giving and closer toward overthinking everything well into their union.

“Couples today are redefining commitment in many ways, and exchanging gifts is no exception. While older generations may have celebrated their first anniversaries with the traditional gift of paper, a modern equivalent a husband might give today could be posting a photo with his wife to his Instagram grid,” Quintero explained. “For a second anniversary, we often see couples today inviting the one bi woman they know to join them for a threesome. It’s not that there’s no romance in our modern world, it’s just that it’s expressed today in new ways, such as letting your partner choose what to binge watch next, or promising to stop messaging your ex on Snapchat.”

At press time, Mr. Davison was headed to the store to pick up the monogrammed collar he had special ordered for his pit bull for the holiday.

5 Christmas Traditions Your New Partner’s Family Does Every Year That Are Gonna Be Real Fucking Weird for You

Posted on by James Knapp

So, it’s your first Christmas as a couple and your partner’s family insists you both come out for the holidays. No point in trying to use Covid to get out of this one — you’re in for the long haul. At this point, the best thing you can do is simply to prepare yourself for the unbridled gauntlet of weirdness that is any family’s festive traditions. Traditions like…

All they serve for dinner is bananas.
Every family does their Christmas dinner a little differently. Some gather around the table to a baked ham or a festive goose, but your partner’s only seems to serve green bananas soaking in some sort of murky fruit gravy for dinner. Best not to be rude, peel the bananas the way their mom tells you to, and just accept you’re going to be shitting pure potassium until the New Year.

You can only open presents after you’ve arm wrestled grandma.
From what you’ve heard, before the family descends on the present pile like a bunch of starving jackals on a gazelle carcass, everyone has to pretend to lose an arm-wrestling match to your partner’s ninety-seven-year-old grandmother. It’s cute, but also a pretty strange situation for you. When it’s your turn, whatever you do, just be gentle. If you use too much force it’s only gonna make things weirder when you break every bone in her frail, nonagenarian arm.

Guess who died this year.
Whenever you get enough elderly extended family together you will inevitably have to hear about which of their friends didn’t make it through the year. However, you’ve never seen it done with an actual points system and score sheets, and apparently, there’s a bonus round somehow. It’s pretty metal, but maybe you need to reconsider if this is truly the person you want to spend your life with after this one.

When their father dresses up like a salmon and rolls around in the yard for twenty minutes.
Well, that certainly got abstract fast. Like, is it supposed to be a metaphor? Are you supposed to join in? Just sneak off for a cigarette and try not to think about how this tradition began in the first place.

Something they all keep referring to as “the winter spider hunts in the moonlight.”
If you made it this far then good news, you’re really in love. The bad news is your partner’s entire family is now wearing electrified boxing gloves and something in that cage they have covered with a towel is humming Victorian nursery rhymes. Get used to it, we guess. You’re part of the family now!

Surgeons Successfully Remove Wraparound Sunglasses From Goateed Man’s Face

Posted on by Ben Friedman

ST. LOUIS, Mo. — A team of doctors at Barnes Hospital completed an unprecedented surgery when they successfully removed a pair of wraparound sunglasses from a goateed man’s face, hospital representatives confirmed.

“Our patient was admitted three days ago, white-knuckling the steering wheel of his Ford F-150 and ranting about how liberals were trying to cancel the 4th of July and rename it ‘Pelosi Day.’ After careful observation we realized that his knockoff brand wraparound sunglasses were fused to his skull, causing acute brain damage not unlike a tumor,” said Head of Surgery Dr. Albert Hillstein. “It only took six doctors and 15 meticulous hours, but the surgery was a resounding success. There is finally a ray of hope for those who’ve been wearing douchey sunglasses for ten years straight.”

Surgery recipient William Ellis expressed gratitude and relief after doctors were able to remove what may have become a terminal condition.

“Honestly, as long as I’ve owned these sunglasses I’ve always believed that Obama was the anti-Christ and thought drinking six Mountain Dews before noon was normal. But I had a hell of a wakeup call last week when my daughter pointed out that I was yelling at CNN while the TV was turned off, and I realized something was gravely wrong,” said Ellis. “I’ve only been awake for a few hours but I can already feel a difference. My son, who goes to art school, mentioned socialized medicine and critical race theory and I barely had a reaction. If he had mentioned those things yesterday then I would have hit the ceiling. And not to mention it’ll be nice to finally be able to drive at night again.”

Sunglasses manufacturer Made in the Shades has vehemently denied their products are dangerous, both physically and politically.

“While this isn’t the first time we’ve heard of our sunglasses making half-bearded white men act crazy, we do make it very clear in our terms and conditions that our products should only be used during the daylight hours for no more than 180 minutes at a time. Any sensible person would know prolonged use can lead to believing JFK Jr. is still alive,” said company rep Joe Campelli. “While we are happy to hear that Mr. Ellis is recovering from his procedure, these are sunglasses we sell at highway gas stations and frankly you get what you pay for.”

Before leaving the hospital, Ellis met with doctors to schedule a precautionary surgical procedure to remove his embroidered bootcut jeans from his legs.

Mom Physically Can Not Restrain Herself From Sharing Which Christmas Gifts She Got On Sale

Posted on by Heather Cook

NORTH HALEDON, N.J — Local mother and intolerable gift-giver Lisa Whitaker was physically unable to restrain herself from sharing which Christmas gifts she got on sale at Kohl’s on Friday.

“Even if I grip my mouth shut with both of my hands, eventually the excitement of the sale gets the better of me and I just burst,” said Whitaker while she scanned Amazon.com for last-minute Christmas deals. “I got my son a bomber jacket for eighty percent off on Black Friday. You think I can just keep quiet about something like that? No chance in hell. Giving gifts humbly isn’t the thing that brings me Christmas cheer, but the amount of money I save by stashing all my Kohl’s cash sure does.”

“This year I got my daughter-in-law a blender for ninety percent off. I basically made money buying it. I’m so excited to tell her, I might not even make it to Christmas,” she added.

Whitaker’s son, Devon Whitaker, is a first-hand witness to his mother’s detrimental lack of self-control.
“Our mom always ruins the surprise by blurting out which gift she got us on sale before we’re even done opening it,” said Whitaker’s son. “I have to put on noise-canceling headphones just to enjoy the moment uninterrupted. It’s actually really concerning how hyperactive she gets when she’s talking about what she got on sale. Last year she started foaming at the mouth while she yammered on about some two for one deal on slippers at Target. I’ve never seen a human look so rabid in my life.”

Dr. Lina Morales, a professor in Social Sciences at Brown University, has found alarming patterns of this behavior amongst suburban mothers.

“In a recent survey, we found that three out of four moms suffer from being physically unable to restrain themselves from sharing what gifts they’ve gotten on sale,” said Morales. “It’s a huge global health concern. Mothers that suffer from being unable to restrain themselves are at risk of gift receipt pile-up, store credit fatigue, and possibly facing dreaded red-tag, no refunds deals. The safest thing to do to avoid any risks is just let your mom talk about the sale, smile and nod.”

At press time, when asked by reporters what she will do to keep from sharing which gifts she got on sale, Whitaker replied, “I will just have to do my best to not tell my son that I got him a Kindle for half price. Oh wait, I just ruined the surprise. Sorry!”

Co-Workers Who Haven’t Seen One Another in Two Years Get Caught up in Under Thirty Seconds

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

ATLANTA — Two cubicle neighbors who haven’t seen one another in over twenty-four months are basically caught up on one another’s lives in under a minute after returning to the office, sources in neighboring cubicles report.

“Ellie [Woods] and I aren’t in the same department so we weren’t on any Zoom meetings together during the pandemic,” Gia Burton said while dejectedly refilling her free coffee, which is the only perk of not working from home. “It was so good to see her. I asked her what was new, she said ‘not much,’ I said the same and that was pretty much it. I’m not really into college football so that really puts a damper on topics of conversation for us. I’m still not sure if Gia is married or not, so I try to avoid any questions about her personal life.”

Woods agreed that they were pretty much all caught up within seconds of seeing one another.

“I didn’t think it would get so awkward so quickly. At least Casey [Delgado] in Data Analysis had a baby, so we were able to talk about that while I microwaved my lunch,” Woods said while trying to remember how to send a document to the shared printer. “I’m actually worried that she’ll realize that I completely forgot what her name is. It’s been two years, I don’t think anyone will be offended that I forgot their name. I could tell her I got COVID and still have brain fog from it if she asks.”

Human Resources expert Lorene Bell explained that this is a pretty common occurrence with people returning to work.

“Having spent so much time with people they actually care about, like family and friends, we’re seeing that people are forgetting how to perform mindless banter with people they wouldn’t actually choose to spend time with,” Bell said. “Luckily, everyone still seems to be talking about ‘Squid Game’ so that’s providing some padding for elevator conversations. We suggest you don’t waste all your anecdotes in one big ‘catch up’ session and pepper them out over the weeks after your return in case you end up waiting in line to use the restroom together, or are caught walking to your cars at the same time after work.”

Fortunately, a recent outbreak of COVID in the building sent everyone back to remote work before any more awkward conversations were had.