Surgeons Successfully Remove Wraparound Sunglasses From Goateed Man’s Face

Posted on by Ben Friedman

ST. LOUIS, Mo. — A team of doctors at Barnes Hospital completed an unprecedented surgery when they successfully removed a pair of wraparound sunglasses from a goateed man’s face, hospital representatives confirmed.

“Our patient was admitted three days ago, white-knuckling the steering wheel of his Ford F-150 and ranting about how liberals were trying to cancel the 4th of July and rename it ‘Pelosi Day.’ After careful observation we realized that his knockoff brand wraparound sunglasses were fused to his skull, causing acute brain damage not unlike a tumor,” said Head of Surgery Dr. Albert Hillstein. “It only took six doctors and 15 meticulous hours, but the surgery was a resounding success. There is finally a ray of hope for those who’ve been wearing douchey sunglasses for ten years straight.”

Surgery recipient William Ellis expressed gratitude and relief after doctors were able to remove what may have become a terminal condition.

“Honestly, as long as I’ve owned these sunglasses I’ve always believed that Obama was the anti-Christ and thought drinking six Mountain Dews before noon was normal. But I had a hell of a wakeup call last week when my daughter pointed out that I was yelling at CNN while the TV was turned off, and I realized something was gravely wrong,” said Ellis. “I’ve only been awake for a few hours but I can already feel a difference. My son, who goes to art school, mentioned socialized medicine and critical race theory and I barely had a reaction. If he had mentioned those things yesterday then I would have hit the ceiling. And not to mention it’ll be nice to finally be able to drive at night again.”

Sunglasses manufacturer Made in the Shades has vehemently denied their products are dangerous, both physically and politically.

“While this isn’t the first time we’ve heard of our sunglasses making half-bearded white men act crazy, we do make it very clear in our terms and conditions that our products should only be used during the daylight hours for no more than 180 minutes at a time. Any sensible person would know prolonged use can lead to believing JFK Jr. is still alive,” said company rep Joe Campelli. “While we are happy to hear that Mr. Ellis is recovering from his procedure, these are sunglasses we sell at highway gas stations and frankly you get what you pay for.”

Before leaving the hospital, Ellis met with doctors to schedule a precautionary surgical procedure to remove his embroidered bootcut jeans from his legs.

Mom Physically Can Not Restrain Herself From Sharing Which Christmas Gifts She Got On Sale

Posted on by Heather Cook

NORTH HALEDON, N.J — Local mother and intolerable gift-giver Lisa Whitaker was physically unable to restrain herself from sharing which Christmas gifts she got on sale at Kohl’s on Friday.

“Even if I grip my mouth shut with both of my hands, eventually the excitement of the sale gets the better of me and I just burst,” said Whitaker while she scanned Amazon.com for last-minute Christmas deals. “I got my son a bomber jacket for eighty percent off on Black Friday. You think I can just keep quiet about something like that? No chance in hell. Giving gifts humbly isn’t the thing that brings me Christmas cheer, but the amount of money I save by stashing all my Kohl’s cash sure does.”

“This year I got my daughter-in-law a blender for ninety percent off. I basically made money buying it. I’m so excited to tell her, I might not even make it to Christmas,” she added.

Whitaker’s son, Devon Whitaker, is a first-hand witness to his mother’s detrimental lack of self-control.
“Our mom always ruins the surprise by blurting out which gift she got us on sale before we’re even done opening it,” said Whitaker’s son. “I have to put on noise-canceling headphones just to enjoy the moment uninterrupted. It’s actually really concerning how hyperactive she gets when she’s talking about what she got on sale. Last year she started foaming at the mouth while she yammered on about some two for one deal on slippers at Target. I’ve never seen a human look so rabid in my life.”

Dr. Lina Morales, a professor in Social Sciences at Brown University, has found alarming patterns of this behavior amongst suburban mothers.

“In a recent survey, we found that three out of four moms suffer from being physically unable to restrain themselves from sharing what gifts they’ve gotten on sale,” said Morales. “It’s a huge global health concern. Mothers that suffer from being unable to restrain themselves are at risk of gift receipt pile-up, store credit fatigue, and possibly facing dreaded red-tag, no refunds deals. The safest thing to do to avoid any risks is just let your mom talk about the sale, smile and nod.”

At press time, when asked by reporters what she will do to keep from sharing which gifts she got on sale, Whitaker replied, “I will just have to do my best to not tell my son that I got him a Kindle for half price. Oh wait, I just ruined the surprise. Sorry!”

Co-Workers Who Haven’t Seen One Another in Two Years Get Caught up in Under Thirty Seconds

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

ATLANTA — Two cubicle neighbors who haven’t seen one another in over twenty-four months are basically caught up on one another’s lives in under a minute after returning to the office, sources in neighboring cubicles report.

“Ellie [Woods] and I aren’t in the same department so we weren’t on any Zoom meetings together during the pandemic,” Gia Burton said while dejectedly refilling her free coffee, which is the only perk of not working from home. “It was so good to see her. I asked her what was new, she said ‘not much,’ I said the same and that was pretty much it. I’m not really into college football so that really puts a damper on topics of conversation for us. I’m still not sure if Gia is married or not, so I try to avoid any questions about her personal life.”

Woods agreed that they were pretty much all caught up within seconds of seeing one another.

“I didn’t think it would get so awkward so quickly. At least Casey [Delgado] in Data Analysis had a baby, so we were able to talk about that while I microwaved my lunch,” Woods said while trying to remember how to send a document to the shared printer. “I’m actually worried that she’ll realize that I completely forgot what her name is. It’s been two years, I don’t think anyone will be offended that I forgot their name. I could tell her I got COVID and still have brain fog from it if she asks.”

Human Resources expert Lorene Bell explained that this is a pretty common occurrence with people returning to work.

“Having spent so much time with people they actually care about, like family and friends, we’re seeing that people are forgetting how to perform mindless banter with people they wouldn’t actually choose to spend time with,” Bell said. “Luckily, everyone still seems to be talking about ‘Squid Game’ so that’s providing some padding for elevator conversations. We suggest you don’t waste all your anecdotes in one big ‘catch up’ session and pepper them out over the weeks after your return in case you end up waiting in line to use the restroom together, or are caught walking to your cars at the same time after work.”

Fortunately, a recent outbreak of COVID in the building sent everyone back to remote work before any more awkward conversations were had.

5 Christmas Activities in the Dystopian Town You Created by Wishing You Were Never Born

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

So, you’ve created a dystopian nightmare version of your hometown by wishing you had never been born after a clerical error put your business in danger. Happens to the best of us!

Sure, your beloved little village may be now named after that greedy, evil Old Man Cruster and apparently your wife wears glasses, but that’s not the end of the world! Well, it kind of is for the world you once knew, but now that you’re apparently stuck here in Crusterville (as it’s now called), stop freaking out and try having some good old-fashioned Christmas fun!

1. Sledding Down the Mountain of Garbage

Nothing says “wintertime” like a delightful day of sledding with the family! Of course, we do things a little differently in Crusterville, as most of the hills around here are festering mounds of refuse, garbage and violently burrowing possums! Still, for extremely brief moments when a new snow falls, you can grab a rusty car door or toss the putrescent remains of something terrible out of a lead-based washtub and head on down that garbage slope! Also, you no longer have a family. They have never existed.

2. Use Your Precious, Hard-earned Money on a Cup of Hot Swill

And after exhausting yourself on those hills of decay and squalor, how about a warm-up? Of course, Old Man Cruster owns every business in town, and pays what can barely be called starvation wages to work in one of his sweatshops. But once you’ve skimped and saved and starved for weeks to get just an extra few nickels, try spending them on one of the quaint swill-vendors that line the alleys with their steaming buckets! Sure, it tastes like gasoline and is mostly gasoline, but it’ll warm you up and kill a few memories. Memories of a world that never was…

3. Stop by Crustkindlmarket

Now that you’ve got some gas courage in your belly, check out the Crustkindlmarket! That’s right, at some point, this town even renamed the traditional Christmas street market after the wizened despot who rules this town with the bitterness of a man who has never known love or affection! Stalls full of rude, surly townspeople selling poorly-made wooden dolls of Old Man Cruster! Advent calendars commemorating his brutal victories in business! Hats!

4. Realize Your Younger Brother Died in a Terrible Childhood Accident

This is one of visitors’ favorite activities around the Yuletide season! As you’re wandering the snowy, grimy streets, you’ll come across your beloved brother’s grave. He died because you weren’t there. All those other people did too. ‘Tis the season for horrific discoveries!

5. Form a Mob to Get the Crazy Stranger

Now that you’re getting used to Crusterville, join this growing mass of angry people to get the frantic stranger everyone’s been talking about! That guy is bad news and we should rough him up! Rough him up good! Roughing up people is what we do here in Crusterville, where you never existed but also only exist here now! Wait a minute, It’s you! You’re the stranger! Get Em!

Enjoy realizing the value of friends or whatever, and remember, when the mob does catch up to you don’t struggle just try to go limp.

Maturing Adult Male Asks Mom for Bed Frame for Christmas

Posted on by Alex Aho

FERNDALE, Mich. — Thirty-year-old male Ryan Hess took a significant step toward curating a sophisticated and presentable home space when he reached out to his mother to buy him a bed frame for Christmas, sources within the family confirmed.

“I saw a commercial for a nice bed frame while watching an old Spongebob episode and realized, man, I’m in my thirties and sleeping on a mattress on the floor,” confided Hess. “I felt this sudden surge of motivation that I’ve never had before. I knew I wouldn’t be able to make such a monumental decision on my own, so I did what any reasonable man does and called my mom. She’s really good at that kind of stuff, I still wear the dress shoes she got me when I went to interview for my first summer job when I was 15!”

Hess’s mother, Marylin Harper, was apprehensive about fulfilling her employed, housed, adult son’s request.

“I do think he could stand to decorate his own place by now,” she grumbled while stocking the pantry with Little Debbie Christmas Tree Cakes in preparation for Hess’s visit. “I discussed it with my husband and we realized it could benefit us as well. With the extra storage space under the bed, he can finally take these old band shirts out of my basement. And maybe he’ll finally find a girlfriend to pester about this stuff.”

Psychiatrist Norma Cusick echoed that female attention is a common motivator for heterosexual millennial males to procure wooden bed frames.

“There is a recent trend of women griping about men without bed frames on Twitter, which leads men to believe that owning one will give them a leg up in the dating scene,” said Dr. Cusick. “But this image-centric mindset makes the action largely superficial. It’s sort of like buying a muscle car or overstating one’s fandom of Phoebe Bridgers. Personal habits don’t change with a new purchase. More often than not, sheets on a newly framed bed will continue to remain unwashed for months at a time if he even has them.”

At press time, Hess declared his New Year’s resolution will be brushing his teeth twice a day, which is a sharp increase from his current routine of only brushing after throwing up.

8 Delicious Christmas-themed Cocktails That Will Hide the Fact That One Is Poisoned and You’re Soon To Inherit the Baron’s Holdings

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

We all know the holidays can be a struggle to get through, so this year, make it easy on yourself and get a bit tipsy! Skip the boring beer and wine, a Christmas party deserves a fun, themed cocktail! Even if one holds the deadly, undetectable poison known as “versadinic” and you’re soon to inherit Baron Willowton’s entire holdings…

1. Tipsy Grinch

Ooh, you’re a mean one, Mr. Grinch! But this bright green cocktail made of equal parts creme de menthe, vodka and a dash of bitters, sure isn’t!

Of course, the Baron’s shiftless nephew Paulrick is known for his mean temper and might also have to be dealt with if he keeps snooping around the manor…

2. Eggnogtini

A boozy spin on a yuletide classic, simply mix 2 parts eggnog with cinnamon rum and a dash of nutmeg! It might not be a traditional martini, but traditions sometimes must be broken, especially since the Baron’s foolish new wife is nothing but an American divorcée, interfering in the family’s affairs.

3. Snickerdoodle Old-Fashioned

Nothing says “holiday” like the smell of cinnamon, orange and deep, oaky Kentucky Bourbon! That’s also the telling stench of Colonel Beaumont, the mysterious business associate of the Baron, who is visiting for the holidays and perhaps has seen too much, even in his inebriation. Perhaps.

4. Christinis

Another boozy spin on a yuletide classic, try this delicious blend of vanilla vodka and gingerbread-infused vermouth, finished with a roasted chestnut! The recipe came from François, the Baron’s longtime valet, who cannot be trusted, as he is nothing but a Québécois.

5. Nöel’s Fizz

Live the good life! Champagne, candied orange peel and a single macerated cranberry! But don’t let the bubbles go to your head and forget which beverage has the hidden versadinic. Remember, cousin Alistair from Kent-on-Symouth has his eyes on you.

6. Presents Under the Tree
Surprise! The presents are ice cubes and the tree is gin! This one is a favorite of Vladimir Illyavich Federov, the Smolenski wolfhound breeder who sees everything. Everything.

7. Red Ryder BB Guntini

You got it! A third boozy spin on a yuletide classic! Campari, sweet vermouth and a pinch of gunpowder gives this one a kick! Much like the Baron’s beloved foxhunts at his Willowton estate, where Uncle Bernard and his hot jazz records will no longer be welcome…

8. Santa’s Pleasure

And what a pleasure this concoction of blended Canadian Whisky, whipped cream and charcoal is! And it will soon to be a pleasure to have Willowton Manor all to oneself…soon…very soon…

Happy Holidays!

Guitarist Puts Wet Amplifier in 10,000 Pounds of Rice After Rainy Outdoor Show

Posted on by Bobby Korec

SEATTLE — Local guitarist Griffin Barens carefully submerged his soaked amplifier into 10,000 pounds of uncooked rice after playing a rainy outdoor show in hopes that it would absorb all the moisture from the interior, sources who underestimated the size of the vat needed to accomplish such a task confirmed.

“It’s an old trick I learned online, and like most internet hacks it almost kind of works like a charm,” said Barens, longtime member of the shoegaze band Emotional Knapsack. “Fortunately, Costco had 10,000-pound bags of rice on sale last week, so it’s a good thing I stocked up beforehand or else I’d be looking like a complete idiot right now. Honestly, I’m not exactly sure how it works, but I think each piece of rice acts as a mini-towel and soaks up excess residue. Sure, you’ll be meticulously picking out small bits of rice for the next several months, but you won’t have to buy a brand new $5,000 full-stack amplifier after every outdoor show that occurs during inclement weather. Surprisingly, buying new amps adds up fast.”

Naysayers attempted to debunk the unorthodox solution.

“Absolutely do not try this at home,” said Lauren Spone, spokesperson for Marshall Amplification. “You have no idea how many calls we get from guitarists who’ve done this exact thing and then asked if rice damage was covered under their warranty. It’s not. In fact, we’ve even had to start putting explicit warnings in our manuals not to immerse the product in any cereal grain-based substances of any kind, and yes, that includes grits. Unfortunately, no one reads manuals, so it still doesn’t deter anyone.”

It’s no secret that musicians have had a tumultuous history of playing outdoor shows in less than ideal conditions.

“No one has quite figured out how to safely play outside in the rain just yet,” said music historian Molly Greenwood. “During Woodstock ‘94, it famously poured the entire time, so organizers had to come up with thousands of pounds of rice at the last minute to prepare for all the wet amplifiers. However, someone screwed up the order and were instead delivered mass quantities of quinoa. As we all know, ancient grains just won’t do the trick. The event was an absolute nightmare as a result.”

At press time, Barens accidentally dropped his amplifier on the concrete sidewalk, but thankfully was still able to use it despite several noticeable cracks on the front of it.

“A Christmas Story” Is Actually a Movie About a Hostage Situation at Nakatomi Tower in Los Angeles

Posted on by Tony Morse

It’s that time of year when film lovers get a little out of control with their seasonal cheer. You know what I’m talking about. This obscene idea that any movie counts as a Christmas movie just so long as the story is set during the holidays.

By this logic, “Lethal Weapon” is quintessential Yuletide cinema because there’s that scene at the tree farm and another with some festive lights. Even though it’s clearly about an anti-Semitic sociopath who wants to make a Jesus-themed snuff film. What? Do you think just because Dan Aykroyd briefly dressed for SantaCon in “Trading Places” makes it Christmastide canon? Hell no! It’s ostensibly nothing more than a delightful parable about the incorruptible perfection of capitalism and how only virtuous investors can succeed in the end.

Hell, some people even think “A Christmas Story” is a story about Christmas when nothing could be further from the truth. “A Christmas Story” is not about Christmas. It’s about a hostage situation on Christmas Eve, 1988 at Nakatomi Plaza in Los Angeles, California.

Let’s start with the setting. Ralphie and his family live in some midwestern Mike Pence utopia with that profane leg lamp in the front window. Oh, please. Only the most morally depraved San Fernando Valley heretics would display something so irreligious in their household. Those apostates live in SoCal! But what of the unrelenting winter weather, you say? That’s simply a metaphor for the 34-story tower confining our heroes who have been taken hostage by the suave, slick-talking Scut Farkus.

The next clue is the scene where Ralphie beats up Scut. This may seem like a heartwarming underdog moment befitting a Christmas movie climax, but don’t be fooled by the subtlety of the writing. This scene absolutely alludes to the overall concept of freeing a bunch of hostages using only your police-issued pistol, some east-cost snark, and a socially-acceptable hairy chest.

Now that I’m thinking about it, “Die Hard” really ripped this movie off!

“Do You Know Who I Am?” Cries Son Of Local Discount Furniture King

Posted on by Michael Gursky

ORWIGSBURG, Penn. — Local heir to a discount furniture dynasty Colby Souders verbally berated the staff at Gutter’s Laser Bowl when they refused to serve him a seventh pitcher of beer or let him drink directly from the nacho cheese dispenser while shirtless, multiple witnesses confirmed.

“Who the fuck do those nothings think they are telling me what to do? I’m fuckin’ Colby fuckin’ Souders,” a visibly inebriated Souders ranted while failing to kick over heavy trash cans in an alley. “I’m the son of Dan ‘The Furniture Man’ Souders, of Dan’s Home Liquidators. Maybe you’ve heard of him? The richest fuckin’ discount furniture king in the county, maybe even all of central PA. Everybody knows my dad’s tv spots and the jingle’s infectious. He could buy this town. He’s already imposed his sexual prowess on every mom and milf-looking lady in it. Only a fool crosses him. And by that measure, only a fool crosses me.”

Souders’ also inebriated girlfriend, Clarissa Owens, disclosed more about Dan The Furniture Man’s influence.

“He’s a powerful figure in this area if you catch my drift. He sold my family every couch in our home, and I’ve had sex one each one of them and they didn’t give me a rash or anything” Owens boasted. “Colby and I are a power couple and we don’t like being told ‘no.’ My dad’s been buying up and putting his name on every used car lot in town. Between Colby’s dad and mine, and the potential of their discount empires uniting, we’re set to run shit around here. As if we already don’t. Colbs and I skip the line at Long John Silver’s. Bring Xans into the movie theater. We pretty much do what we want and people suck our dicks.”

Local business owner and Dan The Furniture Man’s personal rival, Howard Zerfass, of “Howard’s Home & Couch,” sang a different tune about Colby.

“The kid’s a cyst and his dad’s a wannabe mob guy sleazebag. Come by Howard’s Home & Couch this Friday for half-off the futon of your choice, in our annual, one-day sales event ‘Futon Half-Off Friday,’” said Zerfass while gesturing to a large warehouse. “I’m not great at naming things, but at least my jingles aren’t atrocious and I never knifed a guy outside the Crocodile Rock in Allentown back in ‘97, which is more than Dan can say!”

At press time, Souders was overheard yelling “I could buy this whole dumpster if I wanted” at a family of raccoons who wouldn’t share their trash with him.

Guy Who Peaked in College Mercilessly Ridicules Guy Who Peaked in High School

Posted on by Billy Patterson

LEWISBURG, Pa. – 31-year-old Cole Geleski, who readily admits that his college years were the best time of his life, mercilessly made fun of an old acquaintance for peaking in high school, sources close to the situation confirmed.

“Mike hasn’t moved on from high school at all,” said Geleski, unprompted. “I ran into him at the bar last week, and all he wanted to do was talk about old teachers we had, and that time he scored thirty points in the district playoffs. It’s pathetic. I was telling great stories about frat parties, and intramural frisbee, and how Beefer shit his graduation gown because he had drank an entire bottle of peppermint schnapps that morning, and Mike didn’t even seem interested. What a loser, he ruined any chance of me going home with that hot undergrad.”

However, Eric Chirinos, a college friend of Geleski’s, reveals that their friend group is beginning to feel the same way about him for failing to mature.

“Cole called my house last night, waking my kids, to ask if I wanted to get ‘shitfaced’ at the home game this weekend. And I’m pretty sure he’s the only non-student who has a job in the campus bookstore,” said Chirinos. “Geleski has been ridiculing Carpenter’s post-high school descent for years. He used to track the guy on Facebook, so when he had that career-ending knee injury, Cole threw a party. And then another when he got hooked on the painkillers. And I think we all got an email blast a few years ago when the guy got divorced.”

According to Aimee Martin, Associate Director of Alumni Relations at Pennsylvania State University, there are a great number of people like Geleski who peak in college.

“We have many alumni who hate high school, but then they reinvent themselves over the summer and have a phenomenal time in college. Then, inevitably, they fail to evolve at all beyond that,” said Martin. “They’re actually some of our most reliable donors. The college experience represents a singular source of meaning and enjoyment in these peoples’ lives, and we take that as a compliment. We’re happy to indulge them as they spend the next several decades making futile efforts to recapture that happiness.”

At press time, Geleski was absolutely devastated to hear that Carpenter had paid off his outstanding debt and was planning on getting re-married.