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Every Person at This Show Except Me Needs a Shower

Can you believe these people? I walk into this show, pay my five dollars, and I’m greeted by a wall of B.O. Have some respect for yourselves! It’s as if every person in the room ran a quick 5k, cooked 3 pounds of onions, and snacked on some mung bean sprouts right before they walked in. How are these people so blissfully unaware? I feel like I’m the only person here who had the decency to shower this month.

Sure, the crust punks have an excuse. Not showering is just part of being a trust fund kid who hates their parents. I’m sorry, I meant their “political views.” But so far I’ve only seen two of them. And while I’m sure under the right circumstances their stench could kill a horse, I seriously doubt they’re solely to blame for the fog of stink I’m currently engulfed in. So what’s everyone else’s excuse, huh? Didn’t have time? Who doesn’t have the 18 seconds needed to take a full shower and brush your teeth?

Whatever happened to deodorant? Too capitalist? It is for me, but I happen to have fragrantless pits. If I were them, I’d be applying whatever didn’t spell like GG Allin’s ball sweat. Because let’s just say this show smells way more legendary than it is.

Okay, I know what you’re thinking right now. Is it possible that I’m the problem? Absolutely not! Just like I’m not the reason every gaming convention, gym locker room, and sewer I go to always smells like death. Now, if those smells are rubbing off on me then maybe I could conceivably smell less than pristine. But that’s what the monthly showers are for!