Ugly Sweater Party Winner Didn’t Realize That Was The Theme

Posted on by Stephen Bell

CANAL WINCHESTER, Ohio — Local man Evan Taylor found himself the unwitting winner of his friend’s ugly Christmas sweater party after wearing a horrendously tacky woolen monstrosity to the event according to sources familiar with the walking crime against fashion.

“I showed up at what I thought was a Christmas party, and everyone was dressed really festive,” said the oblivious Taylor. “Next thing I know they’re passing around pieces of paper asking people to vote on who’s got the worst sweater. Of course I voted for Becky in the plain blue sweater with a snowflake on it, mostly because it looked itchy. But when they tallied up the fishbowl of names, mine was the only other one in there. People were taking selfies with my sweater and laughing all night. My mamaw bought me this. Jerks.”

Party host Emily Vo, also oblivious to how much Taylor loved the sweater he was wearing, could only gush about what a god-awful sweater it was.

“I am pretty consistently anti-police,” said Vo, “But even I would consider calling ATF on that rag he calls a sweater if he wore it somewhere that wasn’t this party. I mean it checks so many boxes: it’s so loose and non-form fitting so he looks like a child trying on his dad’s clothes for the first time. The hanger nipples protruding from his shoulders also did it no favors. Plus the colors are really loud and the reindeer pattern just screams something a kindergarten teacher would wear. And are those hearts at the top? Disgusting.”

Other friends at the party were envious that their own sweaters were not victorious.

“I was out thrifting for like three hours trying to get my hands on something that ugly,” said party attendee Jessica Brown. “I thought for sure my sweater with a picture of Santa Claus and an elf taking a picture together with the word ‘#ELFIE’ on it would win but people found it more funny than ugly. I’m gonna have tinsel and glitter in my lint trap for months, and for nothing.”

At press time Taylor also found himself presenting the worst gift during the white elephant gift exchange without realizing you’re supposed to pick out a crappy present.

This Couple Spends the Holidays Together Even Though He Celebrates Hanukkah and She Celebrates the Purge

Posted on by Ted Pillow

In the two years Tyler Croft and Kayla Duggan have been dating, they’ve already learned one of life’s biggest lessons: true love conquers all. That’s how this couple manages to navigate the holiday season even though Tyler celebrates Hanukkah, the Jewish Festival of Lights, and Kayla celebrates the Purge, the blood-drenched night during which all crimes are legal.

They say opposites attract, and that surely seems to be the case with these two lovebirds. Tyler grew up with many of the hallmarks of a Jewish upbringing – he had a Bar Mitzvah, fasted for Yom Kippur, and regularly attended synagogue. Kayla, on the other hand, was raised in a chaotic, ruleless household whose only familial tradition was the 12-hour-period each year in which they came together to loot local stores, deface public property, and straight-up murder anyone who got in their way.

As you might imagine, these cultural differences can be a lot to handle. But, although they grew up with different customs and beliefs, Tyler and Kayla are now creating their own unique holiday traditions together. She doesn’t mind having his great grandparents’ menorah on display on their mantel, and he’s happy to indulge her by spending one night a year hunting homeless people in the streets with a crossbow.

It’s not always easy keeping the in-laws happy, of course. Tyler’s mother has often questioned if her baby boy is really sure he wants to settle down with a girl whose idea of holiday decorations is mounting a motion-activated flamethrower to the front porch. And Kayla’s parents, although they get along well with Tyler’s family, have been noticeably reluctant to promise not to kill them.

As Tyler and Kayla’s relationship grows, they’ve even started to have serious talks about raising their future children. What values will they teach them? What rituals will they observe? Will they send them to Hebrew school or will they spend their Sundays donning ski masks and practicing armed counter-offensives in an abandoned steel mill?

Surely, this lovestruck couple will figure it all out when the time comes. For now, they’re content to spend the holiday season together, eating latkes, spinning dreidels, and pistol-whipping any motherfucker dumb enough to wander the streets on Purge Night.

Woman Starting to Think Her Minor Threat Beer Koozie is a Bootleg

Posted on by John Danek

RESTON, Va. – Lifelong punk and diehard Dischord Records fan Meredith Jozak questioned the legitimacy of her beloved Minor Threat merch beer koozie after reflecting on the band’s famous anti-booze lyrics, concerned friends reported.

“As I was sipping my DC Brau Pils from this red Minor Threat koozie, I got the feeling that something just wasn’t adding the fuck up here,” recounted Jozak, who purchased the koozie on the street one block away from a Coriky show in 2018. “I started thinking about the song ‘Bottled Violence’ and I realized that those lyrics aren’t glorifying getting shitfaced like I once thought. Then I remembered that Minor Threat is pretty much synonymous with straight edge, which makes this koozie seem pretty silly. I’ll just sort of laugh it off and say it’s a joke if anyone asks about it.”

Merch bootlegger Kevin Rance says Minor Threat merch makes up a lot of his top-selling items.

“All I do is throw one of their logos on crap I order from China and these people go nuts for it. Bottle openers, lighters, condoms, people can’t get enough and I clean up,” said Rance while displaying his most recent items on a sheet in downtown Washington DC. “She also bought a pack of The Teen Idles rolling papers. Like, come on- how thick can you be? Also, I charge like $25 a pop, many times more expensive than the tickets. Ian absolutely hates me, and to be honest? I don’t blame him. I hate myself. Not for the bootlegging, but for many, many other reasons.”

Former Minor Threat and current Coriky frontman Ian Mackaye expressed his thoughts on the continuing efforts of bootleggers.

“I couldn’t really give less of a shit at this point about the boozers and bootleggers who show up to my shows,” proclaimed an apathetic Mackaye. “You wanna poison yourself with alcohol and low-quality band merch? Go right ahead. No skin off my back. I don’t think about these people at all, and if I did I would just feel bad for them. People will probably get lead poisoning from the ink used on those koozies, and you know what? They deserve it.”

Anonymous sources confirmed that Jozak continued to struggle with fraudulent merch practices after purchasing Earth Crisis-branded mail-order steaks.

Review: Propagandhi “Potemkin City Limits”

Posted on by Krissy Howard

Every Sunday, The Hard Times looks back on a classic album from the past. This week we revisit the cock rock staple, “Potemkin City Limits,” by the rock band KISS.

I’m not gonna lie, Halloween is my absolute favorite holiday of the entire year, and I’m still kind of reeling from this most recent one. It’s hard for me to face any kind of non-Halloween reality, and why should I have to? To show up to Christmas and listen to my grandma drone on about her newest cancer or whatever? No thanks! I’m gonna rock and roll all night, party every day, and if I get blocked in the process I’ll just create a new account and view his stories from there. It’s not a fucking crime to be curious.

So what better way to keep the Halloween party going than blasting my favorite song written by the Kings of glam rock themselves, KISS. That’s right, I’m talking ‘bout Potemkin Rock City, bay-beee! Population: ME (and this half-eaten box of Clif bars I found in the back of that weird rack my mom keeps by the garage door)!

This song sounds completely different than I remember it and has way more parts than pretty much any song I’ve ever heard. In fact, if I didn’t know better, which I do, I would say it sounds like 12 songs in one. The guitars start out kind of soft and whispery, then get harder but not in the way where the person playing them can point it up in the air like it’s his dick, which is the best sounding kind of guitar playing.

Also, the subject matter in these lyrics is a little more boring than I remember too. I thought this band was all into singing about getting pussy and driving fast, which is relatable. This long-ass song seems to be about supply chains and land ownership and something called the “iron curtain.” The closest thing to partying on this entire album is about how some girl got the clap from blowing some guy, which actually doesn’t sound rockin’ at all.

It makes me think about how the shame associated with contracting an STI is really due entirely to the stigma that’s attached to it, and our patriarchal society’s expectations of women to remain both chaste and able to pleasure men while their own needs are secondary if even considered for a moment.

Wow, KISS is a fucking really good band, huh?

SCORE: 5/5 so maybe it’ll get back to this girl and the clicks will help her buy some doxycycline or something. God, the healthcare system in this country is fucking shameful.

/**/

Man Absolutely Buzzin’ After Seeing Dog That Looks Like His Dog

Posted on by Daniel Louis

LOS ANGELES — Local animal lover Rav Chandran is “riding a high like never before” after bumping into a dog that was nearly identical to his own while taking an afternoon walk, sources within the family that got multiple phone calls and texts confirmed.

“I usually walk down the bike path to Fletcher, but today I decided to take a detour and go straight to the park, and boy let me tell you — that was a good fuckin’ idea,” said Chandran while gesticulating wildly and pacing around the room. “As soon as I walk up I see this brown and black dog and my head just started spinning. She looked like a slightly smaller version of Scout, but had the same fur pattern and same weird tongue. I was so excited when I got home that I ripped the handle off my fridge and used it to bust a hole in the wall. It was the only way to burn off some of this energy. It’s been six hours and I still feel like I’m walking on a magic rainbow.”

Armando Montoya, the owner of Scout’s doppelganger, was equally excited about seeing a dog that looked so similar to his own.

“At first, it was just Luna and me at the park alone, but then out of nowhere this other dog runs up and I nearly fainted,” said Montoya, still so excited by the encounter that he hasn’t blinked once since the dog’s chance encounter. “I called my wife and told her immediately. Then I started going through every contact on my phone to let them know. I ended up calling my old high school and they said if I called back again they would press charges, but I don’t even care. This was so insane. I wonder if they could be related.”

Professional dog walker Louie Gannon says he often sees dog owners lose their minds when they see a pet that resembles their own.

“I was walking a husky mix and a guy was driving by and he jumped out of his Jeep, which was going around 30 miles per hour, and ran up to us and the dog to get a photo. He was bleeding pretty bad from the fall, but he had so much adrenaline I don’t think he felt it,” said Gannon. “And that was nothing compared to the woman that jumped off a six story balcony because a Yorkie that I walk on Tuesdays and Thursdays slightly resembled her childhood dog. She broke both her legs, but she said it was worth it.”

Chandran’s excitement finally dissipated while watching a syndicated episode of “Law and Order: SVU” where a sexual predator had the same exact name as him.

D.A.R.E. Officer Demoted After Class Ends Without Him Killing Single Teenager

Posted on by Contributor

EASTHAMPTON, Mass. — Local police officer James Kehoe was stripped of his Sergeant rank after his two semesters of D.A.R.E. classes didn’t result in him shooting any teenage students, disgusted police department representatives confirmed.

“I completely understand the decision and I have to respect it. I tried to explain that none of the kids mouthed off enough for me to justify drawing my weapon and using lethal force, but that’s never mattered before so my superiors didn’t want to hear it,” said Officer Kehoe while patrolling the outskirts of Brookside Cemetary. “Sure, I slammed a couple of kids on the floor when they laughed during my presentation on the dangers of cannabis, but in this day and age, that’s just not enough. If I could do it all again I’d make sure I shot half that class… I need to do something to restore the integrity of this department and my colleagues.”

Officer Kehoe’s superiors are unsure about the young patrolman’s future.

“This is disgraceful. As police officers, we have a reputation to uphold. If these high schoolers don’t fear us then they could start running wild. Maybe they start with shoplifting, and then they turn into international art thieves on bathtub crank because they don’t fear the police,” said Captain Steven Coltis. “I’ve already informed the school’s superintendent that we plan on coming in the first day after holiday break and cracking a couple skulls just so we can reassert our dominance. In the meantime, Officer Michael Grady will take over D.A.R.E. instruction. He recently shot four people at the old folks home, and we think he’s ready for this.”

Opponents of the D.A.R.E. program say the curriculum is still flawed and stress that police officers should not be shooting students.

“There is lots of data showing that bringing police officers into schools is bad for students’ well-being and often has the opposite effect when telling them to stay off drugs. Not to mention that armed police officers shooting children should be universally panned, not encouraged,” said community organizer Austin Leary. “I still remember how D.A.R.E. made me feel. The descriptions of the drugs made me curious, I wanted to try them all immediately. I also remember Officer Donner tasing my friend Brandon until his heart stopped because he made a joke about cocaine. The entire police force came to the funeral and stood in the back laughing.”

At press time, Officer Kehoe was demoted once again after an investigation into his wife’s black eye revealed she had actually slipped in the shower.

Opinion: No Gods, No Masters Except for My Full-time Mommy Domme

Posted on by V.F. Thompson

Okay, look, listen up. I know I’m an anarchist, and that means that I reject any and all forms of hierarchy, but that doesn’t extend to my full-time live-in dominatrix. Not only is she a justified hierarchy, but she is the only real authority in my life that I respect. You might say that’s not in line with my theoretical principles, but to that, I say, go read up on Hegelian dialects and Bataille and limit experiences.

When I don’t want to clean the kitchen, it is her hands that whip me into shape and make sure I follow through on my responsibilities. When she makes me kiss her feet it is a symbol of the deepest love and devotion, and exchange of domination and submission that may not make sense to the world outside but which we understand implicitly and completely.

Deleuze and Guattari diagnosed us as living in the age of capitalist schizophrenia, in which our exposure to a multitude of extreme images keeps us locked into a state of permanently split consciousness. Through the gentle but firm direction of my Goddess, I am able to retain my spirit, able to know who I am. I am her plaything, her toy, her good little boy, and she reminds me who I am with every blow from her paddle or kiss from her lips.

Some might argue that to allow one’s domme to brand them permanently on the ass with their initials is antithetical to my position as an anarchist, but that could not be further from the truth. I believe that choosing the firm yet gentle hands which direct you is the ultimate expression of autonomy. I have chosen to be hers, and so I know exactly who I am within the context of the whole. Is that not freedom? Is that not the ultimate expression of self-determination?

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go have hot candle wax poured all over my cock and balls.

Loser Has Extra Ticket if Anyone Interested

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

GRESHAM, Ore. — Local friendless reject Dennis Hagar is looking to give away an extra ticket to tonight’s Classless Few show to anyone willing to “carpool, or meet up at the show or whatever,” confirmed sources more than willing to pay full price for the show.

“Yeah I just kind of threw it out there on Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, Tik Tok, and in a massive group text and email blast. So far I haven’t had any takers,” said Hager after taking a bite of a roast beef sandwich with extra mayo and wiping his mouth with his wrist. “When tickets went on sale I made sure I bought an extra because I thought maybe I’d have a girlfriend to bring or something, but I’ve been in the middle of a pretty brutal eight-year dry spell. I guess that was wishful thinking on my part.”

“I should probably go clean up my car a little bit, I left an entire birthday cake I bought for myself in there and a fuck ton of ants sort of took over the passenger seat,” he added.

Curtis Fletcher worked with Hagar three years ago and says he still regrets accepting a free ticket from the painfully lonely man.

“I had always heard the term ‘there is no such thing as a free lunch’ but didn’t really understand it until Dennis convinced me to see Witches Tit with him back in 2017. He came over to my house five hours early and brought a gallon of warm milk that he just stood drinking and spilling all over my carpet,” said Fletcher. “Then when we got to the show he kept suggesting he buy the same shirts from the band so we could wear them together at the next show we go to.”

Social psychologist Tara West says Hagar’s desperate tactic is common amongst unlikeable weirdos.

“Anytime someone takes to social media to offer up a ticket it’s in your best interest to ignore it. Maybe even block that person and forget you know them. If they had real friends they wouldn’t need to do something so pathetic,” said West. “If you ever do accept a free ticket then you have entered into a contract where you might have to also get dinner with this person, and they are definitely going to suggest you ‘do something over the weekend,’ so just make sure you have a lot of good excuses ready to go.”

One hour before the show, Hagar attempted to sweeten the pot by offering the ticket and an extra $100 to anyone willing to walk in the front door with him.

10 Song Meanings Everyone Gets Wrong

Posted on by Ted Pillow

If you think you know the story behind these hits, think again. Here are 10 songs with misinterpretations that have become common knowledge and true meanings that will completely shock you.

“It Wasn’t Me” by Shaggy

Many assumed Shaggy’s roguish pop smash is about his girlfriend catching him red-handed sleeping with another woman. Close, but no cigar: the song is about Shaggy’s girlfriend catching him red-handed impersonating a police officer.

“Wonderwall” by Oasis

The Gallagher brothers’ inescapable singalong classic is commonly explained as Noel’s ode to then girlfriend Meg Matthews. But, think about it: what the fuck even is a wonderwall? Noel confirmed in a 2009 BBC interview that, in his opinion, the only real wonderwall was the Berlin Wall and the song is all about how much he misses it.

“Wonderful Tonight” by Eric Clapton

Clapton did in fact write this slowdance staple about then girlfriend and future wife Pattie Boyd, but he was actually just being polite because she looked like absolute horseshit that night. Woof.

“Don’t Speak” by No Doubt

Popular opinion claims No Doubt’s biggest hit is about the breakup between lead singer Gwen Stefani and bassist Tony Kanal. However, Stefani has confirmed that the lovelorn song is inspired by the explosion of the Mega Powers, Hulk Hogan and “Macho Man” Randy Savage, at WrestleMania V.

“Angel of Death” by Slayer


The thrash metal stalwarts came under fire for this song, which many accused of Nazi sympathizing and employing Holocaust atrocities for the sake of cheap imagery. Don’t worry – Slayer has repeatedly explained that they’re not Nazis, they’re just really interested in Nazis and enjoy writing songs from the perspective of Nazis. So, uh, it’s all good!

“I’m a Robot, But I’m Sad” by Radiohead

Considered by fans to be the laziest Radiohead song of all time, “I’m a Robot, But I’m Sad” feels like a contrived parody of the band’s most common lyrical themes. But singer Thom Yorke has adamantly defended the song, claiming it was inspired by his “personal hero” and star of the movie “Short Circuit,” Johnny 5.

“Iron Man” by Black Sabbath

Fans have mistakenly assumed for years that Ozzy and company wrote this metal classic about the comic book character of the same name. But, in actuality, the English rockers wrote the song about their dear friend, the South African robot Chappie.

“Dear John” by Taylor Swift

You’ve probably heard that “Dear John” is Swift’s scathing account of her relationship with ex-boyfriend John Mayer, right? Wrong. Swift’s savage takedown is addressed to John Candy, who owed her $450 when he died.

“Break Stuff” by Limp Bizkit


Many critics see “Break Stuff” as a rejection of America’s increasingly short-sided, transactional foreign diplomacy approach in the Middle East. However, frontman Fred Durst recently admitted that it’s just about one of those days when you don’t want to wake up because everything is fucked and everybody sucks.

“Helter Skelter” by The Beatles

Interpretations of this low-fi Beatles rocker have been long influenced by Charles Manson’s mistaken belief that it predicted an impending race war between whites and blacks. However, Paul McCartney has always maintained that the song simply predicts an impending race war in which everyone teams up against the Greeks.

Hallmark Channel Debuts “A Pop Punk Christmas,” in Which Frontman Returns to Hated Hometown and Finds Love at Local High School

Posted on by Tim Sheard

NEW YORK — The Hallmark Channel is branching out into new creative territory this year with the addition of a coming of age story about love and loss titled “A Pop Punk Christmas” to its holiday movie lineup, excited company executives confirmed.

“Let’s face it, we’ve been in a creative rut lately,” said Tanner McAdams, Hallmark Channel’s director of programming. “We’ve done the same plotlines to death. The handsome suitor is secretly a prince, the workaholic protagonist reconnects with her high school sweetheart. We wanted to tell a different, more authentic story this year, and what’s more authentic than punk rock? ‘A Pop Punk Christmas’ follows a disaffected lead singer who finds the Christmas spirit, and love, in the last place he’d ever expect: Holidaysburg, the suburban hometown he couldn’t move away from soon enough. Think ‘Miracle on 34th Street’ meets ‘New Found Glory’’ meets ‘Lolita.’”

The film stars Dean Cain as 28-year-old frontman Kyle Haskins of the band Hidden Kingdom, opposite Lacey Chabert as junior varsity field hockey captain Kayleigh Allen.

“Let’s just say Christmas isn’t really Kyle’s thing,” said Cain. “But on a visit home to reconnect with his divorced parents, he realizes the people he remembered as soulless suburbanites are way more authentic than his fake friends in the music industry. This is encapsulated in the character of Kayleigh, who he shares a meet cute with when they both reach for the same eyeliner at Claire’s. The incomparable Stephen Tobolowsky gives a star turn as the Scrooge-like principal who tries to stand in the way of true love, but I get the better of him by crashing the school’s battle of the bands disguised as Santa to skirt a restraining order.”

So far, the film has been universally panned by critics.

“For years, I’ve crapped on Hallmark movies for their derivative plots and saccharine sentimentality,” said Kate Aguilar, film critic at the St. Louis Post-Dispatch. “But somehow this is worse. Much, much worse. You’d think Hallmark would have realized something was amiss when Cain prepared for his role by touring with Brand New and studying up on Megan’s Law. For the love of God, please get back to your roots and stick with the cheesy, milquetoast movie formula.”

At press time, Hallmark executives have announced they will be releasing an accompanying soundtrack featuring original “punk Christmas” songs such as “Merry Christmas (Piss Off)” and “Mature for Your Age.”