Liberal Voter Signs Petition to Build More Affordable Housing Two Towns Over, Maybe Three

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

NORWELL, Mass. — Lifelong Democrat and self-proclaimed liberal activist Andy O’Hare added his name to a petition to build more affordable housing while clarifying the construction would take place miles from his home, confirmed sources close to the situation.

“I’m very aware of my privilege and I know I’ve been blessed. Making sure the less fortunate have a safe place to live is a priority of mine,” said O’Hare. “I just need to make sure that my own property value doesn’t go down in the process. Not to mention the tax hit. Everyone deserves a fair shake here, and I think the government needs to step up and provide for these people, but the government should also know that my town isn’t a great spot for this project. I can’t even imagine how much my insurance rates would go up if we let those beautiful souls move into town.”

Community activists say supposedly “liberal” voters are the biggest impediment to getting new affordable housing built.

“We have been stationed outside of every Star Market and Stop and Shop on the South Shore collecting signatures and we always get such a warm response until people realize that construction might happen within 10 miles of their home,” said advocate Terry Palmieri. “I’ve had people spit on me, throw my clipboard into the trash, and threaten to have me arrested ‘for communism’ and then I see them drive off and they have Bernie Sanders bumper sticker on their car.”

Local far-left organizers were not surprised by this revelation.

“We see this all the time. I’ve known so many people that fought for a massive redistribution of wealth for two years when they were kind of broke in college, then they got a programming job at HubSpot and started calling the cops on people running needle exchanges,” said Amari Liston. “But those same people still quote Fred Hampton in their Instagram posts every time a Republican does something they don’t like. Just a few weeks ago I tried to contact a couple old friends to help me with a food drive for the unhoused near Fogg Park and they had their lawyer send me a cease and desist letter saying ‘they don’t want to encourage a seedy element in their community.’”

At press time, O’Hare enthusiastically signed another petition to open up a third Panera Bread in town.

Why I Decided to Toilet Train My Kitten and Litter Box Train My Toddler

Posted on by Alice Lahoda

Parenting is a lifelong journey, and every day brings new challenges. I just try to do what’s best for my babies. Sure, I made some unconventional decisions — not every parent toilet trains their kitten and litter box trains their toddler. But everyone thinks they know how they’ll raise their little ones until they adopt a kitten from PetSmart, and all their best laid plans go to shit.

Look, I never thought I’d be THAT parent. I laughed with the rest of you when cat moms bragged about how they trained their precious fur babies to drop a post-Chunky Chick’n Liver D’Light deuce in the big boy toilet by the early age of 22 months. But then my little bundle of fur and fangs looked up at me for the first time, and in my heart I knew I could never force Mr. Greggory McFluffington to defecate in a box of dusty pebbles like some common house cat.

Greggory was a natural on the toilet. Every poop landed perfectly in the water pooled at the bottom of his porcelain throne. His father and I were so proud, and we knew it was time to add another little one to our family.

A year later, I gave birth to our human son, Greggory. It occurred to me that since the unconventional parenting methods we used for feline-Greggory worked so well, maybe I should look into alternative options for human-Greggory as well.

I did my research and discovered that litter box training is actually the best option for human-Greggory. It turns out squatting is the healthiest way for humans to poop! That’s just science. Also, by the time human-Greggory was old enough to be potty trained, there was no available bathroom where he could do his business (feline-Greggory is territorial), but there was an unused litter box in the closet.

Look, what it comes down to is, when feline-Greggory decides that something is his, it’s best to just let him have it. I’ve got plenty of scars that can attest to that. Even my husband and I have a hard time getting toilet time without a little blood being drawn, and I just don’t think human-Greggory is ready for that. It’s just better this way.

So here they are: a cat pooping in a human toilet and a toddler pooping in a box of dusty odor-absorbing pellets, just as God intended. And if anyone’s worried that I’m setting human-Greggory up to fail in the real world, he’s a smart kid. I’m positive he’ll teach himself to poop in a human toilet in his preschool’s bathroom, provided that the preschool’s bathroom is not also the claimed domain of an extremely aggressive feline.

High School Band Teacher Keeping Fact He Used to Play Trumpet for ‘No Doubt’ in Back Pocket Until He Really Needs It

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

LAKE FOREST, Calif. — Local high school band teacher Kurt Hill has yet to reveal to his students that he played trumpet for the band No Doubt for a brief stint in 1991, sources in the faculty lounge report.

“Gwen [Stefani] is still a pretty high profile figure and these kids know who she is, even if they don’t know she once fronted a ska band,” Hill said while preparing to conduct the orchestra for a performance of Brigadoon. “I am going to hold onto the fact that I knew her back in the day until I really lose control of the classroom or need to garner some cred with a particularly unruly student. Unfortunately, I don’t think they will care that I was in The Aquabats for literally a decade, so unless Stefani gets canceled between now and next May I’ve got a hefty little piece of leverage just waiting to be used.”

Hill’s students are aware that he is holding back something, but don’t particularly care to find out what it is.

“He keeps saying really random phrases like when we are talking too much he just says, ‘don’t speak,’ and then giggles to himself,” said high school Junior and orchestra violinist Colleen Morales. “When I made first chair he told me it wasn’t because I’m, ‘just a girl,’ and when I told him I was going to miss practice because my aunt died he just said, ‘no doubt,’ which just seemed really insensitive. I’m sure it all means something but I really don’t care.”

Professionals in the realm of academia believe it would be best for Hill to just have it be known right away.

“Commanding the respect of a group of teens is near impossible. Try too hard and they’ll control you forever. He’d be best to just say it as casually as possible, like he wasn’t trying to impress them,” Secondary education professor Dr. Albert Barton, PhD explained. “He is building this up too much and Stefani is already fifty-two, she doesn’t pull the kind of teenage idolisation she did 20 years ago. If it wasn’t for her romance with Blake Shelton, telling a teen you once knew her would go about as far as saying you knew Jessica Simpson or Mandy Moore. You’re just digging your own grave.”

Hill had still yet to use his wild card, however, during a recent outburst from resident class clown Ryan Cook, opted instead to tell the class about the time he saw “Macho Man” Randy Savage at the Dallas/Ft. Worth airport, which only made things worse.

5 Punk Albums Perfect for Reminding You How You Used To Stand For Something

Posted on by Eric Navarro

Remember when you first discovered punk? We sure do. You were between the ages of thirteen and sixteen and full of fire and ambition. You wanted to eat the rich, kill whitey, and burn our societal institutions to the ground. You thought you would spend your entire life dedicated to fighting worthy causes, fueled by punk motherfucking rock. Anyway, teenagers are dumb. You have a job and a kid now so the most you can do is listen to some old records and remember the days of your youth when you actually stood for something.

Fortunately, we’re here to give you the same revealing existential crisis! Here are 5 quintessential punk rock albums to remind you how you used to stand for something before you sold your life for a paycheck:

Dead Kennedys – Fresh Fruit for Rotting Vegetables
“Let’s Lynch the Landlord” used to get you pumped up and ready to throw a brick through a slumlord’s window. But now that you own a few properties of your own, you don’t see why your tenents need all of their leaks fixed. But you can still crank this classic album until one of your rich neighbors calls the cops.

Against Me! – Reinventing Axl Rose
You used to listen to this album over and over back when you stood for something. Back then, you would laugh at danger and break all the rules. Nowadays, you’d call a cop “cool” because he let you off with a warning. For shame.

The Descendents – Cool to Be You
When you first heard this, you thought it was for “pop-punk posers.” Well, now that you’ve caught yourself slipping your daughter’s Disney songs into your “jogging” playlist, we’d say you’re the poser now. No offense. Us too.

Green Day – Kerplunk
This is the one that got you into the whole punk sha-bang. Just kidding, we all know it was “Dookie.” But that’s not important! This one may not be as politically charged as the other albums on this list, but it’s essentially the punk equivalent of your first hit of weed, which was the gateway drug that eventually led you to crack.

Leftover Crack – Mediocre Generica
No Gods, no managers! Fuck world trade! Baby Jesus sliced up in a manger! All of these are album titles from everyone’s favorite C-Squat boys (and Stza) but also they’re things you yelled while getting arrested at the mall in your teens. You may not be as ride or die for the good, the bad, and the Leftover Crack as you used to be, but you can still rock the 40 oz. and give this one a nostalgic spin.

Historians Now Confident Jesus Also Turned Water Into Strawberry Coconut Hard Seltzer

Posted on by Brandon Talley

JERUSALEM — Biblical scholars were stunned by a newly discovered set of ancient scrolls that suggests Jesus not only turned water into wine, but also strawberry coconut flavored hard seltzer, impossibly refreshed historians confirmed.

“We were never expecting to find this,” said archaeologist Donald Wilson. “But there we were, translating a long lost scripture we find on clay tablets deep inside a previously sealed off cave, with Jesus saying, ‘Sometimes beer seemeth too heavy, but wine doth not seem quite right either. So behold, for I have turneth water into a sparkling hard beverage of the sickest berry in all of creation, the likes of which will remind all of a tropical vacation in hell.’ We had no idea that people were enjoying lightly carbonated beverages that also pack a punch that far back.”

“There was also evidence that strawberry coconut was just one of the inventive flavors,” Wilson added. “One scroll mentioned a Pomegranate Grape blend, and another showed evidence of what I assume was a far less popular flavor; Wild Fig Olive.”

Christians across the globe had strong feelings about Jesus’ supposed drink of choice.

“There’s no way in hell Jesus drank wussy seltzers when everybody knows he would’ve been pounding a nice fat can of Natty Ice!” said Garth Robertson, Christian, American, and self-appointed female body inspector. “Clearly Jesus wasn’t some fancy pants wine drinker, that sat around discussing art or some bullshit. The guy was out there getting wasted, flipping tables, fooling around with Mary on the reg, and being an all-around badass. I’ll be damned if I’m going to sit here and let liberal California tell me what a true American like Jesus would have drank.”

However, religious leaders are reiterating that this new discovery doesn’t change their understanding of the bible, Jesus, and the sacrifice he made.

“Like, I always knew Jesus was my homeboy, but this just proves it,” said alternative youth pastor Kevin Ames. “Knowing that Jesus gave up those crisp Cucumber Peach Hard Seltzers actually underlines the sacrifice that he made. The only thing that this changes, is that I now need to tattoo a can of hard seltzer on my left forearm right next to the flaming ten commandments. Praise Him.”

At press time, the Vatican was looking into adjusting church doctrine and mandating the use of Habanero Piña Colada Hard Seltzer instead of wine for communion.

Opinion: No Fucking Way The My Chemical Romance Singer’s Father Said All That Shit to Him at A Parade

Posted on by Stephen Bell

Does the My Chemical Romance singer think I’m stupid? He clearly must think I’m a big fucking joke if he assumes I’m dumb enough to take the song “Welcome to the Black Parade” at face value. Claiming this is a realistic ballad is total bullshit and I’m gonna prove it. There’s no Gerard-damn way the My Chemical Romance singer’s dad said all that shit to him at a parade. Let’s examine the evidence.

First off, are we to believe that the My Chemical Romance singer’s father was always speaking in depressing rhymes like an emo Tom Bombadil? I’m just saying it’s a little suspicious that his dad speaks in straight prose with a consistent emphasis on rhyming every third sentence.

Secondly, how the hell would the My Chemical Romance singer even know what his dad was talking about? He was a kid at the time! If my dad sat me down after baseball practice and started talking nonsense about me growing up to be the “savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned,” I would have been very confused. I’d also have a few questions. Chief among them, why the hell is this my responsibility? I bet Pete Wentz’s dad never put that kind of pressure on him.

Honestly, the lyrics of this song come off like one of those fake stories on Reddit where an attention-seeking parent claims their kid said some profound shit like, “I’m not sad my dog died. I was just happy to have known him.” Even if that story is actually true, your kid sounds like a psycho who can’t form meaningful attachments. Enjoy your upvotes.

I’m onto you, My Chemical Romance singer. Your story is bullshit. See, my dad also took me to see a marching band when I was a kid. But all he said to me was “this sucks, hand me another beer from the cooler,” because that’s how dads actually talk.

Mouthful of Siphoned Gas Closest Thing Touring Musician Has Had to Natural Food in Weeks

Posted on by Peter Woods

LEXINGTON, Ky. — Local musician Teddie Hutchinson broke his 23-day streak of avoiding anything resembling a natural food when he accidentally ingested a mouthful of gas he was trying to siphon out of a Mazda 3 in a Walmart parking lot, sources wishing they could offer him some gum confirmed

“I’ve been subsisting on mostly stale Oreos and off-brand skittles this entire tour. I didn’t realize how bad things were until after sucking that gas down,” said Hutchinson, drummer for post-punk band Victim of Duty. “Because right now I feel incredible! I actually feel well-rested for the first time on this entire tour and I barely feel hungover from that twelve-pack of Buzzballs I downed last night. Hell, I can barely even feel the salvia I did last night. It’s a relief to know that I don’t really need fruits or vegetables, one big cup of gas seems to do the trick.”

According to the other members of his band, Hutchinson’s diet has declined rapidly since the start of the tour and has left the other musicians feeling nauseous themselves.

“Dude talked a big game at the beginning of the tour, saying he was going to be all healthy,” said guitarist Shanon Rider. “But by day three he was replacing meals with cigarettes, I actually saw him eat two full cigarettes around dinnertime. And that was the last time I saw him eat anything resembling a vegetable. Since then, it’s been Combos, off-brand Cheetos puffs, gas station Taquitos, a tub of Frosting-like stuff he found in a dumpster, something that he claimed ‘looked enough’ like cotton candy in the basement we played in Toledo, and who knows what else.”

Following reports of Hutchinson’s diet, nutritionists from across the country have sounded the alarm but also responded with intrigue.

“Please don’t do this. Gasoline is by no means a safe liquid to ingest and should not be treated like some sort of protein shake. He should absolutely be dead at this point,” said nutritionist and dietician Dr. Jayden Sappington. “The fact that he is still breathing also raises a really important question: how is he still alive? The leading theory is that whatever bacteria or virus in his system that was growing from the things he was eating may have been killed by the gasoline. But we will only know if we can study him further.”

According to band members, Hutchinson has repeatedly derailed the tour by asking to visit specific gas stations so he can “finally try diesel.”

When the Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future Show Up This Year, I Think They’ll Find My Boobytraps Armed and Ready

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

Oh no! Those awful specters are back, ready to teach me a supernatural lesson of redemption, just in time for the holidays! Well, even though I’m stuck home alone after alienating all my friends and family with my miserly ways for decades, I’m not gonna let these ghosts get me! When those Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future try to get in my mansion this year, I think they’re going to find that my boobytraps are armed and ready for them!

When the ghost of my old business partner showed up to warn me, it was all I could do to not hold my hands up to my face and scream. But now that I know what I’m up against, no benevolent spirit is going to remind me of all the hopes and joys of my youthful self and entreat me to remember the ultimately warm and gentle heart of humanity. Nope, when that Ghost of Christmas Present shows up to my cold, four-post canopy bed and pulls aside the curtain, BAM! Heavy, dripping paint can is gonna smack that ghost right in his dumb ghostly face!

One down!

And while Past is being dispatched, I bet the Ghost of Christmas Present will be casing the joint. I can just see that jolly, holly-crowned giant in his splendid evergreen coat, slipping like a jerk on the front steps I carefully poured water on to make them dangerously slippery! And when he finally makes his way up the steps to my front door and grabs the doorknob, guess what, Ghost-ass? Burning hot doorknob! Gotcha!

Yes! Fist-pump!

Finally, we’ve got the most dangerous of all: the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come. Given that he’s the literal embodiment of all future events, up to and including my death as a miserable, lonely old man, he’s going to be hard to trick. Even after I rig a kind of primitive, hand-cranked circular fan to blow the finest goose feathers over his dusky shroud, which will already have been coated in glue from the finest horses, he’ll still be coming after me. And after the nail I made him step on, tripwire and Buzz’s tarantula, he’s going to be so mad, he’ll be ready to bite my fingers off!

Little does he know I’ll already have my pathetic clerk, Bob, ready with a snow-shovel to knock him on his bony ass! Take that, cautionary tale! Not this house, not this year!

And then, off to New York City, to do the exact same thing, but in a fancy hotel!

Also, must remember to dock Bob’s wages for being out of the office on company time. Humbug!

Twitter Activist Would Use Time Machine to Cancel Hitler

Posted on by Goodrich Gevaart

SEATTLE — Self-proclaimed Twitter activist Rachel Morrow claimed that if they had access to a functioning time machine they would use it to travel back 1933 and use their platform to cancel Adolf Hitler, sources rolling their eyes confirmed.

“I’ve read up on a lot of history and that piece of shit Hitler was only able to rise to power because nobody was brave enough to call him out on all his whack racism and antisemitism. I would travel back to the 1930s and put him on blast,” said Morrow who runs the @racistsayswhat Twitter account, while never once looking up from her phone. “I’d have no problem doxxing Hitler and anyone associated with him! Get some RT’s from @shaunking and @deray and Goebbels and Mussolini would be shaking in their stylish fascist boots!”

Some members of Morrow’s real-life social scene are less than impressed by their obsession with social media and wish their online activism would match with their offline behavior.

“I’m not surprised that Rachel thinks about everything, even historical events through the lens of social media,” says friend Sarah Nelson. “Rachel used to go out and see shows all the time but ever since their tweets about a guy who works at WaWa posting racist stuff on Facebook went viral, they are always at home on their phone. And like, when their brother got outed as a total creep, they didn’t say anything. They just did the thing where they post about how they need some time to process and then went back to posting about racists who work at Jimmy John’s.”

Historians are quick to note that even if there was a functioning time machine, American public opinion about the German Nazis was not very negative until after Pearl Harbor.

“First of all, there was no internet in the 1930s & 40s. It’s alarming how often I have to tell young people this,” said Bennet Givens, Director of German Studies at Essex Community College, Newark. “And even if there were, Americans didn’t hate Nazis until well after the United States joined the war. If Twitter were around back then this person’s tweets about how they were from the future and Hitler is the worst would get no retweets. Without that dopamine hit they would feel completely defeated and might even start tweeting some vile stuff just to get a few likes.”

At press time, Morrow was designing an infographic for Instagram entitled “Marie Curie was Apparently a TERF: Do We Need Radioactivity?”

Where Are They Now? My Dad, Stepdad, and My Mom’s Boyfriend

Posted on by Heather Cook

Do you ever wonder what happened to these disappointing heartthrobs that left my mom high and dry in the early 90s? I sure do! I can go years without even remembering their names, and then suddenly I think, where are they now?

Seriously, if you know where my dad, stepdad, or mom’s boyfriend are, please tell me. I haven’t seen my dad since he said he was going to check out a used Fender from Craigslist when I was five years old and never came home.

Let’s take a look at the famous men in my life who have kept a low profile ever since they let their fear of commitment and responsibility get the better of them.

My Dad
Remember this old brute? I don’t! He didn’t stick around long enough for me to remember what he looks like, but you might recognize him for holding the county-wide record for starting the most bar fights at Schileen’s Pub in New Jersey. Who would have thought this local legend would go on to leave his family after he blew his life savings trying to start his own pyramid scheme. I wish I could tell you where he is now, but your guess is as good as my mom’s.

Stepdad
What a blast from the past! My stepdad, Ricky Oakland, was last seen speeding through several red lights on a drunk driving bender. Some people would call this a felony, but for ole Ricky, it was just another Tuesday. So, what hot new project is this bad boy working on today? Rumor has it, he is trying to get his gun license so he can waste time shooting PBR cans in his backyard instead of applying for jobs. Classic Ricky. Hopefully, his next project involves him getting his arse back here to sign the divorce papers!

My Mom’s Boyfriend
Let’s take a trip down memory lane and see what my mom’s cheating boyfriend is up to now. According to our sources, AKA his only friend “Big Frankie,” my mom’s boyfriend has run off with a sugar mama that he met on Ashley Madison. Pretty ironic considering how often he used to lecture me about how the society we live in no longer has any moral values. If you see this man, can you please tell him to return the $1,200 he “borrowed” from my mom? Thanks!