LAS VEGAS — Poison singer Bret Michaels is reportedly still living on the bus where he unsuccessfully tried to find love more than a decade ago when “Rock of Love Bus” initially aired on VH1, confirmed bummed out network sources trying to sell the vehicle.
“He comes in every few days to fill his tank and ramble on about how Bush did 9/11 and a bunch of other nonsense,” said gas station clerk Andrew Sanchez. “The dude still thinks it’s 2006. Last week he told me he was driving to Iraq so he could kill Saddam, but I always see the bus parked in the vacant lot behind the abandoned Hustler Club. He always tries to give me a tour of the bus, but I can tell the insides smell awful. I caught a whiff of it once and it just smells like chemical burns and wet leather boots.”
“I’ve also seen him drink cups of gas for money. The dude can down a whole glass of unleaded without even chasing it,” he added. “Give it a month and he’ll be able to do shots of diesel.”
Local bus mechanic Mario Palmer commented on Michaels’ supposed living situation.
“I figured the guy would have stacked of cash, but I don’t think he’s changed bandanas since the show aired,” said Palmer. “He always tries to get me to work on the bus for free by giving me ‘private concerts’ which is usually him whisper singing ‘Talk Dirty to Me’ while I walk to my car. The one time I did some work on it I found the exhaust pipe was filled with his hair, at least I hope it was his hair. The inside was worse, stuff was thrown everywhere: condoms, beer cans, a few dildos for some reason. The sink is filled with old ‘Girls Gone Wild’ tapes on VHS that looked like someone tried lighting on fire.”
While those around him may be concerned for his well-being, Michaels believes he’s doing just fine.
“I’m thriving,” he said while chewing on a broken guitar string. “Nobody ever asked for the bus back, and it’s big enough to fit all my cowboy hats. I’m doing better than I ever have. You know who you should be worried about is Paris Hilton. I heard she killed Caylee Anthony. I actually have the proof she did it, but the cops in this bullshit town are too scared by the truth.”
According to Michaels, his next EP, “Talk Dirty Car Seats to Me,” will be released sometime before the 2008 election.