WASHINGTON — U.S. Marshals discovered a mysterious package outside of the Supreme Court which was later revealed to be an Edible Arrangement sent from Taliban officials who admire the court’s recent decisions, law enforcement officials confirmed.
“There hasn’t been much action around here lately,” said Officer Jacob Inverness. “I saw a package near the top of the steps that seemed suspicious. It had some Arabic markings and I thought it could be some sort of bomb. But boy was I wrong, there was a postcard attached with a smiley face and a typed note that said ‘keep up the great work, you’re doing more than we ever could possibly hope for – The Taliban.’ It was a really nice note and I’m sure the justices are going to be happy to see the support from abroad.”
Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas quickly made his way back to the courthouse to investigate the package when he heard it had arrived.
“I’ve been an admirer of the Taliban and their system of governance for years. I’m just so happy that I can now consider myself a peer. And they really knocked it out of the park with this gift. They didn’t waste time with any crappy fruits, it’s all cupcakes and candy,” said the Associate Justice while hiding the treats in his desk. “If the Taliban thought this last court session was impressive, just wait until they see what me and the crew have in store for the next session. I’ll give you a hint; if you’re a woman you might want to sell your car now because you won’t be allowed to drive it by this time next year.”
Noted Supreme Court historian Lydia Chalmers says this is not the first time the court has curried favor with maligned groups.
“In the case of Buck v. Bell the justices ruled that it was lawful to sterilize inmates at public institutions,” said Chalmers. “This caught the attention of a young man named Adolph Hitler who was trying to make a name for himself within the German government. Hitler loved the idea of eugenics so much that he actually made it a key component of the Nazi agenda. And it was all an idea started in America and affirmed by the highest court in the land. Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr. even hung the painting Hitler made for him in his office.”
At press time, the court mailroom was overrun with thank you cards from far-right personalities like KKK Grand Wizard David Duke to exiled leaders from the Khmer Rouge.