NEW YORK — Local woman Francisca Noguera asked her abusive partner of five months if he could extend his grooming habits to include his hygiene, reports show.
“I wouldn’t mind the psychological torment so much if he didn’t make the whole room smell like Doritos every time he took his shoes off,” said Francisca Noguera, referring to her boyfriend, Ray Tennyson. “The gaslighting and empty promises are one thing, but if you insist on isolating me from my friends and family, can you at least stop leaving piss bottles in the bed? I feel like I’m not asking too much, but then again, I am an ungrateful bitch who’s lucky to have someone like him in my life.”
Noguera and Tennyson moved in together after only two weeks of meeting through mutual acquaintances who jokingly told her to “run” and “stay away from that psychopath.”
“I don’t care what anyone says, he’s an amazing boyfriend,” said Ashley Moore, Tennyson’s other girlfriend. “I don’t consider myself a home wrecker because Ray says we’re soulmates, and he even promised me an all-expenses-paid trip to Punta Cana. I never imagined my soulmate wouldn’t know how to wipe his ass properly, or that he’d give me an antibiotic-resistant form of athlete’s foot, but the universe works in mysterious ways.”
After dating a string of “crazy” and “abusive” women, unlucky-in-love Tennyson believes he’s finally found a true partner in Noguera.
“She’s the happiest she’s ever been in her life,” said Tennyson, picking at his teeth with the edge of a MetroCard. “And anyone who says otherwise isn’t allowed to talk to her. Her birthday is coming up, so maybe I’ll do something special like take a shower or trim that one sharp toenail she says always scrapes her when we’re in bed. I’ll probably just end up sabotaging whatever she has planned and make the whole day about me, but who knows. I’m unpredictable, and that’s what’s painfully kind of fun about this.”
At press time, it appeared Tennyson had succumbed to a blood infection caused by severe tooth decay, according to the grossed-out coroner.