Best Part Of Show Was Standing Around Beforehand

Posted on by Anna Walsh

CHICAGO — Standing against the wall, milling about, or looking around while waiting for acts to play is considered the favorite part of shows at local venue Violet Cat, multiple irritated audience members reported.

“I actually attended this show alone, so even though all I did before the music started was stare at my phone, make four trips to the bathroom, and gaze around awkwardly, I still found that more enjoyable than the band’s performance,” audience member Lily Fox explained through stressed puffs of her after-show cigarette. “Between the barely audible pre-show music and constant shuffling to let someone get past, I was having a wonderful time. But it all went downhill once the opener came on, until they finally stopped and I could stand around again.”

Local showgoer Greg Caballero provided some background on why he prefers the non-music parts of shows.

“I was kind of excited for the show, but was definitely the most relaxed in the 25 minutes between arriving at the venue and the band coming on. I overestimated how much I would enjoy a band whose bass amp was three times louder than anything else plugged in,” Caballero stated. “When the show started my beer was flung from my hand and I was immediately at eye level with some guy’s hairy gut. I’d be happy to pay the full price of this ticket to just stand around, drink, and shoot the shit with my friends without a band interrupting. Someone should invent something like that.”

Members of headlining band Judy’s Kiss seemed to sense the standing-positive atmosphere.

“We were feeling really good before coming on, the crowd sounded boisterous and gleeful from backstage. But when we came on and even the clapping sounded lackluster. It was like as soon as they had to move their bodies they were pissed off,” bassist Johnny Burns lamented while carrying his obscenely large amp to the van. “I guess we just need to improve the sound. I keep telling the band we could stand to get a little louder.”

At press time, Violet Cat staff were having trouble getting a sizable crowd wandering aimlessly around the venue to leave.

nation’s capital letters lowered in honor of bell hooks

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

washington — in honor of legendary author, academic and activist bell hooks, president biden has declared that all capital letters in the united states be lowered following her passing earlier today.

“hooks’ works like ‘ain’t i a woman?’ and ‘feminist theory: from margin to center,’ are considered foundational texts of intersectional feminism,” said white house press secretary jen psaki in a mournful briefing. “but she was also a pioneer in unorthodox and humble use of lowercase lettering, which will almost certainly be her most lasting impact in the world, at least according to most of you. today we have lost a great, brave spirit, whose work will probably be referenced far more than read, and we honor her legacy by ordering all letter casing be lowered in her memory.”

“additionally, all major social media outlets have been ordered to prioritize the promotion of contextless quotes of her work until further notice,” she added.

as of press time, several members of congress were protesting the move as an overreach of executive power, after instruction by powerful capital letter lobbyists.

Denny’s Smoking Section Last Place Man Felt Truly Alive

Posted on by Joanna McNaney Stein

BUFFALO, N.Y. — Local vending machine technician Jeremy Powell realized while looking through old photographs that “in the smoking section at the Denny’s on Delaware in 1999” was the last place he felt alive.

“I found a photo of me smoking a cig in a booth at Denny’s. It was probably 1997. There was a cup of coffee, a Grand Slam and an ashtray in the middle of the table,” stated Powell. “That picture captured the best moment of my entire life — I had a band, a driver’s license, and I could still fit into my skinny jeans with plenty of room, all the while inhaling and exhaling Camel Lights as I built my own omelet like some kind of god. I don’t think anything has come close to that – not the birth of my own son, or even the time I saw the Goo Goo Dolls guy at Wegmans.”

Powell’s son Henry, reported multiple incidents regarding his father’s fixation prior to finding the photograph.

“Look, my dad is middle-aged, he’s bored, and he’s a fucking weirdo. My mom left a couple months ago, and his obsession with that one song by Lit, and diner booths has gotten way worse,” said the younger Powell. “On the weekend, he’s chain-smoking and bidding on ashtrays from Denny’s on eBay. Half of the basement is filled with ashtrays, so I’ll probably have to go live with my mom soon.”

Longtime Denny’s manager, Robby Jefferies, said Powell hasn’t stopped harassing him since the corporation changed their smoking policy two decades ago.

“At first, he used to do this thing where he’d sit in the former smoking section and light one up after another until someone complained. I’ve kicked him out dozens of times,” stated Jefferies. “Last week, he physically attempted to bring in a cigarette machine on a hand truck. I had no idea they even made those things anymore. This has got to stop, we’re understaffed as it is and don’t need our people taking time out of their busy shifts to remove some sad man who can’t let go of the past.”

At press time, Powell was seen driving South, after learning on Reddit that a few Denny’s locations in eastern Kentucky still allow indoor smoking.

Man Hospitalized Over Shock Drummer Is Woman

Posted on by Aviva Siegel

DES MOINES, Iowa — Local man Dale Harrison was admitted to the ICU at St. Mary’s Hospital last Thursday after discovering that the drummer of a band he’s become a recent fan of is a woman.

“I’ve been listening to Sacred Nectar for a solid four months now and was super stoked to finally see them live,” said Harrison while eating a green jello cup in his hospital room. “I was watching the show and noticed the drummer was super dope. Then I noticed the drummer had really long hair and I was like, ‘Whoa this dude’s hair is long!’ After that, I realized that dude was a chick, and that’s when I fully passed out. I only finally came to when the nurse started yelling ‘Tommy Lee’ over and over, thank God.”

Michael McGuinness, a nurse at St. Mary’s Hospital, went on to explain the medical reasoning behind Harrison’s condition, and how something like this can be avoided in the future.

“Women are smaller and have tiny arms. Meanwhile, men are larger, and have big, strong arms,” explained McGuinness, while pointing at a diagram he clearly made himself. “Measures can be taken to prevent medical emergencies like this from happening. You can look at the liner notes of the album you’re listening to and see if the drummer has a girly-sounding name, or maybe try googling pictures of the band before you see them live in concert. I remember finding out Lenny Kravitz had a female drummer. I’m lucky I found out about the Velvet Underground’s drummer before I heard them or I might not be here talking to you today.”

Lacy Walz, the drummer of Sacred Nectar, spoke on her experience as a female percussionist.

“I mean I’ve been playing drums for over 25 years, and have somehow been shocking people with my drumming for 26 years, so I’m used to it,” said Walz. “One time I had a guy give me pointers on how I was doing drum fills, and then later I found out he’d never even played the drums before. Then again, he probably hadn’t had a woman make eye contact for that long either, so I just let it slide. Whatever.”

Harrison was set to be released from the hospital the following morning, however, he suffered another setback after discovering that the doctor treating him was also, in fact, a woman.

Sorry I Called the Grinch “Anime,” Please Stop Threatening My Family

Posted on by Michael Gursky

Dear vindictive Japanese cartoon watchers,

You know me as the “sack of shit” who referred to The Grinch as “anime” in a now-viral blog post. While I have some to regret this post deeply both personally and professionally, for the sake of my family I must humbly request that cease your highly coordinated retaliation, which has already escalated to an alarming degree.

The Grinch seemed like an anime guy to me. Kind of like a Pokemon or a Dragon Ball Z.. I just assumed because he looked like the anime guys, “How The Grinch Stole Christmas” was an anime. I confidently described him as “a remarkably devious, if not problematic anime villain.” I labeled the movie “A Top 10 Anime.” I went so far as to describe it as “bonkers,” claiming I was “here for it,” the highest endorsements currently being given in film criticism.

The blow-back began almost immediately with Internet user YuYuHakushoQueer, who came out of the box strong with “You pinheaded fuck, The Grinch is not anime. I’ll ensure you and your family wake up everyday in harm’s way.” Minutes later another user, MizzHentaiShawty, posted a Google 360 view of my mother’s apartment with the caption “His Mom’s Crib, do ya thang.”

The threatening remarks piled on, with a few users taking it to the extreme by posting photos of baby carrots and claiming, “These are the author’s penis.” Those were not my penis. From slanderous to dangerous, no heinous comments were off limits for anime fans.

It’s the intimidation of my family members that has crossed moral bounds. The threats via email and snail mail. The bodily fluids on their porches. The multiple incidents of dumping hot hookah coals into my mother’s rhododendrons. It’s all been shamefully too far, and for what it’s worth, this is the sort of holiday destruction The Grinch would have wanted.

I sincerely apologize for calling “How The Grinch Stole Christmas” anime, and for calling The Grinch “one of the best guys in anime.” This is not the half-hearted apology of a man fearing for the life of his family, and the well-being of his mother’s deciduous shrubbery. This is the deeply felt, thought out regret and request for pardon from a media consumer who’s always learning and growing. I made a mistake. Did it warrant targeted harassment and financial extortion? That’s not really my call, but please believe me when I tell you I am cosplaying sincere regret over this error.

Mysterious Old Sea Captain in Corner of Bar Tells Tale of Time He Was In The Decemberists

Posted on by Aidan Sears

ROCKLAND, Maine — A disheveled old sea captain enthralled patrons of the Drunken Algae Tavern last night, telling a harrowing tale of the time he was the electric mandolin player for folk rock band The Decemberists, inebriated and skeptical sources confirm.

“Yar, the sea be the one beast that man shall never tame, where man’s hubris be punished by waves that hear no mercy,” the captain said in a lilting, harmonious voice. “But it can’t compare to the time The Decemberists had our west coast tour in ‘05. Crazy times. And we were really feeling ourselves creatively then. Yar.”

While some bargoers report being enthralled by the sea captain’s story, others claim that they found the amount of traditional and literary references to be a bit overkill.

“I was hanging on every word he was saying,” said amateur fisherman and barfly Charlie Holland. “Perfect storms, men going overboard, that time in Denver when the car rental place was out of big cars so they had to fit seven different string instruments in a Toyota Camry. I don’t know whether it was because of the cold, briny air or the eight Narragansetts I’d had, but it was hard to tell where fact ended and fiction began. My buddy even wondered if the captain was actually a ghost who died on the water and haunted this bar, but he was out-of-his-mind hammered, so I don’t know about that.”

Other bar patrons questioned the sea captain’s veracity, with some believing he wasn’t a fisherman at all, and that his “old-timey sea shanty aesthetic” was just a vibe he liked.

“Look, it’s Maine,” Drunken Algae bartender Ronny Moore said. “We get a lot of guys in here with big beards and thick sweaters and sometimes it’s hard to tell who’s drinking because they’re into craft beer and who’s drinking because the sea took their son. The one thing I know for sure is that I’m not going to play The Decemberists in my bar. Like, come on, dude.”

When reached for additional comment, the sea captain was standing on top of a lighthouse cackling mad at the crashing of the waves while singing excerpts from “The Crane Wife.”

We Asked These Film Buffs What It’s Like Being Insufferable

Posted on by Rob Steinberg

Movies! We all love them. Some people, too much. We searched far and wide for people who love movies more than anything else in the world to learn what it’s like being unbearable to deal with.

“I’m not a film buff. I’m a cinema buff”
– Frederick B., Letterboxd Reviewer

“You get used to it after a while.”
– William K., Projectionist

“It’s okay I guess. By the way, have you ever seen Salo?”
– Stefan D., Unemployed

“It’s actually quite lonely. I wish I knew how to connect to real people but the silver screen does the job. Thanks for making a joke out of my social issues, asshole.”
– Genevive S., Freelance Video Editor

“I work in film making and trust me it is very serious work. I expect people to treat me the same. Do you even know what a C-47 is?”
– Alex C., Trust fund kid

“You got it all wrong. People love movies. Usually when meeting someone new I find myself listing off a bunch of movies I think they should watch like a grocery list. I then wait three years to make sure they’ve seen each one of those movies.”
– Gregg T., Film Critic

“I used to have lots of friends. I left them after they suggested Dusan Makavejev was an inferior Yugoslavian Black Wave Cinema director to Saša Petrović.”
– Sera M., Director

“Film buff? I guess I’m a film buff. I just said I like movies. Are there people who don’t like movies? Do you not like movies? Why can’t people be passionate about something that everybody enjoys anyway?”
– Jon Retiglio., Guy walking out of movie theater

“The 11th rule of dogme 95: never waste your time talking to someone who doesn’t appreciate a film’s fps”
– Colin J., Criterion DVD Collector

“De River will kill you in 1000 different ways, baby bird. Wha was de question?”
– John Voight, Actor

“Its a very powerful feeling. I have the skill to draw the fun out of any conversation by interrupting the conversation with my trivial film facts. For instance, did you know that Robocop actor Peter Weller has a Ph. D. in Italian Renaissance Art History? Or how about this, did you know that in Mel Brook’s movie Dracula: Dead And Loving It, when Harvey Korman says ‘Yes, we have Nosferato’, it is a reference to the 1923 novelty song Yes, We Have No Bananas? By the way, have you seen Dracula: Dead And Loving It? It came out in the 90s and is an okay movie. Not really something I’d recommend but if you want to get the context of what I’m talking about….”
– Jeff, B., Youtube Reviewer

IT Guy Frontman Asks Band to Change Name Every 30 Days

Posted on by Kevin Hufe

CLEVELAND — Local frontman and full-time IT specialist Kirk Lawson alerted members of his band Nuggitzz that they would once again need to change their name for security reasons, frustrated sources confirmed.

“In today’s modern world, keeping things secure is paramount,” said Lawson while running a diagnostics check on every band member’s phone. “Between digitally protecting the tens of dollars we secure through physical album sales and the ever-growing threat of the automatic locks on our drummer Dave’s Hyundai not working, I have come to the conclusion that, for our own safety and well being, ‘Nuggitzz’ was simply not secure enough. I’m not sure why other bands aren’t as safety conscious. Every day that Converge keeps their band name the same is another day that hackers could steal their most sensitive data like new lyrics or riffs.”

Members of the soon to be renamed Nuggitzz, formerly known as The Daily Whistle, Revilitron, and Satisfied Statistic, attribute their lack of success to the constant name changes.

“While I’m grateful that Kirk has all of our best interests at heart, this keeps fucking us over. We played a two-week tour and he forced us to change our name halfway through and it was so confusing that two venues didn’t let us play,” commented bassist Tina Firthdale. “He claims the band names need to be even more complex these days. I mean using capital and lowercase letters is one thing, but now he wants us to use a number and a symbol as well. It’s so bland and boring; bands stopped doing that in the Myspace days.”

“I just got an email saying our name is ‘Southdrive213%’ now. How am I supposed to tell people to follow us on Instagram with a name like that?” she added. “I’ll have to keep it written on a notepad next to my amp just to remember it myself.”

However, information security expert Frank Chaise agreed with Lawson’s approach to band safety.

“I can’t stress enough how much I would recommend changing your band’s name regularly,” said Chaise. “These days, you never know when you are going to log on to your bands page and find that a ska band with a huge following has just given themselves the same moniker. I do consulting for a few death metal bands and all of their names are something involving torture, and a person’s anus. I tell them multiple times a day that they need to be less predictable.

Southdrive213%’s music can be found online under their original name “Password.”

6 Forgotten 60s Folk Albums About How Their Generation Will Never Support Estate Tax Reform

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

Folk music! Are there any more beautiful two words in the English language? In the early 1960s, a resurgent interest in traditional music caused a socio-political awakening in the youth of America. Buoyed by figures like Pete Seeger, Bob Dylan and Woody Guthrie, a new generation of Americans found their voice in the sounds of the past, and embraced its passion for social change. However, lesser-known figures also asserted their views through the medium, and a sub-genre known as “estate tax folk” was born!

The Haymen
Talkin’ Financial Levy:
This Greenwich Village quartet was rightly lauded for their instrumental virtuosity, encyclopedic repertoire of classic blues and folks songs, and thick woolen sweaters. On 1962’s “Talkin’ Financial Levy,” they delved for the first time into original compositions, including numbers like “Leave That Tax Code Be” and “Hush Little Baby (Inheritance Blues).” It did not chart, and the sense of failure caused The Haymen to give up music and their sweaters.

Wanderin’ Bob Robbs
Bob Sings to the Internal Revenue Service
Called “the other Woody Guthrie but less so,” Wanderin’ Bob Robbs released the little-known, often-despised “Bob Sings to the Internal Revenue Service” as part of the ambitious series of politically outspoken Bob Sings… albums. No fewer than seven songs on the album directly address then-Commissioner of the Internal Revenue Mortimer Caplin, eventually devolving into lurid threats. Robbs served a two year prison stint for obscenity, which his friend in the New York scene, Lenny Bruce, called “appropriate.”

Judy DeJudy
For the Children
The “Queen of Judys,” singer Judy DeJudy only released two albums in her sadly-brief recording career. After her own parents died in 1959 in a freak regatta accident, “For the Children” is generally considered to channel her grief and rage over the thought of a percentage of her $7 million inheritance being taxed. With minimal banjo accompaniment, DeJudy vividly describes how any changes to this aspect of the tax code would essentially be destroying the future of all children, ever. She shortly thereafter retired from the music industry to fund political action committees.

The Three Singers
Try to Remember, Congressman
This one was just three unidentified men chanting “Congressman, Congressman/ Reform is unnecessary” over washboards for 37 minutes.

Phil, Phyllis and Henry
One Sixth is Too Much
Press releases for Phil, Phyllis and Henry’s 1965 album “One Sixth is Too Much” described it as “a towering landmark of political expression, set to music.” Unfortunately, critics, the public and eventually the trio’s own ousted manager disagreed and the group sank into obscurity. They had a brief resurgence of popularity when their song “Loophole, Loophole” was featured in a conservative attack ad, but infighting and cocaine broke them up for good.

Draft Dodgin’ Dave
Death is Not the End of Injustice
One of the more enigmatic figures of ‘60s folk, Draft Dodgin’s Dave disappeared from public life in 1966 after witnessing a motor accident. If he is remembered at all, it is for the centerpiece of “Death is Not the End of Injustice,” the meandering, acoustic ballad “My Estate Shall Be Tax-Free.” But he isn’t.

Supportive Friend Tells Emo Band “It Looked Like You Guys Weren’t Having Fun Up There”

Posted on by Dan Rice

HOBOKEN, N.J. — The members of local emo band Featherhoof were reportedly overwhelmed with gratitude when longtime fan and friend David Ketwaller remarked that they looked like they “weren’t having fun up there” immediately following their most recent live performance, melancholic sources confirmed.

“Seriously, that looked like you guys really wanted to get this over with and go rewatch ‘Lost’ or something,” said Ketwaller as the band silently loaded their gear back into the van. “I’m physically drained from watching you guys, I just kept hoping it would be over soon the whole time. The only time any of you even seemed remotely enthused is when Ross (Dolvin) said ‘this is our last song.’ You guys hated that set more than any paying spectator ever could and that is a fucking accomplishment.”

Featherhoof drummer Lisa Banecroft was enthused to hear the band was perceived as a tired, joyless and overall exhausting group of performers.

“Every time some schmuck tells us ‘nice set’ it makes me feel awful, but not awful in a good way. Awful in a bad way. All of our songs are quiet reflections of heartbreak, if you find yourself enjoying them then you have to be some sort of deviant,” said Banecroft. “But Dave is the king of compliments. I was in a doom-noise pop group a few years ago and he told us he could hear our hatred of our rich parents in every note. Dave just gets it.”

Emo expert Emil Truffano says that more bands within the genre are finding solace in their discontentment.

“There are a lot of stereotypes when it comes to being in an emo band, and unfortunately most of those stereotypes are very true. When you take four or five depressed people and tell them to write music about their former lovers, then yeah, it’s going to be sad for everyone,” said Truffano. “If you tell an emo band ‘they killed it,’ or ‘that blew me away’ then they will know you’re lying right away, because the stage presence should exude nothing but sorrowful ennui.”

Members of Featherhoof spent the rest of the night avoiding contact with everyone else at the show and lurking their exes on Instagram.