Man Horrified after Receiving 2021 Pornhub Wrapped

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

SUN VALLEY, Nev. — Local man and occasional masturbator Harrison Weber was disgraced after receiving his “2021 Pornhub Wrapped” late yesterday morning, which outlined all the pornography he “used” over the past 12 months.

“I don’t even have a Pornhub login, I use an incognito window like everyone else, so I figured the email was just a spoof on the Spotify thing. But when I saw that the first slide said ‘YASSS! In February you were really into some cheugy step-cousin depilation porn’ I knew I was in trouble,” explained Weber. “There’s just something extremely unnerving about being told I ‘understood the assignment’ because I was in the top 8% of ‘giantess footjob pov’ fans.”

Girlfriend and fellow porn enthusiast Mckenzie Joseph was particularly shocked by Weber’s preferences.

“Unlike Spotify that gives you the option to share your Wrapped, Pornhub has made the bold choice of automatically sending yours to all your email contacts. Don’t get me wrong, it’s for sure some 1984 shit that all my illicit smut searches were tracked and compiled into a colorful slideshow, but I suppose it’s somewhat comforting to know that everyone is secretly a sick fuck,” said Joseph. “But on a personal level, this has caused significant friction in our relationship. First, the shades of color in Harrison’s ‘porn aura’ was deeply unsettling, I’ll just leave it at that. Second, it’s become clear we have way different wants and needs — he’s a huge fan of ‘milf assjob’ videos, but I prefer ‘mature anal.’ I’m not sure our relationship can overcome such vast differences.”

After receiving hundreds of complaints however, Pornhub was quick to respond to many of the rumors and misinformation.

“Contrary to what you may have heard, Pornhub Wrapped 2021 is not an elaborate extortion scheme to blackmail politicians and world leaders,” said Pornhub’s head of marketing Halle Guzman. “Sure, it is fascinating to know that Trump’s favorite porn search this year was ‘BLONDE DAUGHTER CHANGES DAD DIAPER’ but it’s not like we’re offering to delete his search history in exchange for, I don’t know, 73.2 million dollars. That would be illegal, obviously.”

Not to be outdone, UberEats released its year-end list of “Your Favorite Meals You Didn’t Even Really Want to Order In But What Else Were You Gonna Do, Make a Fuckin’ Lasagna? Yeah Right, You Pathetic Fuck.”

5 Shows You’ll Probably Miss Because You’ll Be Caring for Your Unwanted Baby

Posted on by Dianne Nora

Live shows are back, and the next year is going to be a groundbreaking time for music, for real this time! You’re vaxxed, waxed, and ready to… oh fuck, you missed your period. You know you want to get a safe abortion, but you live in Texas, and the Supreme Court just upheld the state’s ban on abortions after six weeks. What the hell? You didn’t even realize you were pregnant in that timeframe.

Well, shit. This is probably the least of your worries, but here’s our definitive list of the top five shows you’re probably going to miss as you take care of this zygote you never wanted.

‘TID the Season 2021, December 2022
Every Time I Die brought back their very popular ‘TID the Season’ holiday show to Buffalo this weekend, with a lineup of awesome bands and raucous seasonal activities like curling and wrestling, which you couldn’t enjoy anyway, in your condition. Fortunately, you won’t have to put yourself in that position anyway as you’ll be at home writing out budgets and trying to figure out how it’s humanly possible to afford taking care of another human person in just a few month’s time.

Bikini Kill, May 2022
You’ve been anticipating seeing Bikini Kill live for years, but you’ll be too exhausted after work and class to stand, let alone sing along to one of your all-time favorite bands. This tour promises to not only crush but to give fans the sort of empowering, feminist energy you’ve been craving as all your childless female friends grow increasingly distant.

House show at Dead Orchid House, October 2022
You used to practically live at your favorite punk house, but now that you’re a parent, you’re up all night nursing your newborn, not last night’s hangover. As life-affirming as doing whippits on the cushionless couch you guys found on the side of the road would be right now, you live in the state with the sixth-lowest maternal mortality rate, so you’ll need all your energy just to get through this alive.

PonyBoy’s Welcome Home show, January 2023
Your friend’s band planned a triumphant six-month ‘Fuck COVID’ tour, which, unfortunately, got postponed after they ran out of money two weeks in. This fundraiser show was supposed to help them recoup, but even though you’re back at work, you’re still in the red yourself, and your coworker who covered for you three times last month asked if you could take her shift tonight. On the bright side, none of your “going out” clothes fit anyways, and your nipples keep leaking through your bra — but not in a sexy way.

Adele, Vegas Residency, 2037
This might not be totally your vibe, but you promised your mom you’d take her to see her favorite crooner as a thank you for everything she’s done to get you through the past year. Unfortunately, your sitter fell through, and you’re starting to worry your kid likes your mom more than you anyway. At least you’re honoring the family tradition of escalating resentments and accumulated debt!

We Sat Down With a Bottle of Whiskey To Ask “What’s the Fucking Point of It All?”

Posted on by Dan Rice

Interviewing musicians can be insightful, but some questions can only be answered by the bottom of a bottle. We caught up with our old friend Mr. John Barleycorn, AKA whiskey, to contemplate the great mystery of life itself.

Our interview began when my novella was rejected for the third time and all of my friends were too “busy” to hang out. Whiskey showed up looking mature and pristine with it’s trademark ol’ timey font and fancy-looking cellophane-wrapped tight and neat over the cork.

Very quickly into the interview, the cork was out of the bottle and whiskey and I tackled some pretty heavy shit.

The Hard Times: Well, just fuck me then, right?! 
Bottle of Whiskey: (Palpable silence)
Yeah, no, it’s fine. I just… Won’t be a writer! Fiiiiine!
(Silence)
I mean I guess I’ve just been wrong my entire fucking life, no big deal! 
(Silence)
I mean what in the fuck is the point of it all, huh?! What’s it all about?! 

Whiskey remained tight-lipped for some time. About four shots worth if I recall. Eventually, I realized the bottle was more forthcoming if I put my hand up to it in the shape of a mouth and did, like, a voice.

I just think like, it’s all bullshit, you know? Like you get up in the morning, you work hard, and it’s bullshit.
Hey, come on man, you’re just feeling down. You’ll bounce back! 
You’re right, Whiskey. I feel better already! Hey, I bet you I can run straight through that wall into the living room. 
Boy, that sounds dangerous!
Nah fuck it, these are thin walls. I can make it! It’ll be just like a cartoon! 
Hell yeah dude, let’s take some more shots and go for it! 
I got renters insurance, fuck it! 

After doing my best to dress my wounds, whiskey suggested that we would get a better interview if we did it with his on-again-off-again creative partner, cocaine. Unfortunately, we tried every number we could think of and soon accepted that cocaine was nowhere to be found. Whiskey did spend the rest of the interview accompanied by half an edible I forgot I had and some expired Sudafed.

Right, okay, what were we talking about again?
We were trying to decide between calling our ex or getting some pizza on uber eats. 
Right! And why just those two things?
Because you are massively depressed! 
Haha! You’re such an asshole whiskey!
I love you man!
I love you too, let’s get a beer!

Fred Durst Clarifies That Nookie is About Sexual Intercourse

Posted on by Jason VanSlycke

LOS ANGELES — Film director and Limp Bizkit frontman Fred Durst put an end to years of debate by issuing a statement clarifying that the enigmatic, Grammy-nominated hit song “Nookie” is about sexual intercourse.

“I’ve been tight-lipped about the deeper meanings behind a lot of Bizkit songs for nearly two decades because I wanted fans to come to their own conclusions,” said Durst while dusting his collection of Osiris D3s. “I think it’s time to let my fans know what ‘Nookie’ is actually about. I’ve seen message boards claim the song is about home renovation, a regional fast food chain in Florida, and even the disastrous Tonkin Gulf Resolution of 1964. But I wrote that song about the act of sexual intercourse between two people and one of them may or may not be wearing a backwards red NBA baseball cap, not because he’s balding or anything, but just because it looks dope as hell.”

Durst’s bandmates seemed relieved to hear their frontman finally revealing the true meaning behind one of their biggest hits.

“Man, I can’t tell you how long we’ve had to keep this a secret,” said guitarist Wes Borland. “I mean, we didn’t have to sign NDAs or anything but for the artistry of the band, for the mystery of our musical catalogue it just felt right to keep a lid on what our songs are about unless Fred wants to put that information out there. We take a similar approach to Radiohead regarding the inspirations behind our art. I think Fred was inspired to write ‘Nookie’ after reading about sex in a dictionary and then investing in a few pornographic magazines that showed everything, and I mean everything.”

Limp Bizkit lyric theorist Mara Chiscon sees this revelation as the beginning for a new era for fans of the band.

“I think fans will see this as a moment when Limp Bizkit connected their revolutionary endeavors to the longer legacy of traditional rock music,” said Chiscon. “This clarification will be a disappointment to fans who assumed ‘Nookie’ was about our nation’s unending wars in the Middle East. The prevailing theory was that the titular ‘nookie’ represented the drive of nationalism, the unquenched thirst of Manifest Destiny. It turns out it’s just a song about banging and we overthought a lot of things.”

At press time, Durst was in discussions with Penguin Random House to publish a three-volume dissertation detailing his epic poem “Rollin’ (Air Raid Vehicle).”

Marvel Confirms Tobey Maguire Will Be in Spider-Man “No Way Home” But He’ll Be Playing His Character From Seabiscuit

Posted on by Stephen Bell

LOS ANGELES — Tobey Maguire’s highly anticipated return to the Spider-Man franchise is already confusing fans when it was announced that his character will be a reprisal of his role 1930s horse jockey John “Red” Pollard from the movie “Seabiscuit,” Marvel executives confirmed

“We know everyone wanted Tobey to be in the movie,” said director Alan Watts. “And given that this story will feature Spider-Man facing extreme adversity, we thought it would be appropriate to have another classic character who faced adversity. Red Pollard. I mean remember the way he mowed all that grass and rode that horse? Now imagine him riding Seabiscuit into battle to help fight this world’s Doc Ock. Needless to say, fans of both the Marvelverse and the Seabiscuitverse are going to be over the moon.”

Tobey Maguire made his motivations clear when he signed up to play the unusual role.

“I haven’t been in any major films for a while and I kind of need the money,” said Maguire. “I mean I would’ve been down to play Spider-Man again, except the director insisted what we really needed was me on a horse lancing the Green Goblin in the ass as some sort of joke. It’s a little weird considering ‘Seabiscuit’ wasn’t even, like, a horse made for battle but the check cleared so I had no qualms acting that out.”

The decision to have Maguire star as his “Seabiscuit” character led some fans to speculate about what’s actually going on.

“Oh I get it, this is totally going to be some big reveal where it’s actually the work of Mephisto or something,” said longtime Spider-Man fan Kevin Roys. “Yeah that’s it, like it’s a prank or something that Mephisto orchestrated and then we’ll see it’s all an illusion. There’s no way they’d do something that dumb, is there? And why this movie? If they really wanted Seabiscuit then couldn’t they have at least put him in the first Captain America movie? At least it would’ve been possible with Seabiscuit having been alive during World War 2. I’d much rather have seen the horse kicking Hitler in the back of the head instead of the Green Goblin.”

At press time, a leaked ending credits scene showed that Seabiscuit would stumble into Tony Stark’s lab looking for oats only to discover some special horse armor and thus become the new Iron Man.

Forward-Thinking Band Asks Promoter to Rip Them Off in Bitcoin

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

ALBANY, N.Y. — Local metalcore band The Demise of Saturn asked scumbag show promoter Steve “Froggy” Fordham to abandon traditional currency and begin ripping them off via Bitcoin, confirmed sources who can’t believe this might be a possibility.

“We headlined a Halloween show for Froggy that was fucking solid out, at least 450 people paid, and at the end of the night he started telling us that ‘he lost his ass on the show and didn’t have cash.’ We knew this was an opportunity so we had him write ‘300 Satoshis’ and then a bunch of numbers and letters on a piece of paper and called it a night,” said Cosart. “I asked him to explain it all and then he put a gun on his desk and told me to ‘figure it out.’ It felt really good to be on the same page.”

Fordham says he is more than happy to vary his payments to bands.

“Yo, this crypto shit is for real alright? I’m offering bands a real opportunity here. The Fed is fucking bullshit ever since it went off the gold standard and soon U.S. currency won’t be worth the paper it’s printed on,” said Fordham from his dimly lit office. “I’ve already got a digital wallet all set up to pay these bands. They will just need to create a few different accounts on different crypto exchanges and have a 17-character PIN to make it easy for me to transfer the funds. These bands should be thanking me for setting them up for future success, but instead they’re online claiming they’ll light me on fire next time they see me if I don’t pay them their guarantees.”

Promoters from other scenes around the country are already planning to copy the innovative payment practices.

“This guy is playing chess and we are all playing checkers. I thought I was a hot shit when I would Venmo a band and then make a fraud claim two days later and have the payment reversed. I was doing so much extra work,” said Tallahassee-based talent buyer Eddie “Kingpin” O’Leary. “I need to up my game. I need to figure out a way to make bands believe I can make them rich through NFTs or something. The future is looking bright for promoters.”

At press time, Fordham was working with a local programmer to create his own cryptocurrency tentatively called “Frog Bucks.”

We Smoked Pot in New Jersey and the Front Bottoms Sued Us for Copyright Infringement

Posted on by James Knapp

Recently, we took a trek to New Jersey to take in the food, culture, and historic sights of… alright, fine, we admit it! Our girlfriend really likes the movie “Garden State” and we thought it’d be cool to go there and smoke weed. Unfortunately, we appear to have made a grave mistake. Because while New Jersey law clearly states that weed is legal for recreational use, it carries an exception. Apparently smoking weed is fine but if you do so while wearing a sunglasses/beanie combo and then start spouting off half-baked stoner nonsense, you run the risk of getting sued by The Front Bottoms for “stealing their whole shtick” or whatever.

There’s no denying that The Front Bottoms have a particular style. And, honestly, we like it. Or at least we did until Brian Sella slapped us with a restraining order and demanded an undisclosed amount of cash and hash oil, with the added assurance we would never infringe on their artistic territory ever again. Well, according to the best attorney we could afford on TaskRabbit, they have a case. New Jersey law is pretty cut and dry when it comes to Front Bottoms litigation.

Genuinely, it never occurred to us that anyone could possibly own the concept of getting stoned next to a dumpster in the Garden State. We sorta assumed that was the only thing to do there. That’s not an admission of guilt by the way. But we think anyone who’s ever lived in Hoboken understands, right? Also, there’s a lot in this lawsuit about their ex-girlfriends. Frankly, we have no idea how that relates but if anyone reading this knows Beth, let us know so we can get her as a character witness for our side.

We just hope we make it out of this state without further incident. Last night, we thought we’d be fine going to a basement show in New Brunswick. Everything was cool until we shaved our head and tried to save this emo girl we sat next to and now we’re being sued by fucking Lifetime.

Metal Band Actually Rock Band in Costumes

Posted on by Brett McCabe

LINKÖPING, Sweden — Confused audience members were shocked at a recent Forest Floor show when the band, dressed in matching cloaks and heavy eyeshadow, began their set with “Semi-Charmed Life.”

“I don’t get why everyone is so upset. These guys are bringing the house down. They are rocking as hard, if not harder, than Live, Stone Temple Pilots, or even Our Lady Peace,” said local fan Lukas Pettersson while adjusting his Anthrax vest. “Sure, they aren’t as heavy as Godsmack, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t metal as fuck. Next, you are going to try to tell me that Three Days Grace isn’t a metal band. Well, I’m sorry, but last time I checked, every member of that band owns a shirt with a skull on it. That’s pretty metal if you ask me.”

Disgusted showgoer Chrissy Lindström claims she saw right through the band’s façade.

“My boyfriend took me to see Ghost. Very cool show but they sound like the soundtrack to a ‘60s propaganda movie where someone dies after hitting a blunt at a beach party,” said Lindström while finishing her eighth beer. “I honestly don’t even know what these guys are going for. You can clearly see that they are wearing light-colored blue jeans. I think their cloaks are the bathrobes I saw at bed bath and beyond last week, and the smoke machine was working double-time to cover their dad shoes.”

Music historian Miram Alejandra says this phenomenon has led to widespread confusion among “real” metalheads.

“After the success of Judas Priest, the Village People created the leatherman character to bring in more of a metal audience. But as soon as the metalheads heard disco they made their way to the door,” said music Alejandra while flipping through a copy of Alice Cooper’s autobiography. “Nowadays, anyone beating a six-foot drum while wearing a cloak and mask can get booked at Knotfest.”

At press time, venue sources indicate that members of Forest Floor were seen leaving the show loudly singing along to “Uptown Girl.”

10 Cute Holiday Gift Ideas for the Victorian Child Ghosts You See in Your Peripheral Vision at All Times

Posted on by Alicia Hawkes

If you’re anything like me, right about now you’re scrambling to get your holiday shopping done for the legion of Victorian child ghosts that haunt your peripheral vision during all waking hours. Here are 10 cute gift ideas that are sure to please. At least, you hope they will! God, please let this help somehow.

Kinetic Sand

Many Victorian child ghosts in your life might have mood swings caused by the Vapours, and Kinetic sand provides the calming sensory play that soothes them. I’m looking forward to giving this to Lillian, who died in 1881. I met her when I moved into a huge but suspiciously cheap apartment, then found out that the building was once a condemned children’s hospital. She’ll love it!

Paw Patrol Movie Tower

Paw Patrol gifts are big this year, and they’re perfectly suited for Victorian child ghosts who succumbed to Canine Madness, like Ephraim. Playing with friendly dog figurines might allow him to forget the pack of rabid mongrels who attacked and infected him, causing him to foam at the mouth while all the other children pointed and chanted “Mad Dog! Mad Dog!”

Oculus 2

This virtual reality headset provides a nice little vacation from grim reality for a Quinsey-stricken ghost like Calvin. They don’t work for us ghost-seers, though. When I tried them I was overjoyed to find myself swimming in a beautiful eternity pool right on the beach, but then I looked around and saw hundreds of prim and proper dead children floating in the pool with me. VR Fail!

Magna-Tiles

Magna-Tiles are colorful and neat, and can aid spectral kids like Silas with their coordination skills, which is useful when you have Water on the Brain. Silas isn’t just sad about his ghastly death in a barbaric old timey hospital, he’s angry. They all are! They aren’t sure exactly where to direct their anger, so since I’m around they settled on me, I guess.

Barbie’s 2021 Dream House

I think we all know a little girl ghost named Beulah who died of Bad Smells who would love a 2021 Barbie Dream House. I’ll do anything to please Beulah and all her friends so they don’t hurt me!

Star Wars Galactic Snackin’ Grogu

This hungry little guy is an adorable companion for a ghost like Wilbur, providing comfort to him while he deals with the Black Vomit that killed him. And yes, ghosts vomit. ALOT. Even just a two-minute break from the sight of the constant, painful spook puke might help me get the clarity I need to think of an escape plan.

Vtech Kidi Star Karaoke Machine

Your little crooner will have a ball with this Karaoke Machine, even poor ol’ Grover. A little Billious Fever isn’t going to get in the way of him belting out the hits! No one else in my building sees the ghosts. Maybe if I can get Grover and the others  to agonizingly drone into this microphone, they’ll hear it and help me, or at least believe me.

Catan

Ghost siblings like Hazel and Cora and Leopold, who died of Fits, Horrors, and Milk Leg, respectively, will have many great family game nights in store with classic Catan. My therapist doesn’t believe me either. In the end I had to pretend to be kidding so he wouldn’t hospitalize me.

Nintendo Switch

The newest model of the Ninendo Switch is THE hottest gift this year, and Elmer needs all the warmth he can get with that Chin Cough of his. Everyone could be right. It could be a delusion. Honestly, I kind of hope it is because if this is real? Good God.

Disney Princess Dress Up Trunk

What little girl ghost can resist this treasury of princess wear? Certainly not Maime (1891 – 1897, Cause of death: Purples). I got some information about exorcism on the dark web and tonight I make my move. Either I’ll successfully banish the ghosts or they’ll overtake me and draw me into their nightmare realm, where I will be trapped for eternity. So in case I don’t get out of this alive: Happy Holidays!

Jim Perdue Hides Golden Tickets to Tour Slaughterhouse in Five Random Chicken Breasts

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

SALISBURY, Md. — Jim Perdue, the reclusive and quirky chairman of Perdue Farms, hid five golden tickets to tour his slaughterhouse in random chicken breasts throughout grocery stores nationwide, confirmed a company spokesperson that tried to talk him out of it.

“We’ve never opened up our factories to the public. So those lucky enough to uncover one of my golden tickets are in for a real treat,” exclaimed a top-hatted Perdue with a mischievous grin. “There’s the spondiferous boat ride upon Chicken Blood river, the lickable gristle wallpaper, the scrumdittilyumptious condemned meat pits, and for the big closer we’ve got the snozzegolabollator, which is our whimsical name for the scalding and defeathering chamber where the painful cries of the chickens are sure to drive you insane. Plus, every winner will receive a fresh satchel of salted chicken beaks every two weeks for the rest of their lives. Very high in zinc.”

Desiree Marshall, a single mother of two and one of the first people to find a golden ticket, described her reaction to the news as “mixed.”

“To be honest, I wasn’t even aware of the contest, I was just trying to make chicken with mac and cheese on the side for my kids. The idea of touring a slaughterhouse sounds like a nightmare, but I never win anything, so I guess that’s kind of neat,” said Marshall. “But what really surprised me was how my bed-ridden grandfather reacted to the news. He jumped to his feet for the first time in 23 years and even started dancing around the room. He’s so excited about visiting Perdue. Or at least he was up until when he contracted salmonella while singing into the raw chicken breast like it was a microphone.”

Some c-level executives at Perdue were not thrilled by the news.

“We spend millions to craft legislation that keeps people out of our factories. And Jim wants to throw all that away for a contest?” said Chief Operating Officer Zofia Ibarra. “I suppose the fizzy lifting room where we float chicken up into a giant, deadly ceiling fan is kind of cool, but it’s not fit for public viewing. And worst of all, there’s a rumor Jim’s considering signing over the entire company to one of the contest winners he deems worthy. I’ve worked my whole life at Perdue. But there’s no way in hell I’m going to start taking orders from a 13-year-old boy with a heart of gold or some shit.”

At press time, the FBI is weighing criminal charges against Perdue after the golden tickets were found to be coated in a highly poisonous chemical lacquer.