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Oh You Have COVID? Name Three Times You Ignored Your Symptoms and Went to Target Anyway

Hey bud, haven’t seen you around in a while, oh, you’ve been isolating! Didn’t know you could wait tables from home, ha ha. Wait, you tested positive for COVID? I’m sorry to hear that, but to be honest if you were truly sick you’d have disregarded your symptoms and gone shopping at Target at least three times by now.

I mean you heard the President, we need to make sure our economy makes a strong recovery even if it means ignoring severe body aches and labored breathing to buy $600 worth of Legos. I’ve done my part, can you say you’ve done the same?

In the last six months I’ve contracted the Delta and Omicron variants but that never stopped me from walking aimlessly up and down the aisles of my local Target’s multiple times a week. Sure, that was mostly due to the virus induced brain fog but at least I’m giving the employees a reason to be there. They’re heroes, you know.

You’re really going to expect me to believe that complete loss of taste and smell is going to prevent you from taste testing all the pastries at the bakery section anyway? If you live your life like literally nothing has changed, then the virus can’t win.

Listen, I get that you’re thinking of the greater good not wanting to inadvertently infect someone’s grandma and all that high minded stuff. But sometimes you just gotta risk it for a one-in-a-three-month deal on coffee makers. I bet you have a cold, or at worst allergies. I mean whenever I have a sinus infection, I just don’t want to do anything.

OK look, I didn’t want to be an asshole about it but I distinctly remember all those vaccination card selfies you posted last summer, so let’s just call it what it is: you’ve got the sniffles. Now take some cough drops and get your ass in the car, I need you to help me pick out a new pair of sweatpants.