EVANSTON, Ill. — Economists at North Western University published a new study this week showing a single parent of two must distribute their collective bargaining efforts across multiple low-wage positions to afford life just above the poverty line.
“This is the new normal,” reports lead researcher Elizabeth Lhodi. “Data from more than 3,500 families reliably shows that additive-collective-organizing, particularly if you are a single parent, is the only way to accumulate benefits and cobble together something that resembles a living wage. On the bright side, our study makes it plain that the negotiations between management and workers will become more efficient when they incorporate several managements. We did test cases with Carls Jr./Granger/Hostess; and Miracle Whip/Raid/Hilton. We found that if negotiating together, three low-paying employers could provide wages and something like a social safety net for an individual working 105hr/week supporting 1.55 children.”
Lindsay Ramirez, 32-year-old mother of two, is one of the many Americans who participated in the study.
“I’m looking for insurance from Kellogg, child care from KFC, and tuition assistance from United. I can usually put together rent and groceries from the three wages, but my kid broke his wrist running for the school bus and those medical bills are sinking me,” said Ramirez. “For the most part my schedule was working out. I was able to take quick naps at the longer red lights on my commute between jobs, but once KFC said we couldn’t take home any of the leftovers at the end of the night I knew something had to change.”
Service Employees International Union rep Howard Rutger shrugged off any optimism for brass tacks pragmatism.
“Look, we’re all used to working a few gigs to make ends meet,” said Rutger. “But if we’re being frank, no one company’s ever going to voluntarily pay enough to afford groceries, clothes, housing, internet, a phone, insurance, dental, vision, all of the above plus school supplies for two elementary school girls. Only rational thing is to triple up your efforts. Collective organization can improve your station in life, but there’s really no future where workers at these multinational corporations will be able to survive on fewer than three jobs, so you’ve got to work to make them all better.”
Lhodi looks forward to expanding this practical research with her next study entitled Advantages of Corporate Fiefdoms In the Age Of An Impotent American Political Left.