COOKEVILLE, Tenn. — Cautious guitarist Samuel Tollins is almost ready to fart near his new Fender American Professional II Stratocaster after three months of being together, supportive friends report.
“Well, this Stratocaster is my first American-made, professional-quality guitar so I didn’t want to rush things,” admitted Tollins, who botched previous relationships by getting too comfortable too soon with an Orange Tiny Terror amplifier, and a Digitech Whammy pedal. “I call her Darla, which is actually unrelated to my ex-girlfriend Darla. Seriously. Anyways, my cheap Epiphone SG has seen me at my worst so I know it won’t judge me: food poisoning, vomiting on my bed, etc. I’m almost ready to take the same plunge with my Darlacaster. I’ve been making excuses that I need to check something in my car for weeks, but I feel comfortable around it and think it might be time.”
Friends attempted to encourage Tollins with words of wisdom and tales of personal experience.
“Relationships come in many different varieties. I prefer to keep my relationships with my instruments sexy and classy, so I’ll never fart in front of my Stingray basses,” said Janice Owens, who puts her basses in their cases before burping. “But for some people like Samuel, doing gross stuff is endearing. I don’t personally get it, but maybe that’s just my Catholic upbringing. Good for him. But remember, once you fart in front of your guitar, there’s no turning back. It will never look at you the same.”
Musicologists weighed in on the pros and cons of getting too comfortable around your gear.
“It’s an important step in your relationship with your instruments—fart too early, and it will judge you as a disgusting slob forever,” said Dr. Taylor Yard, professor of music at University of Tennessee. “But wait too long, and you’ll never be able to feel truly comfortable at home. You’ll be sneaking to the bathroom to fart, or changing behind a privacy screen like 18th-century royalty just to avoid the judgment of the guitars, basses, and drum kits who should provide you with happiness and joy.”
As of press time, Tollins has reportedly made the decision to break the ice and wind tonight with a last-minute trip to Taco Bell.