We Sat Down With a Gun Violence Expert in Between His English and Biology Classes

Posted on by Tony Morse

Unless you live on Mars or with your boomer parents who only watch Newsmax, you’ve likely noticed that the United States has a bit of an issue with gun violence. And given all the targeted ads for bulletproof backpacks that Facebook keeps showing to parents, we’re clearly lacking any real solutions.

Now that Republican members of Congress are doing family Christmas photos with everyone gripping more firepower than your average Allied soldier had on D-Day, we’re guessing that semi-automatic pistols, extended-capacity magazines, and probably hand grenades at this point, are going to be pretty popular stocking stuffers this year.

So how are kids dealing with this pediatric arms race? We spoke with noted gun violence expert and self-described “math whiz,” little Tommy Phillips to find out!

The Hard Times: Hey little Tommy! How was English? That was our favorite subject!
Tommy Phillips: I like English because my desk is secure in the rear corner of the classroom. I don’t have any blind spots and there’s adequate window access for escape.

We see. What are you guys reading?
The Outsiders. Can you imagine being so histrionic about fistfights and knives? What a bunch of pussies.

Yeah… You’ve got Biology next?
Yep. Bio is cool. Learning about the human body reminds me of how to treat a sucking chest wound.

A what?
A wound that creates a hole in your chest, roughly the size of a nickel or dime. It makes a sucking or hissing sound when you try to breathe. Small arms fire can cause them. Didn’t you learn that when you were in middle school?

No, the only time we talked about holes was in sex ed. Ha! Get it? Sorry, just trying to lighten the mood.
What is sex ed?

That’s… troubling. You’ve probably heard about the Michigan parents who gave their son a gun that he, um, brought to school.
You don’t need to talk to me like a child. Ethan Crumbley caused 11 casualties, including 4 KIAs and 7 wounded.

Do you worry about parents giving their kids guns?
For purposes of maintaining proper situational readiness, I assume everyone here is armed.

Oh. Uh, are you excited for Christmas?
Kids today don’t think in concepts like “the future.” The present is all we have.

That is chilling.
Perhaps. Oh, I also want a PlayStation 5!

Okay, but no games with guns. We heard they cause violence.

Psychopath Listens to New Album on Shuffle

Posted on by Rachel Steele

TACOMA, Wash. — Local deranged person Billy “Bile” Harrison reportedly listened to the album created by his friend Jake Gomez on shuffle rather than from start to finish like some kind of absolute maniac.

“All my music is shuffled,” Harrison said with a glazed, lifeless look in his eye while tossing a Slim Jim to his python’s tank. “I just don’t understand people who listen to just one album when they could listen to all music all the time like a big primordial soup. If there’s a song that has an ending that sort of blends into the beginning of the next song, well then so be it. I like the sensation that the unpredictability provides, like the pin prickly feeling you get when you hit your funny bone on a table.”

Gomez expressed his heartbreak after learning his friend didn’t listen to his album in the order he designed.

“All of those tracks were carefully arranged to create an inclusive aural experience,” he said. “The listener is taken on a journey with this album. But just shuffling the whole thing like a weirdo completely ruins the art. Bile is a real piece of work, it’s a wonder he made it this far in life. Yesterday, I caught him playing random tracks of Pink Floyd’s ‘The Wall’ the other day. You don’t just randomly listen to Pink Floyd, you plan an afternoon around it! Fucking psycho!”

Gomez’s producer Tony Tucker nearly spit his drink upon hearing the news, but isn’t entirely surprised that a mortal human would stoop so low.

“Shuffle? What is this, ‘The Shining?’ I slaved over Jake’s album. I spent so many hours lining up every song perfectly. I even let him do that acoustic solo ballad because I knew it would be sandwiched between two way better tracks,” Tucker held back tears and struggled to continue. “Now you’re telling me people out there are listening to that track in isolation? I’m ruined! I suppose next you’re going to tell me they don’t listen to my music on $900 NS-10 the way I intended. Some people are truly monsters.”

At press time, Harrison finally gave his opinion on Gomez’s acoustic track, stating it sounds great after sandwiching it between Metallica and Kanye West amid a shuffled playlist.

If You’re Going to Talk Shit About Me at Least Have the Decency To Do It Behind My Back Like a Coward

Posted on by Kevin Tit

First things fucking first. Who the hell do you think you are talking to? Airing your grievances about me straight to my fucking face at the office holiday party like that? In front of all of our coworkers! Just because I told the intern that you smell worse than your wife looks? That doesn’t justify what you did. Listen, if you’re going to talk shit about me you could at least have the decency to do it behind my back, like the coward I wish you were.

Seriously? It’s 2021 and you’re out here confronting people in person. Are you some sort of cave person whose ice casket just thawed out yesterday? In a civilized society, if you have a problem with someone you make small talk about it with other people or you post about it on the Internet. The one thing you absolutely never ever do is approach the person who has wronged you and address them directly.

I don’t know what the world was like for you back in nineteen eighty-whatever, but that is not how we do things in the modern age. You’re just lucky I don’t have a gun because when you called my name, my life felt threatened and I would have been within my full rights to shoot you dead right then and there. I seriously thought you were going to punch me in the face when you started bringing up how I wouldn’t approve your sick day request for chemotherapy treatment. And not because deep down I know I deserve it. It’s because you have no decency.

So I’m begging you. In the future, just do what the rest of us do and keep all your shit-talking behind people’s back where it’s safe. Like a coward. A coward with decency.

Skeptics Question Scientific Link Between Weight Gain & Drinking 12 PBRs At Every Show

Posted on by Yancy Lee Crawford

INDIANAPOLIS – A small but visibly-confused group of free thinkers stormed the HI-FI Annex stage to incoherently question the connection between weight gain and drinking a dozen semi-cold Pabst Blue Ribbons at every show, confused audience members confirmed.

“There’s no way the weight gain I’ve experienced since I started drinking at shows in high school was caused by beer!” said Matt Hartsell, the group’s leader, while shotgunning a PBR and spitting all over the front row. “This junk science–a false flag operation if I’ve ever seen one–is meant to keep us from experiencing the freedom of drinking a 12-pack of Blue Ribbon in the parking lot between bands! There was a documentary called ‘Road Soda’ that Facebook took down last week and it proved that exercise and nutrition are propaganda created by the liberal deep state elite to keep us running on a treadmill instead of back to the bar.”

Jason Bonham, Hartsell’s former roommate and witness to the stage takeover, came away from the experience with more questions than answers.

“That group brought up some good points. Everybody wants to call them crazy, but I only drink at shows and keep getting bigger and more uncomfortable. I’m glad they’re asking questions because something weird is going on here,” Bonham said between long, trash-scented belches. “Moshing for 30 or 40 seconds every two songs is more than enough physical activity to maintain the physical fitness I had in my early 20s. I’ll check that documentary out on YouTube and follow some of these people on Twitter just to get all sides of the story.”

Primary care physician Kaleb Robins worries about the well-being of his former patient and associates.

“This uprising is being led by a man that crushed a sixer in the parking lot before his last physical. I thought he was a nihilist–I didn’t realize he was actually health-illiterate,” Robins lamented between patients. “I started my career in the latter days of MK-ULTRA. We did some shady stuff, but we never messed with beer. And I’m pretty sure the documentary Matt keeps referencing was a bit from a comedy podcast, but I won’t send him to AA yet. If I do, he’ll storm another stage in six months to abolish the 21st Amendment. Matt does not understand moderation.”

At press time, the group issued tweets declaring that craft beer has psychoactive properties placed there by the FDA, CDC, and NSA to keep microbrewing and macrobrewing enthusiasts divided.

How Dare You Accuse Me, a Straight Man Who Paints His Nails, of Misogyny

Posted on by Jus Kaplan

Hey girl. Hey! I almost didn’t see you over the reflection from my nails, which are painted midnight black, as you can see. I could hear your very shrill voice though, calling out to me. What? You really think I’m a misogynist? Is it because of the super funny joke about Roe V. Wade I told my boys at the bar? Either way, I’m here to let you know that is impossible. Did you not notice my fingernails?

Maybe your female brain couldn’t make the connection, but my nails are painted. With fingernail polish. Like chicks do. I’m clearly in touch with my feminine side so I know a thing or two about how females think.

What’s with all the hostility? Not to gaslight you, but you came up to me and started this conversation. Also, you said you’d buy me a drink. I’m thinking whisk- ahh, haha. You almost got me. I’m a chick’s kind of guy, as you may recall from my nails. I’ll have a vodka cran.

Seriously shut up, I fucking love women. Especially pretty ones. Because I’m straight, remember? Don’t forget that.

Damn you’re such a wet blanket. I might have even invited you back to my place to listen to Lil Peep and chill. I would have paid for your Uber home too. Guys without painted nails wouldn’t do that, ya know.

Okay well it seems like you’re pretty mad at me for whatever reason so I’m gonna bail. Is it your time of the month or something? I know that can make women irrational. You saw my nails, right?

Oh, so now you’re just gonna ignore me? Whatever, screw you then. I never even wanted to talk to you or your lame-ass friends. I’ve got like 5 Hinge matches who are way hotter than you waiting for my “u up” text tonight. And unlike you, they appreciate sensitive, manicured men like me.

Our Favorite Albums of 2021 to Listen to on the Bus to Avoid Talking to This Guy Who Really Wants to Talk To Us

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

The end of the year is a great time to reflect on all that’s happened in the last 12 months, be that to reminisce on bad memories we’d sooner forget, or to remember the good times that make us grateful to be alive for just a little bit longer. For many people, listing the best new music that came out this year is a great way to recall the ebb and flow of time, and for us, listening to our favorite albums of 2021 is a great way to avoid making eye contact with this guy on the bus who’s definitely trying to get our attention.

Here’s our favorite albums of 2021 that are not only great to listen to but are also pulling more than their share of weight in getting us out of hearing what his dude thinks about climate change.

  1. The Stimulators, ‘Loud Fast Rules’
    The first album to make our list is literally the first thing we could find after we put my headphones in to signal to this idiot that talking is off-limits. We’re sure this album is great, but we honestly have no idea. Either way, it’s definitely our favorite thing ever to happen right at this second as this guy is definitely looking at a rash or something on his arm and sort of coyly looking over here but in an inviting way. Not only do we not want to be anywhere near anyone’s rash, we also don’t wanna be on the hook for giving a total stranger faulty medical advice — it could be serious and we just can’t have something like that hanging over our head. No thanks.
  2. Sunami/Gulch split
    OK, this one is a little faster which is exactly what we wish this fucking bus would start doing ASAP. We’re pretty sure rash dude can hear the music coming from our headphones and is fake-headbanging and we just want to go home. We got a single strand of hair wrapped around our toe before we got our socks on and we weighed taking our shoes and socks off and handling it all day and we don’t know why we didn’t but we just really need to take care of this now.
  3. Quicksand, ‘Quicksand’
    We’re not sure if the bus is some sort of wormhole portal where hints aren’t taken the same way they are in the regular universe, but this guy is incredibly persistent and has now moved to the seat directly across from us. Which brings us to our third pick. Is this album actually from 1990 and so isn’t really a new release in 2021? Yes, but 1990 is exactly how far back in time we wish we could go so maybe we could have made some slightly different choice, resulting in a butterfly effect-like series of events that would put us on the 6:12 bus instead of this one. Why didn’t we bring a book?
  4. Sleater/Kinney, ‘Path of Wellness’
    We truly don’t know how much longer this ride could possibly be. This is more new music than we’ve listened to since we were 16 and still found joy in things. If he thinks staring at us non-stop, only to look slightly off to the side and pretend to look at something the second we catch him is going to work on us, he’s got another thing coming. We should, however, thank him, for if not for this little maneuver we might have missed the business card of an injury lawyer tucked into the window a few seats over, which we may or may not need for reasons our future lawyer probably thinks it best we don’t discuss at this time.
  5. Cannabis Corpse, “Left Hand Pass’
    Alright, we’ve just decided to take off our headphones and blast Cannabis Corpse straight from our phone while we stare back at this guy until one of us reaches our stop. We’re not actually high right now, but public transportation always makes us feel like we are anyway, so why not lean in.

Happy new year, may yours be merry and solitary and come without unwanted attention.

39-Year-Old With Middle Part Isn’t Fooling Anyone

Posted on by Heather Cook

DODGE CITY, Kan. — Local adult Amelie Hartman was spotted pathetically trying to keep up with the latest trends by parting her hair down the middle similar to her younger counterparts, skeptical sources confirmed.

“With my hair parted down the middle, I totally pass for a twenty-something zoomer, maybe even a teenager, right?” said Hartman while struggling to upload a video of her new hairdo to TikTok. “Nowadays, there’s nothing more lame than being labeled a millennial, and since I was a teenager in the 90s it won’t be hard for me to fit in. Anyone that sees me with my middle part and wide-leg jeans would never guess that I’m actually 60% gray and used to own a Razr flip phone. Now, I’m like the next Greta Thurnberg or whatever, except like, a version of Greta who had a 13” Sony Trinitron with a built-in VCR in 1996.”

Hartman’s co-worker, Carmen Gomez, is not easily tricked by Hartman’s pitiful efforts.

“Amelie isn’t fooling anyone with her sad attempts to pass for Gen-Z,” said Gomez. “The other day, she came into work wearing a bucket hat and a graphic crop top. This is a finance office. We can’t have grown-ass adults showing up here dressed like Billie Eilish. She keeps trying to impress the interns by quoting Megan Thee Stallion and doing TikTok dances, but it’s just making everyone really uncomfortable.”

Dr. Michael Anu, a professor of Psychology at William Paterson University, has seen an increase in this behavior amongst millennials aged 36 to 40.

“In our latest study, we’ve discovered a glaring uptick in the amount of 30-something millennials that say ‘Bing Bong’ without knowing what it even means,” said Anu. “It’s a chemical reaction to the fear of aging and no longer being the ‘it’ generation. Millennials go into denial and start lashing out by wearing crop tops and crying like teenagers at Phoebe Bridgers concerts. Unfortunately, this epidemic will only come to an end when the millennials physically become too exhausted to keep up with this nonsense and just lean in to completely hating everything.”

At press time, when asked what she will do to try and pass for Gen-Z when she turns 40, Hartman ran a finger under her choker and remarked that she has “no idea what you’re talking about.”

Man Buying Gas Station Hard-Boiled Egg Suspected Of Any And All Unsolved Crimes

Posted on by Michael Gursky

NEW CASTLE, Del. — An unnamed man was arrested and taken into custody under the suspicion of “potentially having committed any heinous, violent act imaginable” following the purchase of an individually packaged hard-boiled egg at a local Speedway.

“I ain’t seen anybody buy one of them eggs in years, and I feared the son of a bitch who would,” said Speedway attendant Harm Plakavich, still visibly shaken after the event. “I had no choice but to notify the local police, Sheriff’s department, fire department, bomb squad, and ever-growing neighborhood vigilante gangs that we may have one of the sickest bastards of the century on our hands. I know it’s a good source of protein on the go and all, but for God’s sake, it’s still a single egg in a baggie of water, and there’s no way you can open one without spilling the fluid all over yourself. I’m sorry, I… I need to be with my family right now.”

Stern local police chief Stavros Papazaglou, who arrested and took the gas station egg purchaser into custody, expressed a passionate disgust.

“This isn’t a man, this is a vile savage we’re dealing with, and I wouldn’t put anything past this vermin,” he stated. “Any cold case in the county might be his dealing. I got 25 unsolved human trafficking cases I could confidently pin on this slime right now. Hell, we got over 40 pending arson cases his ass is clearly involved in. As far as my eyes can see this motherfucker did every crime ever committed, and will be responsible for any and all future crimes.”

Clinical Psychologist Amanda Wasser, of the FBI Particularly Dangerous Persons Unit, shared her concerns and hopes from an undisclosed location.

“A man who purchases a hard-boiled egg in a wet bag from a gas station would murder an entire family in broad daylight and eat their entrails in front of passerby’s. That I know to be a psychological fact,” she noted. “But he’s captured, and that’s a once-in-a-lifetime terrorist off the streets, and decades worth of unsolved crimes that may come to an end and bring closure to families and not gross out people just trying to buy a damn donut and get to work.”

At press time, a woman who appeared to be strongly considering purchasing sushi from a local 7-Eleven is believed by law enforcement and those around her to be a copycat disgusting person.

Until I Started Listening to PUP, I Had No Idea Canadians Also Thought Stuff Was Bullshit

Posted on by Aidan Sears

One of the most powerful things about music is its ability to connect us with distant cultures. It’s amazing how much you can learn about a people by listening to how their musicians express themselves through song. Recently I was introduced to a band called “PUP” (aww) from a strange, cold land known as “Canada.” I was astonished at how much this band taught me about the noble Canadian people, notably that they too think stuff is bullshit and that everything sucks.

I couldn’t believe it at first. I thought believing that shit is terrible and that life generally sucks ass was a cultural phenomenon confined to people from Pennsylvania and certain parts of Ohio. What sort of bullshit could there possibly be in Canada? Healthcare? Hockey? A third thing I can’t think of because I don’t know anything about Canada? But the more I listened to PUP, the more it became clear. Despite the fact that these guys spoke Canadian, I could understand them perfectly. And good news, shit is apparently terrible everywhere!

That’s not all PUP taught me. While commiserating about bullshit and how fucking stupid it all is, Canadians also sometimes partake in drinking beer. My people also drink beer! It got me thinking that maybe, one day, I could have a beer with someone from Canada. Not long ago I would have thought it was a preposterous idea but now I’m committed to making it happen if I ever make the journey to Toronto.

PUP also taught me about Toronto.

I would like to thank PUP for expanding my musical tastes and fixing my cultural myopia. Because if there’s one thing that music can teach us all, it’s that people are pissed off everywhere.

Venue Strikes Gold with Booth that Sells Photos of Audience Members in Mosh Pit

Posted on by Peter Woods

TULSA, Okla. — Local venue owner Michelle Kirk reportedly doubled her gross income by installing a new booth that sells photos of audience members actively dancing in the mosh pit, ecstatic customers confirmed.

“I can’t believe how well this thing has done. I sell them for $10 a piece and it’s just some photo paper with The Outback Snakehouse logo on there,” said Kirk while designing a variety of fun borders for the photos. “We are absolutely making bank and I didn’t think we would sell a single photo. Really, we just installed the booth so people would use the north exit that’s right next to the vending machine. Figured some of these kids would want to grab a Three Musketeers before they left, but apparently, they want these goofy photos too. After every band there is a line that bends around the merch table with people wanting to buy another photo.”

“I guess leaving with a framed keepsake is still better than buying a shitty demo tape you’ll never listen to, huh?” added Kirk.

Audience members aren’t the only ones excited about the new booth.

“I absolutely love it. I’d buy every single photo of people going nuts during our band if I could afford it,” said Tammy Combs, drummer for Oklahoma City pornogrind band Cock Distance. “Every single time we play out of town nobody ever shows up, so this is just proof that we had at least 26 paying customers show up. It sucks that I didn’t get any pictures with me in them to post on our Gram, but it’s worth the trade-off.

However, not everyone who has encountered the booth is a fan.

“That booth is absolutely ruining hardcore and it’s ruining this scene,” said local music fan Tina Frazier. “Kids keep showing up to these shows and jumping in the pit with toothbrushes and newspapers and shit so they can get some goofy picture of themselves at the exact right moment. I mean, they were doing that before and it was fine, but now that they are doing it for the photo it’s stupid.”

Kirk has already announced plans to expand on the booth with the help of Shining Star Studios, a local photography business known for their prom photos, to take photos of audience members’ outfits before this weekend’s shows.

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