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We Rank Our Childhood Friends by How Into Crypto They Are Now

So your best buddy from 1st grade faded out of your life by the time you were in college. It happens! Childhood friendships often wind up morphing into nothing more than the occasional social media interaction, whether that be an accidental Instagram story reply or screenshotting their Facebook status to send to your other friends to make fun of. So we figured, hey, why not put together a ranking of those friends we lost touch with, organized by how into crypto they’ve become?

5. Laura – Laura is ranked last on this list because, honestly, we’re not sure she knows what crypto is. She was homeschooled until 3rd grade and it shows. But she is really into essential oils now and definitely deep into a pyramid scheme, which doesn’t seem that far off from the whole crypto thing.

4. Ben – Ben is the dude who got way too into whatever fad was happening at the time in high school and it seems to have stuck. He was snapping up old packs of Pokémon cards the second the pandemic buying spree started and has yet to turn a profit. It makes sense that cryptocurrencies are at least on his hyperactive trend radar, though the only evidence so far is the Bored Ape t-shirt that he’s wearing in his Discord profile picture.

3. Natalie – Natalie is an artist who seemingly got sick of earning $1.04 in Redubble royalties every month and apparently moved on to making NFTs. Look, we get it. The arts are tough. But did she really need to resort to this? Plus, it’s made her art look worse somehow.

2. Mark – Mark was one of those guys who was into Bitcoin in 2013 and everyone just thought he was a drug dealer. He’s always been on the wrong side of sketchy and, frankly, his rise to prominence on crypto Twitter isn’t helping that reputation. Mark is currently lobbying to have a Bitcoin ATM installed at his corner bodega, so that pretty much tells you everything you need to know.

1. Owen – God. Fucking Owen, man. He gets first place for sure. His preferred social media is LinkedIn where he’s constantly posting about #thegrind even though he’s been a mid-level sales manager for the last decade. He’s gone fully down the crypto rabbit hole; posting about investments every three hours and doing giveaways for $5 worth of DogeCoin like he’s some kind of celebrity. Worst of all, he’s constantly trying to hit on women in sports bars in the middle of the day by half-assedly explaining the blockchain. You know what? We’re happy your dad’s been in jail since middle school.