Priest Can Think of Another “Punk” Who “Broke the Rules,” But it Was the Rules About Child Abuse, and it Was Him

Posted on by Sam Eardley

MEADVILLE, Penn. — A week before his child abuse trial, local priest Justin Canthorne continues to cast himself as a “misunderstood iconoclast,” according to the handful of church-goers that still attend his services.

“Young Christians have always flocked to me, because I believe that their faith does not preclude them from living an alternative lifestyle — whether that’s punk rock, bisexuality or having an attraction to a slightly older authority figure,” said Canthorne. “In today’s sermon I talked about perhaps the biggest punk rocker of all. A real ‘rule-breaker’ who stuck a middle finger up to the orthodoxy. A certain someone with the initials JC who was betrayed by a friend and thrown to the baying mob for public crucifixion. That someone is me. But I have faith that my methods will ultimately be vindicated in the court of God.”

Teenager Beatrice Buena praised Canthorne for his constant attention to young and troubled parishioners.

“I only moved to the area recently, and he’s been real nice to me and the other members of my band. He totally identifies as a punk too, says he has these ‘dangerous thoughts’ that make him an outcast from society, and that ‘keeping secrets from parents is the ultimate rebellion’ — so cool,” said Buena. “And he plays guitar too! He came up behind me and walked my fingers through a much easier fingering on a song I wrote last week. I didn’t get it straight away, but then he showed me that Christian punk is ‘all in the hips,’ which I guess maybe helped.”

“Saying this out loud, it does actually sound a bit creepy. I mean, we did hear this one pretty wild rumor about him, but if it were true, surely the church would have done something about it? I might go and do some Googling, actually,” added Buena before packing up her things in a hurry.

Canthorne’s lawyer Andrew Spencer talked about their defense strategy.

“We will attempt to argue that Reverend Canthorne’s actions were underpinned by his extreme piousness,” stated Spencer, before emitting an eighteen-second sigh. “We will strenuously rebuff the testimony that he ‘wouldn’t know a Bible if it was thrown hard and fast at his temple,’ and we’ll probably try to discredit some witnesses or something. That’s really the only option I have. I just know that win or lose, the Church’s checks always clear without issue.”

At press time, Canthorne was mistakenly stating he could only be judged within the kingdom of God, despite the impending judgment from the state of Pennsylvania which could see him face dozens of years in jail.

If Stolen Valor Is So Bad Then Why Did It Get Me a Better Seat at This Restaurant?

Posted on by Doug Kolic

At ease, soldier! Just kidding, I know you’re not in the military. Don’t tell anyone but neither am I. But it’s authentic-sounding phrases like that, coupled with my questionably-attained Marine Dress Blues and service medals, that I’m able to do anything I want. Including getting a sick table at this busy restaurant. It’s true what they say, everyone loves a man in uniform!

If you listen to the naysayers, you’ll hear people claim stolen valor is “immoral” or that someone impersonating a member of the military could be “prosecuted under the Stolen Valor Act of 2013.” Oh come on. If it was really that bad then why did I just casually skip ahead of a bunch of people in line who actually had reservations and now I’m busy chomping down on this delicious Kobe beef while those losers are still hungry as fuck? Oorah!

That’s another badass phrase I know, I literally have hundreds of them. Some are easy to remember because they’re also movie titles like “Whiskey Tango Foxtrot” or “Zero Dark Thirty.” I have no clue what they mean but I do know that one starred Tiny Fey and she sure as shit wasn’t in the military. I just don’t think what me and Ms. Fey are doing could possibly be that bad.

Before you judge me, I’d like to set the record straight by stating that I don’t agree with the term “stolen valor.” I’m not stealing anything. I borrowed this uniform and some medals from my neighbor when he was overseas. At worst, it’s “borrowed valor.” But whatever it’s not like he can use it! He’s still stationed in Iraq and I doubt the restaurants over there are showing him the level of respect he deserves. Unlike the staff and patrons here, who are being super grateful to me, a proxy for his service.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to change into this priest’s cassock and vanish into the night before the bill gets here. Glory to God!

Punk Uses Both Sides of Plate to Save on Dishes

Posted on by Harley Murgatroyd

AUSTIN, Texas — Local punk and self-declared “dish-truther” Sammy Gladwin has been reported by multiple sources as using both sides of plates to save on having to wash them.

“Between working at a street taco food truck, officiating Magic the Gathering drafts, and playing drums in bands, I’m a pretty dang busy guy,” Gladwin stated. “We were out of clean plates at the house and it just hit me: plates have two sides. I took one out of the sink, flipped that bad boy over and microwaved a burrito on it right then and there. I’m now getting twice the use out of one plate, but if I’m being honest, you can get even more than just two uses out of a well-seasoned plate, but I don’t know if people are ready to hear that yet.”

Gladwin’s roommate expressed trouble vocalizing the positive aspects of sharing a living space with a man of such ingenuity and forethinking, going so far as to call into question the merits of Gladwin’s work ethic.

“Isn’t it obvious? Sammy clearly just doesn’t want to do dishes. He’s fuckin’ lazy. But no, instead of putting any effort into washing shit, he’s completely rearranged our kitchen counters to hold his ‘limbo’ plates,” roommate Darius McMurtry stated. “With the counter space going to these ‘half-used racks’ and the amount of time he now spends in the bathroom with food poisoning, I can barely use any shared space in this house.”

Despite constant criticism, some close to Gladwin seem genuinely proud of his resourcefulness and were eager to share more time-saving tips for the kitchen.

“My boyfriend should definitely write a book because he’s clearly onto something big here. Like, did you know that you can eat off of almost anything flat? Records, books, old mail, guitars, the list goes on and on, plus they all have two sides the same as plates!” said Gladwin’s boyfriend of four months, Danny Gao. “This plate reckoning has me questioning everything. Do you realize regular sticks from trees and even pencils work fine as chopsticks? And, hey—you tell me where it says on any packaging for take-out utensils that they can’t be used more than once if they don’t look dirty. This is straight-up whole-brained shit I’m talking about.”

Gladwin was last observed handing out self-made zines about the merits of reusing underwear by flipping it inside out.

Photo by Jana Miller. 

The 11 Most Unnecessary Movie Sequels

Posted on by Jonah Nink

Despite what your self-help podcast might say, it’s very easy to have too much of a good thing. No truer is this than in Hollywood, which seems to be obsessed with putting out terrible sequels to our favorite films. Here are some of the most unnecessary movie sequels.

Ghostbusters: Field of Dreams

This ill-fated franchise mashup sees the titular paranormal exterminators duke it out with some of baseball’s greatest players. Critics agreed the movie would have been “fucking awesome” had Bill Murray not looked completely disinterested the entire time.

R2-D2 Sells Adderall to Minors: A Star Wars Story

While “Rogue One” and “Solo” may have been disappointments, it was “R2-D2 Sells Adderall to Minors” that put a definitive end to Disney’s Star Wars anthology films. Parents in particular decried the film for including multiple scenes of the famous droid telling high school students he has “something that will help them study.”

Yentl 5

While not as bad as “Yentl 4,” “Yentl 5” still felt phoned-in, failing to capture the magic of what made “Yentl 2: Still Yentl’in” and “Yentl 3: Revelations” work so well.

The Land During Time

This entry in the beloved animated franchise traded the prehistory setting for a modern day one. Instead of following Littlefoot and the gang on their zany hijinks, the film follows a copywriter named Mike as he buys an NFT.

Super Size Me 3

Documentary filmmaker Morgan spurlock dies 28 minutes into the film, in which he was supposed to eat nothing but Burger King Chicken Fries and gravel for a full year.

Being John Deacon

20th Century Fox attempted to capitalize on the success of the Queen biopic “Bohemian Rhapsody” with a solo film focusing on the band’s bassist, John Deacon. The 162-minute long film follows Deacon as he eats breakfast, leaves band practice early, and tunes his bass.

The High Fidelity Murders

John Cusack reprises his role as the introspective record store owner Rob Gordon, who has become obsessed with committing the top five murders of all time. Audiences enjoyed the creative kills, but still found Cusack’s constant monologuing as insufferable as the previous film’s.

Gravity 2

The last time we see George Clooney in 2013’s “Gravity,” he’s floating through the vacuum of space after saving Sandra Bullock. “Gravity 2” follows Clooney as he slowly starves to death inside a shit and urine-filled space suit.

School of Rock: Dewey Goes to Prison

Picking up right where the original “School of Rock” left off, “Dewey Goes to Prison” follows Jack Black’s music-loving substitute Dewey Finn as he’s sentenced to two years in federal prison for child endangerment. Finn attempts to form a plucky group of inmates into a rock band, but is stabbed with a shiv halfway through the film.

Spider-Man: Before the Bite

This prequel gives us some insight into Peter’s Parker life before his being bitten by a super-powered spider. New York Times movie critic Jessica Hartman called the film “uncomfortable,” saying that “it’s hard to watch a pre-teen get bullied for two hours straight.”

The Interview: Kim Jong Un’s Bachelor Bonanza

The sequel was lambasted for trying to humanize globally reviled sociopath James Franco.

America Dispatches 5,000 Scrappy, Italian-American Boxers to Symbolically Combat Russian Threat

Posted on by Camden Brazile

WASHINGTON — President Joe Biden signed an executive order immediately dispatching 5,000 scrappy, Italian-American, mush-mouthed boxers to pose a metaphorical threat to the Russians who invaded Ukraine earlier this week.

“Listen up Jack, we aren’t going to sit around and let some pinko invade countries on a whim. We are prepared to deploy an elite unit of scrappy underdogs with early signs of CTE to push back the Russian front. Putin can pump their tall, blonde soldiers with all the steroids they want. But our boys have been chucking logs around in the snow and they are ready for the show,” said Biden while standing next to a crude robot that kept repeating “Happy birthday Paulie. “It is my firm belief that these boxers will brandish our American ideals with a show of strength and an incredibly catchy soundtrack. If these tensions continue to mount, I am also prepared to send a mediocre second wave, an okay third wave, a surprisingly good fourth wave, and then a forgettable fifth wave of gray sweatsuit-clad heroes to defend freedom.”

Russian President Vladimir Putin said that he does not fear America’s presence in his Ukrainian siege.

“There is no physical way that these small-time, journeymen boxers could ever compete with our Russian troops,” Putin said. “We train with machines, scientists, laboratories. They merely punch meat and run stairs. If these down-to-earth everyman types somehow best our Russian engineering, it would be a climactic come-from-behind win that would devastate Russian morale. Perhaps somewhere along the way we’d realize that we’re not so different after all, sure, but I do not see that as a possibility.”

Former U.S. president, and a man deeply in debt to Russian Oligarchs, Donald Trump was for some reason also reached for comment.

“Well, it’s a shame what they did to that beautiful, beautiful boxer, Ivan Drago. You’ve got little Sly Stallone, who by the way, many people are saying I could TKO in a boxing match, beating Drago to a pulp and even winning over the Soviet crowd,” explained Trump in between toots of European Sudafed. “Just absolutely disgraceful seeing freedom and democracy prevail. Sad!”

At press time, the Pentagon launched “Operation Wolverines,” providing training and aid to small groups of midwestern teens to help them in fending off any surprise Russian invasions.

We Look Back On Biohazard’s “Urban Discipline” Because It’s The Only Hardcore CD At The Library

Posted on by Yancy Lee Crawford

As a Socialist, I fucking love the library. Forget Starbucks because the library is the last REAL third space in the capitalist wasteland of Lafayette, Indiana. The Tippecanoe Public Library doesn’t require patrons to spend money to justify their presence within their building. And just because I refuse to be held hostage by Netflix doesn’t mean I should be denied access to “Infinite Jest” in paperback, multiple VHS copies of “What About Bob?,” or Biohazard’s Urban Discipline on compact disc.

Honestly, I was hoping to find Hatebreed’s “Satisfaction Is the Death of Desire,” but that must’ve been checked out by the guy wearing gym shorts and a Terror shirt in the periodicals. Well, the headphones I borrowed from the circulation desk and computer kiosk make up for the lackluster hardcore selection I guess.

“Chamber Spins Three” I’d love to tell you about this song, but the CD is skipping so badly. Maybe that’s because the computer is the size of a microwave and running Windows Vista, but it also looks like someone took a belt sander to the bottom of the disc. What I can tell you is that the first song on this copy of the album sounds like a fax machine throwing up.

“Punishment” Did you know this song was in the 1989 film The Punisher starring Dolph Lundgren? Did you also know that “Punishment…” hey is it normal for people to have soup in the library? Do people do that? Also, I think a scarfed hippie woman is reading Tarot cards to a preschool class. Is being able to read Tarot considered literacy? Is this like sanctioned or is she just doing that?

“We’re Only Gonna Die (From Our Own Arrogance)” I love this song because it’s a Bad Religion cover, but I didn’t get to it because some guy needed to do his taxes, so I let him have the nice computer.

“Urban Discipline” Okay, this is vintage Biohazard and guaranteed to get the blood pumping. The song has heavy riffs and gang vocals in the chor–oh my god. I cannot unhear the man that is most likely masturbating right next to me. I don’t see the Hitachi Wand he walked in with and everything smells like bologna. His moaning and unbroken eye contact are extremely uncomfortable.

Man, what the fuck? Why are my tax dollars paying for this shitty media co-op? I’m just gonna listen to Gorilla Biscuits on Spotify Premium because this album sucks anyway. Sorry socialism!

Punk Caught Praising Establishment During Hot Mic Moment

Posted on by Robert John Scucci

CLEVELAND – The local punk scene was fractured and irreparably divided after Fight for Disorder’s long-time frontman Gary Hench was caught praising the establishment and authority a little too much during a hot mic moment at his home-town show, disillusioned and outraged sources confirmed.

“I don’t know what the big deal is,” said Hench in regard to the incident. “We were tuning up and about to start our set, and one of the security guards told me I was triple parked. I told him it was no biggie because I have one of those little blue shields on the corner of my license plate and I know that this is Officer Klein’s block today. It was a private conversation that happened to get picked up by the hot mic. You can criticize me all you want, but hey, Klein’s my buddy. We literally live in the same cul de sac. I don’t give a shit that the crowd was booing me, they don’t know Officer Klein like I do.”

Venue staff believes this is a flagrant disregard to the values that Hench preaches to his audience each and every night.

“The guy goes from talking about his cop friend to railing about abuse of power. Then the band launches into their song ‘Blue Lives Splatter,’ said security guard Omar Leeson. “This isn’t the first time something like this has happened. He’s always backstage talking about how the minimum wage is too high already, that CEOs are technically ‘underpaid,’ and that Ronald Reagan was the greatest American president. I understand the difference between the on-stage persona and the real person, but you have to at least act like you give a shit.”

Scene Sociologist Sara Michley states that this kind of behavior change in the old guard is more common than one would think.

“It’s one of the unfortunate things that happen as we get older,” Michley asserted. “Sometimes it’s guys like Gary Hench being a little too chummy with the cops, and other times it’s guys like Danzig refusing to play a festival because there’s no French onion soup in the dressing room. The hard truth of the matter is that when your band becomes a legacy property, you simply just might not believe the same things you did when you were 18. This isn’t always true, but in Gary’s case it would be more suiting if he wrote a song called ‘I’m a total fucking dick to the staff when I take my family to Olive Garden.’ It doesn’t take much to become exactly what you’re rebelling against.”

At press time, Hench was seen selling unsigned guitar picks that he used that night for $35 each.

Photo by Jana Miller

Opinion: If Danzig Wants My Skull So Bad He’ll Answer My Challenge and Face Me Like a Man

Posted on by Harley Murgatroyd

My name is Harley Murgatroyd and Glenn Danzig wants me dead. Countless times the man has threatened my life, from putting knives in me to peeling the flesh from my skull. Yeah, the big head bone we use to hold our brains. Well hear this, I’m not afraid any more and I challenge you, Glenn Danzig, to just fucking try and take this fleshy hair covered skull.

I was a child, no more than 13 years of age, when I received the first threat on my life. Misfits Collection 1, track 10, “Skulls.” That’s where I first heard him utter the words that would define the rest of my life, “I want your skull…” I repeated the track on my Walkman to make sure I heard it clearly and it was reiterated, “…I need your skull.”

I’ve spent the last 20 years training my body to ward off skull thieving weirdos. My training has included a strict regimen of working my neck, jaw, teeth, and brain muscles, and of course, consuming gallons upon gallons of milk each week. I’ve studied your movements, Danzig, I’ve listened and read the Misfits literature, all of which led me to the perfect venue. A tourist trap in England with a phenomenal gift shop, the London Dungeon. It is here, on Halloween, we shall settle our horror business once and for all.

I’ve seen the kitty litter pics, Danzig. I’ve seen the tenderly wrapped Christmas gifts. I heard about the HOA disagreements and the brick pile. You may have fooled everyone else into thinking you’re some slightly sub-normal guy who is simultaneously a musician and B movie fan, but you haven’t fooled me. I am no longer a little girl, I am a large woman with a calcium fortified skull covered in extremely thick skin. It is time we formally step into the gauntlet. Mommy says I can go out and kill tonight, let’s do this motherfucker.

My skull is right here, you spooky grandpa! Meet me at the London Dungeon on Halloween. Twelve O’clock, don’t be late.

“I Wish Bars Here Were Open til 4 a.m.” Says Woman Unaware 2 a.m. Last Call Only Reason She’s Alive

Posted on by John Danek

LOS ANGELES — Literary agent and frequent binge drinker Lana Delano has no idea that despite her protests, California’s statewide 2 a.m. last call is the only reason she remains among the living, concerned friends reported.

“It’s fucking bullshit! When I lived in New York I would stay out ‘til four most nights. LA is so lame,” said Delano, whose stomach has been pumped no less than six times in the last two years. “The night is just getting started at 2 a.m. And hell, you’re lucky to even find a bar that stays open that late. Most of these hipster bars start flipping on the lights between midnight and 1 a.m. What is this, Utah? What about my Constitutional right to the pursuit of happiness?”

Delano’s friends are relieved that with her recent move to The Golden State, the odds of her experiencing lethal alcohol poisoning are somewhat lower than before.

“I started avoiding going out with Lana because I’m not a goddamn urgent care nurse. I can’t be responsible for making sure she doesn’t die while I’m also pretty trashed,” admitted friend and former roommate Bob Erskine. “Don’t get me wrong—she’s still on track to develop a pretty gnarly case of cirrhosis in her early 30s. But her worst drinking was at the end of the night, so I think a 2 a.m. last call helps, assuming she doesn’t get her ass beat for threatening bartenders over it .”

God, omnipresent creator of all things known and unknown, illustrated some of Delano’s other possible life outcomes.

“Oh yeah, she’d be dead as hell right now if bars were open any later for sure,” said The Almighty, who is reportedly preparing to sue Congresswoman Lauren Boebert for slander and defamation. “Let’s see… if she had access to a 4 a.m. last call on her most recent birthday, she would have died by grabbing her Uber driver’s wheel and steering into oncoming traffic. This is the same reason we had a 2 a.m. last call in the desert—Abraham would have definitely drank himself to death after I told him to gut his son with a knife. What a good prank.”

Rumors circulate that Delano is planning to protest her workplace’s “employees must wash hands after using the restroom” sign, again entirely unaware such a policy is the only reason she’s alive.

My Tinder Match Wanted A Partner In Crime, So, I Guess I Fight Dogs Now

Posted on by Dan Rice

Weeding through dating apps can be a really discouraging headache. After a while it all just becomes one big blur of way too instagramable selfies and the same dozen or so interchangeable descriptions. “A work in progress.” “Cat mom.” “Buy me tacos.” I had almost given up hope when suddenly I came across a fun-loving and free-spirited looking woman “seeking a partner in crime.” I decided to bite, one thing led to another, and now I’m in way over my head.

I thought she just wanted someone 420 friendly to frolic around with and take selfies and shit. I seriously underestimated the vast and dangerous reaches of her criminal empire.

So yeah, I help run a dog fighting ring, amongst other illegal enterprises. It’s fucked up. Trust me when I say that as an animal lover I’m as disgusted by the whole thing as you probably are. But we like a lot of the same movies, we both love the beach, and she cooks a mean chicken marsala, so I just wanna see where this goes.

Before you judge me too harshly try to understand, she thicc.

Not to sound like I’m giving myself a pass or anything here, but I have been pushing for some positive changes from inside, which is maybe kinda how you have to do it. I’ve got us on a healthy, ethically sourced kibble now. I found a vet who doesn’t have an eye patch. I’ve even suggested we teach the dogs to fight with just their tails so they don’t hurt each other that much. It’s an uphill sell but some of the less scary guys are starting to come around I think!

Dog fight/exotic pet breeding/meth trafficking ring aside, this is the best relationship I’ve been in for a long time. To all the naysayers, animal rights activists, and law enforcement agencies out there, I understand your grievances but I just gotta do me right now. And until I find that mythical non-dog fighter woman who likes the movie Anchorman AND walks on the beach, this is me y’all.