Straight Edge Supreme Court Decision Could Overturn Landmark MacKaye vs. Caffeine Case

Posted on by Goodrich Gevaart

WASHINGTON — The Straight Edge Supreme Court will hear arguments this week in the case of Lewis v. Monster Energy which could overturn the landmark MacKaye vs. Caffeine Case as the court’s judges are now a 6-3 Hardline majority.

“I’m not drinking booze or burning coffin nails, I’m just having 13 Monster Energy drinks a day to stay alert,” said Jeff Lewis, drummer in Philadelphia’s xCorrelationx. “I’ve had to defend my personal choices for years and I’ve found myself trying to educate people about what the framers of the straight edge had in mind when they started this great experiment. It will be nice to have the Straight Edge Supreme Court finally weigh in on this important issue. We have a strong case and precedent on our side.”

“The only problem is that my friend Dean slept with two of the newer justice’s girlfriends back in 2017. They have been mean-mugging me this whole time, but I have faith that they will remain impartial,” Lewis added.

Many straight-edgers drink caffeine often and are worried what this court case could mean for their identities.

“This could devastate my family, my business, and all my friends if the court classified caffeine as an edge break,” said Janice Evans, owner of Silverlake’s vegan coffee hotbed Salad Days. “These hardline court justices are taking the rules of straight edge too far! They came from the ‘90s Salt Lake City scene and have a much more strict interpretation of straight edge than most practitioners. Their conservative values don’t represent us. Next thing you know they’ll make the decision ‘girls can’t be straight edge.’”

Straight Edge Supreme Court scholars are already predicting this case will usher in a major shift in the straight edge landscape.

“This is the most Hardline the court has been in its 40 years of existence. Four of the justices are so Hardline that they believe wearing sunscreen is an edge break, and that if you’ve ever kissed someone who had been drinking then you can’t call yourself edge,” said Jimmy O’Leary, a noted zine maker who covers the courts. “On the other side, you have three liberal justices who advocate for topical use of CBD. And two ‘swing’ justices that have more of an old school ‘80s view of straight edge. This is going to be exciting, but if you’re a coffee drinker you might want to stock up now.”

The next case on the Straight Edge Supreme Court docket is Logan v. GT’s Living Foods which will decide whether or not straight edgers can drink the fermented tea which contains 0.5% ABV.

Just Because This Band Meeting Is In The Nice McDonald’s Doesn’t Mean I Won’t Make A Scene

Posted on by Yancy Lee Crawford

Well, here we are, the McDonald’s near the park with all the ducks. No dried smears of ketchup on every other table, no divorced dads fighting over the corner booth so they can have a proper sit-down meal with their kids, nobody trying to sell us dirt weed in the parking lot. Hell they got a working ice cream machine and a table for people with peanut allergies!

Yes sir, no doubt about it, this McDonald’s is the nice McDonald’s. And if you think that’s going to stop me from making a scene when you tell me whatever it is you brought me hear to tell me, you are fucking dreaming.

That’s right, I can smell which way the wind is blowing. Last time we came here was the night you told me about the new guitar player, so forgive me if I smell a fuckin’ trap.

Is this about the new song?

You see I can’t help but thinking that you can’t help but thinking that telling me my 8-minute guitar solo and spoken word passage are cut over a meal at the McCafe with the player piano will stop me from going ape shit Well, you were wrong because I will flip my shit RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW and I’ll start my rampage py punching Mr. Mac Tonight right in his goddamn moon-face so HELP ME GOD!

My contributions to “Fuckhouse Paradise” are important artistic accomplishments, and they will not go quietly into that good night, no Sir! I will make this tray rain cheeseburgers all over this floor without remorse, and I don’t care if any of the Jackson-Hewitt temps pretending to be real CPAs or Kohl’s shift managers in cheap blazers hear me!

Ever since we got those extra drink tickets last month, you guys have gone Hollywood. You might like to eat at the McDonald’s where the Happy Meal toy is from a movie still in the theaters, but I haven’t forgotten where I come from or why I joined this band!

We used to be about THE MUSIC! Give me a regular McDonald’s any day of the week, and I’ll eat with regular, working-class people! This band isn’t an excuse to become out-of-touch rock stars that hang out in the only McDonald’s with a stash of Szechuan Sauce not already pillaged by Rick and Morty fans!

For fuck’s sake, the McRib is somehow always on the menu! Take a look at yourselves, you sorry bunch of sellouts. You ought to be ash–

Hey, why’s there a cake at this table? Ah, shit. It’s Derrick’s birthday isn’t it? Forget I said anything, happy birthday Derrick, best drummer ever!

Porn Parody of Euphoria Much Tamer

Posted on by Sam Eardley

LOS ANGELES — The recently-released porn parody of edgy and controversial teen drama “Euphoria,” titled “Screw-phoria,” is stirring controversy for being “lame” and “weirdly wholesome” compared to the hyper-sexual mainstream show it’s based on, horny sources confirmed.

“So I play teen drug-dealer Fezco,” explained porn actor Rocco Cockslinger, 41. “And to be honest, I‘m shocked by the backlash our little porn is being met with. I thought what we did was pretty hardcore. But apparently, hamfisted references to ‘Euphoria,’ interlaced with sucking, fucking, and facesitting, isn’t enough to satisfy the sick and twisted sensibility of Gen Z. I’m expecting we will make upwards of 100 sequels to this film and I plan on bringing out some sex positions that have been banned in the European Union, if that doesn’t satisfy these degenerates I don’t know what will.”

Despite the criticism of “Screw-phoria,” teenage “Euphoria” obsessive Anaisha Kaur revealed a surprising affection for it.

“After I’ve watched an episode of the real show, my mind is going crazy, like I’m on drugs or something,” said Kaur. “I’m full of this intense, painful love for the characters, I feel their traumas viscerally, my whole body aches, and frankly, I’m as moist as a Clorox wipe inside a bottle of lotion down there. So, I’ve started watching ‘Screw-phoria’ straight afterward to calm me down. Maybe growing up on the Internet has totally desensitized me to porn, but it’s so pleasant and unstimulating and I just let it wash over me. I’ve even started using it in place of my white noise machine at night, and usually I’m asleep before Fezco says ‘climb onto my hog, babycakes – let’s burn rubber.’”

“Screw-phoria” director and self-styled “erotic auteur” Keith Runcible, 63, talked about his other teen drama-inspired parodies, and the similarly tepid receptions they have received.

“Honestly, I despair. I poured my heart and soul into ‘Sweaty & Veronica,’ my back-to-basics porn tribute to ‘Riverdale’ — only for it to be described as ‘cartoonish’,” said Runcible. “Then we made ’69 Reasons Why,’ which accidentally got uploaded to YouTube, and somehow didn’t trigger any content warnings. It’s still up on there — with twelve views and one comment that just says ‘came here with suicidal ideation, left laughing my ass off, thanks, guys.’ Well, I can only hope that we’ll be able to turn things around with the seven other episodes of ‘Screw-phoria’ that we have in the can.”

At press time, it was reported that Rocco Cockslinger had joined the cast of a local production of “Grease,” after his “Screw-phoria” performance had earmarked him as a perfect fit for the role of Kenickie.

Opinion: If She Didn’t Want Me To Air Guitar On Our First Date, She Shouldn’t Have Said Something That Reminded Me Of A Dokken Song

Posted on by Chris Bowen

Okay, I get that the era of the heavy metal guitar god is long gone. That’s why it’s up to dedicated old school metalheads such as myself to keep the flame alive, even if that means interjecting that flame into every single aspect of life. And if people don’t like it, well, they should stop teeing me up so much!

I’ll give you a for-instance. I met this girl on Tinder and we went to a nice Indian restaurant. We got to talking about spicy Indian dishes and she claimed that “Really spicy foods cause some crazy stuff to go on “In My Dreams.” How the hell am I supposed to not respond to that via the majesty of air-shredding?! I Just kept saying in my head, “GOD DAMN that fuckin’ solo on In My Dreams shreds beyond comprehension!” while “dweedly dweedling” with my fingers.

She just looked at me like I was crazy, as if she didn’t force me to do this by saying the words “In My Dreams.” Mixed signals much?

Despite the total mislead on her part, the date went well and after the restaurant we decided to go for a walk along the beach. I got talking about previous relationships I had been in and mentioned how I never really hit it off seriously with other partners, mainly because I believe I’m misunderstood. She made a comment to me along the lines of, “well if It’s Not Love, It’s not love.” Do you, the reader of this article, understand the heaviness of that verse riff?!

I busted out the tweedydys right then and there, the moonlight adding majesty to my already magnificent pretend-shred. I even called her “M’lady” when I was done, and did she swoon? Absolutely not. All of a sudden she “ had a headache” and wanted to go home.

I offered to pay for her Uber ride home. After several attempts to not let me pay, she finally told me her street address: 222 G.Lynch drive. It was basically like a sign from the 80s gods of thunderous riffage telling me that she is the one. I mean, what are the odds of that? Me having Dokken on the brain the entire night, then this girl lives on Lynch Ave?? She even has a fantastic sense of humor telling me, “I have no idea who that is,” and “I think my dad’s said something about that band.” I busted out my imaginary axe and solo’d the whole wait, even after the driver showed up and asked me to stop for some reason.

All in all I had a good feeling that after that night. I think this definitely went more smoothly than the date that I had Scorpions rattling in my brain the entire night.

Metalhead Upset He Has to Show Vaccination Status Before Participating in Wall of Death

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

MESA, Ariz. — Local metal fan and staunch supporter of personality responsibility, Damon Rogalski was visibly annoyed when he was forced to show his vaccination status before wildly hurling himself at a wall of sprinting maniacs, confirmed sources within the venue.

“This is the definition of tyranny. When you buy a ticket to a metal show you sign an invisible contract that says ‘I expect to get hurt, I expect to get beer spilled on me, and I expect to walk out of there with a strange respiratory disease,’” said Rogalski while cramming his vaccine card back in his chain wallet. “Why am I being forced to show strangers my medical records every time there’s a huge mosh part? This is a real slippery slope, soon everyone will need to provide proof they have their flu shot if they want to headbang or a negative HPV test whenever they stagedive, it’s ridiculous.”

Venue staff reported multiple instances where people became violent after being turned away from the pit because they weren’t vaccine compliant.

“The health and safety of our guests and performers is a top priority. We understand that many of the bands on our stage scream about dismembering corpses and eating flesh, but that doesn’t mean they want to be in a room full of COVID spit,” said venue manager Eli Whister. “We have had to eject people and they do not take it lightly. One of our employees was checking vax cards last week and identified it as a forgery. The guy started violently moshing in protest, thankfully he slipped on a puddle of beer and we were able to subdue him and show him to the door.”

Health experts applauded the venue for obeying current CDC guidelines.

“Being vaccinated is the best way to beat back COVID. We have seen a lot of disinformation that says getting vaccinated makes you go bald, or makes you publicly declare your enjoyment of late-era Metallica, and that can be scary for metalheads,” said microbiologist Dr. Carlita Engelheither. “All metal-loving Arizonans can sleep soundly at night knowing the vaccine will not hinder your ability to do figure eights, chug beer like it’s the last day on earth, or grimace during a really sick riff.”

Rogalski was further upset by a new policy passed by the Arizona legislature limiting the length of spikes allowed on gauntlets.

Photo by Jana Miller. 

Punk Adds “Selling Plasma” to Resume

Posted on by Harley Murgatroyd

JACKSONVILLE, Fla. — Local punk Wynn Hall updated their resume yesterday evening to include “selling plasma” following a long history of selling their own bodily fluids for cash.

“I’d say this is the most consistent work I’ve been getting for the last 10 years or so, aside from adopting a new dog and busking around Bourbon street in New Orleans each year during Mardi Gras,” a faint Hall stated while massaging a blood clot in their arm. “It works well for me since there always seems to be a plasma donation center near most trainyards. Between this and selling my hair for cancer people, these white coats can’t seem to get enough of me.”

The Jacksonville Plasma Center confirmed Hall as one of their most loyal patrons, donating up to four times per week, often taking advantage of the friend referral program for a bonus of $200 per head.

“Wynn is certainly a regular donor at our location and their referral service has made our center one of the most successful in Florida. I’m not entirely sure they understand what employment means, but they claim each referral is a ‘new hire’ and I let them call me boss anyways,” CSL plasma phlebotomist Andie Cruz stated. “I wasn’t lying when a potential employer called and asked for a referral regarding their medical knowledge. They’ve memorized every pamphlet we’ve given them and can pinpoint even the most dated diseases with frightening accuracy.”

After changing a blood-soaked bandage on their pulverized left arm, Hall reiterated the significance of their work selling plasma.

“Well, I don’t know what they’re doing with it and I don’t care, but I want to make sure future employers know I put my own partial blood and sweat into my work,” Hall explained. “Not to mention I need them to know I get woozy standing up for long periods of time and might be covered in bruises, so front-of-house work on my feet for longer than 20 minutes is probably not in the cards for me.”

At press time, Hall was seen planning a South American tour of trainyards and plasma centers with money they received from participating in an experimental drug trial.

Hungover Man Searches Through Targeted Ads to Figure Out What He Did Last Night

Posted on by Billy Patterson

ALEXANDRIA, Va. — Local man Greg Fitzwater began scrolling through his targeted ads to try to piece together what happened after waking up from a night of heavy drinking, hungover sources report.

“Luckily my phone does a good job tracking every movement and impulse I have, because I can’t remember a thing from last night,” said Fitzwater, massaging the sides of his head. “Lots of ads for hot singles in my area, so I’m guessing I was either texting my ex or looking up which Walmart near me has ‘Bod’ spray in stock. These eight, 10% off my next purchase at Walmart.com emails suggests the latter. Why am I seeing so many online car retailers? Did I get another bad Uber rating? Oh well, as long as there’s nothing about defense attorneys or penis enlargement pills, I’m not gonna worry.”

Fitzwater’s roommate, Mark Renteria, says that unlike his friend he does not want his phone tracking his drunken exploits.

“I always turn my phone off when we go out. If we’re doing tequila shots, I leave it at home. I never want to search anything that I’ll regret in the morning, because if you watch one Joe Rogan video or Google ‘Botox for men’ one time, your algorithm’s fucked. Being drunk is no excuse—the algorithm knows you were still thinking it, and it won’t let you forget.”

Rebecca Walters, an executive for a large data analytics company, says that phones serve a valuable social function by meticulously tracking user behavior.

“Human beings generate so many thoughts, emotions, desires, and decisions on a daily basis, and our brains are not adequately capable of processing and logging all that data,” she explained. “Whereas the average smartphone has enough computing power to record the brain activity for a thousand people. So instead of racking our brains to remember a conversation from last week, we can scroll Instagram until an ad for rubber bands in bulk jogs our memory. If we’re struggling to send the right text to get out of keeping plans, we can let autofill take over by letting our friends know we ‘can’t do this anymore.’ Having our phones to think for us really is the next step of evolution.”

At press time, Fitzwater worried that he was not recalling an accurate version of the previous night’s events as he had neglected to download his phone’s newest operating system.

We Went To A House Show In Brooklyn And It Still Cost Us $330 Somehow

Posted on by James Knapp

Every once in a while we feel like we have to get back to our roots. It’s become even more important in this time of When We Were Young festivals and Machine Gun Kelly printing his own money (he calls them GunBucks) to remember the sort of independent, budget-less chaos that got us into punk in the first place.

We decided to check out a random house show in the shitiest Bed-Stuy neighborhood we could find and somehow we ended up spending all $300 in petty cash we got from our editor. Well, shit.

We tried to break this down to figure out exactly where the hell our money went, because there is no fucking way that a show featuring the bands Funt Dumpster and Dr. Cheesepenis & The Testicle Informants is the reason why we can’t afford rent this month. For shit’s sake, it was a suggested donation at the door. This is stupid.

Did we spend it at the merch table maybe? When we checked we realized we only bought a patch and two faulty enamel pins that the guy running the table assured us were cruelty-free. So that might have been part of it but definitely not everything.

We ate food at one point. Does food cost $300 in Brooklyn? It wasn’t even good food!

Maybe we spent more on drinks than we had expected. Brooklyn certainly has some expensive bars, but we seriously doubt that a shot and a to-go six-pack of PBRs, which we drank under the L train later, cost us more than our intern makes in two months.

Actually, we did end up buying a shirt too. No wait, never mind, we stole the shirt off that poser we beat up. So really that comes out to more of a net gain in our favor.

Well, we have no idea how we spent so much cash on a small-time DIY show, but at least we were still able to get back to our roots and walk away with some memories. That’s right, just new memories and an eight-ball of cocaine.

Man Who Picks Up Fallen People in Pit Snubbed by Nobel Peace Prize Committee

Posted on by Harley Murgatroyd

ORLANDO — The local scene took notice when highly lauded community hero, Terrence Mann, was left out of those named as 2021 Nobel Peace Prize recipients, overlooking nearly two decades of his quick ability to lift fallen comrades, strangers, and even enemies from mosh pits.

“Terrance was definitely on our radar. Without his efforts, fallen pit goers would certainly be crushed to death in bloody Doc Marten-fueled death spirals, or at least maybe their cigarettes would get smushed,” committee spokesperson Delila Sharpe stated. “Unfortunately, his work was overshadowed by two journalists whose cumulative efforts served to safeguard freedom of expression, which is a precondition for democracy and lasting peace. I don’t personally know what that means, but it looks really good on paper.”

Mann took the snub in stride and downplayed the overall significance of the award in general.

“I mean, if they gave the thing out fairly, it would be more of a bummer, but we all know they don’t. I’m a necessary part of this machine we call punk rock, you know?” said Mann. “I’d still be ready and willing to pick any of those committee members up off the floor if they fell in a mosh pit at a show I was specifically at. No doubt about that. Shit, even Mahatma Gandhi was snubbed for that Nobel P, I guess you can say he and I are kindred spirits in that way. Plus, I don’t eat much meat either, so this is making more and more sense the longer I think about it.”

Locals in the music scene seem to be less than pleased with the snub, suggesting that former Nobel Peace Prize recipients are mostly nerds with weak forearm muscles who don’t understand the meaning of “family.”

“Dude, Terrance took this like a champ. He’s still out there supporting the local scene and picking us up off the floor like no one’s watchin’. I’d like to see even one of those Nobel Peace Prize laureates pick a 200-pound man off the ground before his head is caved in by a boot,” said show regular Tommy Swartz. “Plus, I’ve seen that dude fill up that giant orange water cooler when it was empty and hoist it up on the bar counter like it was nothing, and he’s not even a barback or anything. He just did it because it needed to be done.”

“If coming up with a way to make accelerating chemical reactions more efficient is more worthy of a prize than that, well that prize can just go fuck itself,” he added.

Photo by Jana Miller. 

Please Stop Asking Me About Jimi Hendrix, I’m Just a Guy Wearing a Headband

Posted on by John Hedrick

Woah! What’s with the impromptu music quiz? I’m just minding my own business yet you feel comfortable to come up to me, a stranger, and start talking about Jimi Hendrix. I barely know any of his music! I hate to break it to you but I’m not some Jimi Hendrix superfan. I’m just a guy wearing a headband.

Look, I’m just like any regular Joe. I wake up and put on my purple velvet bell-bottoms and black Chelsea boots one leg at a time, just like the rest of you. I’m a normal guy yet someone always comes up to me and asks, “Hey, do you fuck with The Experience?” To which I consistently answer, “I’ve never seen the Jimi Hendrix Star Spangled Banner Woodstock Performance of 1969 where he symbolically used guitar sounds to recreate bombs dropping. Absolutely, no idea who or what you’re talking about, asshole.”

It happens every day. I can’t stand it. Most of the time I just turn around and walk away. However, when I walk away, I usually whip them with all the fringes from my shirt. It’s embarrassing.

The worst is when I’m tripping on acid. Usually in the morning, I’ll hide a few tabs under my headband and it usually kicks in after I sweat a little bit. But then someone whose face is imploding on itself will come up to me and be like, “That’s a cool Fender Stratocaster you have on your back.” And then I’ll reluctantly play it left-handed. So annoying!

The headband life can be rough but as my favorite artist, Bob Dylan would say, “There must be some way out of here.” Which, to me, means there will always be a light at the end of the tunnel. I will know peace.