Funyuns and Shasta Left Out For Weed Guy

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

BOULDER, Colo. — Potheads across the country are leaving out Funyuns and Shasta for the weed delivery guy as he brings marijuana to all the stoners who have been good this past year, sources report.

“I really hope he drops by tonight and gets me that Watermelon Kush I asked for. I’ve been pretty good this year, so I’m optimistic,” reported one local stoner. “He’s probably got a ton of houses to stop by which is probably why he’s not calling me back, so I figure he’s going to be hungry. The store didn’t have Faygo, but this is just as good. They say he won’t come by until you’ve nodded off on the couch, but I’m so excited for tomorrow, I don’t know how I’m going to get any sleep.”

“I’m just worried that if he thinks I’ve been bad he’ll leave Delta 8,” he added.

Experts state that this is one of many traditions associated with the myth of the Weed Guy that cannabis enthusiasts partake of.

“While Funyuns and Shasta are a popular snack to leave out for the weed guy, the food of choice can vary by region,” noted Scott Beall of Benzinga. “In Maryland, stoners typically leave out Utz Crab Chips and a 40 of Natty Boh, while in California it might be Green Juice and Paleo Puffs. My household’s tradition has typically been Pizza Rolls and Gatorade. When you’re going around the world in one night, you’ll need that protein and the electrolytes for energy. Soda will just make him sluggish and keep swearing he’ll be there in ten minutes.”

When asked for his thoughts on it, the Weed Guy appreciated the gesture but said it wasn’t necessary.

“I don’t eat processed food or refined sugar, so I tend not to eat the stuff people leave out,” he stated. “I’ve got a shit ton of houses to get to and my bike is constantly fucking up so I don’t get high while I’m working, so I’m not really all that hungry anyway. I might take a sip or a couple nibbles as a thank you just so people’s feelings aren’t hurt.”

At press time, most snacks had been consumed by the people who put them there as they realized they should have left them out yesterday.

Photo by Jana Miller.

World Wide Grit Shortage Expected to Halt Hollywood Reboots

Posted on by Ryan Danley

LOS ANGELES — Producers and directors tasked with creating a new batch of reboots were left scrambling to find new ways to express tone in their movies as global grit levels hit record lows, confirmed cocaine-addled sources.

“My new take on Spiderman was going to be amazing. It would feature a more ‘battered by life, balls in the vice-grip’ Peter Parker. We are talking about a guy lost in the bottom of a vodka bottle who had lost everything and was fighting his inner demons as much as he was fighting villains,” said director Jon Watts. “But then we got hit with the grit shortage, and poof…the movie now has him paired with an animated martian played by Kevin Hart looking for a magical amulet that unlocks the secrets of the U.S. Constitution. When the first Batman film came out we had a grit surplus. By the time we got to Robert Pattison’s Batman we were literally scraping it out of the bottom of the barrel.”

Devin Sanders, President of The Organization Of Grit Resources and Exports(OGRE) warns that this problem is only just beginning.

“We had been telling Hollywood for years. But they never wanted to listen. Nothing was going to get in the way of giving the Joker face tattoos. Most people don’t even realize we’ve been reliant on Russian Grit since the late ‘90s,” said Sanders. “I mean there’s no resource you can just go to time and time again. When we will learn this as a species. There’s a gritty reboot of the damn Archie Comic for christ’s sake. What did they think was going to happen? It seems we flew too close to the sun on wings of grit. ”

While many have been left to wonder what the future may hold, cinema historians believe the movie industry will adjust.

“You think this grit thing is bad, you should have seen the ‘Moxie’ shortage of 1946. See, most of America’s moxie got shipped to the South Pacific to help our boys fighting Tojo. Sure, it was great for the troops, but it really put a damper on the movie biz,” said President of Movie Archives, Spencer Hudson. They tried to make up for the lack of moxie with some imported Canadian pizazz, but it just wasn’t the same. The shortage pretty much killed the noir genre, and gave rise to musicals.”

At press time, the FBI has noted a staggering increase in “imitation grit” being sold on the dark web and warned the film industry to avoid it, as it is primarily baby powder, pep, and fentanyl.

Body-Inclusive Clothing Line Features Models with Blown-Out Lobes

Posted on by Courtney Paige Barnett

LOS ANGELES – Rising Millennial and Gen Z clothing brand Figure Four is dedicated to featuring models of all sizes, skin tones, and even some with blown-out ear lobes that are so damaged even the best plastic surgeons in the country would have trouble fixing them.

“As an inclusive brand, it’s important that we feature all bodies, even ones whose flaws are the person’s own fault because they thought it would look cool in 2009,” said Figure Four CEO Rafa Salazar. “We want our clothes to show that everyone is beautiful, even the people that give me the heeby-jeebies when I see how their ears dangle and flap around whenever they walk. We are all about transparency, and we want to be as see-through as their weird damaged ears.”

Amongst the new lineup of model talent is Blake Howard, who stretched his ears too quickly during a regrettable metalcore phase in high school.

“It’s cool to be a part of a positive change. I want to inspire others with my story and show that even if you went overboard with gauged ears, and have multiple nautical tattoos, you can be proud and comfortable in your stretched skin,” said Howard while listening to the latest Acacia Strain album. “Who woulda thought not taking care of my body correctly would’ve paid off? Definitely not all the girls who tell me my giant keloids were a turnoff. But lots of babes wanna touch my lumpy danglies now!”

Customer feedback has been overwhelmingly positive, as former members of the 00s screamo and metalcore scenes now see themselves represented in the brand and feel comfortable purchasing from the Figure Four website.

“It’s a relief to see a body like mine represented in fashion,” said Melanie Hargrove, a former scenester who, through youthful impatience and poor hygiene, has lived with blown-out lobes since ‘08. “I bought a cardigan because their models helped me to see what a person who made the same stupid decisions as me looked like wearing that particular cardigan. When I saw their models proudly displaying their gross ass ears I didn’t gag once. This clothing actually made them look presentable. It almost made me want to dye my hair black and get the ‘Amelie’ haircut again.”

With all-time high sales this past quarter, Figure Four hopes to someday expand its portfolio to include people with botched Spring Break tramp stamps.

Check Out This Asshole! He Likes a Slightly Different Subgenre of the Extremely Specific Music We Both Love

Posted on by Matt McInerney

Can you believe this asshole? Sitting there like an idiot, playing that alt nu-metal garbage on repeat again. You can practically hear the band’s soul patches pouring through his speakers. This dumbass wouldn’t know good metal if it bit him in the dick. He probably doesn’t even know what funeral doom is.

Basically everything this guy does is wrong. He calls himself a metalhead but I bet you can’t find one album in his collection that isn’t just butt rock with a Hot Topic twist. The one time I tried to educate this lost soul, I sat him down in my cubicle to enjoy a 63-minute drone masterpiece together. The shithead listened quietly for 25 minutes max before telling me he has to leave for a meeting. What a fucking dick.

He also endlessly quotes Michael Scott. So annoying. But when I do a funnier David Brent line, he looks confused. On top of that, he didn’t even get the reference when I put his stapler in jelly. The jackass kept laughing and calling it ‘Jell-O.’

And have you seen him around the kitchenette? He keeps the weirdest food in the pantry. One time I spotted him eating a Boston Creme Pop-Tart. First of all, I didn’t even know they make that flavor. Second of all, yuck! Everyone knows S’mores are the only good kind.

Then the other day I was playing Magic by myself in the break room when he comes over holding some dumbass card, asking if I’m playing Pokémon… a fucking children’s game. I tried explaining that Magic the Gathering is far superior, how they control the value of cards and preserve the sanctity of the game, but he was too distracted by his foil Chamillionaire or whatever. This clown probably can’t even play with his $20,000 card.

I’d sooner kill myself than hang out with a guy who thinks birch beer is as good as root beer and decided to buy his Crosstrek in orange. The only positive thing I can think of about this asshole is that at least when I park my Crosstrek near his I can tell them apart by that hideous color. God, can you imagine being stuck in his ugly ass car, probably forced to listen to the stupid songs that Spotify keeps suggesting to me? What a nightmare. You can’t get me far enough away from this weirdo.

Man in Audience Way Too Proud After Picking Up Singer’s Knocked Over Mic Stand

Posted on by Amber Scala

VENTURA, Calif. — 30-year-old Magnus Hahn made last night’s show all about him after picking up the Faulty Mechanics singer’s knocked over mic stand in the middle of the set.

“I was just doing what anyone would do in that situation,” shared a beaming Hahn as he looked off into the distance recalling the memory. “What a rush. As soon as I heard the intro to ‘Nuts and Bolts,’ I knew the mic stand was going to be threatened, and had no choice but to brave my way through the windmill kicks for the rescue. Once it was safely in my hands, I looked around and saw that most people were smiling. It’s kind of embarrassing getting that much attention, that’s not why I do it, but clearly they witnessed the sacrifice I had made.”

Faulty Mechanics singer Jay Mandegary does not recall the situation at all.

“I was trying to move my gear so the next band could get set up, and some guy kept appearing next to me, nodding and saying ‘No problem, man. We gotta work together to keep the scene safe,’” he said. “I thought he was the dude who picked up the girl who broke her nose in the middle of our set, but apparently that guy left to accompany her to the hospital. Maybe he’s the dude who’s house we crashed at. I have no idea.”

Hahn’s girlfriend Claire Groverton confirmed that this isn’t the first time Hahn was left with a disproportionate amount of pride over what is ultimately nothing.

“Last week we were at Starbucks and the lady in front of us was short a quarter. After rummaging through my coin purse, he handed the barista the needed change, and then asked the lady if she wanted a picture with him to remember the moment,” she recalled. “He kept referring to the band as ‘the guys’ for the rest of the night, and still keeps finding ways to drop hints that I didn’t capture any footage of his ‘big save.’ I’d break up with him now but his birthday is in two weeks so I’ll just feel like a dick unless I wait.”

At press time, Hahn has been spotted at multiple shows setting traffic cones around the PA speakers even though no one asked him to.

Photo by Jana Miller. 

Here’s How I Turned My Passion Into A Career By Selling Nylon-covered Mannequin Legs Out Of A Dirty Tent Next To The Highway

Posted on by James Knapp

When someone is committed to following their dreams no amount of psychiatric intervention can stop them. Which is why today I am the proud owner of a soiled tent that I found at the bus station and two dozen nylon-covered mannequin legs which I have been selling from the side of the I-83 off ramp.

Most called me crazy when I finally decided to leave the daily grind behind and go into business for myself – some so passionately in fact that they insisted I be “institutionalized so as to not actively harm the social contract.”

For as long as I can remember, which oddly is not anytime before I became engrossed in a very specific genre of erotic documentary, my passion has always been for the sensual application of artificial stockings to a department store mannequin – preferably while I secretly watch, concealed in a sweatpants display somewhere in the active-wear section.

And now I’m ready for everyone else to experience the same passion that I do whenever I slip a lacy little thing over those hard, silicon calves. A passion that makes you feel warm and damp and just like you wanna put your tongue on stuff. That’s the dream!

Now admittedly, sales have been a little slow starting out. That’s just the reality of starting any small business in this sort of economy. Fortunately, I’ve been able to keep overhead costs low by acquiring most of my merchandise from the dumpster behind JCPenney. Also I sold some of my teeth to Kenny The Suck, who sells pointy blowjobs on the other side of the same highway. How’s that for building a business community?

I believe in this country. I believe in free enterprise. I am proud to live in a country where a man can turn his perverse sexual fixation into a thriving business.

Just the other day I had a customer who seemed really interested in buying one of my fine, salty, slightly blood-covered mannequin legs right before they maced me through the window of their Corolla. But my heart is still in it – I just may have to tweak the business model a bit.

I’m flexible, but there is one rule I simply wont budge on: Do not use these legs to build one of the lamps from “A Christmas Story.” They’re not for that! They’re for sex things.

Tearful Hans Zimmer Pushes Off Ska Album Again After Getting Hired to Compose Another Dumb Movie Score

Posted on by Jonah Nink

LOS ANGELES — A discouraged Hans Zimmer closed out the GarageBand tab on his long-delayed ska album to begin work on another stupid movie score late yesterday morning, ska-loving sources confirmed.

“It’s been my dream to record a ska album, but it seems like every year I get hired to compose for some dumbass movie,” said Zimmer. “Ska is why I got into music in the first place. Composing for Hollywood blockbusters is just a day job. Every time I finish a movie I think ‘now I finally have time to start the album,’ but then I’ll get an email saying ‘Hey Hans, we need you to do another ‘Pirates of the Caribbean’ movie.’ It sucks. I just want to dance and play the trombone in a band with twenty guys like any other Academy Award-winning composer.”

Director Denis Villeneuve said that Zimmer seemed distracted while scoring the film’s soundtrack.

“I’d tell him how I want the music to sound and he’d nod, but it was obvious his mind was elsewhere,” said Villeneuve. “This giant CGI sandworm cost millions and took 8,000 man-hours to animate, and he scored it with upbeat trumpets? We only had a couple days to record an entire new soundtrack, so Hans recorded himself singing in the shower and added a ton of reverb. Surprisingly, that new soundtrack is on track to win an Oscar. I still won’t be working with him again.”

Despite criticism from collaborators, Zimmer has shared demos of the album in works with his colleagues to great delight.

“Zimmer’s shit fucking rips, dude,” said ‘Star Wars’ composer John Williams. “Less Than Jake? Goldfinger? Reel Big Fish? Those motherfuckers can’t hold a candle to some of the demos that the Hansmeister has shown me. It’s a shame he hasn’t had a chance to finish the songs, but I know how it goes. My two-piece slam metal band “Shitfuck” had an EP in the works, but then Disney bought Star Wars and I had to compose for all those dumb new movies. Sure the new trilogy is over, but now I have to wait until my drummer finishes his community service hours to work on the songs again.”

At press time, sources reported seeing Zimmer try to convince Ridley Scott to let him put a trumpet breakdown in the ‘Gladiator 2’ soundtrack.

Male Aggression Is Toxic and Dangerous. Unless He’s Holding a Guitar, at Which Point I Am Completely Turned On

Posted on by Courtney Paige Barnett

As a modern woman, I don’t adhere to the patriarchal system that positions men as the dominant gender just because of their testosterone-fueled aggression. Humans have evolved past the need for physical strength to be of higher value and any man that chooses to address me by flashing his aggressive masculinity like a neon sign will receive no reaction from me. But if he’s got a guttural scream and an instrument in his hands? Uh oh. Mama likey!

If you find this contradictory, I assure you this does not come without a personal internal conflict. How can I hate emotional displays of unhinged maleness while simultaneously celebrating them? Well, it’s kind of like what makes me love hardcore. A man screaming in my face for taking the Trader Joe’s parking spot he wanted is a display of self-centeredness and a lack of emotional empathy. A man screaming in my face from a stage telling me to get this fucking pit started? That’s passion. Also, it leads to sweaty skin-to-skin contact. Chances are he also has lots of tattoos which makes it extremely sexy and I’m willing to do whatever he says.

It’s all about context. One context makes me want to wipe an entire gender off the planet and the other makes me want to hold him and tell him it’s okay and that he had a great set.

Accessorize any man with a musical tool and it turns his anger into theater. What I would normally view as aggressive red flags become high-volume expressions of isolation, vulnerability, and righteous anguish. Turn a Reddit rant into a hardcore song and you’ve got yourself a bop.

If you’re a woman who feels these things, know that you’re not alone. And if you’re a dude who fits these criteria, oh hey what’s up?

​​Punk Venue Accused of Falsifying Health Code Violations

Posted on by John Danek

SANTA FE, N.M. – Punk bar and venue Wrench, a relative newcomer to the Santa Fe punk scene, was accused of fabricating multiple health code violations all in the name of establishing a gritty sense of street cred, disgusted patrons reported.

“Wrench has been claiming that the Health Department logged over eleven health code violations in their first four months of operation. I work at City Hall and can only find A+ inspection results across the board. There is even one note from an inspector that says ‘very polite, punctual, and well groomed’ in regards to venue management,” stated an anonymous whistleblower, who claims to work for Santa Fe to take the city down from the inside. “There is no evidence that there has even been a spot of mold in the venue. Patrick Klimpt, the owner, is clearly lying to hide the fact that he is a poser. It makes you wonder what else he’s been lying about, he’s been claiming he did merch for Capitalist Casualties in the 90s, but now that sounds like a crock of shit.”

Venue staff has rebuffed these leaks and claims that all patrons should expect to contract a contagious airborne disease while in the establishment.

“Clearly, I have enemies who are trying to slander my venue’s bad name,” said Klimpt, who denies that he’s the same Patrick Klimpt that played in Simple Plan’s touring band for years. “I don’t know what to tell you — Wrench is disgusting. Every time I walk in and turn the lights on I puke my ass off and then just leave it there. There is rat shit everywhere, fire marshall violations, a leaky roof, and faulty wiring all over the place. It’s a deathtrap and only real punks would even bother to step foot inside.”

Veteran health inspector Rhonda Lindenwood is no stranger to establishments attempting to hide the reality of their conditions.

“It happens all the time, especially in the aftermath of the COVID pandemic. Venues are always trying to alter the public’s perception of their inspection results,” explained Lindenwood, who has inspected Santa Fe businesses for over 24 years. “But legally, Wrench has to display the A+ certification they earned. Cleverly, they do it by making it the first letter of an ACAB poster so no one suspects it’s really a passing grade. They’re probably just trying to hide the fact that they took government bailout money. That’s not very punk, is it?”

Klimpt’s situation worsened, as sleuths leaked that some of the scars on his face and forehead may just be incredibly realistic tattoos.

Review: King Diamond “Voodoo”

Posted on by Colleen Nerney

Each Sunday, The Hard Times travels back and reviews a notable album from the past. This week we cover King Diamond’s 1998 concept album “Voodoo” and it didn’t go as planned.

No one does a concept album quite like Danish heavy metal mainstays King Diamond. Their eponymous frontman’s signature multi-octave vocals lend themselves well to sprawling, fantastical tales. Although I am familiar with their breakout album “Abigail,” I’ve somehow managed to never hear “Voodoo.”. I picked up a copy on CD, as I feel like everything from that era is really meant to be played over shitty car speakers at max volume. Really suits the experience, you know? So I hopped in my literally decaying Honda CR-V and prepared myself mentally for an hour-long joyride with the Scandinavian legends.

“Voodoo” is a decidedly ‘80s throwback in the years where grunge reigned supreme, full of wild guitar solos (including one on the title track by Pantera superstar Dimebag Darrell) and soaring harmonies. Plot-wise, “Voodoo” takes place in 1930s Baton Rouge, and the moment I began my listen, I could feel myself being transported to that exact place and time.

And by transported, I mean literally. I was in my car in Pittsburgh, and two chords into “Louisiana Darkness,” I was suddenly sitting in a Hoover Wagon in the fucking bayou. As I write this, it’s oppressively hot, damp, and the driver keeps referring to me as “the Missus.”

This swamp atmosphere is effectin’ me, I can tell. I feel the need to pontificate, elaborate, speak in such a slow and pronounced Southern drawl that I fret I may not recover. I do fear, my most beloved readers, that I may ne’er escape my predicament, ne’er return to my homeland of Yinz.

The sun has set, and the path ahead, lit only by the oil lamp of the carriage, grows dim. Oh, lord help me. I see a great hulking man approachin’ my carriage, his eyes aglow with the light of the Devil himself. And—oh, my stars—he’s carrying some sort of strange guitar, brightly colored and electrified.

“I’m Dimebag Fucking Darrell,” he hissed, his words spoken backwards, before ripping into a truly Satanic bout of what a modern woman, unlike myself, may call “shredding.” My heavens!

SCORE: 3 out of 4 problematic depictions of ancestral voodoo practitioners

/**/

Stay Updated on The Latest Punk News

Get the latest punk news delivered straight to your inbox

We'll store and process this information to provide you our products and services. You may opt out of this at any time.