Kyle Gordon Stanley, Author at HARDTIMES

How To Remove an Easter Egg From Your Ass Without Breaking It

Posted on April 17, 2022 by Krissy Howard

It’s that time of year again, when chocolate bunnies are eaten and colorful eggs are hidden all around the home for children to find with surprise and delight. For many people, getting one of those holiday eggs lodged into their anal cavity for hours or even days at a time is a reality that can come with many problems. Removing an Easter egg from your ass can be done effectively and safely, allowing you to reuse it the following year.

So if you want to avoid a trip to the emergency room where you have to explain that you have another egg up your ass that you wish to keep in one piece, we have a few tips and tricks to get that sucker out of there:

Step 1: Don’t panic.

The first step in removing an Easter egg from your asshole without breaking it into a million shitty pieces is to keep calm and collected. You can do this with deep breathing exercises, 50 minutes of silent meditation, or by enjoying the pastel coloring of any of the eggs you somehow resisted sticking up your own ass.

Step 2: Pray to the god of your understanding.

Next, travel to your nearest beach, forest, or other secluded areas, and slowly lower yourself down until you are planted firmly on your knees. Then, start praying to something holy and incredibly forgiving. If it gets you out of this without you having to repaint your egg again, promise it you will donate money to a homeless person for now.

Step 3: Prepare your anus.

Without getting up, roll onto your back. Then, remove the speculum from the keyring in your pocket and apply water-based lubricant to it, as well as all over your asshole and into your mouth (what the hell, it’s the weekend!) Holding the speculum in front of your face, open and close it, using the power of visualization to imagine that this is what your butthole will do when it’s time to push the egg out.

Step 4: Coax the egg out.

Now, place three to five sunflower seeds at the entrance of your asshole, which will entice the unlucky guinea pig you keep up there to venture outward, pushing the egg out of its way, and out of your ass while it’s at it. Finally, thank the guinea pig, then remind him that the rental agreement you left in his mailbox a few months ago isn’t going to sign itself.

Step 5: Refrigerate the egg.

Now that the egg has been removed from your ass, place it in an airtight container and keep it refrigerated. Being as discreet as possible, mark the egg to prevent a loved one or roommate from accidentally ingesting it. To avoid such a mishap in the future, you can invest in plastic Easter eggs, which you can break because they make a billion of those things so NBD.

11 Springtime Combat Boots That Say “Rail Me In This Sundress”

Posted on April 16, 2022December 9, 2025 by Josephine Ramos

Spring is finally in full bloom and combat boots are the hottest trend of the season. Here are 10 styles of combat boots that are sure to get you laid.

A punk fashion staple and German Military WWII Uniform requirement, these sexy Doc Martens can be worn with any springtime dress. Step aside Dr. Klaus Martën, the alternative crowd is reclaiming this iconic look! Pair these with any dress and your lover is sure to swoon.

Over-the-Knee Combat Boots

Are your legs ashier than Grandma? No worries! This over-the-knee look conceals your disgusting flaky skin that would otherwise blind any admirers of your outfit. These thigh-high boots are hot, sexy, and seductive without showing off too much ankle action. These combat boots come in jet-black with extra shoelace grommets for shin ventilation and an added industrial look!

Leather Platform Boots

A pump, a platform shoe, and a combat boot all rolled into one sexy set of leather panty-droppers. No matter your height, these boots help show off your beauty from head to toe. With a six-inch heel, these kicks can give you a vertical boost to smooch that extra hunky, extra tall lover of yours. Or Bigfoot. He’s like 6’7”, I think. Either way, you’ll be able to give them a kiss on the lips.

Red Plaid Boots

For all your kilty pleasures.

Chunky Buckle Boots

It’s no secret that buckles are coming back in a big way. These leather boots exude raw sex appeal by incorporating the most erotic part of a pilgrims hat into your everyday look. With these sexy black boots, you will have a great night out with the extra security that comes with a backup to your flimsy inferior shoelaces.

Jelly Clear Boots

Everyone can agree on one thing. The worst part about wearing boots is having to hide your top ten sexiest money makers. With these revolutionary shoes, you will no longer need to choose between the practical lifestyle of sturdy boots and the glamorous life of the foot slut you clearly are. Put your beautiful toes on display for the world with these haute boots!

Chunkier Boots with Even More Buckles

What’s sexier than a boot with buckles?! A boot with even more buckles! With aluminum grommets galore and a three-inch platform, these bad boys can be styled with anything. These six buckles will blow your socks right off your supple, delicate feet. Are you seeing this shit? Six. Buckles. Absolutely incredible.

White Lace Boots

Let your delicate side free with these stunning lace boots. Match these with your finest handkerchief to show your suitor that you’re classy, elegant, and ready to get railed like a Victorian woman after the bubonic plague.

Chunkiest Boots with the Most Buckles

Holy shit! I am physically shaking and foaming at the mouth as I am so overwhelmed with the sheer number of buckles on these shoes. This number of buckles will be sure to give you the power of eight men all wearing one-buckled shoes. You’ll be the one doing the railing around here when you’re wearing these empowering boots.

Pink Valentine Boots

Adorned with saucy valentines sayings, these pretty pink boots can turn on any suitor. Show the world that you’re fully prepared to embrace your sexuality right here, right now in this Payless ShoeSource Parking lot. Some may argue that these technically aren’t combat boots, but they’re definitely horny enough to get you laid.

Purple Yin Yang Boots

What’s an easier way of saying, “I’m DTF and have literally no idea what Taoism is” than these spunky Yin Yang boots? Match your sleazy white uncle’s bicep tattoo with the symbol of inner peace, or something like that. Comfortable, sturdy, and bold, these boots can proudly show off your favorite wingding character.

Band’s Hot Sauce Outsells Records

Posted on April 16, 2022 by Chris Bowen

BUFFALO, N.Y. – Local Punk band Chaos Vacation are in a state of disarray after realizing their frontman’s line of hot sauce is much more of a popular seller than any of their records, confirmed sources enjoying a burger topped with the signature condiment.

“I spend most of my time perfecting my recipe, and the band is sort of an afterthought,” said vocalist Gary “Gangrene” Ross as he chopped up a fresh batch of Carolina reaper peppers. “Half of the lyrics from our last album were hastily written in the studio and even those are largely influenced by hot sauce. I want what’s best for the band, but also I really want to have my sauce on ‘Hot Ones!’ I have boxes and boxes of our LPs piled in my garage, we can’t even give those fuckers away. But there is always a line around the venue to get their hands on some of the hot sauce.”

Sarah Hansen, a veteran in the Buffalo punk scene, weighed in on the band’s lackluster music and more than adequate sauce.

“Chaos Vacation is pretty much a laughing stock, but I’d drown all seven of my cats in the river for a bottle of their Spider Sauce,” said Hansen over the clanking of her armful of sauce bottles.“I just wish they’d get the hint and stick bottles of that stuff on their Bandcamp page to make it a little more convenient, but I’ll still make a three-hour trek just to get it. It really is that good. So good I even tolerate their creepy guitarist trying to get me to snort coke in the back room with him every show.”

Hot sauce connoisseur, Todd Beckley, encouraged more bands to create their own brand of sauces.

“Dude, we live in a time where hot sauce is king,” said Beckley. “Some of the stuff I like to suck straight from the bottle is like high octane jet fuel type shit. I’ve tried stuff this band Bloody Porridge made and it was good. Real good. Made me almost go into cardiac arrest. As a matter of fact, I think all bands need to ditch making music and focus on making fiery, non-pleasurable, and just simply uncomfortable-to-put-in-your-mouth sauces.”

At press time, Ross rolled out his plan to sell his wife’s homemade summer sausage at the Chaos Vacation merch table at an upcoming three-day punk fest.

We Hear You: After A Decades Long Tirade Of Complaints About Our Dehumanizing Corporate Culture, We’re Raising Our Starting Wage By 48 Cents Per Hour

Posted on April 16, 2022 by Dan Rice

We’ve heard your phone calls, read your emails, and crossed your picket lines. We’ve attended all of the meetings with all of your lawyers about all of the labor laws we’ve violated. We hear you.

In recent decades, rumors have circulated regarding our “inhumane” labor practices. We’ve all heard the horror stories of workers peeing in coffee cans, factory floor suicides and single mothers slaving away 80 hours a week for us just to keep a roof over their heads. These rumors, bolstered by cancel culture and facts, have hurt us tremendously.

The people have spoken, and something needs to be done. According to our team of economists, psychologists and marketing strategists, that something is a 48 cent per hour increase of our starting wage with a firm commitment to a rollout date of TBD.

The PickOne corporation was founded on two main guiding principles:

1. A merger of the world’s biggest shipping companies, retail outlets, aerospace companies and weapons manufacturers will create an organization with more influence over world events than any democratically elected leadership body in history.

2. People matter.

Take a look at that second one. Saying we care about people is the second most important thing we do.

We’ve analyzed the data, done the math, and found this to be the cheapest possible way to alter public perception of our brand by a percentage that suits our agenda. It’s our way of giving back.

Let me tell you a personal anecdote that will humanize me the author and make you more receptive to my message. The other day I stepped out of my limo and there, sitting on the steps of our headquarters, was a man. The man was very poor and dirty. Despite this, I looked at him, and I sort of thought to myself “You know, we’re both people I guess.” I found myself thinking about him long after I had him removed.

The wage increase is only the first of many changes we’ll be making to better the quality of life for all of our employees. It’s not of course, this will be it for some time, but we do get points for saying that.

At PickOne we believe that you believe that none of our employees should have to choose between paying rent and taking their child to the doctor. With our wage increase they won’t have to, provided they skip lunch for a week or two, which they could totally stand to do! Have you seen these people? Chunk city.

It is our hope that this benevolent compromise will help all of us circumvent the scourge of unionization that has plagued our great nation since the 1940s. On behalf of the entire PickOne senior management family, we are sorry that you chose to be hurt by our labor practices, and you’re welcome

Also, if you ever have to make a public apology for work, just google “public apology templates” on the image search and you’ll find a lot of helpful outlines. This was way easier than I thought, and it came out pretty good!

Band Sits Down Drummer to Tell Him Bassist is Going to a Nice Farm Upstate

Posted on April 16, 2022 by Allegra Ringo

RYE, N.Y. — Punk band Minor Nasty sat down their drummer and gently told him that their bassist was going to a nice farm upstate where he’d have lots of room to run around and play, according to sources.

“I know it’s cowardly, but I couldn’t bear to tell Anthony [Briggs] the truth,” singer Louise Weis said tearfully, of the decision she and her bandmates made to part ways with bassist Lawrence Alvarado. “He’s a very sensitive boy. But Lawrence’s insistence on writing one song for the new album proved to be chronic, and once we realized there was no hope of his skill level or taste level ever improving, we knew this was the more humane choice over just not telling him when and where band practice is anymore.”

Fellow band members agreed that their time with Alvarado simply didn’t work out.

“I mean, we found him on Craigslist,” said second guitarist Craig Watley. “We needed a bassist and someone said we could ‘come get him’ from behind an abandoned building. I don’t want to say bassists like this are damaged goods or whatever, but is it any wonder he could only play three notes? Either way, it’ll be hard on Tony because he basically grew up with Lawrence, and drummers just don’t have the emotional maturity that the rest of us do. It’s hard for them to hear that their bassist got kicked out of the band because he sucked, or, I don’t know, maybe that asshole slept with another band member’s ex. Just saying.”

For his part, drummer Anthony Briggs was caught off guard but ultimately accepted the news.

“Lawrence usually greets me at the door when I get to band practice,” said Briggs, while trying unsuccessfully to poke the straw into a Capri Sun. “But my bandmates said he had to go to a big farm really far away. I was sad, but they said he has more freedom there to play really long bass solos using his three favorite notes. I will miss him, he was my best friend.”

At press time, members of the band were hopeful that they could distract Briggs by replacing Alvarado with a younger, healthier bassist.

Image by Jana Miller.

The Human Shazam: Play Any Song and in Less Than a Second This Asshole Will Tell You Who They Ripped Off

Posted on April 15, 2022 by Sam Eardley

Meet Roger Nunce. He has one very particular skill and he’s using it to make the world just a little bit worse for the people around him. We all know about using the Shazam app to identify a song within moments. But if you’re a friend, coworker, or unfortunate bar patron who happens to be sitting within earshot of Roger Nunce, you’ll bear witness to what some are calling, “The Human Shazam.” Except Roger won’t tell you what song is playing. But he will gladly tell you which song it’s ripping off.

We invited Roger in to demonstrate his prowess. We played him a random section from three songs and, within moments, he was able to ruin them forever.

Green Day – “Basket Case” (1994)
0.367 seconds
“Yeah, yeah, we all know this one. What a rip. The thing about Green Day is that their music is directly stolen from two bands: The Clash and Stiff Little Fingers. Not a lot of people know that. But I do. Because I watched ‘High Fidelity.’ It’s the only part I remember. Next!”

Mitski – “Me and My Husband” (2018)
0.981 seconds
“Alright, this one’s a bit tricker. This band is clearly just a carbon copy of the Breeders. It’s ripping off their whole vibe. Nothing new here.”

Busta Rhymes – “Woo Hah!! Got You All In Check” (1996)
1.179 seconds
“Can’t tell you who this is but it’s definitely just another Eminem clone. Very boring.”

Nunce and his kind will be appearing in bars and restaurants nationwide between now and the end of time.

The Human Shazam: Play Any Song and in Less Than a Second This Asshole Will Tell You Who They Ripped Off

Posted on April 15, 2022 by Sam Eardley

We invited Roger in to demonstrate his prowess. We played him a random section from three songs and, within moments, he was able to ruin them forever.

Busta Rhymes – “Woo Hah!! Got You All In Check” (1996)
1.179 seconds
“Can’t tell you who this is but it’s definitely just another Eminem clone. Very boring.”

Nunce and his kind will be appearing in bars and restaurants nationwide between now and the end of time.

Desperate Catholic Church Willing to Accept Dream Theater Fandom in Place of Vow of Celibacy

Posted on April 15, 2022 by John Danek

VATICAN CITY – The Catholic Church announced a new effort in which it will attempt to grow its ever-dwindling priest population by accepting a public display of fandom to prog-metal titans Dream Theater fandom in place of its usual vow of celibacy for new priests.

“Priesthood used to be a highly prestigious career. But thanks to a variety of societal shifts and some, small, mostly exaggerated, legal dustups over the past 20 years we haven’t seen as many people called by God to be priests,” stated Cardinal Juan Peña, who was reportedly moved between parishes approximately 16 times before becoming a Cardinal. “But to fix the problem, we are loosening some of our requirements for the priesthood. If you have attended at least two Dream Theater concerts and posted on Facebook about your love of the band, you don’t have to take the traditional vow of celibacy. They’re functionally equivalent anyways.”

Dream Theater fans are surprisingly jumping at the invite from the Holy See.

“I thought I would have to be satisfied simply judging people for their music tastes all my life- turns out I can judge their souls too? Sign me up,” said hardcore Dream Theater fan and permanent virgin Derek Kreiss. “Most employers don’t understand my skillset anyway. Every interview I’ve had involves me explaining how I can air drum to all 24 minutes of ‘Octavarium.’ No interviewer can fathom that level of talent so I leave. It’s nice that there is an institution that finally appreciates my abilities, unlike every person I’ve ever asked out on a date.”

Members of Dream Theater reacted with confusion and offense to the Vatican’s announcement.

“What the heck? I’ve almost had sex at least two times during my tenure with Dream Theater!” explained frontman James LaBrie. “Once, in 1998, I made eye contact with a woman backstage and it was electric. You could tell she was totally down but then her stupid girlfriend walked over and they left holding hands. I was THIS close. So I don’t really get this whole priest thing. But reviewers have compared some of our albums to sitting through an entire mass so I guess it makes sense.”

When asked if the Church would allow female Dream Theater fan to become priests, Cardinal Peña reportedly responded by saying “Ha ha ha, fuck no.”

/**/

Opinion: Religion Is Made Up Bullshit That Only An INFJ, Sagittarius, Enneagram Type 4 Would Believe

Posted on April 15, 2022 by Bobby Korec

Can you believe it? It’s 2022 and there are still people who think religion is legit. Well, not everyone. Some of us know that it’s all hogwash. Especially those of us that are INTPs. We can easily separate the bull from the bullshit.

Now that I mention it, Enneagram Type 6 also knows what’s what. Raise your hands if that’s you. Congratulations, you’re like me and can see right through the fact that a bunch of dudes wrote the Bible like 100 years ago. It wasn’t Jesus’ intern like they’d have us believe. I feel bad for someone like an Enneagram Type 4 who falls for pretty much every made up thing under the sun, like religion. Sucks to be you.

I mean, just today my horoscope said, “You’re likely to find people somewhat irritating today.” And hoo boy, nothing is more true than that. I just have no patience for anyone that is an Aries today. They seriously believe the earth is round. Unbelievable.

I’m sorry but anyone who can’t see through the bullshit that is Judeo-Christian faith needs to align their chakras, reconcile traumas from their past lives, and start carrying an onyx pebble in their pocket to absorb their negativity.

And don’t get me started on every single Sagittarius out there. They’re a bunch of batshit churchgoers who really believe there’s an old man with a bushy white beard sitting in a cloud in the sky judging our every move. I mean, if God were real, why would he sit back and let children get cancer, permit unjust wars to happen, and allow ENFJs to even exist? So cruel.

Sure, it may sound like my mercury is in retrograde today. But I assure you, I did my 30-minute healing crystal ritual this morning like I do every day. Sometimes it just takes my aura a few hours to get on track. Could also be a case of the Mondays.

Just because millions of people throughout history believe a certain ideology and claim it helps them make sense and navigate through the existential dread parts of life doesn’t make it right. Hell, even someone who got the dreaded “Rachel” as their “Which Friends Character Are You?” Buzzfeed quiz answers should know better.

Band Meeting Turns Into Four-Hour Lecture On Cable Management

Posted on April 15, 2022 by Robert John Scucci

DENVER — Members of local band Shady Hoops are grinding their teeth as their band meeting devolved into an unending lecture about proper cable management from their guitarist, sources that are very late to work confirmed.

“It’s not my fault that everybody is fucking up so bad,” said guitarist Clyde Burns as he meticulously lined up various cables for inspection. “We lost two patch cables and an XLR cable at our last show, and we need a better system. Daisy chains don’t grow on trees, you know. Color coding by cable type, length, wrapping material, and AWG isn’t enough. We need to have a bag for our rehearsal space, venues with or without a backline, and an additional ‘go bag’ for any cable emergencies that might come up. A band is only as good as its cables. We need to stop getting in the way of ourselves if we want to succeed.”

Drummer Brian Johnstone expressed frustration due to the nature of the band meeting and his own role in the band.

“The two-hour PowerPoint supplemented with a phonebook’s worth of notes on approved wrapping techniques and impedance didn’t bother me too much,” said Johnstone. “He even brought in a local electrician during the follow-up Q and A and that guy spent forever showing us different cable management tips. What really makes me sore is that as a drummer, cables aren’t even a part of my line check. He makes me attend these meetings so I know what kind of problematic behavior to look for, but he’s the one causing problems. For fuck’s sake, he was sewing tile trackers into our bassist’s gig bag during the second bathroom break.”

Monster Cable Sales Rep Genevieve Powell is torn on the subject of proper cable maintenance, and even feels a conflict of interest.

“As a purveyor of high-end cables, nothing makes me happier than our customers practicing good cable management,” said Powell with a profound sense of pride. “Properly maintained equipment will last a lifetime. But as a sales rep, this is a huge problem. Our business model is dependent on people losing cables at shows. Every time some indie-rock shithead borrows an instrument cable and doesn’t return it to its rightful owner, I get a sale. It’s hard to pick a side, but I want to say that Clyde is fighting the good fight.”

At press time, Burns was seen at The Dollar General testing the power rating of various 9-volt batteries by licking the clasps.

Photo by Jana Miller