It’s that time of year again, when chocolate bunnies are eaten and colorful eggs are hidden all around the home for children to find with surprise and delight. For many people, getting one of those holiday eggs lodged into their anal cavity for hours or even days at a time is a reality that can come with many problems. Removing an Easter egg from your ass can be done effectively and safely, allowing you to reuse it the following year.
So if you want to avoid a trip to the emergency room where you have to explain that you have another egg up your ass that you wish to keep in one piece, we have a few tips and tricks to get that sucker out of there:
Step 1: Don’t panic.
The first step in removing an Easter egg from your asshole without breaking it into a million shitty pieces is to keep calm and collected. You can do this with deep breathing exercises, 50 minutes of silent meditation, or by enjoying the pastel coloring of any of the eggs you somehow resisted sticking up your own ass.
Step 2: Pray to the god of your understanding.
Next, travel to your nearest beach, forest, or other secluded areas, and slowly lower yourself down until you are planted firmly on your knees. Then, start praying to something holy and incredibly forgiving. If it gets you out of this without you having to repaint your egg again, promise it you will donate money to a homeless person for now.
Step 3: Prepare your anus.
Without getting up, roll onto your back. Then, remove the speculum from the keyring in your pocket and apply water-based lubricant to it, as well as all over your asshole and into your mouth (what the hell, it’s the weekend!) Holding the speculum in front of your face, open and close it, using the power of visualization to imagine that this is what your butthole will do when it’s time to push the egg out.
Step 4: Coax the egg out.
Now, place three to five sunflower seeds at the entrance of your asshole, which will entice the unlucky guinea pig you keep up there to venture outward, pushing the egg out of its way, and out of your ass while it’s at it. Finally, thank the guinea pig, then remind him that the rental agreement you left in his mailbox a few months ago isn’t going to sign itself.
Step 5: Refrigerate the egg.
Now that the egg has been removed from your ass, place it in an airtight container and keep it refrigerated. Being as discreet as possible, mark the egg to prevent a loved one or roommate from accidentally ingesting it. To avoid such a mishap in the future, you can invest in plastic Easter eggs, which you can break because they make a billion of those things so NBD.