We’ve heard your phone calls, read your emails, and crossed your picket lines. We’ve attended all of the meetings with all of your lawyers about all of the labor laws we’ve violated. We hear you.
In recent decades, rumors have circulated regarding our “inhumane” labor practices. We’ve all heard the horror stories of workers peeing in coffee cans, factory floor suicides and single mothers slaving away 80 hours a week for us just to keep a roof over their heads. These rumors, bolstered by cancel culture and facts, have hurt us tremendously.
The people have spoken, and something needs to be done. According to our team of economists, psychologists and marketing strategists, that something is a 48 cent per hour increase of our starting wage with a firm commitment to a rollout date of TBD.
The PickOne corporation was founded on two main guiding principles:
1. A merger of the world’s biggest shipping companies, retail outlets, aerospace companies and weapons manufacturers will create an organization with more influence over world events than any democratically elected leadership body in history.
2. People matter.
Take a look at that second one. Saying we care about people is the second most important thing we do.
We’ve analyzed the data, done the math, and found this to be the cheapest possible way to alter public perception of our brand by a percentage that suits our agenda. It’s our way of giving back.
Let me tell you a personal anecdote that will humanize me the author and make you more receptive to my message. The other day I stepped out of my limo and there, sitting on the steps of our headquarters, was a man. The man was very poor and dirty. Despite this, I looked at him, and I sort of thought to myself “You know, we’re both people I guess.” I found myself thinking about him long after I had him removed.
The wage increase is only the first of many changes we’ll be making to better the quality of life for all of our employees. It’s not of course, this will be it for some time, but we do get points for saying that.
At PickOne we believe that you believe that none of our employees should have to choose between paying rent and taking their child to the doctor. With our wage increase they won’t have to, provided they skip lunch for a week or two, which they could totally stand to do! Have you seen these people? Chunk city.
It is our hope that this benevolent compromise will help all of us circumvent the scourge of unionization that has plagued our great nation since the 1940s. On behalf of the entire PickOne senior management family, we are sorry that you chose to be hurt by our labor practices, and you’re welcome
Also, if you ever have to make a public apology for work, just google “public apology templates” on the image search and you’ll find a lot of helpful outlines. This was way easier than I thought, and it came out pretty good!