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West Pennsylvania 2023 Wine Has Top Notes of Vinyl Chloride

PERRYOPOLIS, Penn. — The signature 2023 Chardonnay by Grapes of Wrath winery presents heavily with top notes of vinyl chloride, sources who can’t stop thinking about the HBO miniseries “Chernobyl” report.

“As you may have guessed, the process of making a quality wine is highly complex,” said Grapes of Wrath head vintner Wilson Porter while taking an iodine pill. “This year, we were really focused on getting the essence of our local biosphere and cultivation environment at the forefront of our wines. This means that since the water from the Ohio River is 100% contaminated with chemicals from the train derailment a mere 80 miles from here, there is an undeniable poisonous body to this year’s product that really shines through the overall palette.”

Local expert and seasoned sommelier Joanne Carpenter was quick to notice the unorthodox taste.

“The flavor profile of the 2023 offering is strikingly, how shall I put it…industrial,” Carpenter said, gripping the edge of the table to keep herself upright. “Knowing about the cultivation practices really makes the overall experience of drinking this wine make a lot of sense. Upon first sniff, one can instantly tell that this Chardonnay was lovingly crafted with only the finest ingredients and PVC pipe coating. The top notes of vinyl chloride in particular are what sets this apart from other Midwestern wines, especially those farther away from East Palestine.”

Norfolk Southern representative James Soderland weighed in on the railroad conglomerate’s role in the creation of artisanal goods.

“It’s really incredible to see the creativity and craftsmanship that we have enabled come into full bloom,” Soderland said. “Although critics on the internet have been more than happy to label the recent derailment as ‘catastrophic’ and ‘completely preventable,’ I personally like to point them to the silver linings instead of dwelling on the past. This delicious wine, made by a small business mind you, would not exist without the so-called ‘tragedy’ in East Palestine, Ohio. We here at Norfolk Southern have done the local food economy a huge favor, if you really think about it.”

At press time, Porter was being rushed to the hospital and showing signs of liver failure.