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Band Meeting Turns Into Four-Hour Lecture On Cable Management

DENVER — Members of local band Shady Hoops are grinding their teeth as their band meeting devolved into an unending lecture about proper cable management from their guitarist, sources that are very late to work confirmed.

“It’s not my fault that everybody is fucking up so bad,” said guitarist Clyde Burns as he meticulously lined up various cables for inspection. “We lost two patch cables and an XLR cable at our last show, and we need a better system. Daisy chains don’t grow on trees, you know. Color coding by cable type, length, wrapping material, and AWG isn’t enough. We need to have a bag for our rehearsal space, venues with or without a backline, and an additional ‘go bag’ for any cable emergencies that might come up. A band is only as good as its cables. We need to stop getting in the way of ourselves if we want to succeed.”

Drummer Brian Johnstone expressed frustration due to the nature of the band meeting and his own role in the band.

“The two-hour PowerPoint supplemented with a phonebook’s worth of notes on approved wrapping techniques and impedance didn’t bother me too much,” said Johnstone. “He even brought in a local electrician during the follow-up Q and A and that guy spent forever showing us different cable management tips. What really makes me sore is that as a drummer, cables aren’t even a part of my line check. He makes me attend these meetings so I know what kind of problematic behavior to look for, but he’s the one causing problems. For fuck’s sake, he was sewing tile trackers into our bassist’s gig bag during the second bathroom break.”

Monster Cable Sales Rep Genevieve Powell is torn on the subject of proper cable maintenance, and even feels a conflict of interest.

“As a purveyor of high-end cables, nothing makes me happier than our customers practicing good cable management,” said Powell with a profound sense of pride. “Properly maintained equipment will last a lifetime. But as a sales rep, this is a huge problem. Our business model is dependent on people losing cables at shows. Every time some indie-rock shithead borrows an instrument cable and doesn’t return it to its rightful owner, I get a sale. It’s hard to pick a side, but I want to say that Clyde is fighting the good fight.”

At press time, Burns was seen at The Dollar General testing the power rating of various 9-volt batteries by licking the clasps.

Photo by Jana Miller