Dude In Band Keeps Getting Called “Rock Star” At Work

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

ENON, Ohio — Musician and fry cook, Cody Landon, has grown weary of being called “Rock Star” at his place of employment after his coworkers discovered he plays guitar in a local rock group.

“At this point, I honestly don’t know if it’s an insult or compliment. Either way, it’s really starting to get to me. Every day I get asked about what ‘crazy road stories’ I have, or how many groupies follow me around. It’s really tiring,” sighed Landon during a five-minute cigarette break. “I’m just like… ‘Yeah Jared, I make $8.15 an hour at the Carriage Inn because the band is really taking off.’ I just don’t think they realize how depressing it is to have your dream job thrown in your face while actively working your nightmare scenario.”

Landon’s supervisor, Sarah Jenkins, gleamed with excitement when asked about his employment at the local diner.

“Aww, Cody’s our little celebrity! I can’t believe we get to work with him before he hits the big time!” exclaimed Jenkins who has admittedly never attended a show of Landon’s or listened to his band’s recordings. “Here at Carriage Inn, our staff is like family, and we do everything we can to support each other. It makes it all the easier when you have someone as talented as Cody on board! We all just know he’s destined for big things.”

Owner and general manager of Legend’s Bar and Grille, Jim Kilby, explained that while he often hosts Landon’s band, he does not have high hopes for their success.

“They play here every couple of weeks, and they are far from our most popular act. In fact, we lose money every time they play. We had to quit putting their name on the sandwich board sign out front because patrons just turn right around when they see it,” lamented Kilby. “The last time they performed, our bartender walked out in protest. I’ve even been having to pay the sound guy out of my own pocket recently. It’s really not tenable at this point, but I guess I just feel sorry for the kids. They try so hard, but it just doesn’t seem to be working out for them.”

At press time, Landon was being informed that his PTO request for his band’s upcoming tour had been denied.

10 Most Controversial Moments in Award Show History

Posted on by Dianne Nora

Whether we’re judging how attractive young starlets look in designer gowns, or celebrating white people profiting off the talent of Black musicians, there is always something surprising at an awards show! We broke down the top ten most controversial moments in award show history.

Wrong Film Announced as Best Picture Winner

In 2017, Faye Dunaway mistakenly announced that the Oscar for Best Picture was star-studded movie musical “La La Land,” when, in actuality, the real Oscar winner was “Suicide Squad,” but only the scene in which Jared Leto’s Joker pretends the mouth tattoo on his hand is his real mouth.

Kanye West Correctly Interrupts Taylor Swift

Who could forget when Kanye West, now known as a cobbler from Calabasas, stole the mic from Taylor Swift at the 2009 VMAs to announce that the award should have gone to Beyonce, for her music video “Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It)?” The incident is notorious because it was the last time Mr. West made a statement that was unimpeachably correct in public, following up on his earlier hit “George Bush doesn’t care about Black people.”

Marlon Brando Uses Platform to Advocate for Others

In 1973, Marlon Brando invited Native actress Sacheen Littlefeather onto the Oscar stage to refuse the Academy Award he’d been given for his performance in “The Godfather.” This shocked the Academy, who were previously unaware that white savior characters could exist off-screen.

Jennifer Lawrence Falls Up the Stairs and Is Therefore No Longer Sexy

The only thing better than celebrating the extraordinary work of the world’s brightest stars is tearing them apart when they’ve revealed themselves to be human. Many people may not recall this, but prior to falling at the Academy Awards in 2013, Jennifer Lawrence was actually considered attractive by many. Now she is rightly mocked and scorned.

The Three-Way Kiss Between Madonna, Britney Spears, and Christina Aguilera

This educational moment allowed gay and bisexual young women and girls everywhere the opportunity to see how their parents would later react when they finally came out. Did they cringe? Did they change the channel? Did they turn to you and say, “You know, honey, if Cathy is more than your roommate, we’d be fine with that. Actually, we’d be really happy for you, and we’d worry less that you’ll get pregnant before you finish college.” Don’t worry, gals—the queerbaiting only gets better!

Adrien Brody Kisses Halle Berry Without Her Consent

This wasn’t that controversial, sadly. Men do shit like this all the time. But really, it should be a bigger deal. It’s not romantic and it’s not charming. Be better, men.

John Travolta Calls Idina Menzel “Adele Dazeem”

At the 2017 Academy Awards ceremony, John Travolta mistakenly uttered the phrase “Adele Dazeem,” a call to arms for scientologists around the world to prepare for galactic war as the Feds close in on the remains of Shelly Miscavige. A seasoned actor, Mr. Travolta quickly covered his mistake by pretending to have mispronounced the name of talented multihyphenate Idina Menzel. No need to worry, fellow believers—where Shelly’s gone, no one will find her!

Beyonce Invents Motherhood at VMAs

Having already dominated the airwaves and won over the hearts of fans around the world with her group Destiny’s Child as well as her solo albums, Beyonce broke new ground in 2011 with the discovery of pregnancy and the invention of motherhood. Since her revelation, millions have followed in her footsteps, birthing what we now call “children.”

Jodie Foster Comes Out as Mel Gibson Supporter

Nothing is braver than when people who are known for being rich surprise us all by revealing themselves to also be ethically bankrupt! Jodie Foster, who directed and starred alongside Mel Gibson in 2011’s The Beaver, has boldly come forward to say that his misogyny, anti-Semitism, racism, and good old fashioned physical abuse are a-okay with her.

Charlie Chaplin Gets a Twelve Minute Standing Ovation

Unfortunately, the audience had seen his mustache and mistaken him for Adolf Hitler.

Mandela Effect? Yes, George Burns Was Definitely Not One Of The Spice Girls, Something Fucking Weird Is Happening

Posted on by Dan Rice

Welcome to the simulation. For some time now people have noticed what appear to be glitches in the timeline, inconsistencies between hard copy media and our collective memories. The Berenstein Bears. The Fruit of the Loom cornucopia. That Sinbad genie movie. All of those are bullshit and only gained traction because people are idiots, but I was just watching one of those “remember the 90s” shows and George Burns was a Spice Girl? Yeah okay reality might be broken.

Every source I’ve checked says the same thing: The Spice Girls consisted of Scary Spice, Sporty Spice, Ginger Spice, Baby Spice and George Burns. He doesn’t even have a spice name like Old Spice or Smokey Spice, just George Burns. I can’t be the only one who remembers the group rounded out by another attractive woman and not veteran comedic actor George Burns, right?

Look, I think the “Mandela effect” is bullshit, but this is kind of crazy. There’s just no way that The Spice Girls were the pop sensation I remember them to be and included an old cigar smoking man cracking wise. Dude was like in his 90s, how could he have done the dance moves?

I would have remembered that.

I listened back to some of their songs, and they sound just like I remember, except now they have George Burns chiming in with one liners. It’s not even melodic, it sounds like someone just haphazardly slapped George Burns sound bites over Spice Girls songs. Why is everyone okay with this?

I remember whenever their music played on my school bus my friends and I would argue over which one was the hottest, and this one kid, Tommy Crealmann, always picked Posh Spice, a woman I swear existed and was in the group. I looked Tommy up and called him. I asked him “who’s the hottest Spice Girl?” and without missing a beat he says “George Burns because he’s funny and smokes cigars.”

Either the worlds gone crazy or I have. No one I talk to remembers Posh at all. One dude even made a big deal of the fact that there’s no spice called posh spice. I fired back with “there’s no spice called baby spice either!” and he goes “Yeah there is” and pulls a bottle of baby spice out of his pocket, so I guess that’s different now too. Apparently it’s used to spice up food for babies, and not to spice up babies for eating, still weird though!

Lesbian Comes to Horrifying Realization that She’s Becoming Her Father

Posted on by Colleen Nerney

BUTLER, Pa. — Local lesbian Katie Hargrove recently came to the horrifying realization that she is becoming her father, sources currently standing at her window and shaking her head while observing the condition of the grass confirmed.

“It just hit me — I was at Home Depot, right, looking for some plumbing fixtures for the guest bathroom, and I said ‘Jesus Christ, these cost an arm and a leg’ or something like that. And I had this distinct memory of being a kid, getting dragged into the hardware store with my dad, and hearing him say literally the exact same thing, verbatim,” said Hargrove from her converted garage workshop. “I legitimately just stood in the aisle in shock for a few minutes after that occurred to me, like, fuck, I’m in my 30’s and turning into my father. This is every lesbian’s worst nightmare.”

Hargrove’s live-in partner, Mary McKenny, suggests that the transformation into her father may not have been as sudden as Hargrove initially suspected.

“Listen, I’m not trying to be rude, but this has been a long time in the making. Her Dad-isms have been increasing by the minute,” said McKenny. “We took a little trip out of town for a long weekend recently, and she woke up at 6 o’clock in the fucking morning. On vacation! I came downstairs in the Air BnB and she was reading the paper at the table and drinking black coffee. I could see her having to physically hold herself back from making a snarky comment about me sleeping in.”

“Next thing she knows she’s going to be buying a tractor with a down payment in cash, or taking 45 minutes in the bathroom to take a shit,” McKenny added.

Hargrove’s oldest brother Thomas confirmed that the so-called “Dad curse” is inescapable in their family.

“I know Katie is having a rough go of it right now, but she has to understand—this has happened to all of us,” the elder Hargrove explained, somewhat patronizingly. “She has three older brothers, and at this point, we’re all basically carbon copies of our dad. Each of us had her Home Depot moment, you know? Mine was when I needed dress shoes for a wedding and I went to a Sketchers store. I’m just saying, she’s been doomed since birth, that’s all.”

Hargrove ended the interview by stating that she needed to clear her head, and geared up to do some “relaxing yard work.”

Photo by Jana Miller.

Opinion: You’re Not A Real Punk Until You’ve Been Shot By Charles Bronson In The ‘70s

Posted on by Dan Rice

It seems like every passing year the line between what is and is not punk becomes murkier, so I want to draw a line in the sand and set the record straight once and for all. Any asshole can wear a battle jacket, listen to Aus Rotten and go to house shows, but if you weren’t alive and in New York in the ‘70s and a criminal who got shot by Charles Bronson, don’t fucking call yourself a “punk.”

Punk rock isn’t about looking cool and drinking until you blackout each night. It’s about doing horrific crimes and getting gunned down by a vengeful Charles Bronson. Any deviation from that is poser bullshit.

I would love to see how Green Day holds up with a belly full of lead courtesy of The Vigilante’s Colt 32.

I see these so-called punks today with their Hot Topic get-ups and their vegan burgers and their “I hate my privileged small town” horse shit and I have to laugh. These posers wouldn’t last a day in New York. I’m talkin’ the REAL New York, back when the deuce was all porno flicks back when the streets were paved with dirty needles, back when Bronson prowled the night and shot anything wearing liberty spikes that moved.

It doesn’t matter which Bronson shot you. You could have been taken out while trying to commit assault by Paul “Deathwish” Kersey. You could have been elaborately snipped off by Arthur “The Mechanic” Bishop. You could have been gunned down by Danny “The Tunnel King” Great Escape Charles Bronson — it would be weird, but it counts. Just as long as Bronson put a slug in you during the ‘70s or like, 84, at the latest, you’re a real punk. Nah fuck that, 83.

There aren’t many of us real punks left these days. It’s partly because a true punk lifestyle requires a lot of hard living, and partly because Bronson is a damned good shot. I got a metal slug where my left kidney used to be, know why? Cause I’m punk as fuck! Now, let’s go do some violent crimes for little to no financial gain!

Punk Keeps Calling Parents’ Guest House His Squat

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

HOUSTON — Local punk Colin “Colonic” Birch continues to refer to his parents’ guest house, a two-bedroom A-frame with pool access where he has lived for the last 11 months rent-free, as his squat, according to multiple sources.

“It’s kind of a shithole,” said Birch while retrieving the Whole Foods grocery delivery his mother had scheduled for him. “Like, there are a bunch of rodents that live in the trees around the yard, and it doesn’t even have central air. The second bedroom doesn’t even have a wall-mounted TV, like the master bedroom I use, and if I want to get beer, I have to walk all the way to the other end of the property where my fucking parents live and take it from the garage fridge. It’s especially shitty when Aunt Gayle and her latest boyfriend are visiting and I have to go stay in my old room in the main house.”

Birch’s friend and occasional bandmate Ray Douglass was tolerant of his friend’s claim to be squatting in the building where they would frequently have childhood sleepovers.

“Yeah, it’s literally 500 yards from where his mom and dad sleep,” said Douglass. “Whenever someone tries to push back on it being a ‘squat’ he goes off on the ‘technical’ definition of what it is to be a squatter. I don’t think he gets how gross an actual squat is. My girlfriend’s studio apartment has mold in the bathroom and roaches everywhere, and she still pays like $1200 a month. Colonic’s place is way, way nicer than any of our other friend’s places, so it’s just easier to go along with it and then take turns crashing there.”

“If pretending he’s not a fucking poser is the price to pay for access to an infinity pool,” Douglass added. “I can deal.”

Eddie Marquez, a 31-year-old veteran of the Houston punk scene, was less charitable.

“These fucking kids don’t know what it’s like to actually spend a night in a dank squat that’s owned by your uncle, and he’s getting on your fucking case that you need to at least do some chores around the house to stay there,” said Marquez. “I remember, my first squat, you couldn’t even light cigarettes in there because there were fucking leaks everywhere. Well, it was more that it was really humid and my uncle said no smoking in the house, but you know what I mean. Fucker couldn’t even spring for a dehumidifier.”

As of press time, Birch was describing the bank account his parents fund monthly as his “beer money stash.”

Anthony Kiedis Steps Forward from Shadows After the Word “California” Uttered

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

MILWAUKEE — Red Hot Chili Peppers frontman Anthony Kiedis dramatically strode forward from the shadows after the word “California” was uttered in conversation by several startled friends, sources report.

“Oh fuck, fuck,” said Liam Ho who was trying to light a cigarette to steady his nerves. “I was just having coffee with my friend Kristina, talking about politics and shit. She was saying something about all these gerrymandered districts and voting restrictions going into effect around the country, then he said something about California and Anthony Kiedis just, like, appeared from around a corner and just stood there. He just came out of nowhere, man. I think he was smiling but looking back, that might just be how his face is.”

Warner Music Group record executive Marie Dooley is familiar with incidents like this around the country and even the world.

“Anthony is a very talented artist,” said Dooley while hauntingly gazing out a high-rise window at WMG Headquarters. “And with all that talent comes some… strange abilities. Our researchers at Warner Music Experimental Laboratories are still uncertain of the nature by which Anthony manifests himself at any location in which ‘California’ has been said aloud. The leading hypothesis is that he has some innate sense of the word and can locate it across time and space, much as some birds can sense the magnetic poles of the earth to navigate.”

“But no one really knows,” Dooley added. “Maybe we should not delve too deeply into such matters.”

Fellow Red Hot Chili Peppers member Flea had other opinions.

“It’s really fucking annoying, is what it is,” said Flea from his home recording studio. “When Tony just, like, vanished into thin air the first time while we were recording ‘Freaky Styley’ with George Clinton in 1985, it freaked everyone out. But do you have any idea how many times people say “Cali-,” fuck, almost said it. How many people say that word every day? You know how long it took to get a complete take of him saying ‘Ding, dang, dong, dong, deng, deng, dong, dong, ding, dang?’ It’s just a drag, man.”

As of press time, Kiedis had disappeared back into the shadows as mysteriously as he had appeared, perhaps to someday return again.

Have I Lost My Lust for Life or Is Toast Just Not Springing Out of Toasters Like It Used To?

Posted on by Sarah S.

Where is the excitement these days? Whatever happened to the little joys in life that made us so happy when we were young? Where are the simple yet exhilarating moments Jack Johnson is always singing about? I just don’t know. Maybe I’m alone here but, to me, toast just isn’t springing out of the toaster anymore.

When I was a kid my mom would call me down for breakfast and soon that familiar “ding!” would ring out as two golden-brown slices would leap out of the toaster, double flip, and land perfectly on my plate. I can still hear my friends calling to me from outside, eager for me to join them for yet another day of discovering the wonders life has to offer.

Well, it’s 17 years later and I’m home alone on Friday night making garlic bread with dollar store onion powder, no longer sure if I’ve ever had a real friend. Meanwhile, these sullen slices of bread unenthusiastically creep out of the toaster like a child terrified of what they may discover upon entering the real world.

And it’s not just toast! I remember the feeling I got when smelling coffee in the morning. I had just graduated and was starting my first real job. Every whiff smelled like adventure! I couldn’t wait to grab a cup and go conquer the world! Now, all I smell is a reminder that I’m in the same dead-end job but now I also have crippling IBS.

But what about candles? They used to instantly fill me with a feeling of calmness that, along with the candles themselves, seemed to last for eons. Nowadays they run out so fast! Now all I’m left with is a reminder that everything ends.

Has the world simply become a much bleaker place? Or am I just massively unfulfilled by what my life has become? Either way, someone in this KitchenAid Toaster Department has a lot of explaining to do.

Punk Threatens to Stop Using Spotify Account That Niece Lets Him Access for Free

Posted on by Antonio Cruise

GLENDALE, Calif. — Local musician Charlie Clarke is reportedly threatening to join the growing boycott of Spotify and stop using the account that linked to his niece’s name and billing information, confirmed sources paying for the premium account.

“I’ve been a loyal Spotify user for years now, but after the whole Joe Rogan thing I decided that if the company continues being a vehicle for misinformation I’m going to take my business elsewhere,” explained Clarke, who is currently residing in his half-brother’s sunroom. “I can’t, in good conscience, contribute to something that has become a mouthpiece for anti-vaccine propaganda. I will delete the app from my phone immediately and suggest to my family members that they start looking into Apple Music. Which I hope they do soon, because listening to music on Youtube fucking blows.”

Clark’s niece, Harper Rossiter, reports that her uncle has been using her Spotify password for two years now.

“Yeah, I’m cool with sharing my account with Uncle Charlie, but I’m just kinda sick of him adding Leftover Crack songs to my yoga playlist and screwing up my Wrapped every year,” said Rossiter. “He used to threaten to stop using Spotify because his band has nearly 600 streams and he hasn’t seen a single penny in royalties. But something changes and he’s just going on and on about a bunch of old dudes I’ve never heard of. All I want to do is listen to the new Doja Cat song in peace.”

Kevin Rossiter, the primary bill payer in the household, says Clarke’s stance will have absolutely no effect on anything.

“The other day I heard Charlie on the phone with Spotify customer service saying ‘either Joe goes or I walk.’ It’s not even his fucking account,” said the father of three. “He was downstairs all aggressive, yelling something about the Montgomery Bus Boycott. I could tell the agent was explaining to him that he wasn’t the primary user on the account and therefore wasn’t authorized to make any changes. Later that night Charlie asked if I ever used Tidal and I just changed the subject.”

“By the way, he’s not even fully vaxxed. He never got the second shot because he didn’t want to run into his ex-drummer, Harold, who recently started taking passport photos at the Rite-Aid down the street. Can you believe that shit?” he added.

At press time, Clarke reportedly decided to stick with Spotify until he can get to his former girlfriend’s storage unit to recover several of his CD carrying cases.

6 DIY Beer Can Craft Projects You Can Pretend To Be In The Middle Of When People Come Over

Posted on by Dan Rice

It’s always embarrassing when people come to your home and it’s one of the 358 days out of the year that your place is a fucking disaster. You have two choices — scramble to clean your apartment like a real-life ‘80s comedy montage, or come up with a legitimate excuse as to why every conceivable surface in your apartment is littered with empty PBR cans.

Aluminum has about a million and one uses when it comes to DIY craft projects. What a perfect smokescreen to hide your alcoholism and generally disheveled lifestyle from friends and family! Here are some specific projects you can claim to be interested in if your guest is a dick who asks a bunch of questions.

Beer Can Vehicular Model
Trains, planes, and automobiles, maybe even a helicopter! With enough scrap aluminum and some meticulous attention to detail there’s no limit to what you can pretend to be interested in creating!

Can-O-Lantern
Who says you can only carve faces into pumpkins? With an Exacto knife and the right skills you can carve any design into a beer can, from goofy smiles to elaborate photo-realistic portraits of famous icons. You’re not going to, you’re a drunk who probably shouldn’t have anything remotely as sharp as an Exacto knife in their hand at any given time, but your guests don’t have to know that!

Fancy Tea-candle Holder
You could be planning to turn all of those empties into tiny lamps, for all they know. There are tons of designs out there suitable for all skill levels, so if someone doesn’t buy it you can tell them to look it up on Pinterest.

A Miniature Replica Of The Accident
As seen in the film “Hereditary,” painstakingly recreating horrific events from your life in miniature can be a great way to process trauma. Another great way to process trauma is just staying drunk all the time but the people who “care” about you don’t see it that way, so just tell them you’re making an aluminum replica of that time you drove through a school bus.

Really Shitty Wind Chimes
Yeah, wind chimes. Fuckin… whatever.

Mind Your Own Business
You could just tell your guests to mind their own fucking business and save their judgment for someone who fucking gives a shit. Look THAT shit up on Pinterest, motherfucker.