Kyle Gordon Stanley, Author at HARDTIMES

5 Beginner Punk Songs You Still Aren’t Good Enough To Play on Guitar Even Though You Bought That Ibanez Like Fifteen Years Ago

Posted on April 14, 2022 by James Knapp

Look, learning guitar is hard. That’s just how it is. We know it’s not fair and you’ve been trying to nail down some punk classics on that Ibanez you bought nearly two decades ago, but we’re here to tell you that, sorry, it ain’t gonna happen. Anyway, here are five beginner punk songs that you’d be able to play by now if you had been born with even a modicum of musical talent.

The Ramones – Blitzkrieg Bop
This one could have just as easily been titled “My First Punk Song” based on the sheer volume of twelve-year-olds who have managed to master this three-chord beginner anthem. Sadly, this does not include yourself. You talentless, bad person.

Green Day – Longview
Seriously, there’s not even any guitar playing on like eighty percent of this song. But still, the last time you tried to play this one you broke every string and somehow managed to swallow your own pick. Just give up already.

Blink 182 – All the Small Things
Remember back when you first heard this song on the radio and you immediately started fantasizing about rocking those opening chords yourself on a sick ax while adoring fans cheered your every strum? And do you remember how for the last fifteen years you have failed to even marginally cover any part of this song while you sit alone in your darkened apartment with the same shitty guitar? Remember that? Plus, we bet you think this song is punk. Dork.

Nirvana – Smells Like Teen Spirit
Is this even really a punk song? Who gives a shit, you can’t play it anyway.

Social Distortion – Story of My Life
What in the hell were you even thinking trying this one? Sure, it’s three chords but it’s also like five minutes long and it’s got that whole fucking solo in there and everything. Tell you what. Go look at your reflection in that shitty guitar of yours and you ask yourself what the fuck is wrong with you for even trying to play this fucking song. And stop crying! Your parents were right. You should have taken up the bass.

Out-of-Work Line Cook Prepares Resume By Getting Fourth Knife Tattoo

Posted on April 14, 2022 by Lauren Sewell

ST. LOUIS – Local line cook Reuben Gunnels updated his extensive resume by adding a fourth tattoo of a knife to his arm in hopes of landing a coveted sous chef gig, sources close to the 15-time “Top Chef” reject confirmed.

“All of the asshole cooks at my old job have, like, two tattoos at most. And it’s all boring, young shit too – a skull eating a slice of pizza, a chicken wing on fire, the PBR logo. They clearly don’t take this profession as seriously as I do. That should have been a red flag for me from the beginning. How can you expect to be well-respected in the kitchen with a few beginner tats?” said Gunnels. “After six months grilling burgers and frying eggs alongside meatheads who can’t even make a decent aioli, I’ve had it. I’m ready to level up and start working at finer establishments next to chefs with six or seven knife tattoos at least.”

To increase his shots of landing a high-end gig, Gunnels enlisted the guidance of local tattoo artist Cassidy Torres.

“Sure, a lot of people think of me as just a tattoo artist, but frankly, I’m more than that. I’m an employment consultant for line cooks, hairstylists, mixologists, mechanics, and more,” explained Torres as she drew a bleeding cornucopia in her sketchbook. “On average, head chefs spend just 11 seconds judging the tattoo work a candidate has, so you have to stand out. For Reuben, his ‘Yes Chef’ knuckle tattoo and meat cleaver bicep design demonstrate experience and commitment to the industry, and he lets his personality shine with his Dead Kennedys piece on his calf. By adding in a ‘Mise en place’ neck tattoo and another chef’s knife on his forearm, he’ll be hard to deny.”

High-level chefs across St. Louis are reportedly interested in talking with Gunnels as soon as his new tattoo is no longer in that gross scab phase.

“I must say, I was extremely impressed that young man,” said Sebastian Lee, executive chef of a highly acclaimed gastropub Iron & Nettles. “Reuben’s choice of tattoos clearly demonstrated an eye for detail, a high pain tolerance, and a deflated sense of self, all of which are essential for working in my kitchen. The kids that come out of culinary school could learn a thing or two from him. Don’t spend your money on education, spend it on giant tattoos that make your mother questions her decisions as a parent.”

At press time, local barber Ted Clement added a 75th straight razor tattoo to his collection in the hopes of moving one chair closer to the front door of his shop.

We Rehabilitated This Police Dog To Be A Cancer Sniffing Dog Except Now It Keeps Trying To Bite The Cancer Out Of People

Posted on April 14, 2022 by Stephen Bell

When we saw that this beautiful German Shepherd named Rory was going to be retired by the police department, we wanted to give it a new lease on life. Instead of being used to catch illegal medical marijuana users, we thought it could be successfully turned into one of those dogs with the ability to smell when a person has cancer.

Despite our best efforts, instead of simply detecting cancer, it kept trying to bite the cancer out of the people it diagnosed.

With other dogs, we had been quite successful at teaching them to detect cancer just by sniffing a patient’s urine. Unfortunately, in Rory’s case all we succeeded in doing was changing the trigger smell for the thing he already does. He would take one sniff and then bam! His teeth would head straight for the patient’s crotch.

We consulted an animal behaviors expert, who offered a grim prognosis of Rory’s problem:

“Once police training is learned by any animal, be it a German Shepherd or a white dude who peaked in high school, it’s almost impossible to undo. In most cases it is best to put the animal down.”

Still, we didn’t want to abandon trying to reform Rory. Despite major objections from the oncologist, who insisted the risk-to-reward ratio was “way off here” and that the dog detection thing wasn’t “all that accurate to begin with” we convinced the hospital board to funnel more money into the program.

We thought that if Rory were to undergo some sort of training to get rid of his implicit attack response, then he might be less prone to bite people. So after 4 hours of instruction we let Rory try to sniff out a patient for any number of melanomas. The end result was a man riddled with cancer missing half a face.

Rory’s new job did not pan out the way we had hoped, but our editor has assured us that he’s been relocated to a nice big farm upstate where he can run around and eviscerate mild drug offenders all day long.

Oh. I didn’t say it out loud till now. Damn.

Bouncer Accepts Old Blockbuster Membership Card as Valid Form of ID for 21+ Show

Posted on April 14, 2022 by Bobby Korec

HUNTINGTON, N.Y. — Veteran bouncer Lucas Clonesworth accepted an old Blockbuster membership card as a valid form of ID for yesterday’s 21 and over show at the Paramount music venue, sources who subsequently second-guessed ditching theirs years ago confirmed.

“Nothing is more effective at revealing your age than an old laminated Blockbuster membership card that’s been lodged in your wallet for decades,” said Clonesworth while rejecting someone’s perfectly valid driver’s license because it was out of state and deemed “too difficult” to find the date of birth. “No one under the age of 30 has even seen one of these mythical Blockbuster cards in real life, but those old enough to remember renting physical movies from physical buildings with physical money using physical membership cards are all too familiar with it. I’m not sure it’s technically legal. All I know is that if you rented ‘The Pelican Brief’ in 1995 from the largest movie rental chain in the country at the time, you’re definitely allowed in this show.”

This was not the first time Jenny Graham’s Blockbuster membership came in handy.

“You wouldn’t believe the amount of places that accept your Blockbuster card as a valid form of identification,” said Graham before dazzling a group of 19-year-olds with her Blockbuster rental history. “I actually lost my driver’s license years ago and started using my Blockbuster card instead. It’s worked to prove my age at liquor stores, as a last-minute passport substitute for international flights, and even to vote in local and national elections. Blockbuster may be dead, but their legacy lives on for those of us old enough to remember paying an extra fee for not rewinding videotapes before returning.”

Experts predicted the future of identification methods.

“Humans are the only species on earth that require the use of an ID to prove their existence to other humans,” said sociologist Kat Diagramm. “Don’t worry, before you know it, those COVID vaccination cards rotting in all of our wallets are going to pass as valid forms of ID at 21+ shows. You got a booster in 2021? Just wait until 2052 when teens will have no idea what that is and you’ll be the old one now. Tragically, it happens to us all.”

In related news, Clonesworth accepted a signed and dated receipt for a Blind Melon CD from an old Tower Records as a valid form of ID for a 21 and over show.

Couple Waiting Until Marriage to Have Sex With Other People

Posted on April 13, 2022 by Bobby Korec

PORTLAND, Ore. — Recently engaged couple Bonnie Drake and Dexter Hummits revealed their intentions to wait until marriage to have sex with other people, sources who wondered if they thought that plan through confirmed.

“I’ve already caught myself thinking about other people during sex with my fiancé, so you can say I’m totally ready to get hitched,” said Drake while checking Instagram to see what an old ex had been up to recently. “What can I say? I’m pretty traditional when it comes to marriage. I just feel like our wedding night will be that much more special when the romance has completely fizzled out mere hours after saying ‘I do’ and the only way to fulfill my needs sexually is to sleep with Jerry in HR because we kind of flirted in the break room that one time. Dex also agrees that it’ll be more personal if we wait.”

“Super curious to finally know how he’ll perform in bed for the very first time with someone else. I wonder if it’ll be like how I always imagined it,” she added.

Friends of the couple urged them to ditch the outdated tradition.

“Literally no one waits until marriage to sleep around anymore,” said longtime friend Eve Summerville. “That’s like something they did in the ‘50s when women weren’t even allowed to do hot yoga. Honestly, Bonnie and Dexter should be like a normal unmarried couple and cheat on each other immediately. How will they know if they’re right for each other if they’ve never been intimate with other people while they were committed to each other before? Big mistake, guys.”

Experts, however, noted that waiting could have positive effects.

“There are a surprising amount of benefits couples experience when waiting until marriage to do a variety of things,” said family counselor LouAnn Miescke. “For instance, couples who wait until marriage to have sex with other people actually divorce less. Also, those who wait until marriage to talk about big picture topics like finances, whether they want children, and which direction the toilet paper roll goes often note that it really spices up the relationship to a degree that really shocks the system. It’s almost like it’s better to go into a marriage fresh without asking too many questions beforehand.“

At press time, Drake and Hummits admitted to performing oral sex on other people before they were married noting that “it doesn’t count if there’s no penetration.”

Review: Underoath “Voyeurist”

Posted on April 13, 2022 by John Danek

Underoath are one of the few post-hardcore and metalcore bands from the 2000s who have only gotten heavier with age. They continue to push their limits with their 9th studio album “Voyeurist.”

As far as I know, Underoath has never been in a court of law as suggested by their name. Well, that’s about to change as I sue their asses for using my life story without permission all over “Voyeurist.”

There is a mountain of evidence that this album is about me. Let’s take a look at the third track: “I’m Pretty Sure I’m Out of Luck and Have No Friends.” You basically have my autobiography right there in the title. I can’t tell you how much money I’ve lost at the Brony track, where I bet on who will win that pageant at Brony conventions. I always lose. So yeah, I have no luck. And I think it’s a foregone conclusion that I don’t have any friends whatsoever. This will be incredibly simple to prove to a jury.

How about the album title “Voyeurist”? The few people who do know me are mostly my neighbors who complain about the fact that the telescope in my bay window points directly into their bedrooms. I wish they would understand that I’m simply trying to determine the thread count of their bedsheets; I’m no perv. But people shout things like “Peeping Tom,” “creep” and the one English Professor I live near is always yelling “voyeurist” at me every day when I walk to my car! And don’t even try searching my name on the Nextdoor app.

If that weren’t enough, there are so many other songs on this album that are taken directly from aspects of my life. It’s absolutely shameless.

“We’re All Gonna Die?” Yep, so am I.

“Take a Breath?” Believe it or not, I breathe every single day of my life.

“(No Oasis)?” I will famously put a bullet in any jukebox which starts to play “Champagne Supernova.”

Come on Underoath, just admit that you’re totally obsessed with me! Hell, maybe the title of the album is about the band’s fixation on me. Maybe they’re watching me right now, waiting for my next move to inspire a new song… Let’s just say if I ever see a new Underoath single called “Cooking Grilled Cheese With My Dick Out”, you’ll hear from my lawyer REAL quick.

Score: 4/5 Gavel Smashes

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I Wonder If My Music Students Would Think I’m Cooler Knowing How I Fucked And Sucked My Way Through The Local 90s Ska Scene

Posted on April 13, 2022 by Doug Kolic

Man, I wish these students knew how cool I used to be! It’s no secret that they don’t give two shits about me or this music class. To them I’m just boring Mr. Hucks, a lifer at this community college waiting for his retirement to kick in.

If I could only tell them that back in my day it was more like Mr. Fucks, maybe I’d finally get some street cred. These kids are constantly talking about gender fluidity, but standing right in front of them is the OG of that shit, before it was trendy. Fucking. Sucking. Hands stuff too, TONS of hand stuff, with all genders. As long as someone was in the 90s ska or ska adjacent scene, old Hucky was down to party!

“Black coat, white shoes, black hat, Cadillac, Yeah! The Huck’s a fuck bomb!”

These kids would lose their shit if they knew people used to sing that song about me. Sure Rancid wouldn’t have been caught dead in my lame ass town, but the crew down at the local basement venues I frequented, who knew I was always DTF wrote it for me anyway!

These twenty-somethings aren’t able to get past the pleated Dockers and stuffy Oxford shirts that this place makes me wear, to see my true, authentic, ska-tastic self. But I bet it would blow their minds if they knew how I used to skank the fuck out of the scene!

See skank there has a double meaning, referring to the popular ska dance and to the fact that I was a total whore.

They might even think I was cooler after I told them how at first I didn’t know that skanking was a form of dancing, that had nothing to do with me whoring myself out to every new band trying to cash in on third wave ska, just so I could belong to something. Talk about a ‘FAIL’, as these generations love to say, but then again ‘YOLO’!

Look, I get it, I used to think my teachers were “lame” too. If my boring old biology teacher Mr. Bently tried telling us he was a Rock and Roll sex freak back in the day, I would probably call bullshit. But lo and behold, ole Bently got caught hiding a camera in the girls bathroom, just like Chuck Berry! It just goes to show you can never really tell how cool someone is deep down.

Musician Only Wants to Get Famous Enough That She Could Meet the Goal of a Medical GoFundMe If Necessary

Posted on April 13, 2022 by John Danek

KNOXVILLE, Tenn. — No wave/post-punk musician Isla Porter’s only goal in music is to become famous enough to meet a GoFundMe goal should a medical issue arise, the musician’s collaborators reported.

“Look, music is great and all but I don’t need to blow all the way up, I just would like to know I have a little security in the future. God knows I won’t ever have enough money saved to help me if I fall loading into a venue or if this scab gets any more infected,” said Porter, whose minimum wage side gigs offer no benefits whatsoever. “So I think all I need is like, two Pitchfork ‘Best New Music’ awards, and I should be able to get enough people to donate or at least share any fundraisers for the next decade. I don’t need to be nominated for a Grammy or given free guitars by Fender. I just don’t want to die for something stupid.”

Gretchen Carlisle, spokesperson for GoFundMe, revealed that over 85% of the company’s campaigns are for musicians.

“GoFundMe is increasingly being used by indie musicians who rely on us for fairly typical medical bills,” stated Carlisle. “And it makes sense. If you want to put effort into any sort of creative vocation, you should know that you are taking your life into your hands. We provide the platform, but your audience better show up to help you out. I wish Isla luck but I’ve seen her Spotify numbers so I’d encourage her to take out some loans and go back to school.”

James Murphy, frontman of LCD Soundsystem, admitted to starting the behemoth festival headliner act out of a similar fear.

“Not many people know this, but I recorded the first LCD demos hours after I felt a lump on my testicle in the shower. It ended up just being my epididymis, but it scared the shit out of me,” stated Murphy, whose wine obsession started after reading that wine may contain cancer-fighting compounds. “My prime artistic motivation has been to be able to pay off medical bills. ‘All My Friends’ is a fantasy about everyone chipping in for knee replacement surgery when I’m old. And ‘Daft Punk is Playing At My House’ is about a failed fundraiser I tried to host for an upcoming root canal.”

Experts agree that Isla Porter’s chances at survival dropped dramatically after a disgruntled ex gave her most recent EP a 1-star review on Amazon.

Is It Intrusive Thoughts or Is My Taint Actually Way Too Long?

Posted on April 12, 2022 by James Knapp

Before I run back upstairs to get the tape measure again I want to be absolutely sure about this. If it is just an intrusive thought then that’s fine. I’ll just let it pass by, a bit bothered, but ultimately okay. But I have to be sure. Because if it does turn out that my taint is more than two standard deviations longer than average, I am just gonna lose it.

I know I’m probably just being dramatic and there’s no way that the stretch of skin between the back of my balls and my butthole is any more or less extended than anyone else’s. But I swear, when I caught a glimpse of my taint in the mirror while getting out of the shower I was sure it looked like a descended batwing.

I don’t want to think about this at all but I can’t stop myself. Now every day I have these intrusive thoughts about how it’s “unsightly and flappy” or it “looks like a pale, fleshy Fruit by the Foot.” Why do I keep having these thoughts? Could it be true?

I tried to ask my therapist about this but that guy refused to inspect the length of my taint entirely. He just kept screaming about how it was his day off and he didn’t know how I got his home address. Well, I’m sorry, but you know what I don’t know? Why my testicle backdrop has more square footage than most commercial recreational vehicles.

If anyone knows how to stop these intrusive thoughts please help, because I don’t know how much longer I can go on with thinking that I might need distance surgery to get my scrote and asshole closer together.

Straight Woman Can’t Wait to Introduce Boyfriend as “Partner” to Lesbian Friend

Posted on April 12, 2022 by Joanna McNaney Stein

BROOKLYN, NY — 35-year-old straight woman Jenny Spencer wasted no time introducing her boyfriend Mike Kang as her “partner” to her lesbian friend, Beth Castillo.

“I have waited for years to develop a strong enough friendship with a lesbian to start hanging out. I think I might have that with Beth,” stated Spencer. “Also, I watched the original ‘L-Word,’ so I basically know all the lingo. When Beth met Mike, I was so excited to finally say ‘partner’ instead of ‘boyfriend.’ It’s really important for straight people to do that for gay people, I’m sure.”

Kang, an electrician from the Bronx who’d started dating Spencer a year ago, was slightly surprised by the introduction.

“At first I wasn’t sure why Jenny wanted to go to a lesbian bar, but then she wanted me to meet her friend Beth,” said Kearns. “She introduced me as her ‘partner’ though, which was kinda weird. I thought maybe she was doing a cowboy impression or something since she drank so much before we got there, but Jenny told me that co-opting language is how you show solidarity with gay people, so that’s cool. Plus they had the Yankees game on at the bar.”

Professor of Sociolinguistics, Julie Jensen, argues the effort to be politically correct in conversation can sometimes backfire.

“The nervousness around being PC with a gay person is often overstated by the straight person,” Jensen explained. “Then again, if you are not being ‘inclusive’ with your language, that’s cause for concern. Studies show that women who identify as straight will call boyfriends anything from their ‘partner’ to ‘life companion’ or even ‘soul mate’ if they perceive a gay person, or even anyone else more marganilized than them, is within a 20-yard radius.”

At press time, Kang was introducing Spencer, the woman he’s been sleeping with exclusively and talking to every day for five months, as his “special lady friend, or whatever” to his closest straight guy friends.

Underoath are one of the few post-hardcore and metalcore bands from the 2000s who have only gotten heavier with age. They continue to push their limits with their 9th studio album “Voyeurist.”

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