HUNTINGTON, N.Y. — Veteran bouncer Lucas Clonesworth accepted an old Blockbuster membership card as a valid form of ID for yesterday’s 21 and over show at the Paramount music venue, sources who subsequently second-guessed ditching theirs years ago confirmed.
“Nothing is more effective at revealing your age than an old laminated Blockbuster membership card that’s been lodged in your wallet for decades,” said Clonesworth while rejecting someone’s perfectly valid driver’s license because it was out of state and deemed “too difficult” to find the date of birth. “No one under the age of 30 has even seen one of these mythical Blockbuster cards in real life, but those old enough to remember renting physical movies from physical buildings with physical money using physical membership cards are all too familiar with it. I’m not sure it’s technically legal. All I know is that if you rented ‘The Pelican Brief’ in 1995 from the largest movie rental chain in the country at the time, you’re definitely allowed in this show.”
This was not the first time Jenny Graham’s Blockbuster membership came in handy.
“You wouldn’t believe the amount of places that accept your Blockbuster card as a valid form of identification,” said Graham before dazzling a group of 19-year-olds with her Blockbuster rental history. “I actually lost my driver’s license years ago and started using my Blockbuster card instead. It’s worked to prove my age at liquor stores, as a last-minute passport substitute for international flights, and even to vote in local and national elections. Blockbuster may be dead, but their legacy lives on for those of us old enough to remember paying an extra fee for not rewinding videotapes before returning.”
Experts predicted the future of identification methods.
“Humans are the only species on earth that require the use of an ID to prove their existence to other humans,” said sociologist Kat Diagramm. “Don’t worry, before you know it, those COVID vaccination cards rotting in all of our wallets are going to pass as valid forms of ID at 21+ shows. You got a booster in 2021? Just wait until 2052 when teens will have no idea what that is and you’ll be the old one now. Tragically, it happens to us all.”
In related news, Clonesworth accepted a signed and dated receipt for a Blind Melon CD from an old Tower Records as a valid form of ID for a 21 and over show.