Help! I Ironically Bought A Hawaiian Shirt And It’s The Most Comfortable Thing I’ve Ever Worn

Posted on by Robert John Scucci

It all happened so fast. My wife and I just purchased an L-shaped couch, and I was tasked with the horrifying mission of finding some matching throw pillows to bring the whole living room together. I know, it’s the lamest, whitest, most 30 something year old thing a guy could do, but hey I’m getting older. It’s gonna happen sooner or later. While I was getting ready to leave one Walmart to head to a different one across town, I saw it from across the aisle. The loudest, most obnoxious, flower covered Hawaiian shirt I have ever seen in my life. I had to have it.

The price? 13 bucks. The cost? I think I’m still finding out.

At first blush I was hypnotized. I rushed home, and ran to the bedroom. I tore it off the hanger and suited up. Let me tell you, you have not experienced true, unbridled comfort until you’ve slipped into one of these bad boys. I went to show off my new look at the local sidewalk cafe, but I was getting dirty looks. “They’re just jealous” I thought. But when I went to order my drink, I was cornered. They kept yelling something about “go home boogaloo boy,” and I had no clue what they were talking about.

The situation escalated quickly, so I grabbed a nearby tiki torch to defend myself. Apparently that made matters worse because that’s pretty typical behavior I’ve since been told. It all got a little fuzzy after that point, but I had to call my wife to pick me up from a holding cell shortly after. She made me wear a garbage bag over my shirt on the way home and kept telling me she knew this would happen.

We’ve all been misguided by irony at one point or another, and we’re all captivated by its allure. Whether it’s saying a slang word like “hella” or “fleek” for fun and realizing months later that it’s just now part of our lexicon, or even worse going to the driving range on a larf and winding up spending every Saturday drinking iced tea and lemonade on the back 9. But god dammit, I liked that stupid shirt, and I still don’t really see how it was hurting anybody.

I’m a big guy! My fashion choices are very limited! I just wanted to take a big swing with my wardrobe for once, I don’t understand how that makes me “part of the problem.”

Take this as a cautionary tale of the dangers of embracing irony. The insincere things you say and do will eventually consume you. I thought I was just going to eventually switch over to sandals and grill pineapple every once in a while. Maybe even make one of those giant mixed drinks that are served out of a fish bowl. But now I’m on a watch list because I like the way cotton and rayon feels against my nipples. Oh well, live and learn

Crust Punk Can Only Piss Self When People Are Watching

Posted on by Johnny Sparkles

BEND, Ore. — Local crust punk Exena Groman admitted that she is only able to relieve her bladder if multiple people are watching and it causes immediate distress for anyone in the surrounding area, confirmed friends that no longer let her sleep on their couch.

“I can, and have, pissed pretty much anywhere, but find it so much more rewarding when there are people yelling ‘dear god please stop before you get it on my child,’ and stuff like that,” said Groman. “They call it ‘peeing yourself,’ but when people are watching, it makes me feel less alone for a few seconds. I was inspired to do this by my dog Darby, he pees in public all the time, and he even stares me right in the eyes when he shits on the sidewalk. I want to be more like him. I think we should all have the freedom to blast shit and piss wherever we want, and if people are around to see it then it’s even better for me.”

Groman’s boyfriend, Lenny “Shank” Capshaw, doesn’t seem too comfortable with his partner’s technique of expelling waste.

“I’m not some conservative type that only pees in pristine toilets like I’m the King of England, but she goes out of her way to do it in front of crowds even when there’s an open bathroom. She used to say it was me and her against the world, but now she gets so excited when strangers are around,” said Capshaw. “It’s like she’s putting on a performance. I love her, but I’m having a hard time supporting this disgusting aspect of her life. She was always proud to call herself a gutter punk, but these days it seems like she only uses gutters for pissing. We used to squat in abandoned apartments. Now she squats everywhere.”

Chaz Tompkins, a psychiatrist who specializes in the crust punk subculture, thinks it might be more of a mental issue.

“The crustie lifestyle is communal at heart, but some of these people forget the roots of it all,” said Tompkins. “It’s like they want to mark their territory, but they push people away with their odors. They crave attention but get upset when people make faces or talk shit. Nothing lines up. They’re as out of touch with society as they are with the crust punk essence. That’s why I left the scene. There’s no art anymore.”

At press time, Groman was seen releasing puddles of urine, while belting out a Rancid song at a live punk rock karaoke show.

Photo by Jana Miller. 

GG Allin Hologram to Throw Feces at Coachella

Posted on by John Kennedy

Indio, Calif. — Goldenvoice announced this week that Coachella will close out with a bang this year, as a revolutionary new hologram of GG Allin will chuck his feces directly into the crowd, excited sources confirmed.

“It’s been ten years since we brought the Tupac hologram to the world and we wanted to top ourselves by bringing to life another legend that we lost too soon,” said Goldenvoice CEO Paul Tollett. “We’re psyched that GG will be a part of Coachella. It should really mix things up to have him up there. Plus the abundance of human feces flowing from the inadequate bathroom facilities should provide plenty of ammo.”

Engineers were still working out the kinks as to whether said feces would also be a hologram, or in fact be “real human doo-doo [sic].”

“We don’t know exactly what he’ll be working with. We’re developing a new hybrid technology that would allow a hologram to interface with the real, tangible world,” said Cal Tech engineer Bev Trill, Ph.D. “Obviously if he’s throwing real crap it would create a more exciting, visceral experience for all involved, but we still have a lot of work to do before we can make that happen.”

Allin, who passed away in 1993, left a gaping hole in the scene for people who preferred a live show rich with bodily fluids.

“So far the closest they’ve come to sending a turd into the crowd was when Muse played.” said longtime Coachella fan Jenny Spiegel. While Spiegel personally had no interest in being muddied by the likes of Allin, she looked forward to his antics leveling the playing field among the VIPs. “Hopefully they can program the thing to hit Jonah Hill.”

Cleanup is sure to take several weeks following Allin’s simian-like closing act, but promoters think they’ve struck gold. “If this goes as well as I hope, I’d like to take hologram GG on tour. Maybe franchise it out and have him play in several cities at once. I really think we’ve stepped in something good!” exclaimed Jerry Thompson, CFO at Goldenvoice.

While Allin’s act was considered extremely shocking in his time, today’s concertgoers, like Spiegel, said it would hardly be the most egregious thing to hit Coachella. “I don’t think it’s any more offensive than a white girl wearing a bindi.”

Mom Takes Haircut Personally

Posted on by Cathy Herbert

CHILLICOTHE, Ohio — Local mom Phyllis Marlon filed a private defamation lawsuit against her daughter, Lisa, after the fourteen-year-old returned home from a trip to the Guernsey Crossing Mall sporting a green and yellow mullet with spiked bangs.

“I am shocked and saddened that a member of my own family would do something like this to me,” said the elder Marlon. “I’m still processing the trauma I’ve endured from the recent actions of my daughter, and while this lawsuit may have no basis in criminal court, I pray that this civil case will provide sufficient justice for me to begin the healing process.”

Little brother Jeffrey Marlon, who got an up-close view of the fallout from his spot at the dinner table, reported that the scene at the Marlon household upon his sister’s return was “better than Dragonball.”

“When Lisa took her hood off my mom screamed worse than when I asked the minister where God came from. Then she started crying and said Lisa was just trying to get back at her for making her wear those hair ribbons to her kindergarten graduation,” the 10-year-old recalled. “Then one of Lisa’s eyeballs got stuck in the top of its socket and she had to go to the bathroom to sort it out and while she was in there mom searched Lisa’s backpack and confiscated her Tic Tacs because Jesus doesn’t hang with drug heads.”

Diane Martin, a neighbor, and member of Phyllis Marlon’s garden club witnessed Lisa walking home with her new coiffe before the altercation occurred.

“I knew right away that the Creek West High PTA Facebook page was going to be very entertaining that night, and I was not disappointed,” she said as she unloaded seven grocery bags of instant white rice from her Dodge Caravan. “Shelley Plymoth posted a picture of one of those little yellow fellows in the overalls with the exact same haircut. I’ve never seen so many laugh-crying emoji comments on a single post in my life. And when that ‘unmarried’ teacher with the double pierced ears started defending Lisa, well I just broke out the chardonnay and settled in for the evening.”

At press time, it was confirmed that Lisa Marlon was in talks with her cool aunt Maureen as de facto legal counsel and someone with whom to talk shit about how much wine her mom drinks.

Guy Can Get You Deal on 500 of the Shittiest Stickers You’ve Ever Seen

Posted on by Amanda Russel

FRESNO, Calif. — Local sticker hook up Archie Sutherfield said he would love to talk to you about an incredible opportunity and deal that he doesn’t do normally, but for you, he’ll make an exception.

“You’re gonna be so glad you got in on this deal. You can’t get five hundred stickers like this anywhere else for this good a price,” said the salesman, full of conviction. “I’ve worked with everyone you can think of in the scene, and some real big hitters, too. Ever heard of Blistered Sternum? I made all their stickers. Simple as 1, 2,3—you take down my number, yeah? That way you can get ahold of me if you can’t find me around, that’s my guy and he’ll page me and we can talk numbers and designs.”

Sutherfield hightailed it out of the parking lot after hearing a distant police siren, which left you with some options to weigh.

“This guy seems weird, but maybe he could be legit?” you wondered, looking at the contact info he left and barely making out the numbers, and for some reason, letters. “What area code is this, anyway? It’s for sure not Fresno. Do I need stickers this bad? I mean it is a great deal, but the downside is that those were the shittiest stickers I’ve ever seen in my life. I’m pretty sure they’re printed on newsprint, and a few of them looked like they were just temporary tattoos from one of those 50 cent machines at the grocery store.”

One of Sutherfield’s past customers, Lindsey Davies, recalled what she claims is the “dumbest mistake I’ve ever made,” adding that Sutherfield is full of shit and not to be trusted.

“Yeah, I found his ad on Craigslist, and at the time I was desperate, my band was going on tour and we needed stickers really bad, so I took the deal and thought, how bad can they be? Real fuckin’ bad, turns out,” she explained. “They don’t stick, they peel off right away, they’re printed on flimsy-ass paper and when they get wet the ink runs everywhere and stains everything. And all the colors are completely different from what I asked for. I warn everyone I know the best I can. I would have been better off using mailing labels.”

Sutherfield, however, holds on to his claim of high quality, and currently continues to take drive-ups in the parking lot behind your local Target.

At press time, Sutherfield was taking a much-needed break from his sticker company to field an inquiry about his side hustle creating the worst album cover art ever seen by anyone.

Help! My Girlfriend Still Hasn’t Heard The Marriage Proposal Hidden In My Band’s New EP

Posted on by Rachel Steele

I love my girlfriend Sammy. She’s the most supportive and kindest human being I’ve ever known. She attends every show with my band, Twisted Fister, and she listens to all our music regularly. At least, that’s what I thought, but now I’m not so sure. It doesn’t seem like she has heard the marriage proposal I’ve hidden on the last track of Twisted Fister’s newest EP.

I had my suspicions the day after I sent Sammy the link for the EP. I asked what she thought of it, she said “It was great, babe,” At first I took that as a “yes,” and went right into planning mode. “I was thinking April, we can have your family come down, but not your racist uncle, we can serve empanadas and French fries, I have a buddy who can get us a real nice deal on a limo…” But then I noticed how confused she looked. She was all “Why would we take a limo to dinner?” and “I don’t think they have empanadas at Chipotle babe.”

Sammy is a notorious procrastinator, so I gave her the benefit of the doubt for a couple days. Days became. weeks. I started dropping hints, but they went over her head. I asked her what she thought of the EP, she said “It was great, babe.” I asked about the last track, with the solid lyrics and the exciting bridge and that totally insane last chorus, then she said, “Oh man, that was so great, babe,” without looking up from her phone.

It’s getting pretty uncomfortable. My bandmates are starting to ask if she’s heard it yet, my mom is getting in my head suggesting she already heard it, and her enthusiastic parents are struggling to hide their surprise engagement party favors. I had a new plan to make the song her ringtone, but she answers her phone super fast. I sat her down and played the song for her, but she got bored.

Twisted Fister may have broke up three months ago, but tomorrow I‘m going to invite Sammy to a super exclusive private show, no distractions, round up all the band members, hire a drummer since fucking Linda left to become a cop, and play the whole EP in its entirety, with an accompanying slideshow. Nothing can go wrong.

I’m also posting this on our fan page, which she manages, just to cover all of our bases. Wish me luck, and thank you for continuing to support Twisted Fister in whatever form it takes. Looking like maybe a solo act. A very solo act.

Drummer Can’t Believe Rude Neighbors Constantly Pounding on Walls During Practice

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

ANAHEIM, Calif. — Local drummer Brendan Molina cannot believe how unbelievably rude his neighbors are being by constantly pounding on the walls of their shared apartment complex while he is trying to practice his instrument, sources indicate.

“It’s is really fucking unacceptable how low the lack of common courtesy here is,” said Molina while trying to ignore the ceaseless thumps coming from every wall of his efficiency apartment. “I have a show on Saturday, and if I don’t have the breakdowns timed perfectly then we will be a laughing stock. I don’t think it’s unreasonable that I should be able to concentrate on practicing my art in the privacy of my own home. I try to practice at times when it won’t bother people, like early before they have to get up for work, but all I get is dirty looks in the parking lot. Bunch of savages in this place.”

Molina’s next-door neighbor Beatriz Yang took exception to his complaints.

“Listen, I get it, he needs to practice,” Yang said while uselessly adjusting a white noise machine. “I respect that someone has an artistic goal and goes for it, I really do. And everyone in the building has tried to reach out to him. We even asked the building super Ted (Downing) to get him some better soundproofing for his place and said we’d chip in if that would solve the problem. Ted said that he said that ‘will make him feel like he’s suffocating’ and that a drum solo ‘lives and breathes in the freedom of sound,’ whatever that means. We really all try, but sometimes you just snap and start hitting the wall. I mean, I’m an ER nurse and I’ve been getting so little sleep with all that drumming, I nearly fell asleep on a gunshot victim.”

“It’s okay, he didn’t make it anyway,” Yang added.

Tobias Riddle taught Molina drum lessons for two years and supports his former student completely.

“I think those selfish sons of bitches in that apartment complex need to suck it up and realize what they’ve got there,” said Riddle. “Brendan is one of the finest students I’ve had the honor to teach, and they should feel grateful to get to listen to him perfect his art. That kid is really going places, and someday they’re going to feel like shit that they tried to disrupt the creative growth of a potential genius. Fucking rude, is what it is.”

As of press time, Molina was screaming at the bawling infant next door to stop interrupting his solo.

Photo by Brandon Davis.

Woman In Einstein T-Shirt Asked to Name Three Non-Optical Implications of Lorentz Transformation

Posted on by Andrew Murphy

CHICAGO — Local woman Bethany Bryant was accosted while wearing a T-shirt depicting Albert Einstein by a man who demanded that she prove her understanding of the Theory of Special Relativity by naming Three Non-Optical Implications of the Lorentz Transformation, confirmed confused sources sitting nearby.

“I was just eating a sandwich and this guy came up to me and scoffed at my shirt,” said Bryant while covering her Einstein shirt with a cardigan. “Then he started talking about how normies don’t understand the difference between time dilation and time contraction. I only got this shirt cause I thought it looked cool, but if I knew that weirdos were going to bother me about the Inverse Doppler Effect I never would have gotten it.”

Daniel Howe, a long-time fan of Theoretical Physics and Einstein in specific, was incensed by Bryant’s lack of knowledge about the topic.

“Posers will calculate a few Schwarzchild Radii in their first year of college and think they understand what Einstein is all about,” said Howe. “There’s so much more to Special Relativity than mass-energy equivalence. Theoretical physics saved my life. When I was a kid I used to hang around all the big physics venues, CalTec, MIT, just hoping to see some of my heroes laying down the newest theorems on X-Ray Cavitation. I would be the first one to show up at their lectures and the last one to leave, but now the whole scene seems so corporate.”

While Einstein’s status as a popular figure is undisputed, some agree with Howe’s sentiments and feel that the Physicist has become just another trendy symbol.

“People feel outraged when they see things that they have used as markers of identity transformed into pop culture icons,” said Professor Jacob Brouder from Princeton University and author of “E=MC Hammer: Special Relativity in Popular Culture 1983-2003.” “Like just the other day I saw this dumb jock talk about how he’d heard nothing can go faster than light. And I said to myself, ‘yeah dude I know.’ I saw Edward Witten present M-Theory at USC back in 95. I got kicked out of the Sakurai Awards for booing Georeg Zwig. I was there when CERN fired up the Low Energy Anti-Proton Ring in Geneva and proved that Tetraquarks gave had Charge-Parity Violations outside of confines predicted by Standard Models.”

Bryant admitted she was still bothered by the conversation but returned to work at the Feinberg School of Medicine where she is a senior research fellow on Chromosomal Translocation and Thyroid Lymphomas.

Review: Megadeth “Killing Is My Business …And Business is Good!”

Posted on by John Danek

Every Sunday, The Hard Times revisits notable albums from the past. This week, we tackle Megadeth’s “Killing Is My Business… and Business Is Good!” which has stood as the de facto soundtrack to getting kicked out of things for almost 40 years.

Metallica’s Dave Mustaine probably thought he had it all. He was in the hottest underground metal band in Los Angeles. He had flowing locks of vibrant orange hair. And he played a V-shaped guitar. What more could a guy ask for? No, please tell me, because I’m trying and can’t think of anything more I want out of life at all.

Anyways, the one thing he lacked was the ability to not be a drunk asshole. Lars & Jim kicked out Dave, leaving him to start his own thrash metal behemoth Megadeth. (His former bandmates were so callous that they didn’t even bother to point out his embarrassing misspelling of “death.”)

Megadeth’s debut album starts with “Last Rites,” a beautiful piano prelude that represents the few minutes of calm before you get kicked out of something. Sure, you just broke your brother-in-law’s adjustable standing desk during your niece’s 2nd birthday party. But they’re not going to make you leave, are they?

Yes they are, and the absolute thrasher “Loved to Death” confirms this fact. It also confirms that when he really tries, Mustaine can spell “death” correctly. “These Boots” is a cover of the classic country tune, written from the perspective of boots literally kicking your ass as they eject you from a Star Wars-themed bar for constantly making the Star Trek “Live long and prosper” hand sign.

“Looking Down the Cross” serves as a reminder that even Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ was kicked out of life, so to speak. But he came back uninvited three days later, and so should you. Preferably to album closer “Mechanix” blasting from your GTO while you do it.

Now, some of you may contend that Semisonic’s “Closing Time” is the one true soundtrack of being asked to leave. But there is a key difference. “Closing Time” is a polite reminder that, by no fault of your own, this establishment is closing. “Killing Is My Business” is the sound of being physically ejected from a group of friends, band, or place, DJ Jazzy Jeff/Uncle Phil style. And it fucking rips.

Score: 5 out of 5 Restraining Orders

/**/

Is Your Partner Cheating or Is It Possible They Somehow Have Friends in Their Thirties?

Posted on by Jus Kaplan

So the love of your life has been acting different and you’re worried they might be cheating on you. Well before you jump to conclusions, take a deep breath and consider there may be other explanations for their behavior. Maybe they have a hefty work assignment keeping them late at the office. Or maybe they started a new hobby that’s consuming their free time. Although incredibly unlikely, they could even be spending time with friends. That last one is the least likely, however. Who the hell can maintain a friendship in their thirties?

Here are a few signs to help you determine if your significant other is cheating or if they’re a goddamn unicorn who can connect platonically with others past the age of 29.

They say things like, “I was out having a drink with my friends”
99.9% of the time, this is a bald-faced lie. How in the world could your 30-something partner have friends? Amidst the grueling daily grind of adulthood, what kind of perverted monster has the time to cultivate friendships? Let alone finding a group of people who would want to spend time with them in public? Sorry to break it to you, but your partner is simply not that desirable.

They show you a photo of them with a group of “friends”
Nice alibi. Too bad you’re not a gullible fool! The odds of a 36-year-old having multiple friends who are able and willing to meet up together on a weeknight are one in a million. You’re more likely to be struck by lightning! In all likelihood, that’s probably just a pre-orgy group photo. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.

They ask you if you’d like to join a board game night with these so-called “friends”
So your partner is extending a casual invitation to participate in a totally non-sexual group activity? Sounds fishy. It is very likely this is a ruse to distract you from the fact they are cheating on you with one (or likely all) of these board game enthusiasts. No one actually likes Settlers of Catan. They just get perverse sexual pleasure from humiliating you!

Don’t believe the lies. The only “Friends” anyone should have after their twenties are the ones currently streaming on HBO.

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