I Missed the Show Trying To Decide if I Should Wear a Jacket Thick Enough To Stay Warm or Thin Enough to Not Have To Take Off Inside

Posted on by David Arriaga

It’s been a while since I’ve been to a show and my friend’s band is playing tonight. My plan was to jump back into my typical show routine. Do a shot, chug a beer, quickly pick out the right jacket for tonight, do another shot, chug another beer, and order an Uber with enough time leftover to fill up my flask so I won’t sober up on the ride over. Well, I spent so long trying to decide if I was better off bringing a jacket thick enough to stay warm or thin enough so I don’t have to take it off inside that I missed the entire show!

It’s not my fault. It was a very difficult decision. I figured if I wore my tried-and-true bomber, eventually I was going to get way too hot and I’d have to take it off and tie it around my waist like a fifth-grader. I guess I could have checked my coat with the venue but I’m pretty sure that kind of behavior can get you killed at a show like this. I also do not have money to be throwing around on renting hourly storage for a jacket.

So then I thought if I wear the windbreaker, I’ll freeze every time I go outside to smoke. Last time I wore that jacket I could barely ask people for cigarettes all night because my teeth were constantly chattering.

I ended up spreading both jackets on my bed and staring at them for the last four hours. I’ll just text my friend and make up something less embarrassing like that I got too drunk before the show and passed out in my own puke.

Historians Unearth Lost Scriptures Where Jesus is Super Rude to Waiter

Posted on by Ben Friedman

JERUSALEM — Archeologists from Brown University made a bombshell discovery late last week in a long-lost scripture describing Jesus being super rude to the waiter at the Last Supper.

“We are just as astonished as anyone else, and frankly we were reluctant to reveal our discovery. But we felt it does hold significant historical value and acts as a crucial puzzle piece explaining why the after-church crowds are so openly hostile to the service industry workers,” said Dr. Annette Langston. “It was surreal to read that Jesus demanded their table be moved three times because it was too close to the bathroom, only to exclaim afterward ‘do thy know whom my father is?’ I can see why this was kept hidden for so long.”

The scriptures had been held up to extreme scrutiny by the Vatican for months before the findings went public.

“After comparing these scriptures to our archives, we can confirm that these are indeed the writings of St. Matthew, describing Jesus snapping his fingers at the waiter to get his attention. While these scriptures reveal the Son of God to be less of a savior of humanity and more of a petty control freak, we do want to reiterate that he still does love everyone, and that he was probably just hangry,” said Cardinal Gustav Vargo. “The more our scholars look through this text, it does appear it was even unknown to Jesus that it’s easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than to procure a 12-top without a reservation.”

News of the first new bible verse in hundreds of years has turned the world on its head, particularly for the millions who work in the service industry.

“Well this explains literally everything, doesn’t it? I always wondered how a benevolent prophet who preached peace and love could beget such insufferable followers. At least now I know when the Sunday crowd beelines straight from church to our restaurant and only orders water, they’re actually doing it in Jesus’ name,” said Jeff Stein. “I mean that part about him demanding they make him a dish that wasn’t on the menu anymore was spot on. It figures that today’s Christians would justify their behavior based on cherry-picked Bible verses, even ones that were hidden for millennia.”

As of press time, researchers in Italy discovered a fresco corroborating the content of the scriptures, depicting Jesus rolling his eyes at the manager when being told the kitchen was out of ranch dressing.

We Rank Our Childhood Friends by How Into Crypto They Are Now

Posted on by Colleen Nerney

So your best buddy from 1st grade faded out of your life by the time you were in college. It happens! Childhood friendships often wind up morphing into nothing more than the occasional social media interaction, whether that be an accidental Instagram story reply or screenshotting their Facebook status to send to your other friends to make fun of. So we figured, hey, why not put together a ranking of those friends we lost touch with, organized by how into crypto they’ve become?

5. Laura – Laura is ranked last on this list because, honestly, we’re not sure she knows what crypto is. She was homeschooled until 3rd grade and it shows. But she is really into essential oils now and definitely deep into a pyramid scheme, which doesn’t seem that far off from the whole crypto thing.

4. Ben – Ben is the dude who got way too into whatever fad was happening at the time in high school and it seems to have stuck. He was snapping up old packs of Pokémon cards the second the pandemic buying spree started and has yet to turn a profit. It makes sense that cryptocurrencies are at least on his hyperactive trend radar, though the only evidence so far is the Bored Ape t-shirt that he’s wearing in his Discord profile picture.

3. Natalie – Natalie is an artist who seemingly got sick of earning $1.04 in Redubble royalties every month and apparently moved on to making NFTs. Look, we get it. The arts are tough. But did she really need to resort to this? Plus, it’s made her art look worse somehow.

2. Mark – Mark was one of those guys who was into Bitcoin in 2013 and everyone just thought he was a drug dealer. He’s always been on the wrong side of sketchy and, frankly, his rise to prominence on crypto Twitter isn’t helping that reputation. Mark is currently lobbying to have a Bitcoin ATM installed at his corner bodega, so that pretty much tells you everything you need to know.

1. Owen – God. Fucking Owen, man. He gets first place for sure. His preferred social media is LinkedIn where he’s constantly posting about #thegrind even though he’s been a mid-level sales manager for the last decade. He’s gone fully down the crypto rabbit hole; posting about investments every three hours and doing giveaways for $5 worth of DogeCoin like he’s some kind of celebrity. Worst of all, he’s constantly trying to hit on women in sports bars in the middle of the day by half-assedly explaining the blockchain. You know what? We’re happy your dad’s been in jail since middle school.

Prog Rock Band Assigns Crowd Homework

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

LOS ANGELES — Progressive rock band, Sagramore, surprised attendees of their most recent show when they used the time schedule for an encore to assign all ticketholders a homework assignment.

“Well, I certainly can’t say this is how I saw the show progressing, but c’est la vie, I guess,” remarked attendee Jason Tibbs while googling Arthurian legends. “I really like these guys, but to be frank, I’m really only into them for the music composition and structure. These guys have some pretty sick riffs and solos, but I don’t know what the hell they’re singing about half the time. I just assumed Guinevere was the lead singer’s ex or something. I was just going to blow this off, but they said that this was legally binding, so guess I’m writing a thousand-word essay on Medieval England?”

Sagramore frontman and rhythm guitarist Will Allard says that homework is an important aspect of truly understanding a band.

“Our music is meant to be an immersive and enlightening experience, so by giving these assignments, we ensure fans are fully engaging with our art,” said Allard while reviewing the syllabus for the band’s next tour. “Contrary to what some naysayers claim, this is not mindless busywork. Each lesson is crafted to ensure that they have completely listened to our albums and have fully processed our lyrics. Anyone who actually listened to the album at least three times should have no problem completing the assignment, so I don’t see what everyone is complaining about.”

Rock experts noted that while prog rock has always had a high opinion of itself, this new form of fan interaction was unexpected.

“With prog rock bands, their usual masturbatory gesture is some overwrought stage show like Rick Wakeman’s ice show, but this is another level. They had roadies ready to hand out the worksheets to everyone in attendance and they want the papers turned back in by Friday,” said music historian Scott Gerdick. “Not a lot of people have the patience to sit through 15-minute songs about obscure Jules Verne short stories, so tacking on homework to a six-hour concert may not be the best idea. For a genre that most people dismiss as pseudo-intellectual garbage, this really just confirms people’s stereotypes. The only band that could get away with this is Radiohead, but I don’t think even they’d do it.”

At press time, the band asked a fan at the front of the crowd if he had enough gum for the entire venue.

New Stepdad Hairiest Yet

Posted on by Dianne Nora

DALLAS — Gary McGee, a 50-year-old insurance salesman from Fort Worth who recently married mother of three, Linda Villalobos, is by far the children’s hairiest stepfather to date.

“I thought the last guy was bad, but man, it’s like he’s some kind of animal,” said Logan Villalobos, the youngest child. “It seems to be coming from everywhere: his ears, his nose, his feet. I don’t think there are any patches of his skin where hair isn’t there. His chest hair sticks out even when he’s wearing a turtleneck. He has more hair than my neighbor Miss Vicky’s dog.”

Alex, the oldest Villalobos child, suspects her mom wanted a change from her previous partners.

“Barry, he was our first stepdad, he was okay. But he was totally bald,” Alex Villalobos said, absentmindedly twirling her own hair. “I think maybe Mom’s subconsciously rebelling against him by finding the hairiest man in Texas. You really have to see Gary yourself. I don’t really care that much, but people do stare. He took us to the beach last summer. It looked like he was wearing a sweater. I told Logan he’s part bear.”

Anthropologist Myra Walsh confirmed that while many do lose their hair, some men grow more hirsute as they age.

“Our bodies can be full of surprises as we reach our senior years, and changes in hair are just part of that beautiful process,” Walsh said, just before seeing a photograph of McGee. “Jesus. You can barely see his eyes. The last time I saw something half this hairy it turned out to be an old carpet someone tossed out on the side of the road. On second thought, he might want to have his hormone levels checked. It’s entirely possible that this is simply genetic, but on the off-chance that this marks some sort of otherworldly explanation, I think humanity should have a record of it.”

At press time, McGee was shaving his beard for the third time today.

Man Pretty Sure It Is HR Violation To Tell Coworker His Band’s Name

Posted on by Cory Cousins

CHARLESTON, W.Va. — Local man and lead singer of popular metal band, A Fistful of Fetuses, thought it a good idea to consult his company’s policies and procedures before disclosing his band name to fellow coworkers, sources close to the man confirm.

“I just landed this job at Pho Whom The Bowl Tolls and I’m trying not to screw this one up,” admitted A Fistful of Fetuses vocalist, Brandon McTeague. “I mean, anyone worth their salt in the Deathgrind scene would tell you that our band name is not meant to offend, but more to sicken and shock people into listening to our music out of morbid curiosity. But you know how it is these days, everybody has to be offended by something. I’m just going to play it safe before handing out our fetus keychain merch.”

An HR manager at the corporate offices of Pho Whom The Bowl Tolls was available to clarify questions regarding professionalism in the workplace.

“His band’s name is what?” asked baffled HR manager, Shelly Patterson. “We at PWTBT do not condone the exploitation of a fetus, let alone a fistful of them, for the sole purpose of promoting a second-rate Deathgrind band. That is just unacceptable on every level. Now, if we’re talking about top-tier Deathgrind such as Napalm Death or Cattle Decapitation, then we might reconsider. But this is just amateur hour as far as I’m concerned.”

Others in the community, including McTeague’s mom, gave their opinion about the controversial namesake of the local band.

“I don’t like it, but that’s never stopped Brandon before,” noted McTeague’s mother, Barb McTeague. “On the one hand, I like to support my son and all of his endeavors, but on the other hand it can be a little horrifying, and frankly, embarrassing. Whenever my friends inquire about my son, the conversation usually leads to his music, and I never know what to tell them when it comes to the band name, so I usually just tell them it’s called, ‘A Fistful of Fun.’”

At press time, after learning about the company’s opinion of his band, McTeague decided to leave the restaurant and try his luck at another local eatery, Cock Of The Wok.

Modern Day Rapunzel? This Guy at the County Fair Is Letting Women Play With His Rat Tail

Posted on by Michael Gursky

Somebody call the Brothers Grimm! A modern-day retelling of their famous German fairy tale, Rapunzel, took place at the Wake County Fair, as a burly man allowed a line of flustered local ladies to caress and play with his lengthy rat tail.

We sure would like to be locked up in a tower with him!

The most eligible fair-goers North Carolina had to offer stood single-file, awaiting their turn to approach the brooding man and tug on his narrow strand of hair, excitedly preparing for the Disney princess moment they had always imagined.

“Wee!” one woman shouted before vomiting a Big Gulp-sized stream of jungle juice onto the rat-tailed man’s steel-toe boots. Like a scorpion, he swung his body in a smooth vigorous spin and flung the little puking lady off of his hair, projecting her into a deep-fried Snickers cart.

The incident did not deter other inebriated, small-town ladies from playing with the tail. The line stayed steady all day, making it the most popular attraction at the fair that didn’t involve racing pigs.

County Fair organizers weren’t angry with the man for garnering so much fanfare, so long as he cut them a piece of his profit.

“I gave the greedy fucks a buck for every 5 I made,” reasoned the unnamed rat-tailed man, who had quite a bit of cash stuffed into his sleeveless Marshall Tucker Band half-tee. “But I get it. This is just how it goes in the rat tail business. And believe me, brother, business is good.”

Man Clearly Lying About Which Band’s Show He Caught COVID At

Posted on by Sean Fallon

BOULDER, Colo. — Local man and obvious liar, Benjamin Walters, who was recently diagnosed with COVID, claims to have caught at “the gnarliest show” he’d ever been to, sources who wish he knew he didn’t have to try so hard confirmed.

“Oh my god, this show was wild,” said Walters, visibly sweating and not making eye contact. “Los Crudos played a secret show and there were tons of girls there and a free bar…and an ice cream truck. Yeah, it was just a once-in-a-lifetime thing, dude. Yeah. And they didn’t advertise it or review it or anything. Oh, and they banned us from posting about it on social media so that’s why I didn’t post any pics. Also, we weren’t allowed to take pictures at all. It sucks I got COVID from it but hey, shows like that don’t come around every day, you know?”

Friends of Walters have found themselves suspicious of his version of events due to previous similar situations in which Walters lied and was subsequently found out.

“He tries to pull this shit all the time,” said Walters’ high school friend, Sadie Mitchum. “When we were teenagers, he would get grounded then come into school the next day pretending he snuck out and had some crazy adventure and made out with like twenty girls, when really he’d just be on MSN Messenger trying to get Sophie Burns’ from chem class’s email address off her friends. It’s pathetic but harmless. It just means that anything that comes out of his mouth is basically bullshit.”

Those close to Walters Googled the event and found no evidence of its existence, but they did find that one band had been playing nearby on the night that he contracted COVID-19.

“I fully believe he went to a show, but the only thing going on that sounded remotely close to a ‘crazy punk show’ was a Smash Mouth cover band called The L-Shaped Fingers and Thumbs,” said girlfriend Danica Salazar. “There’s even a photo of him sitting behind their merch table on some sports bar’s Instagram, and he’s not even drinking or anything. I would be upset about him lying but I’m mostly just too embarrassed for him to say anything.”

As of press time, Walters’ condition had worsened and doctors treating him were suspicious of his story that he contracted COVID while going on a date with Michelle Obama.

Photo by Jana Miller. 

Heartwarming: When This Teacher Couldn’t Afford School Supplies, a Millionaire Offered to Sleep With His Wife

Posted on by Eli Johnson

When it comes to America’s teachers, I think we can all agree the label is more than deserved. One such hero is the tireless Mark Sheffield, one of the “dopest” teachers at Pine Crest Middle School, according to his students, who he is willing to do just about anything for. So when the school board announced budget cuts, the cost of classroom supplies would soon be coming out of Mr. Sheffield’s pockets. That is, until a guardian angel intervened.

After hearing of the Sheffield household’s financial troubles, a complete stranger reached out to Mark and his lovely wife Linda with a generous proposal. Enter Henry McMaster, a wealthy real estate developer who graciously offered to aid Mr. Sheffield by sleeping with his wife.

“What can I say? I was moved when I noticed Linda in the background of Mark’s Go Fund Me video Googling how to sell plasma,” McMaster said. “I just felt that I wanted, no, that I had to do something.”
Amazing!

“Sure, some people might have offered money,” McMaster continued, “But a few dry erase markers and notebooks would just be putting a band aid on the more systemic challenges facing our education system. By taking his wife as my own for a night of ecstasy at my country manor, I could show her what true financial security feels like, even if for a fleeting moment, and more importantly, give Mark the motivation to buckle down and achieve like I have.”

Wow! So many feels! With so much animus directed at the 1 percent, it’s important to remember they’re human beings with hearts too. Just ask Mr. Sheffield.

“This gesture was a godsend in what has felt like a pretty bleak time for educators,” Sheffield said. “Our school district just banned mask mandates, which as an immunocompromised individual has me a bit concerned. Plus, parents have been grilling me about critical race theory, even though I teach algebra. But I still feel like I have the best job in the world, and Mr. McMaster’s generosity has even inspired me to pick up a side hustle delivering for Grubhub.”

Stop it. No, you’re crying! It just goes to show that, with a little grit and determination, there’s nothing America’s teachers can’t do, especially with the aid of sexual philanthropists like Henry McMaster!
“Sheffield isn’t the only educator struggling right now, and to his peers I just want to say that if you have a hot wife, I will ball that woman 5 ways from sundown, for the children.”

Entire Coffee Shop Grimaces As Vegan Barista Announces “Cow’s Milk” Latte

Posted on by Lauren Sewell

SAN FRANCISCO — Customers at local coffee shop, Verdant Cafe, collectively felt shivers go through their spines when a barista announced a “cow’s milk” latte was now ready for pick up, multiple sources confirmed.

“What sort of sick freak still orders dairy milk? We can extract milk from a cashew, for Christ’s sake, yet apparently some people are still totally fine with tearing a baby cow away from its mother and also shitting their pants,” said vegan punk River Howell. “When the barista yelled “cow’s milk latte on the bar!” I could feel the entire room recoil. It’s honestly traumatic to be forced to think about bloody cow teats at 8 a.m. on a Tuesday. I’ve got a conference call in twenty, but I’m going to need at least thirty to decompress by calling my legislature about holding Darigold accountable.”

Abigail Gordon, the latte purchaser in question, was ashamed and annoyed with the barista’s smear campaign.

“When I missed the first call to pick up my drink, she announced it again by yelling, ‘This is the latte made from the milk of a forcibly impregnated cow,’ and then I heard one of the other customers whisper ‘enjoy your puss’ under their breath,” said Gordon. “I always considered dairy milk to be organic and natural, but these people were acting like I had just ordered a cup full of puppy guts or something. I would probably be open to other milk alternatives, but I read they are all packed with hormones. No thanks.”

Despite primarily catering to a vegan crowd, the coffee shop will still begrudgingly make a cow’s milk latte for a handful of ignorant tourists or heartless bastards.

“Man, I just relish in it. In a kind of sick way, I look forward to when one of these obtuse brutes enters the shop,” said shift manager Neel Singh. “So many people choose to remain in the dark about the consequences of their actions. But I’m here to remind them that their suffering pales in comparison to that of innocent cows and that Big Dairy needs to be burnt to the ground. I also like to make a middle finger or a giant dick in the foam for anyone that uses cow’s milk. It’s the little things that keep me going.”

At press time, Verdant Cafe staff gagged in unison when a couple wearing leather cowboy boots walked in.