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Is Your Partner Cheating or Is It Possible They Somehow Have Friends in Their Thirties?

So the love of your life has been acting different and you’re worried they might be cheating on you. Well before you jump to conclusions, take a deep breath and consider there may be other explanations for their behavior. Maybe they have a hefty work assignment keeping them late at the office. Or maybe they started a new hobby that’s consuming their free time. Although incredibly unlikely, they could even be spending time with friends. That last one is the least likely, however. Who the hell can maintain a friendship in their thirties?

Here are a few signs to help you determine if your significant other is cheating or if they’re a goddamn unicorn who can connect platonically with others past the age of 29.

They say things like, “I was out having a drink with my friends”
99.9% of the time, this is a bald-faced lie. How in the world could your 30-something partner have friends? Amidst the grueling daily grind of adulthood, what kind of perverted monster has the time to cultivate friendships? Let alone finding a group of people who would want to spend time with them in public? Sorry to break it to you, but your partner is simply not that desirable.

They show you a photo of them with a group of “friends”
Nice alibi. Too bad you’re not a gullible fool! The odds of a 36-year-old having multiple friends who are able and willing to meet up together on a weeknight are one in a million. You’re more likely to be struck by lightning! In all likelihood, that’s probably just a pre-orgy group photo. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.

They ask you if you’d like to join a board game night with these so-called “friends”
So your partner is extending a casual invitation to participate in a totally non-sexual group activity? Sounds fishy. It is very likely this is a ruse to distract you from the fact they are cheating on you with one (or likely all) of these board game enthusiasts. No one actually likes Settlers of Catan. They just get perverse sexual pleasure from humiliating you!

Don’t believe the lies. The only “Friends” anyone should have after their twenties are the ones currently streaming on HBO.