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Help! My Girlfriend Still Hasn’t Heard The Marriage Proposal Hidden In My Band’s New EP

I love my girlfriend Sammy. She’s the most supportive and kindest human being I’ve ever known. She attends every show with my band, Twisted Fister, and she listens to all our music regularly. At least, that’s what I thought, but now I’m not so sure. It doesn’t seem like she has heard the marriage proposal I’ve hidden on the last track of Twisted Fister’s newest EP.

I had my suspicions the day after I sent Sammy the link for the EP. I asked what she thought of it, she said “It was great, babe,” At first I took that as a “yes,” and went right into planning mode. “I was thinking April, we can have your family come down, but not your racist uncle, we can serve empanadas and French fries, I have a buddy who can get us a real nice deal on a limo…” But then I noticed how confused she looked. She was all “Why would we take a limo to dinner?” and “I don’t think they have empanadas at Chipotle babe.”

Sammy is a notorious procrastinator, so I gave her the benefit of the doubt for a couple days. Days became. weeks. I started dropping hints, but they went over her head. I asked her what she thought of the EP, she said “It was great, babe.” I asked about the last track, with the solid lyrics and the exciting bridge and that totally insane last chorus, then she said, “Oh man, that was so great, babe,” without looking up from her phone.

It’s getting pretty uncomfortable. My bandmates are starting to ask if she’s heard it yet, my mom is getting in my head suggesting she already heard it, and her enthusiastic parents are struggling to hide their surprise engagement party favors. I had a new plan to make the song her ringtone, but she answers her phone super fast. I sat her down and played the song for her, but she got bored.

Twisted Fister may have broke up three months ago, but tomorrow I‘m going to invite Sammy to a super exclusive private show, no distractions, round up all the band members, hire a drummer since fucking Linda left to become a cop, and play the whole EP in its entirety, with an accompanying slideshow. Nothing can go wrong.

I’m also posting this on our fan page, which she manages, just to cover all of our bases. Wish me luck, and thank you for continuing to support Twisted Fister in whatever form it takes. Looking like maybe a solo act. A very solo act.