Kyle Gordon Stanley, Author at HARDTIMES

Band Disclosing Bedbugs Infestation Subtly Flexing About Recent Tour

Posted on April 10, 2022 by Jose Balderas

BERKELEY, Calif. — Touring band ‘The Flattered & The Curious’ regaled tenants of the apartment they are crashing in with tales from the road while subtly disclosing a recent bedbug infestation.

“Man, we got to check out some wicked scenery in Monterey Bay and Santa Cruz. Every room was booked because it was the beginning of Spring Break so we just slept on the beach on some mattresses we found,” recalled bassist Joshua Orehart. “It was awesome. Especially after the crazy opening gig we had in a Santa Barbara dorm. The RA said we couldn’t crash there so we stayed in our van. Everyone’s been super chill all the way from Portland to San Leandro to Solvang. Never been to Solvang? You should check it out! We played an awesome set there.”

“We joke with everyone that offers us a place to crash that our van has bedbugs from all our touring. And honestly, I’ve only ever seen like three or four. It’s not like a full-blown infestation,” he added.

While impressed with the band’s recent exploits up and down the West Coast, those who offered their hospitality to the touring band were immediately regretful.

“We had heard that these really nice dudes needed a place to crash for the night and after the pretty gnarly set they played we thought we’d lend them a hand. They mentioned that the last few stops they had to sleep outside a gas station or in hotel parking lots,” said overnight host who suddenly swears he “feels itchy or something,” Samuel Turon. “It wasn’t until about the third story that we realized they mentioned every place they visited they found bedbugs in their van after. It was too late to back out. Best we could do was try to keep our corgi away from them.”

Venue promoter Pete Mags booked ‘The Flattered & The Curious’ due to their availability on short notice.

“I had heard of them from another promoter and how they are usually on time and don’t ask for much of a payout, so after the show, I gave them gas money but they all joked it was going to be used for some Raid spray for their van,” he said. “They kept bragging and naming shows in cities I’m pretty sure don’t exist. I’ve never heard of Santa Fe Springs. Have you? After an hour they finally left but I swore I saw a bug on the barstool that I don’t think is native to this part of the state. I have an exterminator coming tomorrow just to be safe.”

As of publishing date, ‘The Flattered & The Curious’ have reported a decline in bedbug sightings in their van but a concerning uptick in cockroach encounters thanks to some “crazy amazing, legit tacos from the coast’ that were left in the van for three weeks.

Photo by Jana Miller.

12 Wild Inspirations Behind Classic Songs

Posted on April 9, 2022 by Nathan Kamal

You never know when inspiration will strike. For every hit song forged by hard studio work, endless jamming and a helpful algorithm, other classic tunes just hit like a ton of bricks. Here are some of the wildest inspirations behind those songs.

“You Ain’t Seen Nothing Yet” Bachman-Turner Overdrive

Canadian rock group Bachman-Turner Overdrive had a wild run in the 1970s with hit songs like “Takin’ Care of Business” and “Let It Ride.” But their biggest single “You Ain’t Seen Nothing Yet” was inspired by an unlikely source: Helen Keller. Singer Randy Bachman took in a community theater production of The Miracle Worker, and wrote the Billboard #1 song in the intermission.

“With or Without You” U2

The lead single from U2’s mammoth hit album The Joshua Tree was written after the touring band accidentally left their original guitarist Declan “Tonky” Argyle behind at a gas station and just never went back for him.

“Never Turn Your Back on Mother Nature” Sparks

The brother team of Ron and Russell Kael released this glam-rock classic in 1974, but it took nearly thirty years for Russell to reveal in a 2001 Spin Magazine interview that it was based on an incident in which he turned his back on his girlfriend at the time, Mother Nature, and she stabbed him with a garden fork.

“Song #2” Blur

Britpop darlings Blur were unsure of where to go artistically in 1997 after they had finally poisoned their arch-rivals Oasis and replaced them with lookalikes. “Song #2” was inspired by singer Damon Albarn’s attempt to explain to the Liam Gallagher stand-in how numbers work.

“Rock Me Amadeus” Falco

Johann “Hans” Hölzel, also known as Falco, had the only #1 Billboard Hot 100 in the German language in the history of American charts with this fusion of rock, dance music, and early hip hop. It was based on Star Trek.

“Dirty Work” Steely Dan

Donald Fagen and Walter Becker of Steely Dan wrote this song in a frustrated heroin fog, after that rascal Tom Sawyer convinced them to whitewash his Aunt Polly’s fence for him by telling them it was a lot of fun. It was not fun.

“Silly Love Songs” Wings

After the dissolution of The Beatles, Paul McCartney attempted to vent his frustrations via early, avant-garde noise rock group Wings. However, his inherent mastery of songwriting transformed every song into a pop masterpiece. “Silly Love Songs” nearly drove him to madness before his surrender to the darkness.

“All of the Lights” Kanye West

Controversial rapper/producer/fashion designer Kanye “Ye” West spent over $3 million recording this album at Avex Recording Studio in Honolulu. It took that much money because West insisted on purchasing all existing lighting devices on the planet to satisfy his vision of the track.

“Bulletproof” La Roux

British singer lly Jackson, who performs under the moniker La Roux, is actually the last survivor of the planet Rouxon, sent to Earth in an interstellar birthing matrix, gaining enormous power and responsibility from the yellow light of the sun. “Bulletproof” is about that.

“Love is a Battlefield” Pat Benatar

1980s rock icon Pat Benatar wrote this song after discovering producer Neil Giraldo’s stash of historical fan fiction. In particular, it was based on his short story “Aegospotami, My Love” in which two opposing soldiers in the 5th Century BCE Peloponnesian War end up fucking.

“‘6 in Tha Morning” Ice-T

Before he starred on Law & Order: SVU as Detective Odafin “Fin” Tutuola, Ice-T was an accomplished, acclaimed, and controversial hardcore rapper. But before that, he had a lucrative career as the guy in a hotel who calls people’s rooms when they ask for a wake-up call, which inspired this autobiographical song.

“Love Story” Taylor Swift

Megastar Taylor Swift wrote this song after reading William Shakespeare’s Romeo & Juliet, and realizing that “public domain” meant she didn’t have to pay anyone, ever. Cha-ching, Taylor! All her songs have been based on Jacobean playwrights since.

Man Reads Entire Cheesecake Factory Menu Before Ordering Chicken Fingers Again

Posted on April 9, 2022 by Ben Friedman

EDINA, Minn. — 37-year-old man Steve Bellows opted for chicken fingers for his seventh consecutive dinner outing despite having poured over the entire 23-page menu at Cheesecake Factory early yesterday evening, stunned diners have reported.

“I mean it’s hard to not feel like you’re going to choose the wrong thing when you’re given 200 options, right? I want to take my time and tour the menu for an hour, then head straight to the kid’s menu and point to the ol’ standby chicken fingers, baby,” said Steve Bellows. “Sometimes I’ll try to order pasta, but there’s even three fucking pages of just that! What do I look like, a stuck-up foodie? Just give me something to dunk into honey mustard and give me the check.”

While Bellows is comfortable with his consistency, his spouse wishes he would expand his palette, if only for appearances sake.

“I swear any time he’s presented with more than two options he completely freezes. He practically has an entire textbook of food and goes for a kid’s after-school snack, again. The waiter might as well bring out a placemat and crayons. He could at least order a chicken sandwich and look like a dignified adult,” said Melissa Bellows. “I should’ve known him wanting chicken tenders at our wedding reception was a red flag. Last time we came here, I thought we had a breakthrough when he almost got the chicken parm until he saw it was 2000 calories, and he switched at the last minute.”

Experts have observed Bellow’s behavior is part of a larger trend of individuals rejecting the idea of choice overload.

“Freedom of choice is both a gift and a curse, and the same can be said for the menus at places like Cheesecake Factory or Applebee’s. In other words, if you build a kitchen with enough microwaves, the sky’s the limit,” said Fred Sinclair of Restaurant Hospitality Magazine. “But that comes at a price because most diners will more than likely fall back on the meals they’ve been eating their entire lives than risk $30 on a subpar steak. What’s never let anyone down however is a piping hot plate of breaded chicken.”

“It’s like the old adage says: give a man a fish, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he’ll throw fish sticks in the oven instead,” he added.

Later in the evening, Melissa Bellows was seen with her head in her hands after her husband spent 20 minutes analyzing the cheesecake menu to only order a bowl of vanilla ice cream.

Where Are They Now? The Municipal Waste Songs I Had Lined up on the Jukebox

Posted on April 9, 2022 by Ben Friedman

As I sit here in this soulless downtown bar, I feel like something is missing. Maybe it’s the dim Edison bulbs or the TJ Maxx art on the walls, but it seems like everyone here forgot how to have a good time post-COVID. Fortunately for these people, I dropped half a paycheck’s worth of thrash punk on this Touchtunes so they’re all about to be like, “Oh shit! What awesome party animal put all these headbangers on?” I’ll just nod my head, knowing that I had made the change I wished to see in the world.

But that was twenty minutes ago, which now begs the question: Where the fuck are all the Municipal Waste songs I had lined up on the jukebox?

I went out of my way to pay extra to ensure “I Want to Kill the President” took priority over everything else. But here we are sitting through Pearl Jam’s “Black.” Who wants to hear this shit right now? Even if you’re a Pearl Jam fan, it’s not like this song isn’t played daily on the radio or anything.

I even skewed a bit populist and went with songs mostly from “The Art of Partying” but apparently even that was too much for these philistines to handle. Is this not an establishment that serves alcohol? Are 80% of their songs not about getting fucked up? This should’ve been a no-brainer, yet this chandelier still remains attached to the ceiling. What a non-municipal waste!

Okay, the next song is up. And it’s another Pearl Jam song. I’m not a conspiracy theorist or anything but I smell a cover-up. Who’s in charge of making these decisions, anyway? Where is their jukebox bouncer and how do I apply for that job?

Well, that’s interesting, I just checked the Touchtunes app and it appears that the songs by a certain Virginia thrash band have mysteriously disappeared. To think, I’ve been sitting here with .2 blood alcohol content and I’m not gonna hear a single goddam riff of “Wolves of Chernobyl.”

I guess I’m left with no choice. I’ll just have to add them all back plus “Toxic Holocaust” because you dullards have no idea how willing I am to die on this hill. Now let’s move that wedding rehearsal party out of the way and open up this fucking pit.

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Terror Frontman Pacing Back and Forth Just Trying to Get His Steps In

Posted on April 9, 2022 by Amber Scala

BERKELEY, Calif. — Legendary Terror frontman Scott Vogel was caught incessantly checking his Fitbit watch while pacing back and forth in hopes of improving his overall cardiovascular health, according to several distracted audience members.

“I want to make sure everyone in this place is going nuts at all times, and sometimes I’m so focused on all the kids stage diving that I forget I need to pay attention to myself,” noted an out-of-breath Vogel, using the mixer’s USB connection to charge his Fitbit in between bands. “I signed up for a ‘30-Day Beach Body Challenge’ and I use the stage as my gym. It’s tough to work out in the van, so I need to make the most of what I have. Is it imperative that I win the ‘Over 40 Most Steps of the Month’? I think you know the answer.”

Long-time Terror fan, Armin Carragan, expressed concern over the escalating obsession.

“I noticed he was glancing at his wrist which was lighting up every 20 seconds or so, and I thought maybe he was worried about how much time the band had left,” Carragan recalled. “But then in between songs he wasn’t doing his normal mosh calls. He kept talking about ‘how this next one is a real calorie burner’ and suggesting we all warm up a little before getting in the pit.”

Fitbit representative Holly Moray commented on behalf of the Fitbit Adventures and Challenges Team, who frequently hear Vogel’s name come up at staff meetings.

“While we encourage some friendly competition in the Fitbit community, Scott has taken it to a troublesome level,” Moray explained. “We recently had to intervene in a Fitbit forum, where he responded to a woman’s celebratory ‘1st 5K!’ post with ‘This world’s a fucking nightmare. It brings us nothing but pain. Chasing dreams that don’t exist.’ His response doesn’t make a ton of sense to us, but it’s just not very happy.”

“On top of this, our customer service lines receive calls from him an average of once per week, in which he complains that we definitely tampered with his step count and accused us of ‘disloyalty,’ even though Fitbit and Fitbit-related enterprises are in no way responsible for personal losses, it says so right in the terms and conditions” she added.

At press time, Vogel, who has since been banned from partaking in the public Fitbit community, made the switch to Apple watch, asserting that they are way more “keepers of the faith.”

Go see Terror live in Berkeley, CA on April 27th at Cornerstone and see for yourself. Purchase Tickets Here

New Red Hot Chili Peppers Single Just California’s Wikipedia Page Set to Music

Posted on April 8, 2022 by Michael Palladino

LOS ANGELES — The latest single from the Red Hot Chili Peppers entitled “770 Miles of Sunshine” was revealed to be California’s Wikipedia page set to the band’s trademark punk/funk sound, keen-eared listeners confirmed

“By the time I got 30 seconds into it, I knew something was up. The first verse was just weird, whisper-singing that listed the states and territories that once made up the Baja California peninsula,” said longtime fan Bill Lightfoot. “It didn’t even really rhyme or anything. Then there was that line about ‘Etymology and the Blue-Fronted Jay and the Sierra Chickadee.’ I went on Wikipedia and it was almost word for word.”

Fans immediately took to various social media platforms to discuss the song’s lyrics.

“I read an interview where the band said the new single would be ‘slightly political,’” music reviewer Alley Laskowski posted on her Facebook. “I thought it’d be an interesting listen with the election and everything. But it was just factual, straightforward statements about Nancy Pelosi and the 18,245,970 voters that are currently registered in California.”

The nine-minute song contains three verses on California’s infrastructure and an extended rap that breaks down the state’s economy.

“Oh, and that ‘Latin Influence’ they alluded to before the single’s release? Pretty much just a line about how 37.6% of the state’s population is Hispanic or Latino,” Laskowski added. “It was like hearing a middle-aged guy sing his kid’s social studies report.”

Many have accused the Chili Peppers of committing outright plagiarism, which frontman Anthony Kiedis was quick to deny.

“I always leave it up to the listener in a lot of ways, but I’ve heard the criticisms about that song, and I’m honestly at a loss,” said Kiedis from his Los Angeles home. “This song is very reflective of where we’re at as a band right now. It tackled themes that mean a lot to us — like demographics, geography, external links, and further reading.”

Kiedis then told reporters to look for a bonus track on the album’s Deluxe Edition, entitled “So High in SoFi,” which many fans are calling “a literal reading of the L.A. Rams Super Bowl-winning roster.”

New Red Hot Chili Peppers Single Just California’s Wikipedia Page Set to Music

Posted on April 8, 2022 by Michael Palladino

Fans immediately took to various social media platforms to discuss the song’s lyrics.

The nine-minute song contains three verses on California’s infrastructure and an extended rap that breaks down the state’s economy.

Many have accused the Chili Peppers of committing outright plagiarism, which frontman Anthony Kiedis was quick to deny.

Review: Motion City Soundtrack “I Am the Movie”

Posted on April 8, 2022 by Colleen Nerney

Each Sunday, The Hard Times travels back in time and reviews a notable album from the past. This week we tackle “I Am the Movie” the 2003 debut album from emo mainstays Motion City Soundtrack.

I’ll start from the beginning, with the first song I ever heard by Motion City Soundtrack. It’s easily the standout single from “I Am the Movie,” an anxious, poppy banger titled “The Future Freaks Me Out.” This track has become a highlight at MCS concerts, often the encore is sung in part by the audience. That is pretty impressive considering the lyrics are so dense and syncopated that I didn’t actually know what the fuck Justin Pierre was saying until roughly fifteen minutes ago when I finally decided to find out what he was actually saying.

As I explored the rest of the album I kept coming back to how much I like that one song “The Future Freaks Me Out.” The music video is actually a take on the Wes Anderson breakout Rushmore, which is kind of weird considering that the whole movie is about a high schooler high-key stalking his adult teacher? Regardless, the song slaps, and I guess it is fitting that an emo band is a little too into narratives involving wildly age-inappropriate relationships. One can’t help but wonder if the Betty spoken of is actually some girl that had the bad luck to be a teenager in Minneapolis in the early 2000s.

I’d like to touch on an often overlooked track from “I Am the Movie,” called “The Future Freaks Me Out.” Though not on my highly-tuned hit radar at first, this fun little song quickly became a favorite of mine, mostly because it was a pre-loaded track on my first MP3 player when I was in 7th grade. “The Future Freaks Me Out” is, to this day, a perfect time capsule of what it felt like to be thirteen with limited access to the internet to look up the lyrics, and instead just kind of mumble along phonetically for the next 17 years. What a stellar way for Motion City Soundtrack to start their long and illustrious career!

Verdict: 1/1 songs I know from this album

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Fuck: Strung Out Couple Just Found a Puppy

Posted on April 8, 2022 by Krissy Howard

PROVIDENCE, R.I. — Local faded couple Robby Weeks and Angela Torres found and have since adopted a puppy while out doing whatever it is they do all day, according to extremely concerned sources.

“Check it out!” said Weeks, holding up a small Chihuahua-mix he and his girlfriend/using buddy found near a drainage pipe by the highway. “Me and Ang were just on our way to her mom’s house when we saw the little dude smelling around some old wet hoodie on the ground and it came right up to us. We haven’t decided on a name for him yet, but we got it narrowed down to Lucky and Weinerface. I guess we’ll let his personality shine through and see which one calls to us.”

Close friend and woman who just celebrated two years clean, Sona DeSantis, was unsurprised to learn of the pair’s recent find.

“God damn man, again? I know those guys from my active addiction. I mean, I don’t love the idea of a dog being supervised by two people whose eyes are collectively open for less than three hours a day, but they’re sweet people at heart so I guess it could be worse,” DeSantis reasoned. “This craziest thing about this to me is the sheer amount of helpless animals they’re constantly finding. The only thing I’ve ever found in my entire life is $2 on the ground one time, and that was in my driveway so there’s a pretty good chance it fell out of my own pocket.”

Those who are aware of the couple but haven’t been able to get ahold of them for a while have expressed deep concern.

“I feel sick with worry about this poor creature. I mean, these two have been struggling to get clean for years and written off by nearly everyone they know, and then they go and take on the added responsibility of a dog when they can hardly take care of themselves? How are they gonna afford daycare for it?” said a woman who used to work with Torres at Rite Aid two years ago, Brandy Spruill. “I see those two walking all over the damn place day and night and I don’t think they’re ever not outside. Does that sound like the kind of lifestyle a sweet baby doggie is cut out for? I don’t think so.”

At press time, the couple and the aptly named Weinerface welcomed an entire box full of kittens into their family unit.

We Rank The Top 5 Off Track Betting Venues By How Verbally Abusive Dad Would Get

Posted on April 8, 2022 by Dan Rice

We all love degenerate gambling, but if you grew up with a poppa who needed “a new pair of shoes” you grew up with a poppa who was doing it wrong. My old man needed shoes, a shirt, a car payment, rent and enough money to feed a family of four when he made his bets because he knew how to live!

Sure, gambling is more accessible than ever thanks to the internet and social decay, but if you want to bet it all on the ponies in style, The Hard Times has got you covered! Here’s our definitive list of venues that offer OTB ranked by how much the old man would take it out on all of us when things didn’t go his way, which occurred at a rate of roughly “inevitably.”

Horse Around
Bridgeport, CT
Located in scenic Bridgeport between a liquor store and another defunct OTB venue, this quaint little gambling parlor caters to casual betters and full-blown deadbeats alike. While it’s a perfectly fine place to throw away a car payment or your kid’s back-to-school clothes money, it ranks low on our list as it would barely sink Dad’s mood below generally sour. He would rarely go on the attack after an evening at The Horse Around, opting instead for a quiet beer on the couch and a curt “fuck off” in response to any question posed to him.

Rollers
Bridgeport, CT
Located in scenic Bridgeport between a gun store and some broken glass, this innocuous OTB features some surprisingly hot action. Dad’s off-the-wagon exploits at rollers inspired him to dish out such classic verbal blows as “Maybe if you lost weight I wouldn’t be embarrassed to show you to my friends” to my mom and “You aren’t going to be smart enough for college anyway” to yours truly.

If you’re an absolutely irredeemable sack of shit, do yourself a favor and do NOT sleep on Rollers.

Murray’s Parlor
Bridgeport, CT
Located in scenic Bridgeport between a methadone clinic and a homeless encampment, this tried and true pony parlor is a top-notch garbage fire. If you’re looking for the self-loathing fueled “oomff” to finally tell every member of your family “fuck you for existing” in the most hurtful and targeted way possible, Murray’s is THE place to be!

Clompers
Hilliard, FL
When Dad relocated the entire family to Florida for a year to “cool his heels for a while,” my chief concern was that he wouldn’t find a suitable bar to place horse bets and then lash out at us. Boy was that unfounded! If you find yourself dodging the northeast bookies in this part of the country you’re gonna wanna pop into Clompers! While the sunshine and year-round beach weather could put a smile on even his contemptuous face from time to time, a few hours at Clompers could knock that “Let’s be a family” bullshit right the fuck out and replace it with a familiar tides of “I am sick and tired of you fucking losers holding back, I gotta live MY life”

Sports Haven
New Haven, CT
Rather than tout the many ingenious ways this place facilitates degeneracy (you can sell them the car you drove there in!) we’re gonna let this bad boy close out our list with its own list! Here are the top 5 devastating things Dad said after a bus ride home from Sports Haven:

5. What kind of a fucking moron manages to burn a meatloaf?!

4. Boy you just can’t do a single fucking thing right can you?

3. You don’t need your teeth fixed, you’re fat enough already!

2. Don’t worry about why I have a black eye, worry about what a (pejorative homophobic slur) you look like with your hair long!

1. Well, I sold the dog.