I Guess It’s Just Me at the Annual Zwan Appreciation Conference, Once Again

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

Who’s ready for the best weekend of the year? This guy, right here! And apparently, nobody else because, once again, I booked the main hall at this Ramada Hotel & Conference Center for no good reason. Looks like it’s only gonna be me at the Zwan Appreciation Conference, just like last year.

Apparently, I made this life-size cardboard cutout of multi-instrumentalist Dave Pajo solely for my own enjoyment. This is a disaster.

I really don’t get it. What gives? Zwan was a very popular, genre-bending alternative rock group in the early 2000s. Hell, they were a musical guest on SNL! You don’t get to be introduced by Ray Romano to play your latest single without some serious momentum in your career.

I can’t be the only one who appreciates the intricate, dynamic basswork of A Perfect Circle’s Paz Lenchantin. Paz also played bass for The Pixies, by the way. People would know that if there were anybody here to visit the Paz Information Kiosk I set up right over there.

Oh boy, I sure am glad I rented this very expensive PA system so I could be the only one enjoying the soundtrack to filmmaker Jonas Åkerlund’s 2003 drug drama “Spun.” It’s like I’m the only one who remembers the dream of Zwan!

Sometimes I wonder why I do this to myself. This is the exact same thing that happened last year, even though I must have passed out a thousand flyers. I even swamped the ZwanFan.net message boards! Though, to be fair, I think I was the only one there too.

“Mary Star of the Sea” made it to number three on Billboard! That’s like, hundreds of thousands of copies sold. Where did all those fans go? Did they forget about the deep spiritual lyrics of the “True Poets of Zwan,” as they were originally called? Just me, I guess.

You know what? I give up. I can’t be the only one to carry the flame of Djali Zwan (the acoustic lineup of the band featuring the melancholy cello work of Ana Lenchantin, sister of Paz). It’s simply too much weight for one person to bear.

Well, this is it. Goodbye, Annual Zwan Appreciation Conference. You were too beautiful for this world. I guess I better call Mr. Corgan and tell him the autograph booth is canceled.

Cautionary Tale Taken as Encouragement

Posted on by Walker JF Glenn

OAKLAND, Calif. — The cautionary tale of long-time road dog and punk scene veteran “Wild” Bill Ketchum is reportedly being taken as encouragement by struggling local musician Dan Webber, bewildered sources confirmed Monday.

“Dan was talking to me for the millionth time about quitting music, saying he doesn’t want to be playing in the same shitholes when he turns 37 next year,” said close friend and off-and-on bandmate James Gill. “And I said that made sense, and that Wild Bill is pushing 50 and still playing for beer money in a different dive every night. Well, Dan just gets real quiet for a few minutes and then goes, ‘You’re right, man. Beer money does sound pretty nice.’ Then he thanked me for the talk and said I ‘saved his career.’”

Sources report that Webber is citing multiple examples of Ketchum’s lonely, broken existence as aspirational.

“I remember doing a show with Wild Bill where he told me he doesn’t even have an address, but just couch crashes in every town he plays in. And I’m sitting here thinking, I can’t believe I was about to give up on my dream. That could be me! If only I wasn’t locked into this prison with Shannon,” said Webber, referring to his rent-controlled two bedroom apartment shared with and paid for by his girlfriend. “That’s the other cool thing about Bill: he’s not weighed down by a family. Well, I mean, he has a family, but I don’t think he’s allowed to see them.”

Adriana Mills, a private practice attorney and Wild Bill’s firstborn child, corroborated her father’s willingness to forgo the trappings of domestic life in his pursuit of the musical arts.

“I haven’t seen that piece of shit since I was 12. He showed up randomly and handed my mom a palm full of drink tickets saying there was ‘plenty more where that came from,’ instead of just paying his child support,” said a visibly agitated Mills. “As the cops were dragging him away he yelled something to me about not growing up to be a normie. Like anyone would be dumb enough to take life-advice from that asshole. Occasionall I’ll get an email from him, but it’s just saying something like ‘cum see me play the Tiki Hut on Thursday. All cover set.’ It’s really sad.”

As of press time, Webber reported he is still considering abandoning music in order to pursue a more stable career in stand-up comedy.

Woman Told to Take Chill Pill Despite Already Being Six Benadryl In

Posted on by Josephine Ramos

HILLSBOROUGH, N.J. — Local party-goer and person seemingly in need of some “quiet time,” Katherine Gallagher, is being asked by those around her to “take a chill pill” despite already having taken five times the recommended dose of diphenhydramine.

“I didn’t expect the host to have a cat, so I was surprised when we arrived to see white cat hair all over his furniture. I have pretty bad allergies so I took a few Benadryl. My eyes were still itchy so I took a few more,” explained Gallagher. “I’ll be honest, I didn’t have enough cash for the molly that was being passed around, so the last three were just for kicks. Normally, antihistamines don’t affect me that much, but I’m having second thoughts now because when I tried pulling my wallet out of the skin on my forearm it wasn’t there. I don’t know how else I’m going to pay for these headshots.”

Despite her insistence that she was “all good,” friends of Gallagher described her impaired state this evening as “deranged, at best.”

“Kate was fine in the Uber ride over there. We went to the party and twenty minutes later she wouldn’t shut up about ants crawling all over her arms,” said friend Lauren Sadek. “It’s the middle of winter so I didn’t see ants anywhere, but she smacked my arm like a million times. She needs to chill the fuck out because it’s messing with my vibes and my arm is starting to hurt. Not to mention how Kate keeps rambling on about the dark shadowy figure looming above to reap our souls or whatever.”

After the onset of Gallagher’s symptoms, medical professionals were called to the site to conduct an assessment of the patient’s health.

“When used as directed, the active ingredients in Benadryl should not yield hallucinations,” explained Hillsborough EMT Gregg Whitlock. “When our unit gets called to a party, we usually treat alcohol poisoning and overdoses due to pills. At this party, guests were reportedly seen consuming large amounts of ecstasy and cocaine, but after that sixth Benadryl, she’s higher than half the posers here.”

At press time, Gallagher was seen with swollen bloodshot eyes, crying about the inexorable reaping of the Dark Lord, almighty.

Romantic Punk Surprises Partner With Breakfast in Mattress on the Floor

Posted on by Bobby Korec

ENUMCLAW, Wash. — Local lovey-dovey punk Geoff Bayweather took his partner by complete surprise after serving her a traditional breakfast in mattress on the floor, sources who weren’t used to sleeping a mere eight inches off the ground confirmed.

“I even washed the sheets a few weeks prior and used the good Febreze to really set the mood,” said Bayweather while flipping the mattress over to the “less stained” side. “I walked into my bedroom/living room/dining room with a tray full of the most scrumptious gas station finds promptly at 11:30 a.m. which is the most romantic part of the morning. Sure, it took another 45 minutes to actually wake her up from her deep hangover before she finally noticed my chivalry, but I think she was pleasantly surprised. My exes actually used to make fun of me for serving them breakfast in a futon, so I upgraded and got a plain old mattress to really feel like an adult.”

“Can you believe someone just left this one out on the streets?” he added.

Soliel Mindypain, Bayweather’s love interest, did not see this coming.

“Seems like he even exterminated the bed bugs that were infesting his mattress in preparation. What a sweetheart,” said Mindypain before noticing that he left the price tags on the food packages. “However, I wouldn’t consider French Onion Sun Chips, a Little Debbie Cosmic Brownie manually cut into the shape of a heart, and a can of Monster Energy actual breakfast foods. But hey, it’s the thought that counts. Execution absolutely does not when it comes to these things. This guy’s a keeper.”

Relationship experts stressed the importance of romantic gestures.

“Showing affection and performing acts of kindness are surprisingly pretty huge in a relationship,” said couples therapist Margaret Haymaker. “Valentine’s Day is perfect for those who forgot to do anything mushy the entire year. Just don’t be that person who ‘doesn’t need a holiday’ to tell them what to do in order to get out of participating. They more likely than not haven’t done anything the rest of the year anyway except buy themselves an Xbox. Honestly, just the bare minimum will usually do the trick.”

In related news, Bayweather kept the romance going by arranging a beautiful sunset viewing on YouTube, sharing a bottle of fine Colt 45, and orchestrating a candlelight dinner but only using BIC lighters since he didn’t actually own any candles.

Photo by Jana Miller. 

How to Pleasure a Woman Using Only Your Devilock

Posted on by Heather Cook

Ever since the birth of the Misfits, women have been unable to resist the unquenchable sex appeal of a delicious devilock. A sharp and salacious point of hair that runs down the center of your forehead? It doesn’t get more phallic than that. It’s such a steamy symbol that some people start dripping with sweat simply at the sight of one sailing through a mosh pit. So, if you’re dabbling with this legendary punk hairstyle and want to know how to pleasure a woman using only your sexy devilock, then you’ve come to the right place. Hair gel at the ready ladies and gentlemen, this is going to be a horny ride.

First off, it’s essential to note that the irresistible power of the devilock can only work its magic if the setting is right. It’s not just the sheer magnetism of the devilock that makes it so desirable, but everything it stands for: Punk Rock. Freedom. Sex. Set the mood by dimming the lights and telling your Amazon Alexa to play your “Nonstop Danzig” playlist. After all, a reminder of why the devilock is so iconic will surely up your bone game. And before anything else, remember there is nothing sexier than asking for consent before letting the devilock take your partner to Climax-town, USA.

Next, you need to prepare the devilock for the ultimate pleasure experience. It’s crucial that your hair is sculpted into a supple tip that is both sturdy and soft. You’re going to want your devilock to be versatile – ready to caress and stimulate in unexpected ways that defy space and time. Once your devilock is properly prepared, its ticklish and rugged nature will be fit to explore the body in ways your partner never thought were humanly possible. You’ll leave them craving the sensual mysteries that are hidden behind that lock of lust.

Lastly, the greatest of sexual titans understand that you must be willing to humble yourself in order to become a master. Therefore, don’t be afraid to ask for feedback. Did your partner enjoy the slithering sensations of the devilock upon their bosom? Were they thrilled by the astronomical ways it filled every crevice of their being? These are all important questions that you cannot be shy to ask in order to reach the pinnacle of devilock performance.

Are you feeling ready to go where no man, woman, or beast has gone before? Then lube up that devilock, put your face paint on, and go forward with the confidence of a thousand wild Danzig’s.

Anti-Capitalist Boyfriend Treats Every Day Like He Forgot It Was Valentine’s Day

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

COLUMBUS – Self-proclaimed anti-capitalist, James McCarthy, expressed his true feelings for his long-term partner by forgetting it’s Valentine’s Day for the fourth year in a row.

“It’s just despicable that these greedy fat-cats think they can capitalize on something so pure as a human’s capacity for love. It’s a scam really,” explained McCarthy. “I don’t need a holiday to remind me to forget that my girl really likes roses and other small gestures. What’s great about our relationship is that she doesn’t need a special day or even the slightest hint of romantic affection from me to know that I’m sorta into her. If you ask me, February 14th is just another day where I forget to text her back for hours at a time, just like the day before, and definitely like it will be every Christmas for the foreseeable future.”

While McCarthy’s partner, Hilda Ryder, agreed to an extent that Valentine’s Day is over-commercialized, she still admitted that being acknowledged would be nice.

“Sometimes it feels like we’re not even dating. Every holiday is like this, not just Valentine’s Day. Last year on my birthday, he told me his ‘presence’ was my present after showing up six hours late to my birthday dinner,” lamented Ryder. “He won’t even celebrate our anniversary because he thinks that the calendar year is just a ‘man-made construct to suppress free will.’ He puts so much work into these bogus excuses. Seems like it would be easier to just get me a card and move on.”

According to Jeremy Clinet, a marketing advisor for Hallmark, sentiments like McCarthy’s are the single biggest threat facing the greeting card industry.

“I’ve seen my fair share of adversity in the greeting card game, but nothing keeps me up at night more than the public’s slow but steady realization that Valentine’s Day is nothing more than a profit driver for companies like ours,” stated a visibly sweaty Clinet. “To date, we have pumped millions upon millions of dollars into innovative rebrands to specifically target this demographic, but we’re really losing our grip here.”

At press time, McCarthy was seen eyeballing a Valentine’s Day card that read “I wanna seize the means of dat ass!” before quickly scrolling past it.

The NFL Is an Exploitative, Capitalist Death Machine Now That My Team’s Out of the Playoffs

Posted on by Eric Navarro

Are you fucking kidding me?!?! That call was bullshit! Well that’s just fucking great. My team’s season is done, I’m in a terrible mood, and once again the NFL is an exploitative death machine hellbent on squeezing every dollar out of its players regardless of the long-term consequences of their health.

I, for one, am no longer watching this soulless, capitalistic “sport” that might as well be played hundreds of years ago in the colosseum. It’s barbaric. It’s inhumane. And it’s no longer worth watching if I can’t cheer on the guys I like.

I may be out 100 bucks but at least I’ve gained my sense of integrity back.

What the hell happened to the NFL? It was much better back in the day. Today, I mean. It was much better earlier today when the team I root for was cracking their heads into the heads of the team I now hate with every fiber of my being. But now all I see is a bunch of human beings limping to an early grave while old men in suits throw stacks of money at each other.

Now that my team has been eliminated from Super Bowl contention, I think the team that beat them should wise up and refuse to play until the NFL provides better conditions for these athletes. Plus, that would leave an opening in the Super Bowl and I’m confident my team would scab the fuck out of that picket line. Then I can enjoy getting shitfaced and yelling at the TV one last time this season. Granted, I’m gonna get shitfaced and yell anyway but if my team’s involved then at least I can pretend it means something.

It’s time we finally take a stand against the soulless, money-grubbing institution that is the National Football League. That is until next season when Lamar gets back out there. Go Ratbirds!

Former High School Football Star Instinctively Returns to Hometown to Breed

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

LAKEWOOD, Ohio — One-time Lakewood High School football legend Jaime Garner made the long and treacherous journey back to his hometown mere days after graduating from Fairview University in an effort to find a mate and procreate, scientists studying the phenomenon explain.

“I had totally planned to move to Cincinnati, but something inside me was pulling me back to my roots. I didn’t even need to use Google Maps on the 12-hour drive home. I was able to navigate detours and road closures by instinct alone,” said Garner while attending a football game at his alma mater in his ill-fitting letterman’s jacket. “It’s been a little tough because a lot of the other guys from my high school seem to be showing up at the same time. But I’ve been doing the biggest burnouts in the parking lot of Scooter’s with my truck, and I can spit chewing tobacco way further than any of these chumps. They don’t stand a chance.”

Locals noticed a sudden influx of young men looking to “settle down.”

“This happens every year once we get the first glimpse of nicer weather. Lots of guys in boot cut jeans and passionate opinions about Joe Rogan will come to our one local bar in a desperate attempt to find a wife,” said longtime resident Carol Burns. “I don’t understand it. All I know is that most of the Cheerleading squad that graduated a few years ago are inexplicably hanging around the bowling alley. The women’s softball team however left and never looked back. Apparently they all live in the city now and brag about their dogs all day.”

Biologist Paulette Mullins has been researching the mating rituals of these individuals for over a decade.

“There is something deep within the genes of these creatures that compels them to return to the mating grounds of their ancestors and begin the life cycle anew,” said Mullins. “I don’t know if they are driven by pheromones or sound, but travel from as far away as Arizona State University and flock back here to start a family and ultimately return to work for their dad.”

As of press time, Garner was heard to do a mating call known as karaoke in an attempt to catch a female’s attention.

I’m Starting To Think I’m the Only Person That Came to This Orgy to Watch the Super Bowl

Posted on by Neel Bhakta

You know, it’s not every day you get invited to an orgy. Especially when you’re approached by a stranger while shopping for bottles of Bud Light shaped like your favorite football team’s mascot. Granted, my orgying prime is well behind me, but this was a “Super Bowl” themed orgy so I decided to come out of retirement for one more romp. Well, now that I’m here, I’m getting the feeling that everyone would rather have group sex than watch the freaking Super Bowl!

It’s the Chiefs going up against the 49ers, baby! Who’d want to miss this championship rematch? Mahomes and Mr. Irrelevant will be going at it on the field, but I won’t be able to concentrate on the game because all these losers around me are too busy going at it with each other.

Where the fuck is all the classic Super Bowl watch-party shit? I’m talking about wings, pizza, chili, and spinach-artichoke dip. None of that is here. Sex toys have filled what I assumed was a chip bowl and the “lube station” is sorely lacking a nacho cheese option.

Look, I get it. Maybe football isn’t for everyone. But the people at this orgy have ignored every single commercial so far. I get it if you’re gonna fuck during the actual game, but these companies paid millions of dollars for 30 seconds of ad time. Have some priorities!

Oh, but you’ll all stop banging each other during the Halftime show. Dammit, this is the one thing I wanted to skip. Fuck this, I’m gonna masturbate in the bathroom. Someone let me know what Usher is wearing.

Local Man Only Drinks on Weekends Except for Special Occasions and Weekdays

Posted on by Zach Raffio

SACRAMENTO, Calif. — Local man Will Chalke shared his health-conscious drinking regime this morning, noting that – in order to keep himself in check – he only drinks on weekends, except of course for special occasions, and also weekdays.

“It’s really important not to overdo it. That’s why I keep weekday drinking to a minimum, reserving only for birthdays, or work outings, or it being a little cloudy out,” noted Chalke, hoping that the eye doctor he’s seeing after work has beer on tap. “Full moon? Gotta drink, would be bad luck not to. Cold out? Hot toddies are nature’s blanket. Townhall meeting for a city I don’t live in airing on C-SPAN? It’s my democratic duty to get so hammered that I permanently alter my DNA.”

Liquor store owner Ashley Tummerop admits she is always making sure to keep her shelves well-stocked in case Chalke makes one of his 12 to 16 daily visits.

“Will’s patronage has changed my life,” noted Tummerop, from the deck of her newly purchased yacht. “He always comes in with some insane excuse about how he’s allowed to have a little nip because it’s two months until his mom’s birthday or something. I mean, I didn’t even know there was an International Cats Who Are Not Scared of the Bath Day. But I let it slide because… I mean, come on, this boat has a combination grill/hot tub.”

Chalke’s personal life coach, Billy Gup, swears that his insane list of exceptions is all part of a bigger plan.

“It’s important to set limits for yourself I follow a similar code myself. I only smoke weed after work — unless of course I’m on my way to work, or on a break, or if nobody’s in the employee bathroom,” claimed Gup, author of the book “How to Just Kinda Do Whatever You Want.” “You need to have boundaries if you expect to lead a healthy, sustainable lifestyle. Now if you’ll excuse me, it just switched from a.m. to p.m. in Europe, which means I simply must light up.”

At press time, Chalke was seen chastising his friend for cheating on their diet, while drinking straight from a bourbon bottle in “celebration” of his daughter’s currently-happening christening.