As I sit here in this soulless downtown bar, I feel like something is missing. Maybe it’s the dim Edison bulbs or the TJ Maxx art on the walls, but it seems like everyone here forgot how to have a good time post-COVID. Fortunately for these people, I dropped half a paycheck’s worth of thrash punk on this Touchtunes so they’re all about to be like, “Oh shit! What awesome party animal put all these headbangers on?” I’ll just nod my head, knowing that I had made the change I wished to see in the world.
But that was twenty minutes ago, which now begs the question: Where the fuck are all the Municipal Waste songs I had lined up on the jukebox?
I went out of my way to pay extra to ensure “I Want to Kill the President” took priority over everything else. But here we are sitting through Pearl Jam’s “Black.” Who wants to hear this shit right now? Even if you’re a Pearl Jam fan, it’s not like this song isn’t played daily on the radio or anything.
I even skewed a bit populist and went with songs mostly from “The Art of Partying” but apparently even that was too much for these philistines to handle. Is this not an establishment that serves alcohol? Are 80% of their songs not about getting fucked up? This should’ve been a no-brainer, yet this chandelier still remains attached to the ceiling. What a non-municipal waste!
Okay, the next song is up. And it’s another Pearl Jam song. I’m not a conspiracy theorist or anything but I smell a cover-up. Who’s in charge of making these decisions, anyway? Where is their jukebox bouncer and how do I apply for that job?
Well, that’s interesting, I just checked the Touchtunes app and it appears that the songs by a certain Virginia thrash band have mysteriously disappeared. To think, I’ve been sitting here with .2 blood alcohol content and I’m not gonna hear a single goddam riff of “Wolves of Chernobyl.”
I guess I’m left with no choice. I’ll just have to add them all back plus “Toxic Holocaust” because you dullards have no idea how willing I am to die on this hill. Now let’s move that wedding rehearsal party out of the way and open up this fucking pit.