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Guy Can Get You Deal on 500 of the Shittiest Stickers You’ve Ever Seen

FRESNO, Calif. — Local sticker hook up Archie Sutherfield said he would love to talk to you about an incredible opportunity and deal that he doesn’t do normally, but for you, he’ll make an exception.

“You’re gonna be so glad you got in on this deal. You can’t get five hundred stickers like this anywhere else for this good a price,” said the salesman, full of conviction. “I’ve worked with everyone you can think of in the scene, and some real big hitters, too. Ever heard of Blistered Sternum? I made all their stickers. Simple as 1, 2,3—you take down my number, yeah? That way you can get ahold of me if you can’t find me around, that’s my guy and he’ll page me and we can talk numbers and designs.”

Sutherfield hightailed it out of the parking lot after hearing a distant police siren, which left you with some options to weigh.

“This guy seems weird, but maybe he could be legit?” you wondered, looking at the contact info he left and barely making out the numbers, and for some reason, letters. “What area code is this, anyway? It’s for sure not Fresno. Do I need stickers this bad? I mean it is a great deal, but the downside is that those were the shittiest stickers I’ve ever seen in my life. I’m pretty sure they’re printed on newsprint, and a few of them looked like they were just temporary tattoos from one of those 50 cent machines at the grocery store.”

One of Sutherfield’s past customers, Lindsey Davies, recalled what she claims is the “dumbest mistake I’ve ever made,” adding that Sutherfield is full of shit and not to be trusted.

“Yeah, I found his ad on Craigslist, and at the time I was desperate, my band was going on tour and we needed stickers really bad, so I took the deal and thought, how bad can they be? Real fuckin’ bad, turns out,” she explained. “They don’t stick, they peel off right away, they’re printed on flimsy-ass paper and when they get wet the ink runs everywhere and stains everything. And all the colors are completely different from what I asked for. I warn everyone I know the best I can. I would have been better off using mailing labels.”

Sutherfield, however, holds on to his claim of high quality, and currently continues to take drive-ups in the parking lot behind your local Target.

At press time, Sutherfield was taking a much-needed break from his sticker company to field an inquiry about his side hustle creating the worst album cover art ever seen by anyone.