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Crust Punk Can Only Piss Self When People Are Watching

BEND, Ore. — Local crust punk Exena Groman admitted that she is only able to relieve her bladder if multiple people are watching and it causes immediate distress for anyone in the surrounding area, confirmed friends that no longer let her sleep on their couch.

“I can, and have, pissed pretty much anywhere, but find it so much more rewarding when there are people yelling ‘dear god please stop before you get it on my child,’ and stuff like that,” said Groman. “They call it ‘peeing yourself,’ but when people are watching, it makes me feel less alone for a few seconds. I was inspired to do this by my dog Darby, he pees in public all the time, and he even stares me right in the eyes when he shits on the sidewalk. I want to be more like him. I think we should all have the freedom to blast shit and piss wherever we want, and if people are around to see it then it’s even better for me.”

Groman’s boyfriend, Lenny “Shank” Capshaw, doesn’t seem too comfortable with his partner’s technique of expelling waste.

“I’m not some conservative type that only pees in pristine toilets like I’m the King of England, but she goes out of her way to do it in front of crowds even when there’s an open bathroom. She used to say it was me and her against the world, but now she gets so excited when strangers are around,” said Capshaw. “It’s like she’s putting on a performance. I love her, but I’m having a hard time supporting this disgusting aspect of her life. She was always proud to call herself a gutter punk, but these days it seems like she only uses gutters for pissing. We used to squat in abandoned apartments. Now she squats everywhere.”

Chaz Tompkins, a psychiatrist who specializes in the crust punk subculture, thinks it might be more of a mental issue.

“The crustie lifestyle is communal at heart, but some of these people forget the roots of it all,” said Tompkins. “It’s like they want to mark their territory, but they push people away with their odors. They crave attention but get upset when people make faces or talk shit. Nothing lines up. They’re as out of touch with society as they are with the crust punk essence. That’s why I left the scene. There’s no art anymore.”

At press time, Groman was seen releasing puddles of urine, while belting out a Rancid song at a live punk rock karaoke show.

Photo by Jana Miller.