How Being A Gemini Drastically Delayed My Bipolar Diagnosis

Posted on by Jay Wells L'Ecuyer

My whole life, I just kept hearing, “You Geminis… I never know which one of you I’m gonna get! One minute you’re throwing the BBQ in the pool, and the next you’re Irishing good-bye-ing your own party to hole up in your basement for two weeks.” So when my psychiatrist said the word bipolar, I was like oh, no, you don’t understand… I was born on June 3rd.

I explained to her that out of nowhere, it feels like 100 puppies who just saw a park for the first time are bouncing around inside me for weeks at a time. I can’t sleep more than two hours a night because my mind and body are on fast forward in different directions. Then all of a sudden, the puppies take a two-month nap in this dark, soupy sludge of despair. But that’s just the yin and the yang of a Gemini, baby. I took out my license to prove my birthday and everything.

For some reason, that wasn’t enough to sway her, because she started writing a prescription. I was like, don’t worry, every horoscope I’ve ever read said I need to find balance, so alcohol has been the perfect regulator. Few beers to calm those puppies in the park, and a few beers to numb the soupy sludge. Now that I think about it, I wish I could just “screen shot” myself at three beers deep.

She called it “self-medicating”, which at first just sounded like narc-talk for microdosing, but this, and the fact that I’ve solely been listening to Suicide Silence and Alice In Chains for the last decade, really got me thinking… Maybe my overall mental health goes a little deeper than my astrological sign!

What a massive awakening! How many “depressed” and “manic” days could I have avoided if these hippy astrology nuts didn’t brainwash me with the stars?! Do you think you have a spicy temper because you’re a Taurus? Maybe you actually need anger management! Are you always late because you’re a Leo? Maybe you have ADD! Or you’re just an unreliable, inconsiderate asshole who doesn’t value my fucking time, in which case you’re just a Leo, but get that shit checked!

Maybe I shouldn’t have waited till I was 35 to seek therapy, but someone would’ve definitely would have mentioned this whole bipolar thing years ago if I was an Aquarius!

34-Year-Old Sends “You Up?” Text at 9:30 PM

Posted on by Zach Hudson

NACOGDOCHES, Texas — Local 34-year-old Mark Finn was unsuccessful in his attempts to woo a woman into meeting up no-strings for sexual intercourse by texting them “You Up?” at 9:30 p.m., according to well-rested sources.

“This worked a couple times in my twenties, but the last few years I don’t think I’ve gotten a single response though,” said Finn. “Maybe it’s just too much of a long shot. I mean, 9:30 is pretty late. And by the time they get here it’d probably be 10 or later. I have work the next day too. Maybe I’ll start around 8:30 or 9, because if this isn’t wrapped up by 11 my workout the next morning just isn’t gonna happen, and that just makes the rest of my day feel super off.”

Those on the receiving end of Finn’s outrageously late inquiries are appalled.

“Mark has tried this twice now, and it’s honestly so disrespectful,” said 32-year-old Tess Busey, of the unsuccessful attempts made on Finn’s behalf. “Like, 9:30 at night, are you kidding me? I’ve got my skincare routine done and my nose in a book by 8:30, maybe 8:45 at the latest if I didn’t get around to meal prepping on Sunday. This routine works for me, and I’m sure not going to break it for some mediocre dick from a guy who’s 34 going on 20.”

Sex and Relationship Experts largely agree that attempting to find a sexual partner spontaneously through text is a poor strategy, especially for people in their mid-thirties.

“Generally speaking, the success rate of “You Up?” texts are extremely low with any age group,” said Kelly Penn, author of several books on sex and relationships, including ‘It IS Too Late: How to Find Love in Your 30s While Following Your Circadian Rhythm.’ “When speaking specifically about adults 32 and older, it works less than 1% of the time. My recommendation would be to find an entirely new strategy, like not being a pathetic loser, or joining an age-appropriate singles kickball league.”

At press time, sources reported that Finn sent “You Up?” texts to multiple women at 7:30 PM following a work happy hour, but had passed out by 8 PM with no responses.

I Got To Hang Out On My Favorite Band’s Tour Bus And All I Had To Do Was Bring My Extremely Attractive Girlfriend

Posted on by Senneca Stone

I’ve always dreamed of hanging out on a tour bus with the band that changed my life, and last weekend, my vision board worked! I kicked it with indie rock legends, “Knights of Sin.” They even encouraged me to bring my girlfriend, who is a fitness influencer with millions of followers and a model for Elite Model Company.

It all started when Sid, the lead singer, randomly started “liking” some of my posts on Instagram. I thought, “how crazy is this? This dude’s lyrics helped me through some of the darkest moments of my life and here he is, posting fire emojis on pictures of me and my girlfriend Erin on a beach in Punta Cana! Then he commented “DAAAAYYYYUM” on a Halloween pic of me as Jack Kervorkiaan and Erin as a slutty euthanasia nurse.

Then, the craziest thing happened! Sid DM’d me an invite to hang on the tour bus with the band before their upcoming show in town. I said “yes” so fast, he had to remind me that I should probably invite Erin, so she doesn’t get mad. What a homie!

When we met him on the bus, I was totally geeked! He immediately introduced me to the rest of band! It was like Sid knew I would want to talk guitar and kit set-ups with the guys, so, like a total gentleman, he offered to give Erin a complete tour of the bus while I sat down with Adam, Bekim, and Jerrod.

It was a whirlwind! I talked to Bekim about his drum set up. I talked about the new album with Adam! I made endless jokes with Jerrod. I was having so much fun, I totally lost track of time and Erin! I thought she would be pissed but she said Sid kept her entertained the whole time. She’s so understanding. Sid even gave her one of his personal shirts to wear.

The show was lights out, but there was one more surprise! Erin got up on stage! Right before they broke into their biggest hit “You’re A Fire-Breathing Sex Dragon,” Sid told the sold out crowd, “I met the coolest girl today!” Then he asked Erin to come on stage! He sang the entire song while looking directly into her eyes! I will admit, at this point, I did start to get jealous. I would have loved to be the one on stage singing with Sid! Anyway, what a NIGHT!!!!!!

UPDATE: Erin Broke up with me. I’m dreading having to tell my new best friend Sid, they really hit it off!

Punk House Tightens Belt, Switches to Kirkland Signature Whippets

Posted on by Ben Friedman

BAYONNE, N.J. — Residents of local punk house The Dry Socket made the cost-cutting decision to switch to Kirkland Signature for household whippets after reevaluating their budget, sources from within the scene have reported.

“This wasn’t an easy decision, but none of us have had jobs since the beginning of the pandemic and you can only steal so many catalytic converters before the well runs dry,” said house resident Carl Kenner. “Reality set in during last week’s house meeting, and we realized we could no longer afford the extravagance of getting fucked up from huffing Reddi Wip and Endust. Only thing left to do was pool our money together for a Costco membership and switch to Kirkland Signature. Sure, Kirkland aerosols don’t knock you on your ass like the name brands do, but with all the money we’re saving we might actually be able to afford Kirkland brand food too.”

Costco employees have embraced the new clientele despite not fully understanding why their products have exploded in popularity.

“We usually cater to either large families or doomsday preppers, so seeing all these colorful people come in lately has been a nice change of pace. But they only ever buy whipped cream and keyboard cleaner,” said greeter Miriam Jones. “Are they some kind of futurist hackers who bake pies? I don’t really know what the kids are into these days. Whatever they’re doing, I hope they keep coming back because I would love to know their secret to why they’re in such a good mood all the time.”

Economists who’ve followed American shopping trends closely expect store brand stimulants to become a permanent staple on most shopping lists.

“As the threats of inflation, stagnant wages, and the impending recession loom, many punks are changing up their spending habits. While most of them are being conservative about the basics like having their parents pay their rent and cell phone bills, the demographic has found themselves turning to budget or store brand carcinogens to inhale in order to get through the banality of everyday life,” said Analysis Group rep John Berry. “This is obviously good news for businesses’ in-house brands, but it’s yet to be seen if there is enough paint thinner and wood glue to meet demand.”

As of press time, Kenner and his housemates were able to find another cost-saving measure by siphoning gas out of cars in the Costco parking lot.

Oh No: Guy Named Matt Just Learned His Name Means “God’s Gift”

Posted on by Matt McInerney

Oh no, who told Matt? Someone obviously let it slip that his name means “Gift from God” because suddenly he has this whole story about the origin of “Matthew.” How the fuck else would he suddenly know the Hebrew name “Mattityahu” means “gift of Yahweh?” I’d be willing to bet he didn’t even know what “Yahweh” meant a week ago. And now we’re all fucked.

I can’t believe someone did this. He’s insufferable enough as it is. Remember when Ozark came out and he started using that “do better than you’ve been doing” quote endlessly? He’d say it to anyone for any reason. One minute late to a party? Don’t know the name of a song playing? “Do better than you’ve been doing.” What a nightmare. Now I fear he will repeat this “fun fact” even more frequently.

Remember that time Steve was moving and told him, “we can’t do this without you, Matt!” Of course, that was just a trick to get him to help but he spent an entire year insisting he was the strongest guy in the group. He acted like he thought he was a gift from God, and after this, he’s certain of it.

I really hope this isn’t as bad as the summer he decided to become a handyman. He watched home improvement YouTube videos for two days, then suddenly, he had suggestions for every home he spent more than 30 seconds in. He’d have to give you a tour of your own place and list everything you could do to improve it. His pièce de résistance was when he figured out how to install a Nest thermostat. I think he spent a full 18 months bragging about that.

Oh God, Matt just showed up. I can see him out of the window looking at himself in his car mirror. Good Lord is that a tattoo that says “God’s gift?!” Jesus Christ, we’ll never hear the end of this.

Half-Finished Stick and Poke Already Infected

Posted on by Zach Hudson

LAKEWOOD, Colo. — Local man Sean Richard is already showing signs of severe infection while getting a stick and poke tattoo from a close friend that claimed it would be “fine,” confirmed multiple grossed out sources.

“Yeah I’m starting to feel a little feverish and my arm looks kinda swollen, but that’s probably just from the brand of ink we’re using. It seems like people sometimes forget that tattoos are supposed to hurt, a little blood is normal, and your lymph nodes swelling up to the size of grapefruits is all part of the process,” said Richard while sitting in a puddle of his own sweat. “Scott (Calpin) did drop the needle on the ground, but he picked it up right away, and said ‘five-second rule.’ That’s as good as running the needle through an autoclave if you ask me.”

Calpin, who is notably not wearing gloves during the process of tattooing Richard, became defensive at the suggestion that Richard’s tattoo may already be infected.

“Everyone here is being way too sensitive telling me to ‘stop’ and ‘bring Sean to the hospital before this gets so bad they have to amputate his arm.’ I’ve done this dozens of times, I know what I’m doing,” said Calpin while wiping the tattoo with a wet fast food bag he found in the garbage. “This pus here is probably just from a pimple Sean didn’t know he had. We’re almost done anyway, and it’s gonna look sick once it’s finished. I’ve tattooed three other people this month and they’re all fine. I’ll do you next if you want, and if you’ve got 20 bucks.”

Linda Kane, a nurse at a Lakewood urgent care, saw some of the tattoo progress in a series of Instagram stories and was immediately distressed.

“I’ve seen a lot in my 18 years at this job, but nothing prepares you for something like that,” said Kane. “None of these people have had insurance, so they probably spent more here than they would have if they’d gone to a professional tattoo artist. The worst part is that none of them were even good. I can’t even tell what this is supposed to be with all the discharge and inflammation, but my gut tells me whoever’s getting it has a cover-up appointment in their future.”

At press time, Calpin was seen sneezing into his hand, which he did not wash before continuing the tattoo, and Richard reported that he was beginning to hallucinate, but that the tattoo was “looking dope.”

Photo by Jana Miller.

The Stereotype That Baby Boomers Struggle With Technology Is Unfair and Offensive to Us Period Send Alexa Add Ivermectin to Grocery List

Posted on by Vince Ratti

You’ve already made up your mind about me. Just because I was born in 1949, you think I’m a helpless old woman in a big, scary digital world. Well you can just “cancel” yourself because your notion that my generation is a bunch of bumbling ham-fists, unable to navigate today’s technology, is offensive and needs to end! Period. Send. Alexa, please add Ivermectin to my grocery list.

We’ve heard the jokes about grandma sending you a birthday card with a one-dollar bill in it. Well, what if I told you I keep a Bitcoin-digging laptop (paid for by my reverse mortgage) under my mattress? That’s right, this crypto-Grandma can send your dollar through the blog chains.

You think you’re speaking in code, but we know all about your filthy eggplants. It’s no surprise that Zoomers have violated the sanctity of garden produce and co-opted our beloved penis vegetable. Oh, that reminds me! Alexa, add eggplants to my grocery list. Oh, that reminds me! Alexa, add Ivermectin to my grocery list. Oh, that reminds me! Siri, play the Joe Rogan Experience.

Like any young person, I get my news from random strangers sharing Fox News articles on Facebook. But those of us with advanced life experience understand that there’s more to social media than that. Social media has the wonderful ability to bring together family and friends that otherwise might not be able to do so and it truly warms me. Why wouldn’t we want to be a part of something that effortlessly connects us? I only wish that my dear, late Charlie was here to see how easy it is to anonymously harass the ethnic restaurants in our area.

Stinky Little Blanket Inside of Kick Drum Revolutionizes Band’s Sound

Posted on by Sam LiButti

FITCHBURG, Mass. — Local drummer Andrew Kingston is reportedly ecstatic after seeing the tremendous results that placing a tiny, stinky, old blanket inside of his kick drum has had on the band’s overall sound, confirmed multiple impressed sources.

“They’ll write about this moment in the history books. This is going to have the same impact as Dylan going electric,” said Johnston while sitting in with his grind band Penile Amputation. “Originally this blanket was just something my parents kept in my backyard, then a stray dog had a litter of puppies on it and I considered throwing it out because it smelled so bad my neighbors complained. Then one day I put it inside my kick drum and it was like that scene in ‘The Wizard of Oz’ when it goes from black and white to color. and now it’s found a home inside my kick drum.”

Johnston’s mother, the original owner of the blanket, doesn’t quite get her son’s excitement.

“That blanket is 37 years old and it smells like the dumpster behind a seafood restaurant took a shit inside a hot car,” said Carla Johnston as she did her adult son’s laundry. “I told him I had nice new blankets with a higher thread count that he could use but he kept insisting that the stinkiness was ‘part of it.’ I just hope he doesn’t get sick from touching it, I know I’ve thrown up on that blanket at least four times and there was that raccoon a few years back that got hit by a car and ended up dragging itself under the blanket to die.”

Famed drumming expert Paul Dingle said this is part of a rich history of drum enhancement technology in rock and roll.

“They’ve stumbled upon the best-kept secret in music. Bands throughout the years have used everything from smelly quilts to duct tape on their snare to revolutionize the way we all experience the art of the drum,” said Dingle as he piddled away on his custom travel size bongo. “It’s said by many that Zeppelin was a complete failure until John Bonham discovered the impact placing his drum set on a small carpet had on the rest of the band. Some would say that carpet tied the whole band together”

Early reports indicate that the blanket is directly responsible for Penile Amputation’s sudden increase in Spotify plays from a cumulative 150 all the way to 162.

Photo by Chris Enriquez.

Woman Who Spends 98 Percent of Waking Hours in Apartment “Can’t Imagine” How Boring Suburbs Must Be

Posted on by Mimi Kenny

CHICAGO — Liz Remis, a medical transcriptionist and three-year Chicago resident, voiced her horror at the thought of living in the suburbs in spite of spending nearly every moment of her current existence inside her studio apartment, confirmed friends and family that only see her maybe once or twice a month.

“I just can’t imagine being trapped in such a mundane existence. It’s just the same thing every single day, it’s like all those people live in hell but they are too blind to see it,” said Remis while scrolling through a classmate’s Instagram and watching “Lady Bird” for the fourth time this month. “I love the energy and vibrancy of the city. I can look out my window and see the city is alive. Everyone in the suburbs is going to the same chain restaurants and experiencing no culture outside of Marvel movies at the multiplex. If that doesn’t describe ‘ennui,’ I don’t know what does.”

Eden Cassiani, a friend of Remis’, says her anti-suburbia stance is well-known, if not exactly logically consistent.

“Liz is always complaining about having to go home for the holidays and how lifeless everyone is there,” said Cassiani. “But she barely leaves Pilsen as it is. And even then, she pretty much sticks to the same couple of bars on her block. The last time we hung out, she was going on about how there’s ‘absolutely no artistic expression” in the suburbs. But she never comes to any of my gallery shows or wants to go to any museums or like, just go to the park. She’ll say she wants to do stuff when the ‘weather gets nicer’ but it’s pretty much the same regardless of the season.”

Dr. Veronica Mills, a professor of psychology at Columbia College Chicago, cited Remis’ experience as a likely example of “urban-sophisticate delusional disorder.”

“Those with USDD tend to believe that, because they live in an area reputed for culture and excitement, somehow those qualities will transfer to them by virtue of their zip code,” said Mills. “But instead of acknowledging their homebody tendencies, they’ll project on those living in other areas as if being within five miles of a Chili’s is somehow proof of one’s complete lack of stimulation or interest in personal growth. Somehow, it doesn’t dawn on them that merely living in ‘the big city’ doesn’t cancel out hours spent on their couch looking at nu-metal memes.”

Remis, whose most recent romantic encounter consisted of eating Chipotle while her date played his Soundcloud through his iPhone speaker, went on to express her repulsion at what she envisioned as the “unending tedium” of married life.

Review: Offenders “Endless Struggle”

Posted on by Colleen Nerney

Killeen, Texas natives Offenders were a hardcore outfit that would go on to become a staple of the underground Austin scene through the mid-80s. “Endless Struggle,” the second and last of their full albums, was released in 1985 to as critical of acclaim as a Texan regional punk band could get in the Reagan era, and today we revisit every detail.

Listening to the lyrics of “Endless Struggle” really evoked a distinct type of nostalgia in me, specifically a yearning for the parties that my high school friends and I would throw in a literal quarry in our shitty rural hometown. You know, the ragers where you’re all underage and drunkenly standing on the precipice of a rock ledge where just under the water there is an abandoned Buick that will break your legs if you jump in and land on it. Then there’s like weird sand dunes and shit for people to jump an ATV over? You’re all shotgunning Natty Light? And you keep seeing these really intense images of police cars and your friend Annie yelling at you to run?

Huh, that’s weird. That felt like an actual memory as opposed to like, regular old wistful reminiscing. Anyway, since I couldn’t quite place why “Face Down in the Dirt” sounded so fucking familiar to me, I did a quick YouTube tutorial on how to recall repressed memories. After a few hours of staring into my phone and thinking super hard about how much I didn’t remember anything, it hit me: I had heard this exact track before. The night the cops finally busted us, and…oh, god–

It’s all coming back to me now. This album was playing the night I fell in the quarry. Holy shit, dude. I mean, I must have died, there’s no way I could have survived a fall like that. I remember an antenna from an old Buick slicing through my stomach, there was so much blood and I was stuck underwater. Is this technically a past-life regression, then? Am I fucking dead? Hello?? I said–am I fucking dead??

Sorry, no, I’m good. I forgot about the super-strong mushroom tea I made before sitting down to write this. I’ve either been writing for 25 seconds or several years.

I’ve definitely never heard this album before, but if I have, it has my approval as a cool soundtrack to become a ghost to.

SCORE: 6/6 grams of psilocybin

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