Leftöver Crack Fan in Rural Town Hates the Cop

Posted on by Chris Bowen

NILES, N.Y. — Local punk and Leftöver Crack fan Thomas Solido expressed his disdain for the lone police officer in his small town who has been in the position for over 30 years, according to sources.

“Man, I hate the cop,” Solido explained. “That fucker somehow always seems to trace me back to my place whenever I try to pull off a five-finger discount at the Midtown Market or try to panhandle in front of the Busy Bee. I keep yelling ‘ACAB’ from across the street when I see him, and one time he threatened to call my parents but decided to just give me a warning. I bet when Stza says ‘One Dead Cop,’ he means the one cop in small towns across the country.”

Skunk Bayson, a legend in the rural upstate NY punk scene and renowned anti-authoritarian, weighed in on the abundance of cop hatred in the scene.

“You know, some people just think all the corrupt cops hide within the big city precincts, and that’s truly not the case. I say to hell with them all. Everyone from the small town Andy Griffiths to the big city Detective Stablers,” Bayson stated. “Also, over my 20-plus years as a punk in upstate N.Y., I’ve learned that anyone in blue is a piece of shit. That Brinks Security guard, the mall cop that was two grades above me in high school, that factory night watchman, Danny, even that fucker in the postal service, somehow. None of those scum can be trusted.”

The one cop in question, Officer Richard Johnson, recalled having a better relationship with Solido years ago.

“I’ve known the Solido family for years, “Johnson said. “Even little Thomas. I remember the day his parents broke the news they were pregnant with him! One time I saved his cat Tiffy from being stuck up high in a tree, and the whole family sent over a nice meat platter for Barb and me with a sweet letter from him. Hell of a ballplayer too. I’m coming up on retirement soon, but I’m sure I’ll still see him and his dogs around town.”

At press time, an angry note reading “death to Big Bank (the one on Main and Clover)” was etched onto a nearby park bench in Sharpie.

We Look Back On Apple’s Controversial Decision To Change Their Huge Throbbing Cock Emoji Into An Eggplant

Posted on by Dan Rice

The ethics of censorship, accountability and corporate responsibility are evolving all the time. As private companies gain more and more influence over our day to day lives CEOs are continually perplexed by what, if anything, their responsibility to the public actually is. In August of 2016 Apple attempted to low-key weigh in on a politically charged issue and came up against major backlash. I refer of course to the polarizing decision to remove the huge throbbing cock icon from their emoji icon and replace it with a toy eggplant.

Whether you agree or disagree with the move, it’s hard not to see Apple’s point of view. There they were, this huge company with a product literally in the hands of 1 billion people world wide and there it was — a cartoon depiction of a giant erect penis, right between “see no evil monkey” and “fire.”

From Apple’s point of view, that throbbing cock was a big veiny time bomb, and they wanted to get ahead of it before it blew its wad.

And so, overnight, the cock was gone, replaced by a suggestive but much less severe eggplant. There was no press release addressing the matter, no social media post of any kind. Apple simply made the switch and hoped no one would really take notice or care.

The backlash came on almost as quickly as the switch itself. While some applauded Apple for taking a stand against the promotion of cock violence, others cried censorship, cited the first amendment, and made comparisons to Orwellian literature.

When the story broke we asked you to weigh in on facebook, a popular social media website at the time. Here we present some of the top comments from that discussion, a sort of digital time capsule that we hope represents both sides fairly:

“I think it’s great. If this change stops just one person from becoming radicalized and walking into an American school with a penis, it will be worth it.”
– Olivia St. John, nurse.

“This isn’t about an emoji, it’s about our rights as American citizens. Where does it end?! Today I can’t text a lewd depiction of my erect penis between a fire icon and a drooly smiley to a coworker, tomorrow I won’t be able to hug my children, that’s the future the dems want!”
– Alex Crinshaw, unemployed.

“Personally I would have appreciated a little more thought going into the execution. There’s no skin tone option on the eggplant! I’m a massively hung asian man, how am I supposed to convey that via text?! Literally no one I know is purple.”
– Michael Kim, Pediatrician

Guy Kissing Girl Wonders If She Also Smells Her Septum Piercing

Posted on by Chris Bowen

SPARKS, Nev. — Local man Richard Baxter stopped kissing the woman he’s been dating for two weeks to wonder if she was also bothered by the wretched stench emitting from the ring in her nose, according to sources.

”It smelled like the inside of an unkempt pet turtle tank,” Baxter said with concern. “I mean, how can she possibly not know? Maybe she knows and doesn’t care? Maybe that’s kinda cool? I don’t know, I like her a lot, so maybe I can put Vicks VapoRub under my nose or something each time we kiss. I just hope that she eventually catches on to the reasons why I turn purple after being close to her for too long because I could really see us going somewhere.”

While apparently oblivious about the condition of her infected flesh, the date in question, Sam Trimble, couldn’t help but notice Baxter’s behavior.

“I don’t know what happened—one minute we’re making out and seemingly having a fun time, and the next minute I’m ringing his vomit out of my shirt. I knew we should have eaten our sushi before we sat through that three-hour-long Batman movie. He probably got sick from that,” she considered. “It’s hard to tell what’s bothering him when he’s passed out around me all the time. It’s a real shame because he’s funny, smart, and wears this super strong yet welcoming cologne. It was kind of a lot to get used to at first, but it’s definitely growing on me.”

Body modification expert, Scott Bridges, reports that disgustingly awful smells resulting from tattoos and piercings is not uncommon.

“When you’ve been around this type of stuff for as long as I have, you tend to become desensitized to all types of grotesque sights and smells,” Bridges explained. “One time, I saw a cheaply done portrait of a woman’s baby tattooed on her upper arm, and it got so infected it ended up looking like Slimer from ‘Ghostbusters’ when it finally healed. If I had a dollar for every time I had to examine a metalcore kid’s ear gauges after they complained about flies buzzing around their heads I’d be a very rich man.”

At the time of press, it was noted that Baxter was carted away to a nearby emergency room while having a clothespin pinched onto his nose and X’s for eyes.

Photo by Jana Miller. 

Review: Silent Majority “Life of A Spectator”

Posted on by Bobby Korec

Each Sunday, The Hard Times travels back and reviews a notable album from the past. This week we cover the recently reissued“Life of a Spectator,” the 1997 debut from Long Island hardcore legends Silent Majority.

It’s not often that a regional hardcore scene has such an impact globally. Take Long Island hardcore as an example. I heard they were talking about it as far away as Albany. I don’t know where that is, but it sounds far.

It was all thanks to a band called Silent Majority. The 25th anniversary of their album “Life of a Spectator” just so happens to be this year and what better way to celebrate their work than to do one of those “where are they now?” segments. Those types of articles do absolute numbers, especially when it’s more gossip than informative.

Unfortunately, the band doesn’t have their own dedicated Wikipedia page, so I had no choice but to head to Long Island to see for myself what they’ve been up to. Really hope my editors reimburse my expenses. First-class plane tickets ain’t cheap.

Anyway, I couldn’t find their individual addresses online or even their LinkedIn pages. Fucking legendary, right? However, I probably should’ve researched those minor details before I traveled all the way to the northeast. It was too late though. I was already in the thick of it.

Since I had literally nothing to go on, I stepped off the Long Island Railroad at the Ronkonkoma train station and just straight up started yelling their names individually as loud as I could, hoping one of the many commuters around me was maybe once in the band. Some might call that desperate, but I assure you it’s one of the ways you do investigative journalism.

But alas. Shouting their names to a group of strangers didn’t do the trick. My next course of action was to find other famous Long Island musicians who might know where they live. But my phone died and I couldn’t think of anyone besides Billy Joel. Technically, he still has that restraining order against me from that time I tried to write another on-assignment article about Long Island emo.

Long story short, I have no idea what Silent Majority has been up to, but I can tell you that “Life of a Spectator” has aged incredibly well 25 years later. Damn, I was hoping for something more juicy for the Twitter engagement. Sorry, guys.

SCORE: 25 out of 25 anniversaries.

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Rising Gas Prices Force Consumers to Give Twice as Much Grass, Ass

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

WASHINGTON — Average consumers are feeling the pinch both metaphorically and literally as rising gas prices have resulted in them having to give up twice as much grass and/or ass in exchange for rides, skeezy economists warn.

“Just like crude oil, both ass and dank kush are global commodities, the price of which is determined by supply and demand. And unfortunately, both of these commodities are intimately tied to oil,” explained economist Willow Hernandez. “With gas on the rise, the old adage that no one rides for free has become more true than ever. Millions of Americans are now forced to choose between either giving up their weed and touching a strange peen, or having to fucking walk everywhere.”

Local grandmother and church organist Cicely Abbot lamented the rising costs as an “unfortunate sign of the times.”

“When I was a young lady, I used to hitch a ride cross state for nothing more than a simple palm job and maybe a split bowl. Nowadays I’m lucky to get to work for anything less than the gluck gluck 9000 with a side of assplay,” said the 72-year-old widow. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure as shit no commie socialist. I think the founding fathers had always envisioned a nation of true blue Americans traversing this glorious country in exchange for some pink or some green. But regular folks are feeling the pain, and someone needs to step in and do something.”

Vermont senator Bernie Sanders insisted Congress must act now to provide citizens with some relief.

“Sucking, fucking, and smoking your way through life is as American as apple pie. I myself still give up the ass when I travel from Washington DC to my home in Burlington,” Sanders explained. “However, the price gouging of ass and grass has gone too far. I think the solution is that middle-class Americans should be entitled to some sort of forgiveness in the form of free endo, or at least a very thorough and satisfactory plowing as well as complete student debt forgiveness.”

At press time, the Biden administration is considering sending emergency “Save Gas, Fart in a Jar” novelty T-shirts to every American.

How I Became an Indie Darling Using Only Father’s Money and Industry Connections

Posted on by Char Byram

Being in the independent music scene can be tough, especially when you’re considered an outsider among outsiders. Especially if the reason you’re an outsider is because your rich dad funded your early career and connected you with his friends in the industry.

But despite the many hurdles people like me have to overcome, I became indie rock royalty by working super hard, following my heart, and having an “in” with several recording industry executives who are represented by my father’s law firm.

After the initial ask for a relatively small sum from father, as well as the contact information for companies he’s represented, the rest naturally progressed from there. It was only a modest interest-free loan of a few hundred grand to cover art school and rent by the way. Legally speaking, interest-free loans are the ones you don’t have to pay back by the way. I’d know. My dad is a lawyer.

It’s been hard for me, the only child of a successful corporate lawyer. I had to pull myself up by my own custom Doc Marten bootstraps. Nevertheless, I had to keep pushing past all the naysayers and detractors to do something few artists have done before: get famous on the internet without converting it to actual monetary success. But just look at all this clout I have!

Honestly, I didn’t even need the industry connections. I rejected all those major labels I could have easily signed with had they offered. No, I chose the more challenging road by pretending to have fewer resources than were available to me by releasing my art on a small, independent label.

If you want to find success in the indie-sphere, look no further than my story. It was a difficult journey for sure, but I arrived here relying on my own strengths. And you can too! Assuming your rich dad doesn’t want you to follow in his lame-ass 9-5 shoes. All you need is passion, a dream, and a little luck by being born into a lot of money.

Bassist Pouring Heart and Soul Into Lyrics Unaware He Is Writing Album Filler Track

Posted on by Ciara Murphy

SEATTLE — Local bassist Tony Drill has no clue that his songwriting efforts will never be featured on his band Mangy Polyps new album following the state-wide success of their sophomore record ‘BLÖÖD THRST,’ according to sources.

“I am so stoked to be recording album number three. I feel like I have so much to say at this stage of my life and I am excited to share my innermost feelings with our fans”, Drill gushed on a recent Instagram Live. “The guys had so much ready for the last two records, there was never really space for my stuff but now is definitely the right time for me to step up. I’ve even bought a thesaurus, the paper kind. I think I might be finishing the first single right now, once I find something that rhymes with ‘best friend.’”

Bandmate Billy “Bigballs” Arata has different opinions on where Drill’s songwriting fits into the album.

“Tony is a great guy and he rips on the bass, but there is just no way we can include ‘Wiping the First Tear from my First Daughter’s Eye’ on this record,” Arata stated. “The rest of us are more focussed on making as much noise as possible, and I don’t really see a way we can make this sentimental shit fit on an album called ‘ANAL GRNDR.’”

Fellow Seattle bassist Krist Novoselic knows all too well how it feels to have your songs bumped from an album.

“Yeah sure I wrote a lot of songs that didn’t make the cut on some Nirvana records,” he explained. “I once poured my heart out into a song about how watching my mother growing older made me reflect on the fragility and beauty of life, which was later bumped to make room on ‘In Utero’ for ‘Rape Me.’ It’s not something that’s easy to get over so I definitely feel Tony’s pain.”

When asked about their plans for any songs Drill might contribute to the new record, Mangy Polyps assured they would have space for him to compose the 30-second instrumental outro, under band supervision.

10 Grand Romantic Gestures That, Upon Further Reflection and in Hindsight, Were Harassment

Posted on by Amanda Russel

Doing something uniquely sweet for your significant other is an important balancing act to strike. What does this gesture say, how does it say it, how far is too far, and when is it borderline harassment? Please learn from this carefully curated collection of others’ mistakes.

Jell-O Moat

My cousin’s friend, for instance, thought it would be adorable to dig a moat around his girlfriend’s house and fill it with her favorite jell-o flavor. None of us followed his reasoning and he was sure she would love it, but instead she somehow was left with the cleanup and he is still in the doghouse/also in prison. Should have done her favorite juice or yogurt, bud. Or better yet, just kept it simple and said “I love you.”

Bees

A friend wanted to do some fun wordplay and release a small hive of bees, “because bees for my honey,” as much as we begged her not to. Turns out releasing a swarm of bees when your boyfriend comes out his front door just doesn’t carry the cuteness of the intention.

Love Song

If you’re not a musician, do not write a song for your partner. Especially do not sing it for them in public. You will rhyme “love” with “dove” and “cool” with “school” and your babe will definitely break up with you after seeing you wave all those red flags proudly.

Haunted House Proposal

A  local man, we’ll call him Jim, paid the city’s highest-rated haunted house to allow him to get into costume and join the haunting. The creepy clown room, specifically. When his girlfriend came through the room with a friend and a blood-covered clown jumped out of the shadows wielding a chainsaw and bellowing “I can’t imagine my life without you! Will you do me the honor of marrying me?” she screamed and fainted. Are they still together? I’ll keep it a mystery, but let’s be real, probably not.

Test Results

Thinking he was being called in to discuss some troubling test results, a man sat in a small room with a doctor who played the part all too coolly at the instruction of his scheming girlfriend. The doctor came in looking forlorn, sighed and sat down, and then very seriously said, “The results are in. You have tested 100% for being an Absolute Hottie. Treatment is lots of kisses.” His girlfriend couldn’t understand why he broke up with her. You hate to see it.

Ransom Notes

A treasure hunt for your sweetie is a very cute idea. Perhaps next time, do not write the clues in cut out newspaper letters, a-la-ransom note. By the end your girlfriend will think she is going to be held hostage. 0/10 stars.

Tattoo

While a “Will u Marry Me? Yes/No” note a-la-fifth grade “Do u like me?” note is a cute throwback, getting it tattooed is not. Bummer to have to get that big red circle around the “No” tattooed.

Nail Clipping Art

My guy. A portrait statue of nail clippings, though a remarkable feat, has undertones of voodoo and will leave them forever wondering how long you’ve been scheming and stealthily collecting the materials at every opportunity. Creepy at the very minimum, bordering on harassment.

Skydiving Proposal

Proposing while skydiving, while a good idea in theory and badass as fuck, is not a good idea in practice, particularly if your partner is afraid of heights and hates skydiving. We all tried to tell John but he just wouldn’t listen, and lo and behold, John remains unmarried.

Romantic Rash

Romantic gestures are for all ages! Promposals are all the rage these days. A kid at my cousin’s school wrote “Prom?” In Aloe, to which he is allergic to, across his chest. The resulting, gnarly “Prom?” -shaped rash did not pack the punch he thought it would, but better to learn these lessons early, right?

Neighborhood Drug Front Actually Best Place to Get Sandwiches

Posted on by Marie Cartier

QUINCY, Mass. – Neighborhood staple Al’s Market won an online poll for “Best Local Sandwich Spot,” despite strong evidence of it being a front for drug trafficking, multiple sources report.

“The first time I went to Al’s Market, I’ll admit it’s because I heard they had great coke and I needed a little pick me up to get through the night,” said one furry vest-clad man who refers to himself as DJ Stimul8. “But then one of the employees suggested I eat something to line my stomach first and that son of a bitch made me the dopest turkey cranberry sammy for only five bucks. This thing was loaded, oils, mustards, all on a bread that was so fresh and delicious that I felt like I wasn’t worthy enough to have it grace my filthy mouth. At Al’s, they don’t just hook up the good shit. They care about the community.”

Though many neighbors also appreciate the access to a quick, cheap meal that Al’s provides, not everyone understands the hype.

“Nobody knows who actually owns that place. I’ve tried introducing myself and any time I do that the employees keep saying ‘if you’re a cop you’re legally obligated to tell me.’ They have one broken table inside and why is the only drink they sell expired Shasta Cola?” asked artisan baker Travis Cullen, owner of nearby restaurant Nettle and Pear. “I source fresh farm-to-table ingredients for all my paninis, and I’m still not getting any traction in this neighborhood. To keep up I’ve started selling some of my mother’s pills on the side, but people still love Al’s no matter how hard I try.”

The conflict between upscale eateries and corner delis has been playing out in cities across the nation for decades now, but drug fronts may have an unexpectedly important role to play in communities’ ability to withstand the forces of gentrification.

“With commercial rents skyrocketing in urban areas, it’s almost impossible for a legitimate business to survive,” said Tanya Williams, a specialist in Urban Planning and Development. “In this environment, drug fronts have become essential. Since they don’t have to worry about the margins of the front-facing business, they are one of the only places left that can provide affordable meals to working-class people. Without these businesses, we would be subjected to more overpriced frozen yogurt joints that offer no drugs whatsoever.”

The on-shift employee at Al’s Market was asked for a comment on this story, but he was too busy counting cash and taking calls on a BlueTooth earpiece.

You Know What Energy Source Hasn’t Skyrocketed in Price Due to Russia? Steam! Op-ed by Reginald Vondurchdenwald

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

By Jove! It appears that, once again, the cost of petroleum has gone through the roof! If only society had heeded my words once again and switched to a less costly, more efficient mode of transportation. Batteries, you say? Unreliable. Solar!? Har, we are decades away from that. No, no, no. Steam, my dear boy! The energy source of the past and future. Check your pocket watch, for the time of steam has come.

Under the power of steam, the only thing that will skyrocket is you in your jet pack. You heard that correctly, old boy. Steam-powered jet packs! Throw on your leather top hat, pull down your goggles, strap a bunch of cogs to your belt for some reason, and come with me on a fantastical adventure! An adventure to the future where all you need is some water to power your house, car, and dirigible. Just imagine using the same water for your morning cuppa tea as you do to power your computation machine. All for the cost of a shave and a haircut! Now doesn’t that just fog your monocle?!

Once the polar ice caps melt, we will have plenty of water to heat to boiling point and push through a complicated series of iron tubes and meters in order to power locomotives and automated launderettes. Now that’s what I call sustainability! Why, when last I checked, a liter of water costs much less than a liter of petrol. What the bourgeois Romanovs in Moscow do will have no consequence on your steam-powered robot butler.

Drought schmought! Water cannot just disappear, you daft nitwit! It has to go somewhere once we flush our toilets and water our metallic gardens. I suspect that it is collected in vast reservoirs deep underground and all we have to do is drill for it. I know what you are saying, “But Sir Reginald, we already drill for oil and it is destroying the planet.” Ah! But my drilling machines will be environmentally friendly because they will run on, you guessed it, steam! I LOVE STEAM!

I just need five million in gold doubloons to get my water drilling machine up and running. Soon enough we will be wealthy steam barons living in floating mansions on islands in the sky that stay aloft via the power of steam. STEAM!