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34-Year-Old Sends “You Up?” Text at 9:30 PM

NACOGDOCHES, Texas — Local 34-year-old Mark Finn was unsuccessful in his attempts to woo a woman into meeting up no-strings for sexual intercourse by texting them “You Up?” at 9:30 p.m., according to well-rested sources.

“This worked a couple times in my twenties, but the last few years I don’t think I’ve gotten a single response though,” said Finn. “Maybe it’s just too much of a long shot. I mean, 9:30 is pretty late. And by the time they get here it’d probably be 10 or later. I have work the next day too. Maybe I’ll start around 8:30 or 9, because if this isn’t wrapped up by 11 my workout the next morning just isn’t gonna happen, and that just makes the rest of my day feel super off.”

Those on the receiving end of Finn’s outrageously late inquiries are appalled.

“Mark has tried this twice now, and it’s honestly so disrespectful,” said 32-year-old Tess Busey, of the unsuccessful attempts made on Finn’s behalf. “Like, 9:30 at night, are you kidding me? I’ve got my skincare routine done and my nose in a book by 8:30, maybe 8:45 at the latest if I didn’t get around to meal prepping on Sunday. This routine works for me, and I’m sure not going to break it for some mediocre dick from a guy who’s 34 going on 20.”

Sex and Relationship Experts largely agree that attempting to find a sexual partner spontaneously through text is a poor strategy, especially for people in their mid-thirties.

“Generally speaking, the success rate of “You Up?” texts are extremely low with any age group,” said Kelly Penn, author of several books on sex and relationships, including ‘It IS Too Late: How to Find Love in Your 30s While Following Your Circadian Rhythm.’ “When speaking specifically about adults 32 and older, it works less than 1% of the time. My recommendation would be to find an entirely new strategy, like not being a pathetic loser, or joining an age-appropriate singles kickball league.”

At press time, sources reported that Finn sent “You Up?” texts to multiple women at 7:30 PM following a work happy hour, but had passed out by 8 PM with no responses.