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How Being A Gemini Drastically Delayed My Bipolar Diagnosis

My whole life, I just kept hearing, “You Geminis… I never know which one of you I’m gonna get! One minute you’re throwing the BBQ in the pool, and the next you’re Irishing good-bye-ing your own party to hole up in your basement for two weeks.” So when my psychiatrist said the word bipolar, I was like oh, no, you don’t understand… I was born on June 3rd.

I explained to her that out of nowhere, it feels like 100 puppies who just saw a park for the first time are bouncing around inside me for weeks at a time. I can’t sleep more than two hours a night because my mind and body are on fast forward in different directions. Then all of a sudden, the puppies take a two-month nap in this dark, soupy sludge of despair. But that’s just the yin and the yang of a Gemini, baby. I took out my license to prove my birthday and everything.

For some reason, that wasn’t enough to sway her, because she started writing a prescription. I was like, don’t worry, every horoscope I’ve ever read said I need to find balance, so alcohol has been the perfect regulator. Few beers to calm those puppies in the park, and a few beers to numb the soupy sludge. Now that I think about it, I wish I could just “screen shot” myself at three beers deep.

She called it “self-medicating”, which at first just sounded like narc-talk for microdosing, but this, and the fact that I’ve solely been listening to Suicide Silence and Alice In Chains for the last decade, really got me thinking… Maybe my overall mental health goes a little deeper than my astrological sign!

What a massive awakening! How many “depressed” and “manic” days could I have avoided if these hippy astrology nuts didn’t brainwash me with the stars?! Do you think you have a spicy temper because you’re a Taurus? Maybe you actually need anger management! Are you always late because you’re a Leo? Maybe you have ADD! Or you’re just an unreliable, inconsiderate asshole who doesn’t value my fucking time, in which case you’re just a Leo, but get that shit checked!

Maybe I shouldn’t have waited till I was 35 to seek therapy, but someone would’ve definitely would have mentioned this whole bipolar thing years ago if I was an Aquarius!