I’m Going To Win Over My Family’s Love and Affection One “Pay What You Want” Bandcamp Link to My Grindcore Band’s Demo at a Time

Posted on by Chris Bowen

All my life, I’ve felt like I’ve been a huge disappointment to my parents, and everyone else in my family. I feel like I’m the outcast, the forgotten son with an alcohol and VHS hoarding problem, the classic black sheep story. But this holiday season, with the help of Bandcamp and my band Septic Dunk Tank, I’m going to achieve the level of love and admiration of my family I deserve once and for all.

I can see the look on their faces now! They’ll say, “Our boy has finally done it! He’s put out a modern-day masterpiece of horror movie-influenced, b-movie sample-packed grindcore and he’s willing to let us, the ones closest to him, name OUR OWN price for it.”

I’m pretty sure that’s about as good as it gets as far as the perks of being related to a musician go.

Sure, my oldest brother Ricky has given my parents 2 healthy grandchildren, rejuvenating life back into their lives and existence, and my big-shot younger brother Bill has gone on to become regional manager of a chain of Tully’s restaurants in upstate New York, but one thing they cannot do is give them the gift of grind at a reasonable price. Or if they choose, no. Price. At. All.

Lately, my parents have given me the impression they aren’t totally on board with my choice to live off my band alone, but once they actually hear what we created in their garage that one Saturday, I’m sure all that’ll change. I just want them to love me for being a sick horror grind freak. But I will admit, making my dad regret screaming at us to shut up while recording that demo will be sort of a sweet feeling.

I know most of my family doesn’t really “get” the whole Septic Dunk Tank thing, and I get that. But I think when they hear what I’ve done with the help of my buds Scabb and Sico Nick, and especially at such a generous price, I’ll no longer be viewed as the unlovable loser I am now.

We Interviewed Rave Culture Icon the Cat in the Hat

Posted on by James Knapp

Rave culture: the annoying byproduct we all have to deal with so that New Order can exist. Still, there are certain touchstones to emerge from the scene which we at The Hard Times feel obligated to acknowledge. So we sat down with Theodor Geisel’s fictional feline, The Cat In the Hat.

Mostly we just wanted to know why everyone wore that stupid hat.

Hard Times: Thank you for taking the time to speak with us Mr. In the Hat.

Cat In the Hat: Huh. Yeah, sure. Can I have a glass of water?

Fine. You’ve been a massive influence on the rave scene from its earliest days. Is there something specific you can attribute that to?

You mean, besides the hat?

Yes. Something other than the hat.

Well I’m not really proud of this, but I was the one who first introduced ecstasy into those first electronica clubs. 

Really? You did that?

Of course. Man I was a real mess back in those days.

Oh yeah! It must have been a real wild time. 

Oh sure. I’d spend my nights flopping around in my tall striped hat and my crazy big bow tie.

Sick!

But then by day, I’d be so sleep deprived and dehydrated that I just end up crashing at random houses and causing chaos. Sweet Jesus! Sometimes there were children around and they’d get caught up in the whole thing. It was dark, I tell ya. Really dark.

Right. Sure. Sounds like a bummer. So anyway, what’s with the hat?

You didn’t actually listen to what I just said, did you?

What? No yeah we uh, you’re sober. Cool. What made you hit bottom? And id it involve the hat? 

It was 2008, I was at a Schoolastic Fair book signing in Atlanta with Nancy Drew. Out of nowhere she turns to me and says “I bet I could snort your furry ass under the table. Most of that weekend is a blur now but the ambulance bills confirmed I burned through 4 of my nine lives in two days. 

Speaking of numbers, are you still close with Thing 1 and Thing 2? 

Oh boy, uh, no, I had to cut ties with the Things. I’ll always love those guys but the dynamic we had just wasn’t healthy. Never mix kink play with mescalin kids. 

Well it’s great to see you healthier these days, and you have a book of your own coming out don’t you?

Yes Sir, it’s called “The Cat in the Hat Knows a Lot About Jack: A Memoir of Hubris and Destruction.” 

You wouldn’t happen to still have an E hookup would you? Our guy got shot at Burning Man last year.

(Exasperated sigh) …alright. Follow me to my car.

Municipal Waste Fan Excited to Learn There’s Also Band With That Name

Posted on by Ted Pillow

MINNEAPOLIS — Lifelong municipal waste enthusiast Rex Grunderson was overjoyed when recently discovered that there’s also a band with that name, sources confirmed at the Hennepin County Dump on Tuesday.

“Finally, the mainstream music industry is showing an interest in biomedical waste, discarded food, and construction debris…it’s about damn time!” shouted Grunderson while sifting through rusty pipes at a local scrapyard. “I’ve been obsessed with other people’s junk my whole life, so you can imagine how excited I was when some old guy under a highway overpass told me that there’s a band called Municipal Waste. I just hope they play my favorite genre of music, adult contemporary jazz.”

Municipal Waste, a thrash metal band from Richmond, Virginia, has apparently gained many misguided fans in this fashion over the years.

“Yeah, they show up at our concerts dragging trash cans and pushing shopping carts full of old car parts,” explained frontman Tony Foresta while purchasing a 12-pack of boogie boards. “They mean well, but they smell like shit, even by the standards of a metal show. And they sure as hell don’t buy any merch. Honestly, it’s our own fault for pigeonholing ourselves as a ‘garbage’ band. We never should’ve played the 2017 Sewage Treatment Festival with Trash Talk and Biohazard. The money was just too good, though.”

Grunderson may not be the only dumpster-diver drawn to Municipal Waste because of their name, but sources close to him confirm that he has a history of making similar mistakes.

“Dumping Rex was the best decision I ever made,” noted ex-girlfriend Anaya Chaudhary, while vacuuming under her couch cushions. “It’s been six months and I’m still cleaning up after his grimy ass. But yeah, he doesn’t know anything about music because he’s too busy scavenging landfills. When it comes to bands he just bases everything off the name and then claims to be a fan of them. Let’s just say he got into Pissed Jeans and Diarrhea Planet for all the wrong reasons.”

As of press time, Grunderson was headed back to the highway overpass to get more music recommendations and maybe pick up a hubcap or two.

Spilled CBD Oil Tanker Leaves Miles Of Marine Life Unsure If They Feel Any Different

Posted on by Rob Steinberg

LAKE CHARLES, La. — An oil tanker owned by ExxonCBD carrying over a million gallons of cannabidiol tipped over spilling its cargo everywhere causing numerous species of fish to struggle to figure out if they notice any changes.

“This oil spill has really destroyed our home… I think? Because of this carelessness, I am left feeling very relaxed. I don’t know really. Maybe I need to swim around in the oil slick for a few more minutes in order to feel something,” said one of the whales currently chilling in the spill zone. “Maybe we gotta wait a little while longer or something. I’m not buzzed or anything. The 400 pounds of herring I ate earlier digested much smoother than normal, but there are several factors that could have affected that. I mean I’ve had a lingering pain in my dorsal ridge that feels pretty good right now, so maybe the oil is helping with that.”

Several environmentalists traveled to the accident to help as much as could possibly be done including Jennifer Peterson.

“It’s time the billionaires of CBD take responsibility for their actions. This is a terrible travesty that is causing confusion within most of the marine life, ” said Peterson while trying to bottle some of the spilled oil. “Our volunteer crew has been working around the clock asking fish about their anxiety levels before and after the accident. With any luck, we will be able to figure out if the CBD is actually working. The poor creatures just can’t figure it out. Could you imagine if something with THC polluted the area too? Then they might actually feel something for sure.”

Suzanne Cheney, CEO of ExxonCBD issued a statement later in the evening.

“We here at ExxonCBD care about the planet and assure you we do everything we can to prevent future catastrophes,” said Cheney. “Yes a small spill happened, but we believe CBD oil has benefits for all species. We will do our best to help fund the clean-up effort but our main priority is hiring sober-minded security guards to keep any white people with dreadlocks from approaching the spill site and trying to get free product.”

ExxonCBD also made headlines earlier this year after they were caught bribing politicians to allow drilling for an EPA-protected Sticky Icky Kush endangered only to Woody Harrelson’s closet.

The Next Supreme Court Justice? This Geriatric Man Doesn’t Give A Shit About My Crippling Student Loans

Posted on by Jus Kaplan

Wow, I am truly starstruck. I was walking around my local Stop & Shop a few weeks ago and ran into a person I’m pretty sure could be the next Supreme Court Justice of the United States.

He was a 70-something white guy with ill-fitting dentures and a confused look on his face that read, “I don’t know where the peanut butter is.” But you know what REALLY made me think he could serve on the highest court in the country? His total disregard for America’s student debt crisis!

“When I was your age, I paid for my bachelor’s and law degrees by working at a grocery store just like this one,” he said unprompted as I tried to slide by his cart, which was blocking the entire aisle. “I cut costs, unlike your generation. Me and my lousy hippie roommate had to split our half-dollar pack of cigarettes so we could afford to buy a dozen eggs for 97 cents, but we never complained. That’s America folks.”

When I told this man softly that I’d have to work more than six times as many hours as he did in the 1970s to pay off my undergraduate degree, I could have sworn I was talking to Clarence Thomas himself!

But the biggest deja vu moment when this man really proved he could be a genuine Chief Justice came when I was checking out. I was about to hand the cashier my discount card to receive the discounts the store had advertised, and he walked right up and swatted it out of my hand! Then he pontificated some shit that didn’t make a lick of sense, I just remember hearing the word “bootstraps” a lot.

He then walked right out of the store with a full cart of groceries he didn’t pay for. Amazing! It was so exciting to meet someone who could very well spend the rest of his sun-downing years making decisions that affect all of us, unobstructed by any means of challenge. So much so that I almost forgot I owe $84,029 in federal student loans, plus interest. Almost.

Convicted Oath Keepers Plead With Judge to Let Them Catch Just One Metallica, Pantera Tour Date

Posted on by Chris Bowen

WASHINGTON — Members of the far-right militia group “The Oath Keepers” pleaded with a federal judge to let them attend just one date of the recently announced Metallica and Pantera tour before being jailed for participating in seditious activities during the January 6th insurrection, several angry white sources confirmed.

“Well, that figures. A federal court convicts me for being a loyal patriot, now I’m most likely going to miss the best tour any metal fan could ask for,” Oath Keeper founding member Stewart Rhodes angrily explained. “I got into my biggest drunken fistfights at those concerts in the past. And now I’m probably going to miss out on all the debauchery just because I had to partake in a lousy insurrection. All I have to say is Donald Trump better bail me out to catch this show. After all, it’s his fault I’m in this fucking mess.”

US district judge Amit Mehta weighed in on the possibility of granting the extreme militia members a hall pass to see the Walmart of metal tours.

“First of all, the treasonist atrocities committed by the Oath Keepers on January 6th are shameful and downright dangerous,” Judge Mehta said with a stern demeanor. “But not as shameful and hazardous as Pantera without the Abbot brothers. My objections aside, I am contemplating granting Rhodes’ request to see the tour under a few conditions: each Oath Keeper needs to be surrounded by armed guards, no buying of merch, no alcohol consumption, and absolutely NO indoctrinating anyone under any circumstance. I hope they don’t make me regret this.”

Famed drummer and unofficial spokesperson for Metallica, Lars Ulrich, expressed his thoughts about the convicts’ request.

“Listen, I don’t condone anything the Oath Keepers stand for,” Ulrich said while tuning his solid gold snare drum. “But their money is still good to us. It takes a lot of cash to keep a machine like Metallica running. And to anyone who might think it’s ‘dangerous’ or ‘irresponsibly stupid’ to allow members of a vocal and heavily armed right-wing militia to attend your stadium show, at $550 dollars a pop, it would be stupid not to.”

At press time, Rhodes made a request to the judge to allow him to eat at his favorite casino buffet before being sent to prison.

Green Day Coffee Company Keeps Reusing Same Three Roasts

Posted on by Louie Aronowitz

OAKLAND, Calif. — Green Day’s newest venture, Oakland Coffee, was criticized for using the same three bland roasts over and over again, confirmed multiple caffeinated sources.

“Green Day has always been about simplicity, so it just made sense to use three types of basic coffee beans and just roast them really loud and fast over and over again. People seem to be digging it, so we aren’t going to change the tried and true Green Day formula,” commented frontman Billie Joe Armstrong while lowering the shop’s espresso machine down to his ankles before pushing the buttons on the control panel as hard as possible. “Don’t tell anyone, but some of the newer unreleased flavors are literally the same flavors we’ve been serving just with different packaging.”

Self-proclaimed coffee fanatic Mike Brass was introduced to the coffee brand by his son and was met with a similar complaint over lack of variation.

“I got a few bags in the mail and thought the packaging seemed a little aggressive. But once I tasted it I realized it was all just sort of formulaic, nothing was really pushing the boundaries. There’s no melody of flavors or anything, just the same boring flavor for about three minutes and then it’s over,” said Brass. “They need to study the classics! Look at the drummer from Aerosmith’s coffee, it makes me want to get in my F-150 and drive around all day. The Aerosmith coffee changed with the times but never stopped delivering a punch, that’s how it should be done.”

Coffee expert Dr. Dana Jennings tried to spin the lack of variation as a positive.

“It’s the recycling of the same three roasts that makes the coffee so interesting,” Jennings offered while pouring various beans into test tubes and beakers to run undisclosed experiments. “Anyone can create a kooky blend and call it ‘different’ and ‘original.’ The real skill comes in using a very basic set of roasts in new and interesting ways. That’s the genius of Oakland Coffee. Maybe it’s an acquired taste and requires a more advanced palette, or if more people understood coffee theory they’d appreciate it. Or if they just really like Green Day to begin with for some reason.”

Recent reports have confirmed Blink-182 are also developing a coffee blend with even weirder pronunciations of all the bean origins.

Opinion: No Scumbag Pop Punk Frontman Is Above Being Replaced — Plenty of Predators Can Sing Like That

Posted on by Audrey Vieira

All pop punk frontmen are the same. With their limited vocal ranges, minimal guitar skill, and shared affinities for black skinny jeans, these guys are so interchangeable that it would be difficult to tell them apart in a festival lineup, let alone a police lineup.

In the rare event that one faces consequences for their actions, these similarities make them surprisingly easy to replace. No pop punk frontman is essential when there’s a whole registry of other men who can sing out of their noses.

Replacing a scumbag pop punk frontman can often be a blessing in disguise. Typing out a notes app statement about his removal from the band is a fantastic opportunity for his bandmates to explain how they’re the real victims of the whole situation.

Time away from the band is also great for former frontmen to work on endeavors of their own such as podcasts, songs about cancel culture, or defamation lawsuits. It’s ridiculous how far some girls will go to ruin the careers of promising young musicians with hundreds of Spotify listeners. Nevertheless, pop punk bands should take these situations seriously, especially if they were looking for an excuse to get a new singer anyway.

The new guy won’t need much practice filling the shoes of a disgraced vocalist. He probably already knows all the older chords since he played similar ones in his previous band. So long as nobody remembers why that group imploded, fans will welcome him with open arms.

Maybe the frontman he replaced will get the chance to fill another’s shoes if everyone forgets about his own crimes in a few years. Best case scenario, he might get invited back into the band if his replacement ends up being even more of a PR disaster.

Pop punk vocalists may be above the law, but none are above being replaced with another dude whose singing talent is inversely proportional to his understanding of consent. As long as bands have a vaguely worded apology and a near-identical replacement waiting in the wings, they can keep playing all three of their chords as if nothing happened.

Review: The Acacia Strain “3750”

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

This week we take a look back on The 2004 metalcore album “3750” by the pride of Chicopee, Massachusetts, The Acacia Strain. Or, at least, we tried to…you see, there was unfortunately some confusion.

When I first asked the Hard Times what I’d be covering this week, they quickly responded with “3750.” I said “Uh, I’m really sorry, but I’m a little short on cash this week…could you do a lower price tag? I really want to do a review this week.”

Again, they said “3750.” I sent them a picture of my opened change purse, with the witty blurb “see? I can’t even afford a moth to fly out of this thing, much less 37 and a half bucks! Ha ha” and waited for them to respond with either a lower price point or, since they enjoyed my little joke so much, just the name of an album without me having to shell out any money.

Nope. They said “3750.” Dang! I thought hard. I was about to tell them that I didn’t recall having to pay anything for any of the other reviews I’ve done, but stopped myself in case there was some clerical error and their next response was an invoice. Better keep a low profile.

I said “Ok, well, I’ve got three dollars and 18 cents, so I’ll just scrounge up 34 dollars and 32 cents and we’ll be off to the races – Say! The races! Maybe I can get some more dough by betting on at the dog track!” to which they responded “3750.”

I was stopped in my tracks. I noticed there was no decimal point at all! They were asking for 3,750 big ones! It would take me years to accumulate that sort of wealth. I did the math in my head and, any which way I fudged the figures, it just didn’t seem fiscally responsible for me to pay almost 4000 dollars to write a 30 dollar review.

I handed in my uniform (my head’s been chilly ever since from where that propeller beanie used to be) and told them that I’d no longer be able to write reviews for the Hard Times. I left on a hopeful note, however. I signed off my resignation letter with “Hopefully I’ll be able to one day write for your publication again, some year down the line.” to which they graciously responded with “3750.” Only about 172 decades from now! By then I should be rich!

Anyway, hope to see you all in a few thousand years!

Score: You guessed it – 37/50

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