Hardcore Frontman Kicked Out of Band After Failing to Make Weight

Posted on by Bobby Korec

ANTIGO, Wis. — Members of local hardcore band Body Parts ousted frontman Jay Terrold after he failed to make the agreed upon weight to be the band’s intimidating vocalist, sources who didn’t know where they were going to find a jacked replacement singer on such short notice confirmed.

“I was literally only three pounds under so they could’ve easily just rounded up, but they instead chose violence,” said Terrold before weighing himself again to see if he gained any last-minute beef. “I mean, I did everything I could to bulk up before our next show but I was still somehow disqualified. I hit the gym, carbo-loaded, and even swallowed protein powder straight from the container. I get that they really wanted to win this upcoming battle of the bands competition against the defending champions, but this is no way to do it. Honestly never thought I would get kicked out of a band I founded 10 years ago.”

Members of the group defended their decision to fire the singer.

“We have strict weight requirements in order maintain our hardcore brand and street cred,” said guitarist Dirk Montez while doing a set of bicep curls. “That’s exactly why we have weigh-ins before each practice session and then again prior to any show we play just in case. And we have absolutely no tolerance for cheaters in this band either. Hell, we once kicked out our bassist after we caught him taking performance-enhancing drugs. Sure, the drug was booze and it really loosened him up on stage, but rules are rules.”

Music critic Florin Magnator found this sort of unorthodox behavior to be commonplace.

“Bands throughout history have had a record of instituting arbitrary requirements for members,” said Magnator. “Some emo bands actually require their singer to have no less than three bad breakups a month. Black metal bands routinely force their frontmen to commit arson to their local church at least annually. And some ska bands make their singers jump in a bouncy castle for at least 20 minutes a day to help ‘stay in character.’ Many find these tactics a bit much, but I can tell you that it really works to keep the image consistent.”

At press time, Terrold reportedly slimmed down just enough to make a local indie folk band.

Millennial Audiophile Prefers Warm, Crisp Sound of Music Downloaded From LimeWire

Posted on by Bobby Korec

ROCK HALL, Md. — Local 34-year-old audiophile Jacob Mastinson revealed that he prefers the warm and crisp sound of music exclusively downloaded from LimeWire, heavily eye-rolling sources confirmed.

“The quality you get on this peer-to-peer file-sharing application is second to none,” said Mastinson before stating that burned CDs offer the second-best sound. “Just today I was listening to a song I downloaded called ‘Mr. Brightside’ by the band Interpol on my $35 refurbished computer speakers, and I simply could not get over the quality. The warmth. The brightness. The way it cut off 90 seconds into the song seemingly out of nowhere. It’s the only way to truly experience music in this day and age. These kids today simply don’t have an appreciation for it. Neither does anyone older than me, for that matter.”

Mastinson’s roommate Linda Berkshire really wishes he’d get off his high horse.

“I can’t play vinyl on my record player through professional speakers that cost me hundreds of dollars without him telling me it’d sound more like the artist intended if I played a heavily-compressed MP3 version instead,” said Berkshire while eating leftover Thai food in the fridge that had the words “Jacob’s, please don’t eat” written on the container. “To make matters worse, he doesn’t know the actual names of half of the songs he downloads from LimeWire. Yesterday he told me his favorite song was ‘Smells Underscore Like Underscore Teen Underscore Spirit 426789.’ Can’t believe this guy aspires to be an audio engineer one day.”

Experts were quick to note that audiophiles come in all shapes and sizes.

“Every generation seems to have their own version of sound quality appreciators,” said music historian Ron Dansberry. “Millennials typically favor music they obtained through file-sharing methods. Gen X audiophiles on the other hand prefer vinyl. Boomers think 8-track tapes were the height of audio quality. And Gen Zers exclusively play music that’s been remixed so much that it’s unlistenable to other generations. There was even a short-lived cassette-based audiophile group, but they faded out pretty quickly after learning how inconvenient it is to listen to a tape. It’s anyone’s guess as to what the future holds for ever-evolving audiophiles.”

At press time, Mastinson noted that AOL Instant Messenger was the pinnacle of online social interaction.

We Let Our Niece Mess Around With Our Phone and Now All of Our Instagram Posts Look Like Belle & Sebastian Album Covers

Posted on by Neel Bhakta

Being an adult is tough. There are taxes and oil changes, eventually, you’d do anything for a moment of peace and quiet. Even when I’m babysitting my niece, I end up just throwing on YouTube for her on my phone to close my eyes and relax for a bit. I didn’t know this, but apparently, that’s exactly how you end up with Belle & Sebastian album covers all over your Instagram page.

I have a very serious image to maintain and part of that means being extremely selective about what I post to social media. I didn’t get to 244 followers by winging it. I had to painstakingly curate every angle, every pixel to get to where I am. And now it’s all ruined because my niece decided to use the same filter Hollywood uses for films in Mexico.

I was too busy dissociating in the living room to notice her messing around with my phone and by the time I grabbed my phone, I was going viral. While I’ve always wanted to pop off on the ‘gram, I don’t want to be known as the poster boy of anxious adults who think they’re starring opposite Zooey Deschanel in a 2000s rom-com.

I love my niece, but she really fucked me over here. As if the posts themselves weren’t bad enough, she also deemed it necessary to caption each post with a charming but long-winded description of a very mundane experience about daily life. It’s kinda amazing, she’s only 7 and she has a high schooler’s grasp of English and a lonely and pathetic middle-aged man’s taste in music.

And if that’s not bad enough, now my DMs are rampant with these manic pixie dream girl types. They keep asking me if I want to go rent Penny-farthings and buy matching berets and eventually have a huge life-changing argument in a busy airport that ends in a loving embrace.

Goddamn it, I think my niece put all my TikToks in reverse too. Gotta delete those before people start thinking I like Coldplay.

5 Christmas Traditions From Around the World That Will Make You Say “Holy Fuck, That’s Racist”

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

Christmas is the most wonderful time of the year, all the world over! Though America undeniably has the best version of Baby Jesus’s birthday, it turns out that other countries have their own non-Coca-Cola-derived traditions and wow, a lot of them are just racist as hell.

Like seriously, it is crazy how racist some of them are. You might think history would catch up to Christmas at some point, but you’d be wrong!

The Netherlands:
Zwarte Piet: Okay, we’re just going to rip the Band-Aid off with this one and get it out of the way quickly. The Dutch tradition of, oh God, “Black Peter” has been bowdlerized to push the idea that Sinterklaas just happens to have a guy who follows him around doing all his hard work and is black, but they’re totally buddies and there isn’t anything worse happening. Good lord.

Sure, he’s black because of the soot from the chimneys. Fucking sure.

Russia:
Christmas Fortune Tellers: Did you know that in Russia, it’s a beloved tradition to hire fortune tellers to predict the future during ​​Svyatki, the “unholy days” following Christmas? We’ll leave it to sink in that Russia has a pretty problematic history toward the people traditionally viewed as “fortune tellers” and their own “unholy” religious practices and Jesus, that’s fucked up.

Sweden:
The Purity Witch: You would think the Swedes would know better, but then you hear about the Purity Witch, the aged, hideous woman that precedes Saint Nicholas on his Christmas journey and pokes children’s faces with her long, filthy nails to see if any of their ancestors were tainted by the blood of Finns and thus have fleshy noses. We guess Swedes and Finns are racist to each other?

That’s weird and all kinds of sad.

Austria:
Hitler Stockings: What the fuck, Austria? Why in the world would you pin long socks with tiny mustaches on them to the front of all Volkswagons on December 24th? Why can the stockings only be filled with Wiener Zuckerl and copies of a certain book we would prefer not to mention? This one feels like it should be straight-up illegal.

U.S.A:
The Worship of Heatmiser: Even other racist countries think America is crazy for this one! Every year, Americans all around the country gather around their televisions to give praise and thanks to Heatmiser, who, as we all know, represents the everlasting, inescapable flame of burning racial hatred.

Merry Christmas!

Guy Who Did Original Mastering on Album Guesses He Will Just Go Fuck Himself

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

QUINCY, Mass. — Local sound engineer Terry Crain was dejected to see an album he mastered 15 years ago for $250 is now being remastered without any of his “valuable” insight, confirmed studio interns that don’t think they will be getting any college credits.

“I take this as a direct slap in the face. This is what I get for working with a bunch of talentless punk kids, I spent at least five minutes per song making sure all the levels were absolutely fucking perfect. Sometimes I wonder why I even bother,” said Crain in the studio he hasn’t invested a single dollar in since Clinton’s first term. “I know the guys in Checkpoint were complaining that you could hear me coughing in the background of a handful of tracks, but that sort of thing adds depth to recordings. I’m sure when they play live people are wondering why nobody on stage is hacking up a lung during their favorite, well-mastered, songs.”

Checkpoint frontman Mike Campbell explained why the band decided to remaster their debut album “The Pain of a Forgotten Past.”

“My dad was friends with Terry so we figured we could save a few dollars and get a passable record,” said Campbell. “We recorded the whole album in 23 minutes. Terry didn’t let us do a second take of anything, including the part where a light fixture fell on our drummer Nate during the last song. He kept suggesting we pay him in beer, and we kept telling him we were underage. Honestly, I’m embarrassed his name is even in the liner notes. So yeah, we had Kurt Ballou remaster it because that’s what any logical person would do.”

Longtime Checkpoint fans were excited about the reissue, but admit they couldn’t really tell the difference between the two recordings.

“I guess the guitar sort of sounds a little louder in the remastered version? And maybe the vocals are a bit more clear? But that depends on whether I’m listening to it in my car or on headphones,” said former Bridge 9 forum moderator Ashlee Listford. “Ok the one thing that is definitely more clear is the soundbite they used from ‘The Boondock Saints,’ the original clip is sort of muddy sounding, but on the remastered version I can actually make out what Willem Dafoe is saying.”

Former Checkpoint drummer Allen White was also upset with the band when he wasn’t asked to play any of their reunion shows because of “politics” and having racked up six DUIs in the last year.

Punk Hoping Cat That Bit Him Two Weeks Ago Is Doing OK

Posted on by Ben Friedman

PHILADELPHIA — Local punk Kyle Shillington was seen canvassing his neighborhood in hopes of confirming that a feral cat who bit him survived the ordeal, skeptical locals confirmed.

“I never had a pet growing up, so it seemed like fate brought us together when I met him at the dumpster behind the Chinese place next door. I’d been hooking him up with slightly expired Cheetos and Red Bulls all year when he just up and bit me with what felt like extreme malice. I want to be angry but I’m like 99% sure I just gave him a death sentence once he broke the skin,” said Shillington. “It’s been two weeks and I haven’t seen a trace of him since. I can only hope he found a new place to hunker down, but if we’re being realistic the fact that I have all three forms of Hepatitis doesn’t bode well for that furry little guy.”

Shillington’s roommate voiced his concern for the cat’s well-being days before the incident occurred.

“Between the elements, food scarcity, and dodging cars all day, I never thought this cat’s fate would be decided by a guy who views eating fruit as conformist. I told him a feral cat is the last thing we need hanging around the house and it’s only going to end with somebody dying, and it sure as shit wasn’t going to be any of the mice living in the backyard,” said Tim Platz. “He’s never not loaded, so one drop of blood and that cat must’ve had instant alcohol poisoning. Kyle has a good heart, but animal rearing is not in his wheelhouse. Last year animal control came and took his ferret after the neighbors found it covered in wood glue, trying to hotwire their car.”

The local ASPCA has reported an alarming increase in animals plagued with human afflictions, putting entire counties at risk.

“It’s six degrees of bullshit nowadays. The other day I had a dog come in with rabies because he bit a guy who was bitten by a raccoon! We’ve had to put so many animals who’ve bitten someone down not because they’re dangerous to society, but because they’ve contracted polio. Thanks, anti-vaxxers,” said volunteer veterinarian Ashlee Smith. “With this cat though, our best case scenario is that when it does die, it won’t do it near or in the local water supply. Last thing we need is a ‘28 Days Later’ situation because a crust punk didn’t shower for six months.”

As of press time, Shillington was relieved to hear his feline friend was alive, after reports of a cat matching the same description was found the next town over and had killed several people.

I Said I’m a Guitar Nerd, I Didn’t Say I’m Good

Posted on by Matt McInerney

Welcome to my studio! Or at least the part of the basement that my wife lets me keep all of my gear in. I’ve got a lot of cool stuff down. Feel free to take a look around. You’ll probably notice I’m a total guitar nerd. Go ahead, ask me anything about it! I’m sorry, what’d you ask? You want to hear me shred? Um, look, I said I’m a guitar nerd. I didn’t say I’m good.

I see you looking over my shoulder here. Yep, that’s the real deal. This guitar was actually hand-made by Les Paul himself. And it features a totally custom, one-of-a-kind paint job. It’s a real beauty. I don’t even want to tell you how much it costs… Whoa, whoa, don’t go picking it up! I don’t need your grubby fingerprints all over it. I’m sure you want to hear it, but just trust me. The thick searing sound is unmatched. The one time I played it, you’ve never heard the chorus of Everlong played on repeat with such a rich tone.

Why don’t you take a look over here instead? You’ve gotta see my isolation box. I custom-built it to perfectly fit my 1960 Vox AC15 Twin amp. Then I wired it all up, and I ran these pure gold cables into my vintage rack-mounted interface. It’s like a tiny Sound City, but even better because it’s totally unsullied. And as soon as I write my masterpiece, you can imagine the recording is going to sound incredible.

Have you seen my pedal board? Check out this baby. That’s a Klon. I found it for $20,000 on Reverb. One of the very few left in the world. The craftsmanship is pristine. You should see the germanium diodes and the soldering. Well, I haven’t actually seen them. I would never open it up. Also, the components are covered in epoxy resin. But you could imagine what it would be like. And it works like a charm. Truly the way the low E string on ‘Smoke on the Water’ was meant to sound.

Alright, let’s head back upstairs. We can take a look at my Magic card collection. Whoa, I said LOOK at my Magic cards. I don’t even want to know how much value these babies could lose if you smudge up that second sleeve.

Review: Fiddlehead “Springtime and Blind”

Posted on by James Knapp

This week we took a look at post-hardcore supergroup Fiddlehead’s first full-length album “Springtime and Blind,” which the band wrote over the span of three months they spent snowed in at an isolated cabin in an uncharted area of haunted wilderness.

Details as to how the band arrived at the cabin are suspect. Several experienced mountain men claim to have seen a group of hardcore statesmen traveling via moose back through the dense forest days before the snowstorm swept the area. All that is known for certain is that once arriving at the cabin there was no going back.

Tracks from the album describe countless, creepy and cerebral aspects of being blizzarded into a small wooden room surrounded by ghosts.

The lead-off track, “The Walls Bleed Always,” apparently describes a red, molasses-like substance that constantly poured from the ceiling edges. Blood perhaps? They seemed to believe so, and tasted it several times to be sure.

Then the album moves into the slower ballads “A Weird Shadow Constantly Circles Outside” and “We’re Pretty Sure the Bass Player Is Possessed by a Succubus.” More than any others on the album, these tracks illustrate the indie side of the band, eschewing the more post-hardcore elements of their songwriting for hushed vocals about how “if we stay away from the windows it won’t know we’re in here,” and the sounds of an eerie, Victorian doll humming hauntingly after the band locked it inside a toy chest.

But the stand-out track from the record has to be the blistering anthem “Skeletons! There are Skeletons Coming Up From Under the Floorboards!” which showcases some of the band’s best use of layered vocals through nearly eleven minutes of prolonged screaming followed by a sudden cut to silence which lasts another eleven minutes.

Overall, “Springtime and Blind” is a comprehensive look into what life overwintering in a haunted cabin can do to a band’s psyches. Also, we wish the members of Fiddlehead the best as they all remain under intensive psychiatric care.

Score: 10 out of 10 Skeletons! More Skeletons!

/**/

Tim Armstrong Has Ribs Removed So He Can Reach His Own Guitar Knobs

Posted on by Jon Wood

LOS ANGELES — Rancid frontman Tim Armstrong recently underwent elective surgery to remove several ribs that long prevented him from reaching the knobs on his distinctively low-slung guitar, confirmed several sources with very different opinions about which Rancid album is the best one.

“It feels like an enormous weight has been lifted. I can’t believe how long I’ve been playing this way. Just think about how great our Op Ivy stuff would’ve sounded if I’d just been able to switch pickups and dial back the treble,” said Armstong. “Looking back on all those years when I would holler at the crowd to ‘pick it up’ I see that it was a veiled cry for help—but now I can reach all the way down by myself. I like it so much that I’ll be locking myself in my room for the next several weeks to reach those knobs.”

Rancid bassist and long-time collaborator Matt Freeman believed Armstrong might’ve gone too far.

“I think it’s weird, even a little depraved. I mean, couldn’t he just let a roadie jack him in and fiddle with his knobs like a normal musician?” said Freeman. “Takes all kinds, I guess. Personally, I get a ton of grief for playing responsibly with a pick instead of slapping it like all of the old school raw doggers out there, but you know what, not everyone has had the benefit of California’s progressive music education curriculum. I also find it helps me last longer on stage—and in over 40 years of playing some of the sketchiest venues you can imagine, I can proudly say that I’ve never caught a yeast infection.”

The surgeon who performed Armstrong’s operation concluded that the medical procedure was pretty much the only solution to his patient’s problem.

“Mr. Armstrong is recovering as well as we could hope. He initially reported some blurry vision, but saw nothing wrong, which is always an encouraging sign,” said Dr. Aaron Mew. “Make no mistake, we explored every available option to treat his unique condition, ranging from experimental tone and volume pedals to simply adjusting his guitar strap, but ultimately concluded that a risky, invasive operation was the only viable solution for Tim Timebomb to play his signature Gretsch as comically low to the ground as he goddamn pleases.”

At press time, Armstrong checked back into the hospital to undergo emergency spine surgery due to complications arising from the weight of his out-of-control beard.

Dad Going to Go Ahead and Read Entire Van Halen Wikipedia Page Out Loud at Dinner

Posted on by Tim Nash

SACRAMENTO, Calif. — Local patriarch and casual Van Halen fan Steven Kaufman treated his extended family to a thorough read-through of the band’s entire Wikipedia page during dinner, bored sources confirmed.

“I never knew the Van Halen brothers were born in Amsterdam!” exclaimed Mr. Kaufman while treating himself to a second helping of green bean casserole. “You know, I went to Amsterdam once on a business trip back in ‘85. And I know what you’re thinking, but the answer is no, I did not. I thought my family would like to know that it was the ‘1984’ record that contained the hit ‘Jump,’ not ‘OU812’ like I always thought. My children seemed especially impressed when I read the part of the Wikipedia entry that detailed the M&M tour rider that demanded the brown ones be separated. It amazes me how much you can learn about music history while having dinner with family.”

Jennifer Kaufman discovered her own ways to avoid engaging with her father during his Wikipedia soliloquies.

“I usually just tune him out,” sighed the middle daughter, waiting in vain for her father to pass the gravy while he finished the section on the Sammy Hagar era. “But it was either that or listen to my older brother’s high school football stories, or Uncle Darryl’s conspiracy theories about how they’re putting too much estrogen in the tap water. I mean, my father literally missed my youngest brother’s graduation because he got caught up trading paragraphs about Aerosmith with another dad outside the auditorium. This honestly might be the last straw.”

Family therapist Helena Daniels explains how this sort of behavior is indicative of a larger issue.

“While on the surface it may appear to be dissociation through mindless Wikipedia usage, all of my research points to older males using this as a deliberate strategy to avoid losing control over a conversation’s direction,” continued Daniels. “Most of the time they’re just re-reading information they already know to themselves, but my research subjects combine this with the obvious love of hearing one’s voice out loud, a truly terrifying phenomenon when repeated in social settings. It’s still unclear why they focus all their attention on bands that popped 30 to 40 years ago.”

At press time, Kaufman had accidentally clicked a link to the AC/DC page, to everyone’s horror.