ANTIGO, Wis. — Members of local hardcore band Body Parts ousted frontman Jay Terrold after he failed to make the agreed upon weight to be the band’s intimidating vocalist, sources who didn’t know where they were going to find a jacked replacement singer on such short notice confirmed.
“I was literally only three pounds under so they could’ve easily just rounded up, but they instead chose violence,” said Terrold before weighing himself again to see if he gained any last-minute beef. “I mean, I did everything I could to bulk up before our next show but I was still somehow disqualified. I hit the gym, carbo-loaded, and even swallowed protein powder straight from the container. I get that they really wanted to win this upcoming battle of the bands competition against the defending champions, but this is no way to do it. Honestly never thought I would get kicked out of a band I founded 10 years ago.”
Members of the group defended their decision to fire the singer.
“We have strict weight requirements in order maintain our hardcore brand and street cred,” said guitarist Dirk Montez while doing a set of bicep curls. “That’s exactly why we have weigh-ins before each practice session and then again prior to any show we play just in case. And we have absolutely no tolerance for cheaters in this band either. Hell, we once kicked out our bassist after we caught him taking performance-enhancing drugs. Sure, the drug was booze and it really loosened him up on stage, but rules are rules.”
Music critic Florin Magnator found this sort of unorthodox behavior to be commonplace.
“Bands throughout history have had a record of instituting arbitrary requirements for members,” said Magnator. “Some emo bands actually require their singer to have no less than three bad breakups a month. Black metal bands routinely force their frontmen to commit arson to their local church at least annually. And some ska bands make their singers jump in a bouncy castle for at least 20 minutes a day to help ‘stay in character.’ Many find these tactics a bit much, but I can tell you that it really works to keep the image consistent.”
At press time, Terrold reportedly slimmed down just enough to make a local indie folk band.