Review: Touché Amoré “…To the Beat of a Dead Horse”

Posted on by Bobby Korec

Each week The Hard Times travels back to review an album from the past in order to satisfy our need to judge others’ creative works. This week we’re heading back to 2009 to review Touché Amoré’s debut studio record “…To the Beat of a Dead Horse.”

This album is such a vibe. It combines elements of post-hardcore, screamo, and that feeling you get right after you high-five your best friend. Not to mention nearly every song clocks in under two minutes. That’s such a sight for sore ears.

It reminds me of my brief stint with the band LCD Soundsystem back in the 2000s where just about every single one of our songs was well over six minutes long. That’s straight-up perverse. No track should ever last longer than sex. That’s clearly something Touché knows well.

Anyway, during LCD band practices I would always suggest that maybe we try writing a song that’s a more audience- and radio-friendly length. You know, like three minutes tops. That seemed to rub them the wrong way. I think the singer’s exact words were, “dude, you’re just the merch guy’s cousin.”

Like, so? I wrote the sign that shows all the prices of our merch all by myself. I think I’m more than qualified to write a song too. How hard could it be?

I don’t think they took kindly to my suggestion because they then went out and wrote “Dance Yrself Clean” out of spite. That song is nearly nine minutes long and clearly, a diss track to their trusted merchandise ambassador’s third favorite relative.

After I found out about the song length, I recommended that the group just divide it into three separate tracks to get more bang for their buck on the record. I think the synth player’s exact words were, “how the hell did you get in here? We have multiple restraining orders against you.”

The nerve, right? Just because they see me as a “threat to their personal well-being” doesn’t mean my input isn’t valid.

I just love that Touché Amoré made an album I always wanted LCD Soundsystem to make. Hope you’re reading this, James Murphy.

Score: 10 out of 10 two-minute songs

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Remaining Twitter Employees Form Ska Band

Posted on by Rose Eden

SAN FRANCISCO — The few remaining employees at Twitter who survived Elon Musk’s blitzkrieg staff cuts last month are now joining forces to start a ska band, confirmed annoyed sources from within the building.

“Our horn section got fired in the second round of layoffs, so right off the bat there were issues. We kept managing to find replacements because it turns out there is a lot of crossover with programmers and band kids,” said Evan Harris in Marketing. “We’ve been using an abandoned open workspace on the fourth floor as our practice area. Sometimes the boss comes in and asks what the hell we’re doing, but he’s easily distracted. Last week I told him the radical left was planning another attack on our advertising model and he ran back to his office and didn’t come out for 16 hours.”

Other building staff personnel report that despite once feeling safe from the axe of layoffs, they now have a whole other issue to fear: being drafted into the band.

“I wish I would have never mentioned to Jake in HR that I moonlight playing keyboards in a wedding band,” said custodial worker Mike Pearce. “Now every time I do my rounds I have to dodge those guys hounding me about playing keys for them. I don’t own a Hawaiian shirt, much less would I go out and buy one and wear it to play with these jerk-offs. I’m just trying to keep it clean while everything else around me burns to the ground.”

Mental health professionals that deal with high-stress work environments say that what is happening at Twitter is very common.

“Highly traumatized and stressed out employees are going to act out. Clanning together around a common interest is absolutely a coping mechanism, and if they’re resorting to playing ska music then they’ve clearly gotten pretty desperate,” said psychologist Regina Stillwell, who specializes in working with high earners in tech. “There’s a well-known story we tell in corporate mental health professional circles about the final days of MySpace. Some of the remaining employees snapped under pressure, went feral into Franklin Canyon Park for weeks, and that’s actually how Mumford and Sons were formed.”

The group, who goes under the name Blue Checkerboard, has already learned Grimes’ entire catalog which they’ve fully adapted into ska covers just for Elon Musk, who routinely shouts requests at them from the landing outside his office.

I’m the Mother Who Wouldn’t Give Mike a Pepsi and You Should Know There Are Two Sides to Every Story

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

I have always done the proper, motherly thing and put my child’s needs before my own. Yet I have been painted as a villain by generations of crossover thrash fans. My name is Martha and, yes, I would not give my son Mike a Pepsi. But you should know there are two sides to every story.

First off, Pepsi makes Mike gassy. A growing boy like Mike needs healthy beverages like calcium-rich whole milk, freshly squeezed orange juice, or the occasional cup of hot cocoa (but just as a treat!). If Mike drinks Pepsi, he can’t concentrate because of all the caffeine and sugar. I get really frustrated when people don’t understand that. Even when I try to tell them about it and I try and I try and it just doesn’t work out.

Also, why could Mike not get his own Pepsi? There I was, concerned for my son who was definitely on drugs, and he was demanding that I fetch him a drink. What does he think I do all day? I have a full schedule! I have to clean the house, ask if my son is on drugs, go to the market for more calcium-rich whole milk, ask my son again if he’s on drugs, tend to my begonias, and wildly shriek that my son is on drugs and that normal people don’t behave that way.

Also, this is a Coca-Cola house. In the Muir household, we believe in that sweet Georgia nectar and long for the days when you could get a nice little buzz from Ty Cobb’s best investment ever. Frankly, just for suggesting Pepsi, Mike should have been put somewhere where he could get the help he needs.

Man Desperately Trying to Close Bar Tab After Seeing SantaCon Pub Crawl Slowly Approaching From Down the Block

Posted on by James Knapp

NEW YORK — Local man Kraig Thuben frantically tried to flag down the bartender at neighborhood pub Dickie’s Taproom in order to pay his modest bill before the gaggle of boisterous drunks dressed up as Santa Claus managed their way to the bar, sources who knew the bartender could see them waving confirmed.

“I had just stepped outside for a cigarette when I glanced down the block and noticed this mass of dirty Party City Santa costumes staggering towards me and I immediately knew I had to get the hell outta here,” explained Thuben. “I don’t wanna have to pay the automatic $35 gratuity for unclosed tabs but I may not have a choice if this lazy fucking bartender doesn’t get his ass over here soon. You can put those dirty highball glasses in the dishwasher later! I’m in peril right now!”

The bartender at Dickie’s, Rodney Lowenstein, expressed ambivalence to Thuben’s situation as he casually stopped to chat with one of his regulars for several agonizing minutes.

“Yeah, yeah, Rodney sees that guy waving his credit card over there. And Rodney don’t give a damn,” muttered Lowenstein under his breath. “No one minds that Rodney has to stay and serve those jolly fucks no matter what. Fuck it. You can stay too for all Rodney cares. I hope everyone likes listening to the same four Christmas songs on the jukebox for the next few hours, it’s about to be really shitty in here.”

SantaCon participant Erin Glizclosky was completely oblivious to the reality that Christmas-themed pub crawls are deeply irritating to the general public.

“Woooooo! Guess who’s coming to town bitches! Santas are in the house!” belted Glizclosky in between dry heaves. “This is the most fun ever. I love seeing the surprised looks on people’s faces whenever we roll into a bar, ready to drink them all out of Jagermeister. I can tell everyone is excited to see us. The last place we were at, a few people were so delighted they actually started crying, and one guy got so worked up with the Christmas spirit that he tried to fight us. It feels good to be part of such a magical season. Joy to the fucking world, you assholes! Woooooo!”

At press, Thuben had almost managed to pay his bill before Lowenstein stopped to very methodically tie his shoe, while the SantaCon had also stalled with the entire group stopping at a pizza shop that was on their route.

12 Times Celebrities Absolutely Roasted Interviewers Who Were Just Doing Their Job Asking Perfectly Appropriate Questions

Posted on by James Knapp

Sometimes interviewers can push celebrities over the edge and get a steaming heapful of their own arrogance hurled back in their faces. Other times interviewers are just hardworking professionals trying to feed content to a needy public, and in no way deserve to be screwed by these famous and powerful jerks. Here are just a few examples of the latter.

Jeff Goldblum

When an interviewer for TV Guide asked him “what’s a project you’re really excited about right now?” Mr. Goldblum was less than eloquent as he stuttered back “I, um, well, um, I, I, fuck your daughter everyday, um, and I, um, that’s exciting for me.”

Winona Ryder

Ryder may have been having a bad day when a writer for The Nickelodeon Times asked if she had any fun stories from being on the set of “Stranger Things” and she aggressively corrected “It’s pronounced “Stranger Thangs,” you illiterate boob!”

Harry Styles

When asked by Cigar Aficionado Magazine if he had any hobbies, Styles responded “Yeah, answering shitass questions like that one all the time. You suck. And I think you smell. Is that your hobby? Being smelly?” It was only later revealed, after intense research, that being smelly is not actually a hobby.

Idris Elba

In 2014, The Driftwood Quarterly sat down for an interview with Elba only to be met with 10 solid minutes of dead, withering silence. To this day neither party has addressed exactly what in the fuck that was all about.

Chris Evans
When asked about his diet by The Cliffjumper Review, Evan bluntly replied “Glass. Sometimes I put it in my eyes. Sometimes in my butt. Also, I’ve been experimenting with smoothies.”

Sarah Jessica Parker

There may have been some miscommunication when a ski journalist for Skiing Magazine asked Ms. Jessica Parker if she liked skiing and she asked “Is that that thing where you dig up a freshly buried corpse and try to reanimate it? Because I really like that. “

JK Rowling

“I only read receipts and the inside of Laffy Taffy wrappers,” was Rowling’s response when the editors of Charlie Chaplin’s Mustache Press asked who some of her literary influences are.

Dolphin Boy

It’s hard to be a half-dolphin half-boy. Which may be why DB, when asked by Wine Journal if he could even understand human language, screeched “Eeeeeeeee eeeeeee eeeeeeee” repeatedly.

Ryan Reynolds

It’s unclear what kind of article the editors of GlugaGluga Print were planning when they asked Reynold “who’s your favorite Little Rascal?” So it kinda made sense that he responded “Me. I’m a little rascal. Just a rascally little scamp. Rasc-ing around and such. Just a little guy. I.” Everyone involved in this one was fucking weird.

Kim Kardashian

Business Addict Magazine asked Kardashian “what do you think is the most important thing for succeeding in business?” Alarmingly, she sort of revealed a definite falsehood: “I wear a top and a monocle everywhere I go. I’m wearing them right now, but they’re invisible.”

Taylor Swift

The interview hadn’t even begun when a writer for The Journal of Oversized Slacks asked “How are you today?” and Swift responded without prompting “Canada is a brutally worthless country.”

Jeffrey Dahmer

Since Jeffrey Dahmer is apparently a celebrity now, back when he was still on death row an interviewer for the Milwaukee Police Department asked him when the rest of the bodies were and he simply grinned and patted his stomach repeatedly.

Report: Drywall Repair Still Cheaper Than Therapy

Posted on by Matt McInerney

CALDWELL, N.J. — A new report released by the Economic Wellness Consortium confirms that drywall repair remains a significantly cheaper option than paying for even a single therapy session.

“As stress rises during these trying economic times, Americans will need an outlet. Our latest study suggests that punching something that is both cheap to fix and won’t lead to prison time or lawsuits is a very viable option,” said Jada Fernandez, the report’s co-author. “Our legal team also told me to note that the authors of the study make no judgments on whether this is a good idea or not. We’re simply saying it is more cost-effective to channel your tension into extreme violence, and that sheetrock is not litigious.”

Ronald Thompson, a local gym teacher, is a long-time proponent of this approach.

“I don’t need some fancy study to tell me this. I grew up blasting holes in walls with nothing but my fists. My ma always used to tell me to cut it out, but look at me now! Those brainiacs are saying I was a genius all along,” shouted Thompson as he continued to amp himself up. “I mean, it makes sense if you just do the math. At about $3 per square foot, I could be pounding gaps in plaster all day for the price of an hour with some bozo. They say the best things in life are free, which is why I always told my ex-wife that paying to ‘control my anger’ sounds pretty fucking dumb.”

Wayne Copeland, a Home Depot employee, is very aware of the academic attention that drywall is currently receiving.

“Hey, look, I get it. Therapy is hard to afford on your average salary. But to be clear, the $150 a session I pay my therapist is totally worth it. You can’t imagine how stressful this job is,” bemoaned Copeland, pointing towards the building materials aisle. “When you consider all of the angry, wall-punching assholes I have to deal with on a daily basis, I see therapy as a necessity for my mental health. There are so many psychos out there, and I know firsthand. I’ve got to talk to someone about it.”

At press time, Fernandez was considering studying the emotional impact of screaming into a pillow.

Woman Embraces Body Positivity for Everyone but Herself

Posted on by Caroline Smith

ASHEVILLE, N.C — Local woman Vanessa Taylor continues to be thrilled by the growing Body Positivity Movement for all of her friends and family but refuses to apply the same principles to herself, concerned sources report.

“It’s important to me that I help other women feel confident and valued no matter what. Society tries to dictate what ‘beauty’ should be and I want all my friends to know that they are perfect the way they are, of course, this doesn’t apply to me because I ate an entire fucking cake last night by myself and no normal human should be able to consume that much sugar,” confides Taylor. “This isn’t new to me, in fifth grade, this girl Mary Kate said my skin looks like an expensive cheese because of all the blue veins running through it. Let’s just say these legs haven’t seen the light of day since the Clinton administration.”

Several friends and family did heartily agree that Taylor is “the shit” and “the best bitch” when it comes to giving them a much-needed boost of body confidence.

“I always just thought maybe she was just super goth because she dresses all in black and doesn’t have any mirrors in her house,” said former co-worker, Elise Van Horn. “I just assumed she was into some weird vampire shit, because let’s be honest, who isn’t at some point in their lives. But she was always the first person to compliment me on a new blazer, even if it came in a primary color. I tried to invite her swimming last summer and she told me to ‘slay it’ but she said ‘I don’t want people to have to deal with all of this.’”

While most people find Taylor’s aggressive body positivity towards everyone in the world but herself uplifting, her psychiatrist, Dr. Louise Maike, has a different view of the situation.

“Truthfully, for a while, Ms. Taylor’s clinical Body Dysmorphia had me a bit concerned,” said Dr. Maike. “This is a woman who wears long black pants in July. Her friends also seem to ignore the fact that this woman is struggling with her self-esteem because she’s so good at helping them feel good about themselves. I will say that Ms. Taylor convinced me that I could wear a mesh dress on a first date and now that guy is my husband!”

At press time, Taylor has started an inclusive meet-up of women and femmes who want to learn how to design sewing patterns for non-typical body types which she plans on running over Zoom, with her camera off.

Do Your Younger Coworkers Think You’re Cool or Do They Just Crave a Father Figure?

Posted on by Josephine Ramos

Are you stuck wasting your life in a dead-end job? Is the most fulfilling part of your week when your Gen-Z coworkers listen to you regale them with tales of your glory days at Warped Tour? Here’s how to know if your coworkers really enjoy that water cooler talk or if they just crave a father figure.

A good test to see if your coworkers think you’re chill is if they wrap you into every new social media craze. Do your coworkers ask you to be in their BeReal story every day? Have you sacrificed your phone storage because they bullied you into downloading Snapchat? If so, they think you’re pretty cool. If not, they’re definitely using those apps to text each other about how you’re probably mad at them.

Have they asked you to be in a selfie? Now, lots of colleagues are fond of selfies so this may not mean much by itself. The key is to note where they post them. If you spot them on Instagram, then you’re their cool older friend. However, if you never see those pictures on social media, that means they’re probably in a physical scrapbook in your coworker’s living room.

Receiving nicknames from work friends is an ultimate gesture of endearment and a good way to know how they really feel about you. It’s not an exact science, but usually if they add a “y” or “ie” to your name, it means their subconscious sees you as a friend and peer. For example, if your name is Rick and one day they call you “Ricky,” they most likely think you’re the man! If your name is Rick and one day they call you “Dad,” it most likely means you’re the closest thing to a father they have ever had.

I Only Listen to Metal, and Also a Bunch of Other Stuff When No One Is Around

Posted on by Matt McInerney

I’d say that I pretty much only listen to metal. Mostly doom metal. And some stoner and sludge. Well, also some blackened death metal. And grindcore, if you consider that metal. I mean, I don’t, but some people get confused. Most recently, I’ve been really into atmospheric black metal too. Or at least when other people are around.

But sometimes, when no one’s around…

Have y’all heard of Robyn? Gosh, I can’t get enough of that song “Call your Girlfriend.” It just really gets me. Rarely do you hear a song written from that perspective. Honesty, it’s like a modern-day Jolene. Really beautiful.

But mostly Elder. They’re kind of a combo of doom and stoner. If you come over, I’m probably listening to Elder. That or Bongzilla.

But when you leave? Oh boy. Do you know about Petey from TikTok? Sure, he’s funny. But he’s deep too. Sometimes when I’ve got headphones on, I’ll listen to “DON’T TELL THE BOYS” on repeat. I’ve never heard a song about male friendship like that. Why isn’t it acceptable to tell your friends you love them? What a silly thing to be ashamed of.

But mostly I pretty much only listen to Panopticon. I’m a big fan of one-man black metal. Like, really depressive stuff.

Oh and also, keep this between us, but have you heard the new T Swift? I didn’t get on board until “Folklore.” And I did NOT like “Lover!” But this new one? It’s got some bangers. Even that “everybody is a sexy baby” song. I’ll admit I had a hard time getting past the phrasing at first, but honestly, she’s right. Why are we all pretending not to understand what’s she talking about? It’s time to talk about the predatory patriarchy!

But really, pretty much only metal. Like Earth. By the way, did you know that was Black Sabbath’s original name? Basically, I just listen to Black Sabbath and bands that sound like Black Sabbath. But not solo Ozzy. That’d be embarrassing.

Solo Ben Gibbard Announced as Opener For Death Cab For Cutie, The Postal Service Tour

Posted on by Bobby Korec

BREMERTON, Wash. — Ben Gibbard announced he will be performing solo as the opening act for the upcoming Death Cab for Cutie and Postal Service Tour celebrating 20 years of “Transatlantacism” and “Give Up,” sources who couldn’t get enough of him in their lives confirmed.

“After careful deliberation of who I’d like to bring out on tour with me, I finally landed on the difficult decision to choose myself,” said Gibbard while constructing a 50-song setlist for all performances. “I honestly couldn’t think of anyone more qualified or deserving than old Big Ben to open for me and then me again. Sure, I’ll be playing three sets a night with three different musical acts, but I’ll be giving the people what they want: Non-stop me. Modest Mouse actually volunteered to open for us, but I had to turn them down because I am simply not in that band. After all, we’ve got a tour brand to uphold.”

Fans of Gibbard’s work couldn’t be more excited for the upcoming performances.

“As someone who religiously listens to everything this man has put out, this is actually my musical dream blunt rotation,” said Jennifer Harrington. “I just can’t wait to hear the rich wistful melodies of solo Ben Gibbard live followed by the rich wistful melodies of The Postal Service followed by the rich wistful melodies of Death Cab for Cutie. There’s just nothing like band member consistency throughout an entire show. You could say I’m overjoyed to see three Bens for the price of one.”

Experts seemed quite impressed with the announcement.

“In the industry, this is called a triple crown performance. Or, if you want to get into semantics, a hat trick show,” said music historian Juliette Cowhen. “This isn’t the first time this has happened either. Solo Jack White was once scheduled to open for the Raconteurs and the White Stripes. Unfortunately, that never came to fruition due to the length of time it would take for Jack White to ‘get into character’ between sets. They estimated a good 90 minutes between performances. Classic Jack. He’s what you call a method musician.”

In related news, Gibbard also announced that he would be manning the singular merch booth on all tour dates.

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